Eyes opened again

Well to start off I should say that I have recorded a vlog which was illuminating but I’m not sure whether to post as I had a breakthrough and am starting to see the truth.

On the topic of healing my inner child by reforming my inner adult and bringing them together. I told myself something I needed to hear.

My inner adult just wasn’t good enough and he needed to do better. No more excuses. I made a promise to myself to actually parent myself because my anxiety probably stems from the fact that I cowardly hid away from taking responsibility for looking after myself.

Lo and behold, what actually happened after that? I began to accept some unpleasant truths that I had not yet faced up to. Regular readers may have spotted subtle references to this fact. I have been running away from the truth for some time.

First off I began to consider the unquestionable. That in fact I’m not who I thought I am and my real personality type is actually all that I had hated.

Yeah so I’m really an ISTJ, the exact opposite of what I thought. Although I should stress that my super/alter ego is an INFJ. This is where I go to when I mask and hide the truth.

I believed i was an INFJ and I think I’ve spent so much time in this state that I have lost track of which one is the good and the bad. The simple truth is that I’ve always been a boring robot but I have this dark side to me and I have grown more and more attached to the dark alter ego.

My life was simply too boring that my mind needed to escape into the fantasy role of this mystical genius, all-knowing safe who lives on another plane separate from reality.

What I’ve read about the super ego is that it wants to take control from the regular ego but it’s not really in control at all. Just thinks it is. Like the caretaker manager who takes over when the boss gets the sack. Except this one thinks it can do a better job.

And so here’s the full story of what happened. I fell in love with ISTJ autistic best friend. Sounds very narcissistic to say I fell in love with someone who basically is like me in every way.

But I had self-hated myself so much that I had flipped into my darker persona. So now we were the exact opposite.

I fell in love with her as a way of learning how to love myself but that never would have worked because I was splitting further away from my true self and I was living a lie, although I began to believe it more and more. Until it crumbled.

Our friendship was based on the fact that I had taken control by giving it away. I was completely narcissistic in intent but my body surrendered and I put her needs before my own every time.

As ISTJs we both need honesty, autheticity and trust. We both need to know who the other person is in reality to protect ourselves from getting emotionally hurt. And to a degree I think we both protected each other’s feelings at the expense of our own while hiding the truth.

And so a relationship between us would never have worked because we were too similar. Had the same strengths and weaknesses. It’s painful because I still love her and I still want to spend the rest of my life with her but it would mean both of us settling for similarity and not pursuing more complimentary relationships.

I think I’ve developed this dual identity because of how unfathomly lonely I’ve become but I guess I can call on the more mysterious persona to provide a bit of excitement.

It feels too late now for me to ditch the demonic mystic persona, I think it’ll be a part of me forever. But the way forward is to make sure they work together and don’t hate each other as they have done.

I will probably need to make one of them the master. Probably better to concentrate on regaining my ISTJ ego and making it the boss. This means looking to find a new or old routine that makes me happy and comfortable.

In a similar way I need to recombine my inner adult and child because they too have grown to hate each other but they can make amends.

I’ve already started to apply a method of meditation that helps the inner child and adult to reconnect. When I feel the deep anxiety in my chest I place my hand and feel the anxiety as a physical sensation through my hand.

I can feel that anxiety turn from a knot of tension into a blaze of heat energy that feels positively affirming.

This is my way of letting the inner adult take the pain away from the inner child. Not that I’ve produced an instant cure for anxiety or anything but I genuinely feel less afraid.

I went to the autism hub today and my old friends were there including she. We didn’t talk or even acknowledge each other’s presence but some mutual friends came up to me and asked how I was and were pleased to see me and invited me out.

I was nervous and I felt it would be good practise to put some boundaries in place by not jumping in feet first. I wasn’t quite ready as I didn’t want to chase the first offer available and desperately grab on to the old bonds with them.

I’m unsure about pursuing any new or old friendship until I’m completely healed and can say that I’m complete secure.

I said earlier that I was nervous, that was an understatement. What I felt was the pull of the masking alter ego. I felt like my identity was being ripped away and I was left as an unprotected and vulnerable child. It felt and still feels as though I’m about to experience the same horrific pain all over again.

And so I’m putting some boundaries up just to prove that I can. I have to respect myself. That is how I can parent myself.

It’s true what they say about compassion. We have vulnerabilities precisely because they engender compassion and here is where you’ll find it. However the world has more than it’s fair share of psychos who see people’s vulnerabilities as something to exploit for their own gain.

Needless to say that I think these are the people who are truly mentally unhealthy. They are unable to address their own insecurities and hence they take from others what they cannot give themselves.

And yes I admit I have done this. I have been the villain in my own play. I fell in love with my friend for the wrong reason. Because I needed to take from her what I could not give myself.

My inner child has been my moral core and he stood so strong despite being neglected. I’ve been so zealous in fixing my mental health issues because I just knew that they made me the villain I became.

Selfishness comes from need and need comes from insecurity. We can become secure as long as we learn how to parent and protect ourselves. I can perhaps now approach the issues by simply being there to hold my own hand instead of ruthlessly analysing every move.

Talking to myself. Getting used to hearing myself speak my own truths. It’s ok to feel hurt so long as you tell yourself you are hurt and you listen to how and why. If we repress all the hurt to avoid being vulnerable we carry that hurt through life.

Getting hurt is how we grow as people. I think I pursued love in such a way that I was looking to get hurt, looking to fail, because I needed to learn how to deal with getting hurt.

And yet I took things too far, got too hurt to deal with. Why am I still obsessed with this? Because I’m having to learn the hardest way possible. My issues are so deeply embedded and complex and I always knew it would take a long, long time to sort out.

Because like everything, I’m having to do it all alone. Doing it this way though, my victory will be all the greater and complete. If it ever comes.

Is all this rambling going to help me become confident and secure? It’s helping in a small way. I’ve got to learn to deal with getting hurt and I need to forever be honest about who I am and be honest about what I want and don’t want.

There’s a wonderful line from The Expanse TV show. “The only choice we really have in this world is to walk away” It was the right thing to do for me and her both to walk away.

Respect is everything for us and I only began to respect her when she stood up for herself and walked away. Earning my own respect has been extremely difficult. How could I possible do it until I addressed my own self-abandonment and become more assertive.

Yes, it’s about damn time that I respect myself.

Why am I so socially anxious? People can and will hurt me but I refused to acknowledge the hurt and refused to defend myself, thinking that I deserved it. After all, everyone else is normal and I’m the defective one?

Alas no, everyone is defective to some extent. I can be better than they are because of the journey I’ve been on. I’m so damn self-aware that I can see all of my faults, it’s time to stop getting hung up over them and just be.

