What does my autism mean?

It’s worth revisiting this subject every now again. It’s no secret that I’ve struggled to understand and accept my diagnosis. But I am making progress in this direction.

All I have done since the diagnosis is to bravely push myself into overcoming my difficulties, proving to myself that I shouldn’t let it hold me back. And the happiest period of my life was when I was around people who didn’t make me socially anxious.

There’s a life out there for me somewhere where I can be happy and free. My autism doesn’t mean I’m doomed to struggle forever. But I’ll never find that place until I truly know who I am and how to manage my life in a way that is actually beneficial to me.

I question everyday what is truly autistic and what is merely my own refusal to look myself in the face and stand up for myself. I only just met the threshold for diagnostic criteria. I imagine I was masking quite a bit during the process. All my life has been spent chained to the neurotypical world and I’ve always tried to blunt my edges to fit in. Well actually not always.

Life has been a balancing act between doing what makes me happy which involves being true to myself, and doing what I need to do to survive which is never the stuff I actually want to do but instead am forced to do.

I think I always made a choice wherever possible, to do what I want but never what I need. More often than not it’s the wrong choice in the end.

When I say life is a balancing act, that actually means that I oscillate sharply from one extreme to the other. Never been very good at shades of grey, that’s just not my world.

Talking how we neurodivergent see the world differently, I don’t think there’s ever been space in my world for anyone other than myself. The hardest thing to deal with has always been how self-conscious I am around other people. It feels like the world is somehow on hold because everything now revolves around what might happen when my brain registers someone else in vision.

At a simple level, the brain goes into fear mode. Fight or Flight or Freeze. I’m not sure if there’s much adrenaline going on, it doesn’t feel like a rush. But it does feel like everything is magnified. And it doesn’t result in actually taking steps to escape any danger because my rational mind knows there is no real danger. But my brain just hypes up everything anyway.

And I have to go certain lengths to calm myself down but it feels like my brain never turns off this fear response. I’m always tired because my brain and body are always agitated.

It’s generally always Flight or Freeze for me because confrontation is truly what I’m most frightened of. I’m in self-preservation mode where my brain is anxiously scanning for all possible things to wrong. Always frozen while I anxiously await the stimulus until I just react.

And yet there is the craving for stimulus. Life feels so empty without it.

I can’t really do small talk and I can’t really ever sit down and talk to someone without fully determining how it will affect me. And truthfully, if it doesn’t affect me then I’m not stimulated so I’m not really engaged.

All of this adds up to strong notion that I am quite narcissistic deep down. Certainly among what some psychologists would call “vulnerable narcissism”. But I would say that I am who I am for a reason.

Everything happens for a reason, meaning cause and effect rather than any spiritual interpretation. I am who I am because I lack something that allows me to engage with the world in the normal way. I do care about people but then, like everything else it’s for selfish reasons.

Ultimately I’ve gone to great lengths to compensate for this selfishness by trying to act unselfishly. But putting the cares of others before my own leaves me more vulnerable.

I’ve been pondering the question of whether it was really in my best interest to be diagnosed with autism. It was important to be diagnosed with something because I was headed down a long, dark road at that point. No job, no friends, no life, had struggled to readjust after graduating uni at the age of 33.

Was it useful to be diagnosed under the wide umbrella of autism? It didn’t really answer any of my questions. There was no path forward, no treatment, no real idea of anything. There was a general support available which really consisted of signposts for services and general information about autism.

The true good it does is to find a community of people like you, they have a drop in session once a week to provide a safe space to talk to people or be by yourself with plenty of activities. And there was the old monthly socials to give us safe social engagement.

I was never truly interested in being safe, I was always looking for stimulation. In that way I think I was always looking to defy the idea of being autistic, that in a safe environment I was itching to break forth and be confident and badass.

There is a certainly a gaggle of demons inside me that likes to subvert social expectations but knowing that all my friends and acquaintances were autistic there was a natural tendency to repress myself around them. I threw myself into the autistic community and became more sensitive and empathetic as a result.

Did I end up becoming too sensitive? Too meek? It was a wonderful place to be when life was opening up and there was so much potential. As I write now, that feels like a million years ago.

It makes all the difference to be in a welcoming environment where you are accepted but I was still the same guy I always was. Hunting for another fix so I could escape myself. I wasn’t learning anything about life, myself or others.

Everything in my life is and always has been about myself because I have always been trying to answer the question. “Who am I?” And I build up the ideas of who I am from others, only in terms of how they see me.

