Honestly about negativity

Did begin writing a blog post a couple of nights ago. In the end I was too drunk to post it but it was a pretty self-pitying and angry piece and I’m glad I didn’t post it.

I’m a big believer in everything happens for a reason and by that I mean everything has a direct cause or causes.

I get joy from play like anyone else. But through the darker times of full blown depression, it’s easy to lose the ability to feel happiness. Playing with others who liked the same things I like was truly what lifts me up.

The world can be a dark place when you are on your own.

I do struggle to live in the real world sometimes. I pushed myself towards life when I had what was, ultimately, when my psychological needs were being met.

When they aren’t, that’s when I ultimately take the escapism route towards fantasy.

I ask myself if that’s what life is for most people. That everything people do for fun is to escape the meaninglessness of existence by distracting themselves with some flight of fantasy.

Of course I can’t ever truly escape myself.

I recently started watching some videos of famous Zen Buddhism guru Alan Watts. Literally a couple of hours later his name came up when I was reading about occultism and it’s relationship to early transhumanist movements.

The core concept that shines through is the unpalatable idea that humans are bad, weak creatures who should be “improved” in some way or “uplifted”.

I’ve felt for a long time that mental health issues require help, not to be defined or redefined, characterised, categorised or labelled.

It feels like the stigma is attached and we are exploited to suit an agenda of those believe they provide a “solution” to any human ills.

I’ve no doubt that I’ve been heavily influenced by the same ideology as I’ve lacked healthy relationships with other people.

It’s the biggest source of conflict now that the escapism of fantasy contradicts my deepest held values but I find it hard to hold onto my humanity.

Essentialism, if I’m using the term correctly, I think it means to treat something or someone as if they are defined only in terms of an “essential” characteristic.

To give an example, how a negative person can be seen as only ever to be negative without the possibility of change. Without the possibility of being anything else.

Only those who give themselves totally to positivity are to supported and anyone who doesn’t is the enemy of positivity.

I sense in this case, what has been termed “toxic positivity”, and this is what some are faced with when what we need is support and acceptance.

I’ll know if I ever truly beat the depression that I will genuinely love my fellows humans while acknowledging that I may not like some people, that it will always be better to give help and support rather than bitter recrimination.

But I’ve got so much healing to do yet. I don’t want to be scared anymore and I don’t to be angry either. Feeling angry made me a little less scared and it was justifiable anger and I could not have reacted any other way.

But at the same time I understand how scary it can be for others and the truth is I get scared when other people are angry.

I can do as much i can to be more positive, but really I see so much wrong with the world today. I felt truly abandoned and betrayed when the caring, loving, society told me that it couldn’t help me. And it’s actions told me that they were not even on my side.

Because society is itself suffering a mental health crisis and I believe hatred of humanity and selfish escapism fantasy have always underpinned the culture pumped out daily.

Everyone sees the cruel exploitation under the cover but no-one is prepared to fundamentally challenge the established order.

In order for me to finally begin to be myself and take charge of my own life I’ve needed to separate from a society that I had become too attached to. And it remains a painful experience.

The more time I spend isolating myself, the lonelier I get, and the greater my need is for escapism.

I think I will end up needing to move on and leave my old life behind to fully heal and become mentally healthy. But I still want my old life back, next time hopefully it will be a better version of my old life.

There is a lot I have to be grateful for. I’m more financially secure than ever before and still have so much freedom.

Life is all work and no play. The hardest part is still to come, to take those real steps to actually stand up and take ownership of my life.

I’m actually doing really well as I’ve had a week off work to rest and recuperate, though I’ve procrastinated on making that first step towards moving on.

Times like these I reflect on how much progress I’ve made. I’m truly proud of how I hold on to my humanity despite the nagging negativity.

I’m probably right now the calmest and most confident and open that I’ve ever been. It stills hurts that no-one ever reaches out and asks me out, that no-one actually chooses to interact with me except only to worry.

I’m learning that I never again want to prostrate myself and beg for attention and affection off anyone because it is absolutely soul-crushing to do so.

My time is so precious to me that I’m not interested in proving anything to anyone and I’m not interested in anyone who has surrendered to a protective bubble of intolerance.

A little more off my chest. Thanks for reading as ever. Kindest Regards.