It’s time to dig out that empathy and understanding. Be aware of who is willing to learn and who is stacking all of their problems on something else.

I should probably put a long read warning on this one but what the hell, take it as it comes.

Thank you so much reading, anyone who does. I love you very much on my own way

Jamie xx

I should probably put a

Self-actualising

It should come as a surprise to no one that I haven’t done anything productive since turning 40. But I’ve reached a new level of understanding who I really am.

I understand now that I will always be a dreamer who lives only in the subjective world of my own reason and imagination, living only for the search for meaning.

It isn’t in anyway useful or important to me to live in the real objective world. My history has always been one of fantasy narrative and living a life that serves a deep purpose.

I was in love with my best friend for 3 years and I never asked her out or pushed for anything more than the friendship that I needed. All that time I was fulfilling the narrative that we were a family, the family that I had wanted.

Caring and acceptance and belonging. I was part of the real world by forging a personal connection. But in my head we were in a relationship of sort that gave my life meaning.

Upon hearing that she didn’t think of me as any more than a friend and she had pushed me away to send me a message, my whole reason for living collapsed.

I tried my best to stay friends but I doubt that either of us really knew if we wanted to stay friends and left it up to each other.

The truth was that no, I didn’t want to stay friends because being friends for the sake of it means nothing to me and I’m just anxious about being in the moment without dreaming of fulfilment.

I know that I was living a false existence and though I was being myself I wasn’t honest about my intentions and I had submitted out of fear to pretend that I was a loyal friend when I always needed more.

Ultimately when I was diagnosed with ASD and I made new friends at the hub, I thought these were my people and I belonged. It was only that way because I was masking and repressing to fit in. My autistic friends weren’t like me at all and that’s why I never fully actualized and continued to live behind a wall not letting anyone see.

A new theory I’m digesting is that behind all the social anxiety is that I haven’t self-actualised and I never learned how to apply myself in the real world.

I live in a world of my own mind that is not connected to reality because my inner world was never mirrored by those around me as I developed in childhood. I’ve never seen my inner world have any impact on the outer world so I don’t believe my actions will affect anything.

The real reason I’ve never believed in myself is that actually I don’t believe the real world reacts to me in any way that benefits me. My hopes and desires are just not reflected anywhere outside and everyone else seems determined not to let me have any effect on them.

How will I thrive when my brain is wired to only be good at the subjective understanding but not the objective action?

What do I have to contribute to society except for philosophising and imagining? Something that only serves escapism from reality as a unique and intangible vision.

I’ve gone into INFJ territory and have finally found people who are like me. One in particular who seems to share the exact same issues. Another who thinks the things I think but is not afraid to say them and be controversial.

Does it feel like seeing people who genuinely are like me sharing themselves and their thoughts will help me to finally see myself mirrored in the objective world? Maybe.

As of the present moment I’m learning that I don’t need anyone in my life who isn’t going to respond to me in a meaningful way.

I’m also focussed on doing what I want and saying what I want. Empowering myself to actually put myself out in the world and look towards getting what I want in life, never settling for anything less.

I’ve spent far too much of myself people pleasing and now I want to develop the inner narcissist that exists within me.

Yes, I’m either a narcissist or a people pleaser. Never anything in between. I don’t and never will be one of those guys that takes and takes and abuses and demands and controls others to get I want but I do want to become completely full of myself.

I guess I see the experiences of people like me and realise that the world will never see who we are unless we scream and shout for attention.

Doing the right thing has always been a prime motivator and I drive myself to be the best at doing the right thing. Ironically, I’m probably more secure than most when it comes to it. I don’t really need much from anyone and I can and do exist alone and will keep doing so if it comes to it.

I define the world I live in and I define success in my own terms. It’s only in the presence of others do I obsess over judgements and that’s because I don’t feel good in the objective world.

The important message to take home is that I don’t thrive among other people and my life won’t be a success until I learn it’s ok to live my own subjective existence.

I can be the wise man who sees things no one else can and not really care if anyone else agrees with me. To actually manifest myself in the world means making my own narrative more important than anything else.

This is what I do best, questioning and pondering the meaning of existence and humanity. Not merely doing stuff because everyone else says doing stuff is useful and important.

This is the journey I’ve been on my whole life. All the time I spend in my room not doing stuff has been to build the picture of everything. Every moment a paragraph in the story that connects to the next.

It’s all been leading to here. How the fuck can I actually connect with the world and manifest myself? What does it all mean? Why am I here? Who really cares? Who has the answers?

It’s all going to come from within, nothing anyone else can say or do for me will ever be the answer. I must find my own way and live the life I choose.

I hope that I can contribute by inspiring others to do the same. It’s the biggest gift I have to give, to help people find their own way, their own meaning.

I live in service only of those who can say that I mean something to them. They who demonstrate that I exist in the objective world by responding to what I have to offer.

I’ve made a lot of mistakes and done bad and hurtful things but it’s better to know you can rather than think you can’t. Trust me on this.

It’s about self-respect at the end of the day and without it I’m going to remain a sad, pathetic wretch who doesn’t matter. And if I don’t trust myself when I say this, then I am truly nothing.

Thanks as always for reading. Video blog should be in this week weather permitting. Until then x

Telling your stories

Turning 40 on the morrow. FML as they say. Been looking towards the big picture. Asking myself what am I really going to do with my life.

Creative exploits are nice. Working on a techno track which is gearing up to be my magnum opus. Planning on turning all the tracks into a concept album, telling the story of my struggles this past year and a half.

I want to carry on doing what I’m enjoying at the moment while keeping an eye out for opportunities to grow by overcoming hardship.

I continue to slavishly devote most of my attention to empowering myself and learning to defeat the anxieties. To stop caring what people think of me and display my true self at any cost.

I’m moving away from seeing myself in terms of autism and begin to approach life as just doing whatever I do and not making excuses. Not look to hide away from negative assumptions.

It was and is the case that I need to fully understand myself, what I can and can’t do. How to get the best out of myself and when to step back. Defend myself where I need to.

Maybe I’ve been so afraid because I live under so many assumptions that really come from the way others see me. I’ve never been able to really look at myself and judge myself honestly.

I am so very different to everyone and I’ve never truly met anyone who really thinks the same way and sees the world the same way. It can be a lonely place when you are different.

The hardest lesson I’ve learned so far is simply that no one cares. People are interested but they don’t really care. They are just being themselves. They don’t expect to be challenged or confronted about anything important.

They care in the way such that no one wants to be alone in the world and we all exist only to give us someone to talk to. People say “you do you and I’ll do me” and we all just do our thing.