I could say that I’m self-centred for the most important reason. I’m lacking a functioning ego and therefore, the most fundamental insecurity of all. That I’m not in any control of myself. That I’m basically an autonomous, mindless machine that sees everything but can do nothing.

When I’m around people I automatically relinquish free will. When I’m alone I’m crying out for someone to show me I exist.

And so the crux of the issue. I was constructing a false sense of self from those I was close to. In the end the relationship I was trying to build with others was really just trying to build with myself. Everything I did to support the one I loved was my way of supporting myself. I was trying to cement a relationship between us in a way that fused us together, made us inseparable.

Everything I was looking for in her, I was looking for it in myself. I was living my life vicariously through her in every way. Everything I did to help or hurt her was to help or hurt myself.

All of this came from the fact that I had subordinated myself to her so totally because I’d given up on myself. All along I was at the mercy of my heart, to give control of myself over to her and put her in charge of defining my identity, of determining my fate.

I projected everything onto her when things were too difficult to face up to because I’d lost the ability to really empathise and accept that she was different.

It’s extremely difficult for me socialise with someone who is different. To talk about their interests and stuff they care about that I don’t. I’m not good at it and I don’t feel comfortable. I don’t really understand people who are different. Of course that’s probably cause I’ve only got my own shabby internal model for understanding the human mind.

And mine was always so skewed away from the normal mode.

To attempt to summarise and find a useful conclusion, it’s fair to say that I have to, first and foremost, build my own identity and become independent by finally respecting my need to be alone. To give myself a home where I am master of my own destiny. Where I have the space to always put my own needs first and look after myself.

I hope to become a more balanced person so that I am able to be less black and white. I won’t want to shut myself away for too long, inevitably I’ll want to be social again and I’ll put myself under much less pressure. I hope to be less single-minded so I can balance the seeking of stimulation with the calling of calmness. I really need to spend more time relaxing and I’ll be freer to balance my life when I finally gain some control over external influences.

Ultimately I need some say in my own environment so I can actually have control over the forces that cause me stress and anxiety.

I’d very much like to take a break from constantly talking about myself, frankly I’d have gotten bored of reading if it wasn’t me writing it.

I appreciate very much those who do read, you must have the patience of a saint.

I have no idea how visible the blog actually is so I don’t know how anyone has actually found it but it’s a nice feeling to receive likes and subscribes.

I hope it brings something even though the only thing I have to offer is to share my thoughts and experiences.

Time to regain some balance by spending time with people, I’ve been too isolated. I’ll be doing it on my terms from now on hopefully. Don’t want to feel so out of control ever again.

Kindest regards and thanks

Jamie x

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Venting more darkness

I felt good letting the darkness out last time. Had an epiphany that helped me come to terms with things. It came from the fact that I was being myself and that I wasn’t denying myself.

My mood dropped again today as there’s new doubts and fears leaking up into my mind.

To that effect, I want to dig very deep into my core anxiety. Share deeply personal stuff that I’ve never been able to share before.

A common stigma that affect Asperger men like myself. I am a sad, insecure, jealous, controlling, coward in relationships. A bitter loser who can’t handle not getting what I want. And I’ve always known this so I always walk away when things rather than stand up for myself.

I also know the causes, that I repress myself so much because it’s tied up with my autistic social anxiety and sensitivity.

All the romantic relationships I’ve had have imploded very quickly and I don’t trust myself not to ruin everything.

I’ve known for decades that women are attracted to confidence and humility. Men who are desired know they are desired and consequently can strut through any room knowing they don’t ever have to struggle to attract attention.

I read that women feel more secure about a man when other women are competing for the man’s attention. They feel safer chasing when others are doing it.

It’s a different world I live in whereby I must reek of desperation. I may try to hide it and that of course is a fools errand.

I’ve only opened my heart truly to one person but the way things happened ensured that I was destroyed mentally.

It feels like I’m in a permanent state of autistic distress because my anxieties keep exploding. I had to confront what I had become but I needed closure to be able to move on.

I see now that the way I was brought up had a massive impact on how I developed. My mom kicked my dad out when I was 8 years old. I was a happy kid then but one day everything changed. I’m sure it affected my brothers in different ways but I had more in common with my dad.

We look at our own family experiences when we engage in relationships. I think for this reason I didn’t trust that I could maintain a healthy relationship. I don’t trust women not to reject me or ditch me.