Self-empowerment – The Great Work

Sharing my new track

Quickly sharing my track, really enjoying listening to it.

Something strange yesterday. Had a rare feeling of contentment, pride and a sense of self-assuredness.

The ongoing project is to feel totally at ease with being myself, whatever that may be.

I feel a growing sense of being fundamentally proud of myself. Despite the fact that I will still be uncomfortable in some situations, I feel more secure and more fiercely myself.

As someone who sees the world as very black and white, I always imagined that learning to love myself would mean I had embraced an inner narcissism.

But the truth is I would be much better off that way than to continue living the opposite. A life devoid of self-esteem and self-worth.

My desire is to be both, all and anywhere in between. Because that would be so much more interesting than the maddening control of trying to hold on to who I am.

As for the innate desire to be social again and have a colourful life of friends and social activity, will being more secure make me more comfortable and ease the nasty social anxiety?

It may very well do so but more likely is that I will do better on my own.

Is the key to defeating loneliness having friends or being your own friend, the only friend you need?

My biggest autistic trigger has been when I felt excluded from social groups. All of it combined; rejection, abandonment, humiliation, not belonging among the liked and respected.

All the best memories I have are when I felt part of a social group. When I had a group of friends where I felt I belonged.

I ask myself now, how can I give myself the same feeling so I don’t feel so fearful of being excluded?

By pursuing everything that makes life worth living on my own terms.

I still hold on to the dream of producing something that brings me not just validation but respect and that is valued and desired by others.

That way I will feel that I am valued in the world, not just because of abstract caring but because I earned it.

But yet the only person I need such validation from is myself. I can maintain the high standards I expect from myself only as long as I interest myself.

At this time I am benefiting from having space to grow and expand my sense of self to a bigger feeling of self-empowerment. I still miss my friends deeply but the journey I take now is one which hopefully make me such a better version of myself.

I feel more comfortable admitting now that overcoming every hurdle I put in front of myself is what truly interests me now.

I say this because I’ve been to the very bottom and this is what I have to do to make a life worth living.

I surrendered so much of myself to be a social animal that I felt robbed when I was pushed away. It was the most painful experience ever because I needed to feel cared about, but at the same time I was building my own prison around both myself and those whose affection I needed.

My time spent with autistic friends taught me that we need to be free to be ourselves. We need a lot in life to feel safe, comfortable and happy.

As human beings we all need certain things, as for us neurodivergents, some small amount of normalcy applies. But ultimately we respond differently to life.

I understand that I am deeply affected by addictive needs and as long as they give my life a purpose, I will happily march to their beat. And I shouldn’t be ashamed or let anyone else tell me what is good or bad for me.

It’s taken me a year of hell to reach this point and I’ve needed this hell to finally understand what it actually means for me to be autistic.

We can often feel strangled by the neurotypical world. It’s up to us to make a world for ourselves and for that we need to understand ourselves and be empowered to be ourselves.

I’ve spent a great deal of time wrestling with the conundrum that I don’t feel any connection to anyone of any neurotype. Well now I’m feeling making the most difficult connection I know.

The scariest and most alien, but the most rewarding connection.

To emphasise I’ll use the biggest and boldest letters. MYSELF.

The monumental task of keeping myself interested doesn’t seem quite so scary anymore. Because I know what makes me feel free to be myself.

The Great Work doesn’t feel so onorous anymore. In fact it is simply the function of self-satisfaction writ large.

Thank you for reading. I feel so much stronger now. Never surrender.

Kindest Regards to you whoever you are and whatever battle you face in private x

Feelings Talk part 3

Just going to add a little bit more here but I’m reminded now that everytime I write on here, it clarifies the feelings I have. All I want, regardless of how it happens, is just to be happy again.

Just to stop feeling the way I do now.

There are so many memories that evoke feelings of sadness. Some of these frequently feel such a strong impulse that they are associated with deep fear. They are to be avoided at all cost.

I’m long overdue for a good cry. Last time I had a good cry I posted on facebook how it was a victory.

This is often the way I am but when I stop feeling angry and bitter, the feeling is just replaced by pure sadness, longing for what’s missing.

It’s the most firmly held belief I have, that has been the iron-clad centre of my being for all 39 and half years of my life, that I need to feel loved by someone else to be truly happy. All the advice I’ve had received seems to suggest that I simply choose to be happy.