What brings us together it seems is a mutual dislike for conflict and so we don’t talk about stuff that really matters.

I’m going to have to plough my own way through life and that means creating my own environment that benefits me. They say that people don’t care if you fail and they’re more worried about themselves anyway.

I have to be ok with failing so long as I learn the lesson and keep growing. I have to be ok with hurting people so long as I learn the lesson and keep growing.

I have to be ok with telling people when they hurt me otherwise they won’t understand. I have to be at peace with my dark side to be able to be at peace with other people.

Reconnecting with the desire to help people and be of service to the common good but at the same time I want to show my subversive opposition to everything in the world that depresses me.

Had planned to go away this week and take some leisure time. Couldn’t really be arsed to make it happen. Might look out for a last minute booking and go for a couple of days.

I should have taken the opportunity to experience somewhere different and be away from the usual backdrop I’ve grown so tired of.

There is still work to be done and I find it hard to drop everything. It’ll be good to take a break from work but I think I just want to stay in and keep on letting my mind wander towards a better tomorrow.

What good is it going away somewhere when I still don’t know what I want to do?

I guess I want to be able to look for social opportunities but to feel bulletproof wherever I go. To find someone interesting enough to care about while feeling like they can’t ever hurt because I can be in control of my mind and I can say I don’t need anything from you that would make me vulnerable.

I’m looking for that iron will that says “I am here to do something I like and if I don’t like it I can go somewhere else”. I should also know what I’m looking for and stay open to opportunity.

Times like these I do ask myself “What am I afraid of exactly?” What is it that I’m so scared of losing when I don’t feel like I have much worth keeping.

It’s better to give myself away than have it taken away but either way I lose myself and I don’t believe anyone is worth losing myself over anymore.

I guess that it what means to stop caring but I want to keep caring, just not at my own expense.

Perhaps I was never truly authentic in any of my social groupings. I did my best but I didn’t have the mental strength to be authentic and people liked me more when I cared.

At least I imagined they did. Actually only a select few people who I felt good to be around made it easy for me to be myself.

My loyalty burns strong in this state but it quickly dissipates under conflict.

I think being reborn at 40 will hopefully turn the tide so I embrace being unique, different, unusual, edgy, subversive, etc. while never feeling the need to conform because that just doesn’t appeal.

Not a fan of mantras normally but I say I’d rather be alone now than ever pretend to be someone else in order to fit in. Long may it be the case.

I need not be alone in the modern world of online connection but I can be picky and selective about who I dedicate my time to.

And in any case I’ve got a rich inner world to tap into and I hope to create my own worlds to enrich my soul and embiggen the spirit.

I’ve not explored enough in my life. Rarely felt the need to but life was so much more full when I did.

Yep, knowing that my life is far too dull and that I need to try new things that don’t feel comfortable at first, it takes bottle and drive.

To expand the point I’m trying to make, we live in a society where everyone loves to tell their story and everyone wants you to tell yours, but that’s as far as it goes when it comes to it. The full content of your story is of little genuine consequence.

As long as you tell your story people are happy but does your story actually matter to anyone else? I feel compelled to say it shouldn’t but we all need someone to listen.

If that was all that mattered was there any point to telling it? I only know that I needed to start listening to myself despite how painful it was.

I like very much for people to hear my story more than I ever have before which is a good sign. Though I would prefer it if it’s from genuine interest rather than just having someone to talk to.

I don’t know what to expect tomorrow. It will be lovely to see family but there will be some darkness as I still miss my old friends. Very tempted to get hammered and dance with the demons.

Why not begin my life anew with a brand new dark ritual? Set a new tradition to celebrate victory over the old ways. Get in touch with the my demonic alter ego and scheme the undermining of pointless morality.

Big thank you for reading as ever

Jamie x

Got some stuff to work through tonight. Been feeling low for quite some time and don’t really know where to turn.

I’ve some progress with regards to knowing that I need to lay some ghosts to rest. Some deeply held pain keeps me stuck and I need to work it back into focus. I don’t think I can just get out of my system.

But yes my self-esteem is still shattered by the way things happened. Particularly the way it felt like all my friends one day woke up and told themselves that I was a threat to them and they could just drop me from their lives as if I was just a piece of trash stuck to their shoe.

I understand that I had a lot of negativity and it was probably for the best. And I’ve got my own way of looking at the world and my own expectations. I did feel betrayed and humiliated by those who dropped me when I had put so much of myself into friendship.

I only ever demanded loyalty when I was feeling abandoned and I’d stopped feeling that life was worth living.

And yet of course people are who they are and I couldn’t control the feelings and intentions of others.

And thus I needed some form of assurance and predictability in order to overcome my anxiety. I have to understand the minds and wills of others otherwise I will do what I ended up doing which was to hollow myself out and be left with nothing but hurt.

So to learn the lesson of the last two years. I know that I need to find some way around my anxiety and take back some control of myself.

It’s difficult now to admit that I can’t surround myself with people like them anymore. I don’t feel like I can ever be comfortable around someone if they have any fears at all.

I am and always have been inspired only by the most fearless individuals and yet everyone has these deep insecurities. Ultimately I will find myself at the mercy of anyone who has anxieties. I will wish to help them so dearly and they will never like how deeply I will look into their soul.

At this horrible time where everything is doom and gloom people look to solidarity and support and no one seems to ever be able to help me when I need it.

It saddens to me say but I don’t feel like I can look my old autistic friends in the eye and say I care about them anymore. I was never cut out to be friends unless I felt cared about and I always people to put their words into action.

I don’t really want to share my autism anymore because it feels distinctly like I’m hollowing myself out again for others benefit. Ever since I got diagnosed I’ve been paddling further and further into the chaotic flow of how my brain works.

It’s gotten me nowhere. I just want to forget about everything and let myself go.

The lesson I’ve been struggling so painfully with is that it’s ok to stop caring about someone if they’re not willing and able. And if someone stops caring about me I shouldn’t take it personally and I should have realised that I wasn’t willing to learn the lesson that came my way.

It might help me to deal with social anxiety if I knew that most people aren’t really worth investing in. I’ve no desire to be normal to fit in and I never really cared about anyone who doesn’t see things with the same intensity.

What do I want to do with my time that feels like is of sufficient worth. That maybe doesn’t cause me any anxiety, that feels safe to engage in but can satisfy my mind?

That isn’t tainted with the present depression? That is new and exciting and fulfilling?

Doing things that I had previously felt would make me look bad in the eyes of others. Realising now that I don’t care for the judgements of those who have already shown me they’re not on my side.

Finding out who out of anyone is on my side can only be done by breaking the chains of inhibition and showing my true self.