My mom ending up raising me and my brothers single handedly so I was left somewhat alone and I didn’t have anyone to teach me how to be in a romantic relationship.

There were opportunities when I was younger but I was too self-conscious, too scared of being embarrassed.

I’ve never been able to face up to and conquer those demons, but that is who I am. I’m a man who loves hard and doesn’t let go. Everyone has told me that I should move on, let go, because it’s unhealthy and it’s bad.

So the end result is that I’m not allowed to be myself. Not allowed to feel what I feel. Guess what? I have to repress myself further.

I know deep down the truth that I need to learn how to love myself before I can ever love someone else in a healthy way. Everyone in my life will tell me how much they care about me and how lovely I am. But I need to be able to unleash the real me which is something I can’t do around people who I care deeply about.

I don’t think I am the person others think I am. I don’t know if the real me is the angry hate-filled person I am now or if that’s just because of the trauma I’m going through.

The real me doesn’t want to be around anyone anymore because I see how unable or unwilling people are to see the world my way.

The real me wants to just not give a shit about anybody. Who am I now is a compensation for all the times I put others first and got nothing in return.

When it comes down to it everyone says they are who are they are and I can’t change them. When I tell people I need something from them to accommodate my autism I’m not allowed to ask something that will mean others changing their ways.

If I finally become who I truly am, it will mean big changes for me and for those closest to me.

I never liked change and to be honest part of the reason I cling on is because I need to appear consistent in my behaviours. What I’ve gone through were changes that were demanded by others that I didn’t want and couldn’t deal with.

I stuck the course because I believed strongly that I was doing the right thing and because I was at my happiest point. It wasn’t me that forced my fears on others.

There are no words to express how utterly betrayed I felt by those who supported the lockdown and mask mandates when I pleaded with them that it was torture for me.

My plan for tonight is to get drunk and take my iPod for a dance around the Town Park. This is when I feel most connected to myself. I like going crazy drunk. I feel powerful yet enlightened in a way comes from dissolving my inhibitions.

It’s always been my way of coping with being alone. I drink to be alone actually. It’s always been the main way I can escape myself.

I can say full well that all of my unhappiness is my own creation. What goes in my head is my own brain.

But it’s my sensitivity to others and how their actions affect me that are the triggers for so much pain. All anyone has to offer me now is very selfish advice which sums up as I should stop being autistic.

Just maybe this is why I denied myself and my autism for so long. If people really knew how badly it affected me they’d soon stop caring quite so much.

I know how badly I need to get away from everyone that holds me back. Can’t get away from myself obviously, but I’m telling myself how much I need to be free and I’m responding with kindness.

A lot of people will tell you how the demons in your head that tell you bad things about yourself need to be vanquished. In my case the demons are the only ones who understood that I wasn’t providing myself with the life I crave. They were the only ones who told me the truth that I couldn’t face up to.

That my life truly wasn’t worth living if I continue to let fear rule my existence. If I let myself be taken hostage to the forces of others.

I don’t know what I love now. I feel now that I only love the demonic side of myself. But it doesn’t feel like there’s anything concrete left for me to pursue. Only overcoming myself.

Since I’m trying to become more confident without losing who I am, what is it that I can anchor myself to and aim towards?

Because everything in my life has felt like an escape from nihilistic emptiness. I want to do something that truly makes a difference to someone. So at some point I will want to re-enter the social world equipped with bravery and competence.

Most of all I want to feel free to enjoy life. It’s become impossible for me to do this while I’m stuck in grief and denial.

For 18 months or so I’ve only been happy by getting drunk and letting the demons take over my soul, rising above petty humanity and becoming something closer to pure darkness of not giving a flying fuck.

It would be so wonderful if I can get this feeling while sober. That is the aim.

I need to be unique. To be like nobody else. Who I am now is a deviation from the moral norms and expectations of a society I’ve come to despise.

It truly feels like I have nothing to offer anyone. Nothing about me to inspire anyone. Just a waste of space. All I can do is be honest about my struggles.

I’ll be honest and say that I’ve been nothing more than a warning to others. A case study in mental health. Pay attention to my story if you want to know what happens when someone loses everything that makes them human.

Im looking elsewhere now. I don’t believe in any Deity and I don’t believe in humanity any more. I believe in myself now but not yet enough.

Thanks as ever for reading. You are why I’m still here.

Jamie x

Venting some darkness

I think this blog is going to become mainly about finding a safe space to explore and release some of my deepest demons. It’s where my journey is going.