The thing about true beliefs are that you can’t just simply choose what to believe in. The real appeal of fantasy seems to be that you can choose to believe anything you want, the rules of reality no longer seem to matter.

I’d very much like to take a break from reality and reengage with fantasy again. I’ve been reading the old Fighting Fantasy gamebooks that I was obsessed with as a kid and I have a desire now to create my own. It’s an interesting avenue for me to properly launch my long-held creative writing ambitions.

Thank you so much again for reading.

If you defeat the evil wizard, turn to 400.

Feelings talk part 2

It was the connection that I needed more than anything. Because without I simply stop caring.

There was a reason I simply couldn’t stay friends. I distinctly felt that we could no longer give each other anything but anxiety and fear.

I’m not ashamed about how I became consumed with negativity throughout the 2 years of covid measures and I’m proud of how hard I fought to stay connected.

But I always knew deep down that I had a become a source of fear for her.

And that I was desperately dragging her down into my own personal hell. It’s true what they say about misery loving company.

I want to be a force for good in anyone’s life. But in her case I wanted to be so much more than that.

The world is such a relentlessly horrible place to focus on. I want now to escape it for a while so I can be free from anxiety and pain.

My favourite Twitter account recently posted something which I’ll share at some point. We all need friends, I don’t care what anyone says.

It would help me now to have friends and maybe without the hyperfocus I usually bring. I don’t blame my old friends for being distant while I’ve been craving attention.

I can maybe be more casual if I’m feeling good about myself and can be grateful for the company.

But I’m looking for someone who will break through the walls I build around myself and make me feel connected again.

I think I was always looking for something truly worth fighting for. The most unlikely love story that only only a maniac like myself would ever pursue. And I can honestly say I simply wasn’t interested in anything else.

Ultimately the story would only ever have a happy ending in the realms of fantasy.

There’s maybe a lesson there about turning fantasy into reality. It’s lost on me, I’m afraid.

I guess this weeks unsolvable conflict is that I need to be inspired before I can inspire anyone else but no-one can inspire me until I inspire them.

All I can do is try to inspire myself by pushing against the anxiety and slowly changing myself into someone bolder and braver.

My final point here is how I really need to stop viewing the world through such an unforgiving moral lens.

I’m never going to be happy until I can be at peace with those who I still associate with so much hurt.

It’s the people around me who define so much of my world. I just hope that people can me joy again.

Thank you for reading. I hope it’s of benefit.

Kindest Regards

Jamie

Feelings talk

It’s been a wild emotional journey this last couple of weeks. Quite a lot I should talk about. Will try to get as much down as I can tonight.

Having some more time off work I managed to attend the local autism hub drop in. I knew there was a possibility that my old friends would be there and I was dreading it.

Sure enough they were there. As I prepared myself for it, I inevitably hid myself away in a corner.

I didn’t really want to be there but I stayed for a short while. Ending up leaving early enough so I didn’t have to confront them.

Having finally at least put myself in the position of possible confrontation I did reach an understanding. That i was still a long way off where I want to be.

But more importantly having chosen to leave and be by myself, that i was able to see things slightly differently and be more patient with myself.

I realised something I’ve been avoiding thinking about. I know what it is about my autism that really hurts me is the lack of meaningful connection to people.

A lot has been written about Theory of Mind and how it can be a deficiency for those of us who struggle with it.

From those neurotypicals who only see the lack of empathy from our side. What people truly don’t see is how fundamentally isolating it is.

To be in a room full of friendly people but feel totally alone in your own plane of existence.

To feel like there’s no point being there and that I might as well not exist in any significant way.

That no matter how much people care and want to understand, they will never experience anything of the internal world as I feel it.

For a few days I’ve been generally building myself for walking away from everyone and actually being alone. In the vague hope that I will learn how to make myself happy and dedicate the rest of my life to my own happiness.

I dreamed of her again before waking up yesterday. In the dream I was trying to get her to talk to me and she didn’t. But then I didn’t need her to.

I saw her dancing without any fear or anxiety and for that moment I loved her more than ever. I just felt pure love for she was and the for the first time in a long while I didn’t want or need anything from her.

I was so grateful that she was happy and free.

And I felt happy and free too.

The truth is that no matter what anyone says I always feel better when people around me are happy and enjoying themselves.