I’ve noticed of course that I am drawn to and attracted to people who are different because they have strengths where I have weakness. I’ve come to hate those weaknesses in myself and now I’ve come to hate those qualities in others.

Therein lies the key to the mystery. I’ve always hated and feared and repressed my own dark side and nowadays I see it everywhere. It’s ok to have a dark side but everyone seems to hide theirs.

I can begin to control it by engaging it and recognising that I need not be afraid of it because I’m no longer invested in protecting those who seek to avoid the dark side of the human mind.

The truth that I’ve always understand but never been able to apply is that I need to be secure enough to be myself before I can be secure in any sort of relationship so I can appreciate and love what is different.

I want to be unafraid of being provocative and bold. Challenging people around me to be more interesting. I want to fully regain my perchance for subversion.

I don’t want to waste any more of my life analysing what went wrong. I don’t want to spend another minute thinking other people are better than me and that I should defer to their way.

Turning 40 next weekend. I’m conserving my energy until my week off work when I can really begin to activate. My birthday is the least important thing going on in my life and yet everyone seems to think I should make a big deal out if it.

Being able to communicate who I really am will help people to understand just how neurodiverse I really am and I hope I can inspire something in people, even if it’s only to confirm or deny whether anyone thinks I’m a good person or not.

Everyone who knows me says I’m a lovely person but I’ve had to put that mask on. People are just very cautious around me now that I’ve sporadically let my demons out. No one knows who I really am because I’ve locked so much darkness inside.

It’s not my nature to go out deliberately hurting people but it’s not to make people feel good either. The mission is to not to become someone else but to stop being afraid of becoming who I always should have been.

I’m not someone who learns lessons easily. Learn by doing. But some things I just can’t feel comfortable doing. The same stubbornness that has kept me miserable is the same that has kept me going and will keep me on the path to self-betterment and self-empowerment.

Embracing new ideas feels like surrender but I feel a demonic energy behind them and I like dancing with demons.

Much of what I’ve written recently has just been words. Time for action. It’s going to take all of my willpower but I won’t give up.

Thanks for reading. Warm regards.

Update: Plans and Corrections

This will be the last time I talk in depth about this MBTI stuff as I think I’ve changed my mind again and have gone back to ~~ISTP~~ INFJ again. Trying to stick with this one now.

Basically I see now that I’ve been leading myself through this forest of self-discovery in a self-deceiving manner as I take myself around in circles instead of finding an answer.

This part of my brain that deceives to protect myself works through the creative ideation and I’m doing it to keep running from my problems.

So I’m engaging now in what I think I need to do which is to plan my day to day living in a way which is good for me. And to introduce a little bit of structure.

I’ve been living at the behest of everyone else’s routines because I lack so much in the planning department and it’s never going to be my strength.

Regaining control of my life means being independent so I can manage what I need to manage in a way that is in my interest rather than someone else’s.

Ultimately I think that I need to be stronger and more confident in the physical world. I feel weak because someone is always trying to manage my life for me and I never felt physically safe around people because everyone around me treats me like a snowflake.

Their worries and anxieties, I picked them all up and absorbed them like a sponge. Living in the physical moment and feeling the physical world is really my only connection to the outside and yet I’ve come to fear and mistrust it.

I don’t care much about safety but I know how much I need to have that ability in my locker to pursue the excitement of living in the moment.

This is the vital support structure that bridges the gap between my ego and my inner child. How I actually support myself. Those who try to protect me are robbing me of the very means to grow up and connect with adulthood.

The other issue to fix is the social anxiety. I’ve thought long and hard about how and why this manifests. I’ve remembered now that I’m not really and never have been a people person. I’ve pursued life in a way such that I’m only in a small group of close friends.

Really it is just a matter of stopping this obsession with having to perfect and learning how to say it’s ok to be crap, ok to struggle, ok to ask for help.

It’s ok to fail and it’s ok to not care.

I don’t owe my fellow human beings the best at all times and I can’t expect the best from them.

I do want myself and everyone to be as good as possible but it’s not actually how things are and ultimately, people will do what they do and I’m free to not give a shit about people if I can’t help them.

Believing and trusting in myself is where I want to be. Learning from the pain of bad experiences is how we really grow.

They say that when we avoid things, our unconscious mind has a way of directing us towards repeating those things so we can finally process and deal with them once and for all to clean our minds of the problem.

Past traumas can be particularly hard to deal with. But what can I say? I’ve been reliving the same shit so often there’s something deep within me that I haven’t confronted.

It is probably that the fact that I have well and truly submitted my entire life and that I should finally grow a backbone, stand up for myself and stop being afraid to actually be myself.

I like the fact that I have very high standards but I should engage openly about when things aren’t working and I shouldn’t take everything as a personal injury.

I am weak and vulnerable. My mind frequently shifts into shameful submission. I need my mind to be stronger and for that, I need to understand that other people have done little to deserve the attention I give them and both I and they deserve to be masters of our own destiny.

And so the plan is to start the process of doing things I don’t normally like doing but I totally should do. Learning how to be comfortable and flexible in the realm of the difficult.

I’m giving serious thought to allotting my free time between 6 useful activities, Dice style, letting fate decide which activity I should pursue. Ideally restricting each one to an hour or two, then switching to make sure I’m balancing different things and not obsessing so single-mindedly.

Making music, creative writing, physical exercise, chores, lazing about doing nothing, socialising in some form, organising stuff. I should take an hour each evening purely towards nightly routine stuff to make sure I’m prepared for the next day.

I want to be as active as I can so I’m actually tired enough to sleep instead of staying up all night trying to make up for a wasted day.

I want to give my overworked functions a rest and work my underutilized functions. That will give me a better balance.

Few people will really understand the crippling effects of social anxiety and why the best thing to do is to stop caring about others needs and meet your own needs.

Being a hero to others is the purpose and meaning of my life but it is the last piece of the jigsaw puzzle and I’m still working on the edges, building the framework to establish the structure.

I use this metaphor because my autistic repetitive behaviour when I was very little was to do jigsaw puzzles.

Life is the hardest puzzle to solve and I long for the picture but the process is more important and I don’t know what I would do if I1 ever actually solved the puzzle. Find another one to do?

I’ve spent my entire life being crap at everything because I never learned how to deal with being crap at anything.

I’m working on a new techno track and I’ve finally looked into how to sample output from the laptop. And by jove, it’s exactly how I wanted it to work. I’ve got many ideas on what I can do with it but I’m being patient with it and taking my time to get the best out of it.

I’m less anxious about putting myself out there because it’s all about what I love and what interests me and it’s not for the pleasure of others (well maybe it is a little).