I’m more convinced than ever that I want to draw a line between the old world and the new. To be well enough to defeat the depression I need to distance myself from everything that reminds me of my biggest psychological defeat.

I’ve binned my last post as I’m not ready to talk publicly about it and I still need to work on it. But in thinking more clearly and with a little advice I’ve had to admit that I did what I did because I needed to finally put up the hardest boundary around myself.

That it was about protecting myself. And it was the right thing to do.

The beliefs we hold about are what truly makes us what we are. I hold such terminally abhorrent beliefs about myself for certain reasons.

One factor I could never consider before was that that it is part of my hidden disabilties. I can’t fundamentally see myself well enough to actually recognise.

I can only see myself through the eyes of others. Even strangers have this effect on me. To pull my mind away from itself and force it outwards.

Everyone always tells me I should believe in myself but I just don’t, and why would I?

I can’t stop myself from masking because there is no true face to present. Only a mental construction designed to please others.

The real reason I’m dependent on others to make me feel good is because the only voice in my head is the mechanical explainer, telling me exactly why I’m alone in darkness.

It’s time to admit how deeply different I see the world compared to the empty individualist culture I live in.

My autistic sensitivity is exactly the full crushing weight of the effects others have on me. It’s because of this I understand we live in a deeply shared and connected world where we are shaped and made by each other.

Although I am much more connected than anyone else. And it because of this that I am so unutterably decimated by the rejection and exclusion of experiencing the lives of others.

And the truth is that nobody understands the massive effect they have on me. People still expect me to accept that bad things happen and that I should always accept my losses and look elsewhere.

What makes so special and unique in this world is that I can look so sharply into someone’s heart to see the humanity and the lack of humanity.

I hold a mirror up to the world so that it can see itself. Truly the society we live in is defined by lies and selfish hypocracy.

I’ve wanted to get round to the Autism research of Simon Baron Cohen. He who has identified that autistic children tend to be slower to develop the “skill” of not blaming people for unintended harms caused. He calls this “skill” empathy.

Isn’t funny how autistic people are bad people for not being empathetic to the inadequacies of others while those who don’t understand the harm they cause should be understood?

Who are the real empathetic heroes amongst us?

Is it those who struggle with communication but are sensitive to others or is it those who can communicate but are insensitive.

Theory of Mind, it is called. Baron Cohen himself appears to be quite poor at this judging by the reaction of the Autistic community to his project of harvesting Autistic DNA.

In my experience it doesn’t matter who you are, the culture is driving us to hate each other and isolate ourselves from each other. To fear each other.

I’m not strong enough to fight it because I was the most vulnerable to it. I needed so much more from those around me to stay with me but in the ends everyone else’s needs came before mine.

I can’t hide anymore from the fact that I need to become stronger in myself. That I need to be better so that the people around me become better. I’m never going lose sight of what I need to make life worth living.

There is an art to believing in yourself. For truly who we are to ourselves is just a narrative. Walking the path alone requires some extraordinary bravery.

The story I tell myself now is how to keep myself going. That I don’t care for the pointless pursuit of shallow self-validation and virtue-signalling acceptance. “Be kind” is the motto of those who only care only hiding themselves from being challenged or critcised.

I would love anyone who actually sat down, read my words, and called out any bullshit I espouse. Because that would mean they cared enough about me to see my faults and engage with me to improve me. And teach me something.

I can’t remember anyone ever doing this since I was at school. Or maybe a blazing drunken fall out with an old drinking buddy.

I don’t see myself as a human being because people don’t treat me like one. People treat me like a child. Maybe I needed to treated as an adult in order to become one.

Maybe treating me like a child is what stopped me from growing up.

I don’t want to blame all of my problems on others, but I see so clearly how my development as a person was determined by all my interactions with other people.

I can’t stress enough that the culture we live in demands every person is his or her own boss, master of destiny and responsible for everything they do.

When horrible things happens to you it’s all your own fault because you are an individual God of your own existence. Everything that happens to you is your own fault and your responsibility to deal with.

And everything you call evil is a projection of your own evil.

It is not hard for me to understand why our culture tells us this. Because they take everything everything they can from us and tell us to blame ourselves.

I’ll end this post on a cheery note. I’d happily see these people burnt to death.

This has been liberating.

Thanks for reading. Kindest Regards as ever x

Heart grows calmer but colder

Having a catch up with the blog tonight. Hard to describe what I’ve been going through the last few weeks. Some good but mostly very low.

