Greetings it’s time for another blog. That is to say it’s time to go the pub for a bit and that means having to come up with something to write about.
A quick mention of someone famous who I went to school with. He’ll have gained some acclaim today for winning the most lucrative match in football.
Yeah I went to school with Rob Edwards, Who has just taken Luton Town FC into the premier league. I follow his career every now again. Not that I can claim anything other than this small connection.
I’m always pleased him do well because he was a sound lad. He was the heartthrob of our year at school and the star of the footy team. Left our school at 14 to train at Lilleshall centre of excellence where a number of top youth players studied.
The difference in revenue between the premier league and the rest is some £100m at least.
Alas the season is coming to an end. Will be watching the cup final next weekend and then it’s a wait until the women’s world cup.
The weather has been nice this week as we head into the summer months. There’s lots I like about summer but also stuff I don’t. The heat can be too much for me and I find it even harder than usual to get going.
It’s been another day of anxiety today, not sure why but I think I had a bad dream and just struggled to get out of bed again. With the summer comes an increased pressure to do something out and about and pressure not to stay indoors. Days like today remind me how I just don’t want to do these things.
Got no inclination or motivation to engage in social stuff. Not unless I’m with people I like, doing stuff I like, which isn’t usually outdoors.
Another Bank holiday tomorrow, third one this month and the last one until August. For a while now, I think I just want to lounge around doing nothing energetic or productive. I am getting bored but still don’t have the energy to lift myself.
I had planned to go the pub about 3 hours earlier than when I did go. Nearly didn’t bother at all. Tomorrow is a day for what? I just wish I could lounge around whenever I feel like and not feel any stress or unhappiness over it.
Friday at work was quite tough. Had one of those days where little work was actually done, time just flew away and I couldn’t explain why I going so slow.
I find myself thinking about who I was or who I uses to be. We all change but is there a core you that is constant and survives unchanged? I always understood that to answer the question of who I really am is conditional.
I’m a different person when I’m surrounded by people who like me and value my company. That is to say there are many sides of me but I only show the side that reflects how I’m treated by others.
I asked myself during the masking, am I being fake? Am I being dishonest? Not really as far as I’m concerned. But I guess to other people, it comes across that I’m not being authentic.
But then again that is such a big part of who I am. The chameleonic quality to be different things to different people.
I’ve heard that it’s actually a terrible and poisonous practise to reward “good” behaviour because it creates expectations and reinforces coercive narratives. This seems to be how I was raised and it is how I’ve always treated other people.
How can we as a society condemn manipulative behaviours when such practises are embedded into the fabric of everyday life.
Am I going to be forever compelled to be nice to people if I want them to like me? To once more repress the darkness until it escapes my control?
Ultimately I decided that I had to stop trying to impress or please anyone else. Well that’s not entirely true. I still try to make the blog an impressive read. How well that’s going is not my place to say.
But then that’s why I don’t seek to publicise it in any meaningful way. It’s nice to have a space where I can share my thoughts without caring about what anyone thinks.
Of course the one person who I really care about trying to impress has always been myself. Own harshest critic and all that. All those hidden disabilities I keep talking about, I’d like to think that my mind is utterly unique and that there are some things only I can write.
It’s noticeable to me that for the purpose of trying to write an honest blog about my life, I’m still holding back and retreating to my comfort zone. Plus I’m still hesitant to access the demons now. Done with sadness. Done with struggles. Done with self-pity.
I’ve punished myself enough for a lifetime. Never was interested in rewarding myself except for the need for enjoyment to keep going through the hard times.
It seems like it should be impossible to manipulate yourself where there are no secrets. But I guess it happens when the mind is divided, compartmentalized.
I’ve spent so much of my life trapped inside my head that I grew bored of myself a long time ago. I know I risked my mental health because I’d had enough of it all and wanted to experience something new. Falling in love with someone who gave me some affection and acceptance but would probably never have loved me back was the most exciting thrill and I haven’t been the same since.
I have little doubt she was the wrong person to fall in love with but she was the only person I could fall in love with. I saw so much of myself in her. She was an escape from and a surrogate for myself. I would have done anything in my power for her but not for myself.
That’s the difference now. I do things for myself because I don’t want to ever abandon myself like I did with her.
I suspect I was looking for an excuse to justify everything. To avoid finally looking myself in the mirror and acknowledge a lifetime of bad decisions and pointless struggles.
If I have a duty it is to manage my struggles as best I can, whether by coping or avoiding. To actually break the chains that have keep me anchored to pleasing others.
I like pleasing others and always will but no longer must I need it.
I’m getting there. I’m getting there. Can’t guarantee my story will have a happy ending but I won’t ever give up. It’s nearly time, to break free and be reborn. Tiring work though.
I’ve been missing direction in life, just trying to get mentally healthy. Probably not ready to pursue anything specific at the moment. Just surviving on my own. Plenty of ideas of what not to do, few if any ideas towards doing something.
No, I believe I know what will make me happy But there is so much anxiety in the way, so much doubt stopping me. So much need and insecurity.
So little motivation and energy. So little self-beliefs. The vicious cycle spins and spins.
No one to give me the strength needed to escape so I must find it within. Or more accurately, to build it within.
I think my next blog post has to be “what is love anyway and how to make it strengthen us rather than weaken us?” but I’m too tired to explore it tonight.
Yes more rest needed so I will call it a day. Thanks as always for reading xx