I guess that it’s all about learning what actually matters. My social anxiety is just my brain screaming that everything matters in ways I can’t even begin to understand.

I can’t help but feel that stuff that doesn’t matter is of no interest and everything should matter for the sake of actually meaning something worthwhile.

So the lesson to learn is that I should find my own self-worth and assertiveness be more important to me than anything else. I’ll look for those who share my interests and I’ll look for what is important to other people but never at my own cost.

Time and time I’ll say it again. I need to be self-centred to get myself healthy enough to be able to help other people and be a selfless angel.

And if people don’t like me for it I will judge them negatively for exposing their own selfishness. I can understand why they are selfish though and hopefully respond in the right way.

It is fundamental though, for me to finally admit that I’m not the man I believed I should be. I am in fact, only the man I can be. Contrary to bullshit societal shrieking, it’s ok to be who I am. But I have to reverse so much ideological poison to allow myself to act according to my own true nature.

My own subconscious is screaming at me to subvert every societal moral demand. My conscious and subconscious is divided. The key to inner peace to unite them. But you know what? My subconconscious loves it. It probably shouldn’t be the boss of me but it is.

More succinctly, I shouldn’t view the battle as an insurmountable conflict but as the natural argument of psychology.

The brain only wants me to fill it’s own gaps.

Thanks for reading as ever

Jamie

Self-rediscovery

Well it’s been quite an epiphany light bulb moment but I feel like something has clicked and I sense I’ve finally hit that mark and now I’m back into the real me.

Been late for work a couple of times recently and I had to admit that I’m struggling to organise myself and keep on track.

It felt good to admit and it allowed me to readjust my thinking. Opened me up to new ideas which I hope to explore this weekend.

Now I’ve got a better idea of how my brain works I can begin to form a plan to live the right way. I’ve been doing it so wrong for so long.

I absolutely shouldn’t feel any shame for who I am and what I want. I should feel ashamed at being so ashamed.

So what can I say about how and why? Social anxiety – it plays hell with me because it prevents me from being everything that I should be in accordance with my deepest desires.

I’ve always felt I was trapped in the wrong mind. That might be true quite literally. That I couldn’t be myself and was forced to become someone else out of fear. Fear of myself maybe. Fear of others certainly.

And you might well say that only other people can influence us to fear and hate ourselves. We would never see ourselves that way without falling under the spell of believing others instead of believing ourselves.

I hope the time I spend alone can strengthen my inner beliefs and inner resolve so I can can stop giving a fuck about what other people think of me.

So I believe now that my personality type is actually ESTP. I thought I was INFJ but it seems that was actually my subconscious.

I’m an INFJ when I’m depressed. They say that depression comes with a personality change. I’ve got the same tools but I use them in the opposite order.

Without the anxiety I would be well and truly extroverted, living life to the max, seeking and spreading love while not caring about anything.

I love physically interacting with the world and I feel like a hero when I give pleasure to others.

I use my rational brain to solve problems and I feel like a healthy adult when I can figure out how to do something.

I blindly seek love and harmony from others to please the selfish inner child.

I’m stubbornly singleminded in how I see and interpret the world but my will is the weakest link. My own intentions and those of others are probably the real cause of my social anxiety and insecurities.

And to quickly dip into the shadow.

I worry deeply about loyalty and need to test the loyalty of those around me to keep me safe and give me routine.

I get actively defensive when people criticise me as it feels like people are trying stop me from growing and developing.

When I’m rejected and unloved the inner child does what children do when they’re scared and runs away. I hide my true feelings where no one can see them.

If I’m being watched and observed it feels like I’m being controlled my mind is filled with intense loathing and hatred. This is my biggest demon and biggest hypocrisy.

To sum I realise how much I’ve internalized. So much negativity directed towards people like me that I had turned on myself for my own detriment.

I have become woke in the true sense. I can now admit that I’m much more vain and shallow than I had thought. I wanted to think of myself as deep and soulful because I had been led to believe these were the desired characteristics. I’m interested in people who are because they represent something that I lack.

I’ve tried to emulate people like that to fit in and feel accepted but it was at the highest possible cost. That I had abandoned myself and lived a fraudulent existence.

It’s going to be a wild ride to start living the life I want without anxiety and maybe I’ll always be rusty. For the first time in my life I’ve got a genuine reason to get myself physically healthy and strong.

Getting mentally healthy will always be the acid test. I simply don’t and never have seen any worth in living this pointless non-living existence.

Plan for the weekend is to actually plan things. Plot a course towards following my dreams. Also to develop a healthy routine so I’m actually taking charge over the little things. It would be nice to actually prepare myself for every tomorrow instead of waking up as a hostage of life’s demands.

So many opportunities now, different things I like doing. I’ve never been very good at making decisions. I think there’s scope here for giving each thing a turn for a short time.

Honestly never thought about things this way before but I’d like to make each day more variety based.

What I can actually give to humanity is only my own particular flavour of humanity.

I can sum up anxiety by saying that it’s the feeling that things aren’t going to be ok. And if I’m not doing what I do and love, of course things aren’t going to be ok.

So why the fuck am I not doing that already? I’m so out of practise. Lived my whole life under my own shadow.

The lesson to learn is that you should never be afraid to admit when things aren’t going well. Just be honest with yourself and those around you.

Life is a series of lessons, don’t ever think you are perfect the way you are. Ask yourself what you’d rather be doing and how you can be doing it.

Love of humanity only comes when you learn to love yourself.

Thanks for reading. All my love to those who do.

Jamie

More honesty I guess to motivate

Some thoughts to share tonight, some progress has been made towards being able to move on and finally put the old hurt to bed.

It comes with being able to look myself in the mirror and say this is who I am and this isn’t where I want to be. But beginning to understand that I was looking for someone to fill the void and, the slightly creepy expression, “complete me”.

Yet I was always just following my heart and I always did what I thought was the right thing to do. And I shouldn’t have compromised who I was to fit in.

I was immature in terms of how I approached trying to get what I wanted and I couldn’t see the long term implications. How the relationship I was seeking was just the cheap and lazy solution to all of my problems.

I understand now that I was deluding myself into something to avoid dealing with all my deep issues. I’ve come to understand that we were too different and we saw the world differently and we dreamed of different worlds.

I was the one who was dependent and so I was the one who abandoned my own needs and put myself last to the point of martyrdom. I was the one who had to hide my true self like a chameleon to make our friendship work.

I’m no longer ashamed of anything I did with the exception of the things I did in desperation where I had totally lost track of who I was.

I get told regularly by people who see the world differently that it’s wrong for me to try to change people. I never forced anyone to change, everything about me is that I see so much potential for growth.

That is the story of lives that our lives are constantly changing and we grow as we experience more of what life has to offer.