Had a nice couple of evenings out. One with the work colleagues for a leaving do and a family birthday.

Both made me feel good for a while but it leaves me wanting to be social again. And I struggle to really fit in and feel like I’ll never get the true feelings of belonging that I once had.

Went to the pub Tuesday and was once accosted by someone who was determined to make sure I wasn’t alone.

I can see the good intentions but it’s honestly making me so much more like an a social freak. It’s paradoxically making me feel all the more like a complete reject.

In the darkest times I truly feel such deep jealous hatred for those who have friends so easy and natural.

I am still in a state of subtle but deep depression where there doesn’t seem any point to doing anything.

Spending so much time now just lying down with a video on. My mental strength only stretches so far and I’ve been stress testing it to see how much I can tolerate. And I’m tolerating less and less.

It feels now that I can no longer dig deep into the psychoanalysis without actually feeling nauseous dread.

I feel what I was feeling a year ago, that I need to burn my old life away, cut out the part of me that died and restart my life completely from scratch.

It’s been a long time since I could release my negative emotions. And the truth is I never did get any of the anger out of my system. Just dragging it along as it weighs down my spirit.

Giving some serious consideration to joining a boxing gym and taking up the gloves.

I’ve talked with my sister in law about doing something to get the anger out, but it’s something I have a fundamental block around. Just can’t express myself that way around other people.

I had a lightbulb moment earlier today. Thinking about how truly strongly I am affected by others. I’ve learned the hard way just how damaging it is for me to put myself out into the world.

I’ve earned the right to protect myself now that I know how badly I can get hurt. For the time being I want to be alone again and I want to distance myself from others and just forget about them until it stops hurting.

Shut myself away from the world again because every time I open up I end up feeling the same old betrayals and abandonments.

I need my own space now to be truly free within myself and to be able to unleash the dark energy that decimates my mind.

I’m slowly learning of the full extent of how my psychological make up is so detrimental to mental health and despite how hard I cling to it, my edges are beginning to soften.

I’m not fighting myself so much now to conquer every enemy but instead slowly putting myself back together and recognising that I have limitations that should be respected.

Life may not be so exciting for the time being but I no longer feel things are worth pursuing with the same old manic addiction.

Thanks for reading and kindest regards as ever.

Fantasy

Blogging tonight as part of my routine of getting our the house and writing.

As my blog was originally created to discuss sci-fi and horror with the implicit element of fantasy between them, along with the autism talk, it always was an escapism of mine.

The eagle eyed reader will notice that I remained the blog in reference to what I call my esoteric heart.

However it didn’t take long to regret the decision so it will probably change again soon.

Well the journey to defeat the mental health issues I’ve always been plagued with is based on the understanding that I needed to finally grow up and be independent.

Escapism into fantasy seems to be essential to the concept of play that we humans of any age need to make life fun.

I look at my autism along with my upbringing and see that I never really grew up. I remain a child at heart and have resisted all the trappings and responsibilities that come with adulthood.

But it is the core reason why I’ve never really respected myself. It’s the reason why I deeply loved my autistic friends but didn’t truly respect them either.

The concept I’m really addressing is Infantilisation.

The child is the most beautiful spirit of humanity, imbued with all the potential of the future while totally unashamedly living for the joy of play.

I remain a child heart because I missed out on so much actual social joy that I would always escape into fantasy.

The child is and always will be vulnerable and needs the parent. I find it fascinating that over the course of my current reading, that humanity in general can be interpreted as being in a juvenile phase.

The psychoanalytical view off Catholic culture observes the symbolic practise of consuming the flesh of the son of God.

The pagan culture symbolically practised the killing of the king and offered frequent human sacrifice to the gods of fertility.

It is in the spirit of subversiveness that I’m drawn to any fantasy that offers something interesting and original.

And so I return to Infantilisation.

Has anyone noticed what is actually being pumped into the cultural consciousness thede days in the name of Escapism?

The same old Nietzschian superman bullshit. All the evils of the world are only to be solved by the supremacist fantasies of order.

The everyday working class man and woman should look to the fantasy for salvation while your “betters” will determine the problem and the solution.

The abnegation of the human will is weaponised to it’s fullest by this nefarious dross.

If I offer any advice it is to fully investigate the agenda of anyone who authors such propaganda.

But fantasy still can be a force for good. Don’t ever stop dreaming of a better world where you are empowered to achieve a life you deserve.