I’m getting tired of people who don’t understand what it’s like telling me that I shouldn’t care what anyone else thinks about me. That is who I am.

I’ve only met one person in my life who really understood and showed me such acceptance and made me feel connected to someone.

She inspired me to dream of a happy life and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.

I still do and think I always will.

To be continued

Overcoming Insecurity

Getting out the house for this Good Friday. Finally booked plenty of time off work.

It’s been a good few days I guess. In particular there’s been a couple of dreams that helped me process how I am.

The first of which was a way of confronting my biggest insecurity. It helped me to accept on some level why I acted the way I did.

The second was just raw processing dialogue. The exact nature of it faded with awakening but I was left with memory of asking myself what do I actually want?

Every question was answered with a resounding no. I don’t want A. I don’t want B. I don’t want C…

So many things my body and mind were telling that I wanted. That I had to aim for and hope for to make me happy.

And yet there was so much that I just didn’t want to do because there was so much discomfort and stress.

It was all worth it. Until it wasn’t.

What I’ve always was to experience love and to love the people and world around me. Being autistic means that I rarely have the luxury of choosing how to react and choosing to be positive.

They say that you can’t control the external in this world, you can only choose how you act. You can’t control how you feel but you can control how you act.

Being autistic has meant that actually I have little control over how I react. The brain is hardwired to act upon such extreme emotions.

The key for me I think will be when I stop obeying the rigid logic of my predictable reactions and when I can begin to finally open myself to a new way of looking at things.

I haven’t truly liked myself for a long time. Always needed someone else to like me. Always needed to be loved before I could love.

I no longer want to stubbornly cling on to this sense of self identity as it always bring me to the same loneliness. Now I just want to fundamentally erase the same old anxieties and insecurities.

It would essentially mean being able to choose to act differently and I would be free to love again.

I remain cynical of the cliched truisms of self help and toxic positivity. Is gratitude something that I can possibly feel when things become awful.

Only if I assume that life is crap by default and that any joy is a bonus.

I don’t really like who I have become as I coped with the most painful loss of my life in the only way I knew how. By shutting down my humanity and becoming the worst version of myself.

I wish to become the best, or at least better version of myself. Except I could only be that person when I had somebody who actually showed me that they would choose to spend their time with me.

The real reason i am the way i am is because there’s a life out there that I desperately want but I can’t find the balance of being happy and comfortable without becoming dependent and insecure.

I realised that I was so totally in love because we were both kids at heart who just wanted to play games and watch films and have fun without the pressures of adulthood and relationships.

And yet I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her and just couldn’t deal with how things changed.

There were and still are demons inside me that turned me into a distant and hateful figure.

At times like these when I feel such strong insecurity, the only way I’m ever going to overcome them is to be brutally honest and open about them. So that way I can finally learn that I ought not to fear myself.

I bitterly regret that I let my deepest fears and insecurities rule me and hence ruin the first real love I’ve ever felt.

I may very well follow this up tonight or over the Easter weekend. Thanks for reading and the kindest regards as ever.

Jamie

To be driven again

Busy, busy, busy. Keeping my mind tuned towards always working on some project. Haven’t switched off and rested for a while.

Gotta book some time off work soon. I’m in the very strange position of preferring to be at work rather than having time off.

Pretty tiring all in all. Haven’t taken time out to reflect on things. I know that really I’m just bored with life and am seeking out some thing to get my teeth into.

Making music while raw learning about sound design. Playing computer games rarely. I’m back into my old love of Fighting Fantasy gamebooks.

I’m treating everything as a puzzle that wants to be solved and I’ve always milked every ounce of joy I can where I can.

Until i get bored or more likely burned out.

This year I feel will be a long period of transition. Don’t really know where my life will take me or whether I will take control of where my life goes.

I only can and will focus on one thing at a time and these days… well it’s all about keeping the boredom at bay.

I’ve got an opportunity to catch up with some old friends but I’m still very apprehensive about putting myself back into a social environment.

It also means being in the same group as an ex which ended badly and I’m still very awkward and nervous about confronting it even after 15 years.

One thing I have to thank my autism for is that I never forget the strong emotions of the past. I don’t change over time. People I’ve met in the past will see me as if no time has past.