What I always dreamed of was to inspire people to be better. To push people around me to question who they are and what they do.

I don’t feel like there’s anything I’ve ever done that has actually inspired anyone else. Really the story of my life has been as a lowly springboard, for someone to jump on so they could leap higher.

It inevitably hurts when others go through a growth period, that it’s never with me, more like in spite of me.

To turn to what I really need to talk about, and it’s the important issue of how I see autism in myself and others. More pertinently how I interpret the meaning of it.

I should be honest and say that it will always be a disability to me and it will always be a harm that should be a sore point. It represents so much loss of potential. That I could have been so much more.

I consider my autism to be something that damages my competency as a human being. While this is a very touchy subject, I can be very touchy about being criticised for being incompetent. It’s not something anyone wants to hear.

It’s not the criticism that hurts, it’s the lack of understanding that hurts.

I had a talk with an old friend from the hub and she shares the view that we should never look at autism as a negative judgement. We’re not bad, were just different.

We’re not disabled, we live in a world that doesn’t play to our strengths but our weaknesses.

The truth is that I find it very invalidating to be told there’s nothing wrong with me. I’ve always sensed the black hole that exists in my conscious and my recent experiences have really felt like actual brain damage.

I’ve looked at the way others behave and I think to myself that the part of my brain that would have given me the ability to behave the same way must have been ripped away in a catastrophic event.

For others, the path towards being mentally healthy means accepting and loving who you are. But I see so much further within myself to see who I could be if only I didn’t have this autism.

I don’t wish to hurt anyone by saying this and I still want this blog to be helpful to anyone who is autistic. For me though, I’m here to support those who are disabled. If you’re not disabled then you sure as hell don’t need my help.

This is the thing about being naturally introverted. We really on ourselves to make decisions so we need to be independent. It’s a matter of pride in saying I don’t need help.

Also we can avoid situations where we may be expected to reciprocate helping others when they don’t see or respect our own hidden disabilities.

No one is perfect as the saying goes. It’s a useful defense to trot out when facing judgement. I judge myself and others to a higher standard and that is part of who I am.

What has helped me come to terms with things is that I can recognise better that people shouldn’t be judged by their weaknesses but I’m no longer invested in people who aren’t willing to improve themselves.

Self-acceptance is good but it shouldn’t be taken as license to say that I shouldn’t be challenged on anything. That I can’t be so much more than who I am now. That I can’t learn ways of compensating to overcome weakness.

There’s a cultural divide between those who don’t want personal change and those who do. Some who see outside agents of change as hostile malevolent manipulators. Some of us see the necessity of outside agents in learning about the world.

I think for the first time in my life, I can appreciate how people see the world differently and that I’m not to blame for every personal conflict. People just have their own way of dealing with things and the truth is that few people will ever be on the same page.

I always had a vision of a better world and what truly broke me was how everyone around me took the world in the opposite direction. They can do whatever they feel is best but I’m not going to follow them. What actually saved me was the fact that I didn’t follow them.

I lost hope because I had sacrificed so much only to be discarded. Now do I see how important it is to believe in myself and I understand how important it is to not care about how others judge me.

I never really listened to anyone who said I was a good person, no, reality is the ultimate arbiter and the reality was that I couldn’t live up to my true values and judgements.

This is my gift, what I have best to offer the world. A vision of the world where we live up to our potential and we give of ourselves to improve someone else’s lot in life.

We seek connections to each other because we have so much to offer each other. We understand the world can be godawful to face alone but we can find strength in numbers.

The more I look at how the world treats autism, the more I see a selfish predator, seeking to keep us in our bubbles to make sure we don’t stand up for ourselves. People see our naive, vulnerable nature and seek to ensure we don’t grow into healthy adults.

Because I see the future in which we merely accept everything and question nothing. When we are encouraged to look only at who we are now and persuaded that we must be happy with our implicit identity.

There is a reason why we psychologically develop demons within us, they are the force that says no. They are what we unleash when someone has wronged us. That includes when we have wronged ourselves.

The thing I need people to understand is that I need learn how to help myself before I help others. I’m being selfish now because I need to reconnect with myself and reengage my heart and soul.

I need to meet my own demands before I even think about meeting the demands of others. But that is what is expected of me. To keep churning out that nice guy image.

When I needed to care about myself, that is when I stopped caring about others. I’ll care about you again, when I actually start to care about myself and not look into the abyss of martyrdom.

I know how everyone seems to be struggling at the moment and everyone seems to be retreating into selfishness. I can see but I just can’t care.

Not until I’ve regained my ego and relearned to trust myself. There is a purpose to everything I do and I want to feel the deep euphoria of actually hitting that sweet bullseye of overcoming some deep adversity.

You know what it feels like to achieve something you never thought possible? This is the deep unlocking of your truest potential.

This is the Godlike feeling that exists within every flawed human being. What can I say except that it feels good beyond words.

Why wouldn’t anyone want to feel like this? There’s a natural anxiety about it but this is why it’s so good to face anxiety head on and fuck it off.

This is how I think I can ultimately inspire anyone who shares this painful anxiety. You don’t have to live in a predefined box that limits your potential and admits defeat.

But I can’t really inspire anyone until I’ve actually lived it and done it for myself. Oh how I wish to break free.

Thanks for reading. If you’re going to fight, fight to win. Kindest Regards.

Jamie xx

Game of Thrones/ASOIAF – Some spoilers included

It’s about time I started talking about something other than myself. So without further ados, yes I’m a big fan of GRRM’s work in particular.

I got into the show first after season 6 aired. Bought the first 5 series on DVD, then read all the books before series 6 came out on DVD. It’s fair to say that books (source material) is the key to it’s success.

The books are magnificent and the first few series were magnificent when they were faithful to the books.

When the source ran dry it became increasingly clear that the showrunners had given up on plotting a coherent story and just gave towards spectacle and writing for their favourite actors to look cool.

It’s been 11 years since the last book was published, the same year the show first aired. I live for the next book because I’m desperate to see how the proper story develops.

The original pilot was dogshit by all accounts. It is plain that Benioff and Weiss were charlatans who conned GRRM into believing that they knew what they were doing.

I’d recommend Dragon Demands YT channel for an expert expose on the showrunners and their shallow, narcissistic approach to writing.

They totally subverted the real message of the work and besmirched the arcs of many beloved characters.

Prime example being the case of Arya Stark. She’s a big fan favourite because of her strength of will and determination. Also a real rebellious tomboy streak who dreams of becoming a fierce warrior.

Her story in the books is of horrific trauma for a young child to face and she falls under the influence of other traumatised, violent people.