If you’re going to fantasize, imagine a better world but ask yourself how you can achieve it without ever letting anyone else dictate their own warped fantasies in your place.

Adulthood is hard but a life subservient to someone else is repugnant and abhorrent.

Thank you for reading as always

Honestly about negativity

Did begin writing a blog post a couple of nights ago. In the end I was too drunk to post it but it was a pretty self-pitying and angry piece and I’m glad I didn’t post it.

I’m a big believer in everything happens for a reason and by that I mean everything has a direct cause or causes.

I get joy from play like anyone else. But through the darker times of full blown depression, it’s easy to lose the ability to feel happiness. Playing with others who liked the same things I like was truly what lifts me up.

The world can be a dark place when you are on your own.

I do struggle to live in the real world sometimes. I pushed myself towards life when I had what was, ultimately, when my psychological needs were being met.

When they aren’t, that’s when I ultimately take the escapism route towards fantasy.

I ask myself if that’s what life is for most people. That everything people do for fun is to escape the meaninglessness of existence by distracting themselves with some flight of fantasy.

Of course I can’t ever truly escape myself.

I recently started watching some videos of famous Zen Buddhism guru Alan Watts. Literally a couple of hours later his name came up when I was reading about occultism and it’s relationship to early transhumanist movements.

The core concept that shines through is the unpalatable idea that humans are bad, weak creatures who should be “improved” in some way or “uplifted”.

I’ve felt for a long time that mental health issues require help, not to be defined or redefined, characterised, categorised or labelled.

It feels like the stigma is attached and we are exploited to suit an agenda of those believe they provide a “solution” to any human ills.

I’ve no doubt that I’ve been heavily influenced by the same ideology as I’ve lacked healthy relationships with other people.

It’s the biggest source of conflict now that the escapism of fantasy contradicts my deepest held values but I find it hard to hold onto my humanity.

Essentialism, if I’m using the term correctly, I think it means to treat something or someone as if they are defined only in terms of an “essential” characteristic.

To give an example, how a negative person can be seen as only ever to be negative without the possibility of change. Without the possibility of being anything else.

Only those who give themselves totally to positivity are to supported and anyone who doesn’t is the enemy of positivity.

I sense in this case, what has been termed “toxic positivity”, and this is what some are faced with when what we need is support and acceptance.

I’ll know if I ever truly beat the depression that I will genuinely love my fellows humans while acknowledging that I may not like some people, that it will always be better to give help and support rather than bitter recrimination.

But I’ve got so much healing to do yet. I don’t want to be scared anymore and I don’t to be angry either. Feeling angry made me a little less scared and it was justifiable anger and I could not have reacted any other way.

But at the same time I understand how scary it can be for others and the truth is I get scared when other people are angry.

I can do as much i can to be more positive, but really I see so much wrong with the world today. I felt truly abandoned and betrayed when the caring, loving, society told me that it couldn’t help me. And it’s actions told me that they were not even on my side.

Because society is itself suffering a mental health crisis and I believe hatred of humanity and selfish escapism fantasy have always underpinned the culture pumped out daily.

Everyone sees the cruel exploitation under the cover but no-one is prepared to fundamentally challenge the established order.

In order for me to finally begin to be myself and take charge of my own life I’ve needed to separate from a society that I had become too attached to. And it remains a painful experience.

The more time I spend isolating myself, the lonelier I get, and the greater my need is for escapism.

I think I will end up needing to move on and leave my old life behind to fully heal and become mentally healthy. But I still want my old life back, next time hopefully it will be a better version of my old life.

There is a lot I have to be grateful for. I’m more financially secure than ever before and still have so much freedom.

Life is all work and no play. The hardest part is still to come, to take those real steps to actually stand up and take ownership of my life.

I’m actually doing really well as I’ve had a week off work to rest and recuperate, though I’ve procrastinated on making that first step towards moving on.

Times like these I reflect on how much progress I’ve made. I’m truly proud of how I hold on to my humanity despite the nagging negativity.

I’m probably right now the calmest and most confident and open that I’ve ever been. It stills hurts that no-one ever reaches out and asks me out, that no-one actually chooses to interact with me except only to worry.

I’m learning that I never again want to prostrate myself and beg for attention and affection off anyone because it is absolutely soul-crushing to do so.

My time is so precious to me that I’m not interested in proving anything to anyone and I’m not interested in anyone who has surrendered to a protective bubble of intolerance.

A little more off my chest. Thanks for reading as ever. Kindest Regards.