I’ve got so little out of life that I wanted to get so I’m never just able to move on with the times. I’ve always done what I believe will get me the most happiness but it just hasn’t happened yet and I’m still chasing things the same way as if time stays still.

The truth is I simply don’t know how to adjust to the changing of the times and I feel more comfortable now being by myself.

I’ve been attempting to create a world for myself so I don’t need anyone else in it. Trying to fill the gulf that was my old social life.

The only thing that matters to me now is being really good at whatever I do. I dream of being respected and admired for my work. Or failing that, just to produce something that I admire myself.

It feels good to be driven again. I’m proud of so much I’ve had to do and done to get where I am now.

I don’t know if I’ll ever attain what I need to feel totally secure and confident in myself. I don’t really plan on ever settling as there will always be something to work on.

This is the path I will always walk. Nothing will ever be quite the way I want it and I’ll always be driven to maximise the good and exorcise the bad.

Choosing the hardest path in life has always been my way of living a life to be proud of. Choosing the easy path of avoidance has always been a source of so much fear and anxiety.

Do I feel like I need to suffer to justify my existence? I think I need both the joy and the pain.

I know which I would prefer but it doesn’t matter at the end. As long as I can look myself in the mirror and say that I did my best and gave myself a reason to never give up.

I feel the urge to be myself yet I dream of burning like the brightest star. I will burn as bright as possibly can while I learn more and more of how to burn brighter than I ever have before.

If I can’t be the dazzling supernova then I don’t feel worthy of making the effort. This is why I’m so obsessed now with overcoming the limits I keep imposing on myself.

It felt so good to write this one for a change. Thank you as always for reading.

Jamie

If anyone asks what radicalised me

Been a crap few days recently. Not least due to a nasty bout of diarrhoea this weekend. Timely reminder that I should be a little more careful about what I eat.

Good news¬† from work is that I’ve gained accreditation for checking which means I can now authorise payment values of up to ¬£100k.

However I’m still having issues with a couple of things so it may take another week or so to get fully integrated to the role.

While I’m here I may as well give my thoughts on the current state of the world. I don’t normally feel comfortable talking about politics.

I try not to put too much argument around stuff I don’t know about in great detail. And of course there is no perfect politics. The world is a messy, ugly place.

I have observed society at large from a distance. I’ve never been more convinced than I am now that society is really heading further and further into a very dark place.

The first observation to remark is how after 2 years of fearmongering over covid, it has very quickly and quietly been reversed as if it never fucking happened.

People like me who argued against covid measures have been smeared as far right racists and white supremacists.

And yet they express their shock and horror that the Beast from the East dares to invade Fortress Europe.

Look closely at the media hysteria and observe how they lambast an invasion of a “civilised” part of the world.

And remember how often our own forces set boots on someone else’s country in the name of bringing “peace and stability”.

As an autistic person I’m used to seeing the world differently. The world now feels distinctly loathsome and I feel less and less desire to be part of it.

Really is time to make some drastic changes. But it’s going to be one step at a time.

Time to get away from social media for good. Time to get away from everyone who mindlessly regurgitates moral panic at every turn.

A lifetime of masking has always meant that I’m an unconscious mirror of society. At this time of constant terror propaganda I need to break free.

If anyone asks in the future what radicalized me? Well I’d say that I’m so much more sensitive to the mores and manners of society at large.

And I reject it all right now.

I’m doing it all on my own and it’s going to be difficult but I’d rather do it this way than compromise all that I value for scoring good guy points or playing for “The right team.”

Going to reorganize the blog at some point so I can share stuff here instead of Facebook. I think I feel the pull of pencil art once more will hopefully get back into more creative stuff.

Difficult to write this one but I’m feeling more inspired now to do something personally fulfilling and maybe give something back.

Thank you for reading those who do are very much appreciated.

Jamie x

Progressing at work

I promised I would blog about my job. My job title is Manual Calculations Representative. As far as i remember pretty much everyone’s eyes glaze over when I tell them.

It doesn’t sound particularly glamorous but it is the best job I’ve ever had by a country mile. I’ve not had the greatest job history, spent long periods out of work.

Hadn’t the confidence or drive to find a decent job. Most jobs I had were dull physical labour.

Had a high turnover of staff recently so I’m taking on more work. In training to cover more of the book of business I work on.