There is huge potential for her story to develop as she has the most potential for redemption.

What did show do? Turned her into smirking killer who does everything badass. Everyone cheered when she took her revenge and there were no consequences whatsoever. No follow through. No logic at all.

The show which killed several important characters through a single infected wound had Arya survive several stab wounds to the stomach and a swim through a canal, then to perform superhuman feats of endurance and kill her more experienced trainer.

Arya’s series 6 arc has to be the most nonsensical thing I’ve ever seen. Benioff and Weiss showed their true colours by casting Ed Sheeran as present to Maisie Williams. And because she’s a fan favourite everything she does is brilliant and has no bad consequences.

She murders villains in a room full of important characters purely to conclude a plot with no further consequences. Oh and of course she kills the Night King out of nowhere despite having no connection to the whole White Walker/Long Night storyline.

The way the Long Night was concluded was a total copout. It should have been the finale and the actual resolution of the whole story. Alas they weren’t the real bad guys after all and they were defeated by the most ridiculous ex-machina.

The show writers love to “subvert expectations” and the cheap, lazy way to do that is to descend into nonsense.

Needless to say they’ve cut so many things from the books that will ensure the books play out very differently. It’s not clear how much GRRM told Benioff and Weiss about how the books will end but I’m betting that it will be so much more interesting and rewarding.

I’m hopeful that the 6th book will get published maybe in a year or two but I’m not going to stake my life on it. The 7th and final book may very well never reach the shelves.

GRRM’s writing has always seeked to highlight the terrible consequences of war and the folly of revenge and how self-destructive it is to turn to violence. The big difference in the show is how the violence is often glorified. The spectacle is the big draw and the show fans love the big battles.

Of course we all love the drama and the high stakes, but in the show the hindsight always reveals the stakes weren’t that high because the consequences are of no value.

I recently watched a YT reactor watch the whole series and all the real emotions are genuinely earned. It’s funny how during the final 2 series there was just… “wtf that makes no sense”

Truly by the end the emotional payoffs are not earned. The series descends to a series of stupid plot points, unconnected in any way that makes logical sense.

And let’s not forget we have a character who can time travel who can see any event in history but seems to do nothing about it and is then crowned King for no reason despite consistently saying he couldn’t be a ruler.

In fact all the time travel scenes are only to reveal the biggest mystery of the series, the real identity of Jon Snow, which has no meaning in the end.

That’s what really annoys me. You build something up in order for it to pay off in a meaningful way. It has to mean something doesn’t it? Has to be important. Has to be relevant to determining the outcome of an important event.

Like so much in the show it’s there to create the sense of importance but is just abandoned basically.

I put this down to the fact that Benioff and Weiss were given the keys to part of the Star Wars franchise and they completely checked out, stopped caring about the show (if they ever really did) and insulted the intelligence of every show watcher.

It heartens me to know that their Stars Wars project has been shelved and I think people are more aware of how crap they are.

I won’t say too much about the new prequel series which is midway through airing but I’m enjoying it. Some of it falls into the same trap as there are many time jumps that feel disconnected but on the whole the new showrunners obviously care a lot more about it.

To sum up the show squandered so much potential. The books have so much going on and I’m confident that every chapter will be immensely satisfying.

My own writing aspirations have been heavily influenced to create a full, immersive world where every action has meaningful consequences whereby the true drama of human life is explored and and ultimately I want to create something that is truly meaningful.

I’d love to write something that is a metaphor for me my autistic struggles. Something that is unabashedly honest but can be a form of inspiration.

I’ve had to find that inspiration from within myself and I haven’t found it yet but I should make this my next objective.

This would be me finally escaping my own head and start to externalise again in a way that makes me feel good about myself.

I’ve started to reorganize and tidy my environment to help tidy my mind one step at a time. Time to pursue the meaning of my life and stop letting things hold me back.

Thanks for reading and kindest regards.

Jamie

MBTI INFJ

Well I’ve rather gotten myself hooked on this. Been thinking about constantly. And this classification actually gives a good explanation as to why.

It’s a fascinating system to model how the brain works and what it does best. With that being said I’m not of a fan of those who wield it for mechanically explaining everyone’s type. Typing is what they call it.

But it popped up one day thanks to the YT algorithm and I gave it a look. Straight away I was introduced to the INFJ. Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging. It sounded like me from the get go and every vid I watched described me perfectly.

To understand what it means you have to dig deep into the definitions and the hierarchy it represents.

Cognitive functions and their place in the hierarchy. That has been really engaging and has really fired up my brain.

The first slot is where your ego begins in the conscious mind. They call it the hero and it’s the goto function of choice. The big man.

Next is the auxiliary support function. Often called the parent function, this gives your hero back up like a sidekick. It is also completely different to the hero function.

Next is the tertiary child function which is the innocent vulnerable part of you. It exists as another tool in your belt when you need to rest and play.

Next is the most interesting. The weak inferior function. It exists to give you a weakness to improve and actually gives you drive and motivation. What is also does is complete the set and if used well can get you your wildest dreams. It’s potentially a superhero function but it can be also be your fears and insecurities. If not used well it will be the biggest bane of your mind. Well maybe not quite the worst.

For this represents your conscious ego, there is the shadow side which I think represents your unconscious personality. The complete opposite of your conscious.

This has the same order but all the functions face the opposite direction. The theory is that all the darkness and pain that you avoid is pushed into the lazy unconscious mind and thus poisons the unconscious. It may be that we have this in order to defend ourselves against the forces of stress.

The hero becomes the villain, the support becomes the critical punisher. The child becomes the mischievous prankster. The motivator becomes the poisonous saboteur. Most terrible of all known as the demon function.

So here’s what I look like under this system;

Hero – introverted intuition

Supporter – extroverted feeling

Playful child – introverted thinking

Dreamer – extroverted sensing

Villain – extroverted intuition

Punisher – introverted feeling

Manipulator – extroverted thinking

Demon – introverted sensing.

Ni Fe Ti Se – Ne Fi Te Si. These are my two personalities. It’s important to make clear that this about how I deal with the world in terms of cognitive functions. It says nothing about the content of my character.

But to make a start with my Ni Hero, this is really when I’m at my best. How I interpret this (ironically through my Ni) is that I perceive the world through what I intrinsically know already. It can mean that I maintain fixed assumptions and rarely question them.

So I didn’t actually take the MBTI test, I have essentially typed myself based on the fact that it was telling me what I already knew deep down.

But it gives me a ready made framework to hang these ideas on and hopefully a complete understanding of who I really am.

The issues I’ve had to face this last year and a half, they did break me well and truly. I see a bigger picture of why I’ve tried to become someone else. Because all of my strongest cognitive functions broke and I was left with only malicious demons guiding me.