Self-empowerment – The Great Work

Sharing my new track

Quickly sharing my track, really enjoying listening to it.

Something strange yesterday. Had a rare feeling of contentment, pride and a sense of self-assuredness.

The ongoing project is to feel totally at ease with being myself, whatever that may be.

I feel a growing sense of being fundamentally proud of myself. Despite the fact that I will still be uncomfortable in some situations, I feel more secure and more fiercely myself.

As someone who sees the world as very black and white, I always imagined that learning to love myself would mean I had embraced an inner narcissism.

But the truth is I would be much better off that way than to continue living the opposite. A life devoid of self-esteem and self-worth.

My desire is to be both, all and anywhere in between. Because that would be so much more interesting than the maddening control of trying to hold on to who I am.

As for the innate desire to be social again and have a colourful life of friends and social activity, will being more secure make me more comfortable and ease the nasty social anxiety?

It may very well do so but more likely is that I will do better on my own.

Is the key to defeating loneliness having friends or being your own friend, the only friend you need?

My biggest autistic trigger has been when I felt excluded from social groups. All of it combined; rejection, abandonment, humiliation, not belonging among the liked and respected.

All the best memories I have are when I felt part of a social group. When I had a group of friends where I felt I belonged.

I ask myself now, how can I give myself the same feeling so I don’t feel so fearful of being excluded?

By pursuing everything that makes life worth living on my own terms.

I still hold on to the dream of producing something that brings me not just validation but respect and that is valued and desired by others.

That way I will feel that I am valued in the world, not just because of abstract caring but because I earned it.

But yet the only person I need such validation from is myself. I can maintain the high standards I expect from myself only as long as I interest myself.

At this time I am benefiting from having space to grow and expand my sense of self to a bigger feeling of self-empowerment. I still miss my friends deeply but the journey I take now is one which hopefully make me such a better version of myself.

I feel more comfortable admitting now that overcoming every hurdle I put in front of myself is what truly interests me now.

I say this because I’ve been to the very bottom and this is what I have to do to make a life worth living.

I surrendered so much of myself to be a social animal that I felt robbed when I was pushed away. It was the most painful experience ever because I needed to feel cared about, but at the same time I was building my own prison around both myself and those whose affection I needed.

My time spent with autistic friends taught me that we need to be free to be ourselves. We need a lot in life to feel safe, comfortable and happy.

As human beings we all need certain things, as for us neurodivergents, some small amount of normalcy applies. But ultimately we respond differently to life.

I understand that I am deeply affected by addictive needs and as long as they give my life a purpose, I will happily march to their beat. And I shouldn’t be ashamed or let anyone else tell me what is good or bad for me.

It’s taken me a year of hell to reach this point and I’ve needed this hell to finally understand what it actually means for me to be autistic.

We can often feel strangled by the neurotypical world. It’s up to us to make a world for ourselves and for that we need to understand ourselves and be empowered to be ourselves.

I’ve spent a great deal of time wrestling with the conundrum that I don’t feel any connection to anyone of any neurotype. Well now I’m feeling making the most difficult connection I know.

The scariest and most alien, but the most rewarding connection.

To emphasise I’ll use the biggest and boldest letters. MYSELF.

The monumental task of keeping myself interested doesn’t seem quite so scary anymore. Because I know what makes me feel free to be myself.

The Great Work doesn’t feel so onorous anymore. In fact it is simply the function of self-satisfaction writ large.

Thank you for reading. I feel so much stronger now. Never surrender.

Kindest Regards to you whoever you are and whatever battle you face in private x

Feelings Talk part 3

Just going to add a little bit more here but I’m reminded now that everytime I write on here, it clarifies the feelings I have. All I want, regardless of how it happens, is just to be happy again.

Just to stop feeling the way I do now.

There are so many memories that evoke feelings of sadness. Some of these frequently feel such a strong impulse that they are associated with deep fear. They are to be avoided at all cost.

I’m long overdue for a good cry. Last time I had a good cry I posted on facebook how it was a victory.

This is often the way I am but when I stop feeling angry and bitter, the feeling is just replaced by pure sadness, longing for what’s missing.

It’s the most firmly held belief I have, that has been the iron-clad centre of my being for all 39 and half years of my life, that I need to feel loved by someone else to be truly happy. All the advice I’ve had received seems to suggest that I simply choose to be happy.

The thing about true beliefs are that you can’t just simply choose what to believe in. The real appeal of fantasy seems to be that you can choose to believe anything you want, the rules of reality no longer seem to matter.