I’m about to receive my checking accreditation which allow me to authorise payment values. Working towards earning more responsibilities and becoming an SME.

I’m proud of the work I do there and the company I work for have been very supportive as I’ve gone through my tough times.

I’ve struggled a little to balance the demands at work but I’m becoming more confident at my job.

Starting to feel optimistic about the future whatever happens. I think taking time to myself and not worrying about other people has made a lot calmer and secure.

When I’m fully trained at work and when this miserable winter finally ends and the weather gets better, I’ll be in a much better place to begin living the life I want to live.

I’m thinking of attending a local writers group meeting this Saturday. It’s free the first time. I may try to write something to take with me in case that’s a thing they do.

Still working on making my own techno tracks. Will post a couple of tracks on here soon. My first efforts were filled with melancholy but that’s the music I like most. Really emotive.

My latest track I’m working on is more hard techno and notably less melancholy. I’ve not quite got a sound I really like yet so it may take some time.

I’m feeling surprisingly upbeat and it’s been a while since I went for a relaxing pint. Local pub is nice and quiet tonight.

Been having regular appointments at my local autism hub just to talk through stuff. I think I know where I’m going now and I don’t really need anyone to talk to anymore.

Though I do still generally have a lot to say about things which I’ll keep doing here.

As ever, kindest regards and thank you for reading.

Delving

Blogging about something today. Stuff to get off my chest. What do I feel like delving into?

I’m in the process of processing the on going trauma of the last year.

I wanted companionship. I wanted more than companionship, a family where I belonged with people like me.

The deepest friendship I’ve ever had that I never wanted to end. Because nothing else gave my life any meaning. Nothing else gave me a reason to get out of bed every day.

I never could deal with loss very well. I still hold on to the past. I still don’t really see a future where I’m happy.

I’m still wishing I wasn’t so autistic. That I could just move on and will myself into being positive. It’s just in my nature to be at peace.

I have so much anger buried away that I can’t get out. I won’t let myself.

The path in taking now is finally to respect myself enough to walk away and finally let go. I understand that I needed to do what’s best for me as my friends did for themselves and protect myself.

I don’t think I want people in my life anymore. At least not until I’ve dealt with all the trauma that I’m saddled with.

I wanted to rise above and be able to do the right thing and be the person people needed me to be.

I don’t know any other way to be but to reciprocate how others treat me. In that effect I think I was a mirror to others. To understand that your actions have an effect on those around you.

In this age of germ panic I wanted people to understand how devastating it is to be treated as a vector of sickness and disease. In my case it touched on my deepest and strongest insecurities.

We used to talk about how many relationships had ended during the mandated covid terror. It forced us all to confront some fundamental conflicts.

I regret not standing up for myself. I needed my friends support so much but I suspected all along that our friendship would end.

I blamed them for shutting the door on me when I needed them the most. In actual fact it was me who shut the door for all intents and purposes.

I can’t be that person who stays positive and can forgive. I don’t think I want friends anymore. It’s time for me to be the friend I always needed.

I always did wear a mask around people. The mask of friendliness. The thing I really need people to understand about me is that I’m highly vulnerable to feeling other people’s emotions and I’m not in control of myself and how i feel when I’m around others.

I know now that I can’t deal with fears. Not just my own but particularly other people’s. I block it out and can’t accept it or face it.

This is why I can’t really deal with boundary issues. Again both my own and others. I know how wonderful life can be without fear.

I love my autistic friends very deeply but at the same time I hate them for succumbing to their fears and accepting their fate.

As I learn to be more accepting of my autism I find myself walking the same path they did and I’m now protecting myself by shutting myself away.

We were so scared of hurting each other that we couldn’t overcome the conflict that came between us and couldn’t be friends anymore.

They had other friends to tell them they were fine as they were and shouldn’t ever compromise themselves.

I had no friends to tell me I was in the right because I was the one who was visibly suffering and that if I wanted to be happy I should be more selfless and more considerate of others.

I’ve seen the discourse around autistic mental health and I don’t find it empowering or inspiring. I’m not inspired by anyone’s positivity but I am inspired by those who fearlessly call out inane bullshit wherever they see it.

I know deep down the person I want to be is not afraid to call a spade a “f**king c**t” and doesn’t give a solitary shit.

I hope those reading can understand why.

Thanks again and kind regards x