I needed to reverse the directions to undo the damage. I’ve been cautiously exploring the demons in a more healthy, beneficial manner and that has helped. Because these demons can be angels if used willingly and for the good.

Writing this blog helps me because I use Ne to externalise the internal. It’s good to get that expressive creativity. To bring new ideas to the table.

To give my overworked and over tired hero a break.

It’s not good for me, or anyone for that matter, to spend too much time internalizing. You need an outlet. Spending time with family helps to bring in new sensory information and it really changes my perspective.

So what is what the conscious ego actually for? Do I work to rebuild my ego functions or to cleanse my shadow functions? I feel like I’m becoming a different person in some areas but it’s tiring using your shadow functions and I’m just permanently tired these days.

Some life advice I’ve received is that I really need to sort out my Si Demon because this is what seems to undermine me at every time. This is the part of me that wants to fail and I am still failing at the end of the day.

Depending on the definition of introverted sensing, this is probably related to self care. Looking after myself and getting physically healthy. The good news is that I don’t need to go overboard, dont need to become Charles Atlas.

Just a little here and there to show the demon I’m not afraid and that will boost my Se Dreamer.

I’ve got so much to say about all this and I will continue in my quest to refine the model to regain my ego.

I plan to make my next blog a vlog. Tried about a year ago but got frustrated with the video editor and gave up. I felt very alien and uncomfortable watching myself talk.

Planned to do it last Monday during the day off not grieving the loss of the royal parasite. Felt like shit the whole weekend. Didn’t go out for a drink or anything. Didn’t do anything worthwhile. Lots of plans that didn’t work out.

Talk will be more about this stuff but I want to connect it to my autism as well because I have lots of hypotheses about how it affects my cognitive functions. I still need to be alone to film myself and it may take a while to put it together. This is a promise I will keep. Hopefully.

Thanks as always for reading xx

Restless

Been a while since my last proper blog. Plenty going on in the meantime. So much so that I had for a while taken my mind off the usual issues. Had some more stuff to take my mind off things.

Hard house night last Friday was funnish. Got off my face and danced a lot. It’s true though, hard house isn’t quite my thing these days and I was praying for some more techno stuff.

The best part of the evening was the 2hr walk home at 5 in the morning. Nice and quiet and peaceful. I let the remaining hyper energy slowly dissipate as the sun rose.

All day hangover Saturday, family party on Sunday which was a nice time though I kept myself in the quiet area.

Cinema Monday to see a secret horror film which was recently good. MOT Tuesday and then tiredness through the rest of the week.

Getting back into things I used to for fun. Started watching HotD which rekindled my love of the game of thrones books.

Pushed away the darkness for a while and felt like I was doing stuff for myself again. Relearning to actually do things I enjoyed.

Somewhat distant from all that there’s been some reflection on how I’ve changed since everything that happened.

My lifelong shyness has become more focused now. I think now that I find it harder than ever to be myself around other people.

Or actually instead of that, I’m much more myself but life has become so much harder. Trying to be more social but I’m just less connected to people and more of a lone wolf doing whatever I do.

Trying to be my unashamed and true self really meant that I’m just completely closed around new people and I’m not charismatic enough to actually attract anyone inside the walls.

The more time I spend alone the more I realise how deeply I just want the right people in my life. I get so bored and restless on my own because it’s just not much fun to be in my head.

I spent so much of my life masking and repressing myself exactly because it was better than the alternative. Better to have fake friends than no friends at all.

It’s been an important step to find my old self again but I don’t feel I can get any sort of life back until I reinvent myself. I’m still looking to do that but I don’t really believe that I will manage it.

Who I am deep down is the real me and I’m not going to change without outside help. From someone or something else that forces me to change. And even then I’ll stubbornly resist.

Emotional time at work this week. Part of my job is calculating death payments for life insurance. I’m pretty detached from the thought of death and generally most claims are from natural causes.

This week however I had my first claim for a murder victim. And the circumstances were pretty shocking. And so this person wasn’t a faceless name and a policy number but a known person.

Hadn’t had time off for a while and probably won’t get any soon. Still waiting for authorisation for my birthday week as we are losing another 3 members of the team.

The lad I’m training at work has got an accreditation, so maybe my training has been quite effective.

I feel a little isolated at work sometimes. I sit alongside some colleagues but don’t quite feel like I belong in the circle. I feel sad when I feel I’m not being fully included. Times like these I wish to shut myself off to take control and preempt being alone.

Haven’t felt very creative recently. Probably just too tired.

What’s my plan for tonight? Drinking but probably not too much. The weekend? Fuck knows.

Spent time with my younger brother recently, we might it a regular thing, walking up the Wrekin. Impressed that we did it in half an hour with it needing a rest.

It was great to talk honestly about what I really needed to talk about but had kept quiet about. My bro is a great listener. I’ll let him talk more next time.

So it’s doing me good to aim for, and do stuff. To choose to do something and do it. Just do it however I can and not let any anxiety stop me.

I’ve not magically become fearless or anything but I’m not beating myself up about anything.

I don’t know if I can ever achieve what I really want in life and am still plagued by many doubts and fears but I’m feeling more like I’m in control of myself and more patient with myself.

Events have left me in the nasty position of needing people around me while I’ve stopped trusting people in general. But I keep on. Keep going.

Continuing to work on myself and to keep connected to people as much as I can.

It’s time to kick start the process of loving myself by actually looking after myself and reparenting myself. Doing stuff that’s good for me. Looking after my physical and mental health.

Muster up the energy to properly tidy myself up. That’s something they teach in CBT. I struggle to do things because I don’t have a tidy personal space. I feel oppressed by the mess I’ve made of myself.

It’s no good dreaming of doing stuff when I’m trapped by my own personal clutter.

Does the messy mind cause a messy room or vice versa? The environment I create to keep people out is unfriendly to myself as well. I keep people out more when I don’t feel good about myself. So why do I do things that make me feel bad about myself? To keep people away.

A vicious circle if ever there was one. Also it gives a rare sense of control to actively sabotage yourself. The funny thing is that I kind of enjoyed not being in control because life felt more interesting that way. Not good though when things go badly.

Life will be a long, perpetual quest to find things to do that I actually like doing. And to perfect the art of keeping myself safe while I throw myself into whatever comes along.

It really sucks to be me sometimes, but I do it as well as I can and I don’t think anyone else could ever be me and keep their soul like I do.

Thanks as always for reading.

PS I’m not shedding any tears for the royal parasite. The only reason I’m not celebrating is because the new king is far worse. I’ll dance a jig when they’re all removed from this Earth.