I’d very much like to take a break from reality and reengage with fantasy again. I’ve been reading the old Fighting Fantasy gamebooks that I was obsessed with as a kid and I have a desire now to create my own. It’s an interesting avenue for me to properly launch my long-held creative writing ambitions.

Thank you so much again for reading.

If you defeat the evil wizard, turn to 400.

Feelings talk part 2

It was the connection that I needed more than anything. Because without I simply stop caring.

There was a reason I simply couldn’t stay friends. I distinctly felt that we could no longer give each other anything but anxiety and fear.

I’m not ashamed about how I became consumed with negativity throughout the 2 years of covid measures and I’m proud of how hard I fought to stay connected.

But I always knew deep down that I had a become a source of fear for her.

And that I was desperately dragging her down into my own personal hell. It’s true what they say about misery loving company.

I want to be a force for good in anyone’s life. But in her case I wanted to be so much more than that.

The world is such a relentlessly horrible place to focus on. I want now to escape it for a while so I can be free from anxiety and pain.

My favourite Twitter account recently posted something which I’ll share at some point. We all need friends, I don’t care what anyone says.

It would help me now to have friends and maybe without the hyperfocus I usually bring. I don’t blame my old friends for being distant while I’ve been craving attention.

I can maybe be more casual if I’m feeling good about myself and can be grateful for the company.

But I’m looking for someone who will break through the walls I build around myself and make me feel connected again.

I think I was always looking for something truly worth fighting for. The most unlikely love story that only only a maniac like myself would ever pursue. And I can honestly say I simply wasn’t interested in anything else.

Ultimately the story would only ever have a happy ending in the realms of fantasy.

There’s maybe a lesson there about turning fantasy into reality. It’s lost on me, I’m afraid.

I guess this weeks unsolvable conflict is that I need to be inspired before I can inspire anyone else but no-one can inspire me until I inspire them.

All I can do is try to inspire myself by pushing against the anxiety and slowly changing myself into someone bolder and braver.

My final point here is how I really need to stop viewing the world through such an unforgiving moral lens.

I’m never going to be happy until I can be at peace with those who I still associate with so much hurt.

It’s the people around me who define so much of my world. I just hope that people can me joy again.

Thank you for reading. I hope it’s of benefit.

Kindest Regards

Jamie

Feelings talk

It’s been a wild emotional journey this last couple of weeks. Quite a lot I should talk about. Will try to get as much down as I can tonight.

Having some more time off work I managed to attend the local autism hub drop in. I knew there was a possibility that my old friends would be there and I was dreading it.

Sure enough they were there. As I prepared myself for it, I inevitably hid myself away in a corner.

I didn’t really want to be there but I stayed for a short while. Ending up leaving early enough so I didn’t have to confront them.

Having finally at least put myself in the position of possible confrontation I did reach an understanding. That i was still a long way off where I want to be.

But more importantly having chosen to leave and be by myself, that i was able to see things slightly differently and be more patient with myself.

I realised something I’ve been avoiding thinking about. I know what it is about my autism that really hurts me is the lack of meaningful connection to people.

A lot has been written about Theory of Mind and how it can be a deficiency for those of us who struggle with it.

From those neurotypicals who only see the lack of empathy from our side. What people truly don’t see is how fundamentally isolating it is.

To be in a room full of friendly people but feel totally alone in your own plane of existence.

To feel like there’s no point being there and that I might as well not exist in any significant way.

That no matter how much people care and want to understand, they will never experience anything of the internal world as I feel it.

For a few days I’ve been generally building myself for walking away from everyone and actually being alone. In the vague hope that I will learn how to make myself happy and dedicate the rest of my life to my own happiness.

I dreamed of her again before waking up yesterday. In the dream I was trying to get her to talk to me and she didn’t. But then I didn’t need her to.

I saw her dancing without any fear or anxiety and for that moment I loved her more than ever. I just felt pure love for she was and the for the first time in a long while I didn’t want or need anything from her.

I was so grateful that she was happy and free.

And I felt happy and free too.

The truth is that no matter what anyone says I always feel better when people around me are happy and enjoying themselves.

I’m getting tired of people who don’t understand what it’s like telling me that I shouldn’t care what anyone else thinks about me. That is who I am.

I’ve only met one person in my life who really understood and showed me such acceptance and made me feel connected to someone.

She inspired me to dream of a happy life and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.

I still do and think I always will.

To be continued