The Destruction of Reason

Been working on getting back in touch with my moral compass and developing the framework of how to approach moral life.

Currently reading this meaty tome. An exposition of the background and causes of the rise of fascism in 20th century Germany. The central role of what is referred to as irrationalism and how reason, reality and history are erased in favour of romanticism and fantasy of myth and mystery.

Everything happens for a reason and those reasons are cause and effect. It’s becoming common today to see people demanding the world accept their irrational and ideological calls for change while simultaneously not giving a shit about how other people are affected.

It is common knowledge that the devastating economic effects of WWI led to the rise of Hitler. It less well spoken of that Germany was late to develop economically and had not been through the same cultural revolutions that prepared the way for democratisation.

Germany was also late to develop a national identity and it’s culture was still heavily influenced by irrational superstitions, believing that moral authority was the product of otherworldly supermen.

A loose collection of diverse small statelets whose commonality was found in being left out and bypassed from the economic expansions of the time. They came together looking for identity and above all, looking for an ancestry, a history.

Dependence on their “betters” was the overwhelming philosophy of the era thanks largely to the ruling classes entrenching their ill-gotten wealth.

Same old story eh? Of course Russia was even less developed than Germany but they skipped the bourgeoisie revolution in favour of the proletarian revolution.

Just to be clear I don’t call myself a Marxist or communist but my political leanings have always been influenced by humanism and equality. I’ve always been in favour of that which benefits people in reality.

I’ve seen and experienced the way fear twists a persons mind away from reality. In the micro my own fears came from the fact that I became totally dependent on being valued and wanted. The fear of being rejected caused the worst feelings I have ever felt.

I’ve made sufficient progress to be able to talk about it honestly. But yes, the way I felt meant that I was becoming a possessive, bitter jealous loser. I have no doubt that if I did ask her out and started a proper exclusive relationship with her, then I would have been intolerable. I think I always knew this so I never asked her out but when I was struggling I opened up and told her how badly I’ve coped with heartbreak in the past.

How many things I said and did that ultimately gave away what I hid for so long. That I was completely infatuated with her but it was always going to end up in a messy and destructive self-loathing.

The sheer desperation I felt at my worst and hurt that came from even innocent things that made me insanely jealous, that made me feel like a terminal loser. That feeling is something I never want to experience ever again. I just can’t go through that again.

And I slowly begin to accept that the girl I fell for didn’t really exist. The girl who made me insanely  desperate for affection didn’t really exist. I know that the fantasy version of her I fell in love with was who I thought I was in a relationship with.

Its difficult to fully come to terms with how far from reason I had chosen to go in favour of an irrational desire to be irrationally in love. It was thrilling, exilerating and life-affirming. Until it wasn’t.

But the hope came from believing that in some small way the fantasy might meet reality. Everything changed when I had to face a reality where my deep irrational fantasy was quashed.

I never wanted to become dependent on her and I never wanted her to be dependent on me. I always wanted her to choose me. But I know there were times when I wanted to be the only one she looked to for company. I guess I wasn’t a very good friend to her and I don’t expect she would ever want to be friends again.

All of that is why I’m dedicating my energy to becoming fully independent so I never become that desperate again. Most of my life has been without friends and I think I at least feel independent and free to do what I want albeit lonely and sad.

Lesson learning time. I guess I never really learned how to deal with true heartbreak as I never risked it. Well I finally met someone who I liked enough to fall in love with. I learned so much from her but only when we stopped being friends did I learn how to say “never again”.

I don’t plan on chasing a romantic relationship and not sure I even want friends in my life until I’m in a place where I feel bulletproof, that no one can ever make me feel inferior. And for that I’ve had to readjust my hopes and dreams.

I don’t ever want to do stuff I don’t enjoy for the sake of spending time with someone. I don’t know if I really want to enjoy anything to the point of depending on it to be happy. I want to learn how to be able to do anything and not need to do it to be happy.

Ultimately the desire to appear normal and enjoy the social life that everyone else enjoys was a big part of why I became so dependent on her. What am I trying to do now? How can I be both happy and independent?

By forging my own path through life and living in accordance with my values above anyone else’s.

In some ways I value reason above anything else. My way of understanding the world and the people in it is to look for the cause that explains the effect.

I’ve learned that I shouldn’t take to too much stock of other people judging me. The only criticism I would entertain now would be those who can accurately link the harmful outcomes of my behaviour to a specific cause and offer a better way. It seems like this is something I’ll have to do for myself and I prefer it that way now.

In the hunt for the secret of how to provide something good for my fellow humans, what I have to offer may be just teaching the wisdom of reason and advocating independence and sharing the benefits of living life by owns own rules. And forever warning against the dehumanizing effects of fascism.

Contradictions are what drive social evolution and I’ve only evolved when forced to overcome the real contradictions of life. There are happy times when we don’t want things to change but they must and they will.

Changes are underway at work but I’ll probably write about that another time. In short a lot of my colleagues are losing their jobs and my own job status long term is uncertain but probably safe for a couple of years at least.

I’m thinking positively and if the worst happens it’s an opportunity for change and I’ll try to make the most of it.

But for now I’m just getting on with things, avoiding other things, just doing what needs to be done. Taking my time, not knee-jerking, not chasing fantasy but following my head and not giving a shit.

Thanks as always for reading xx


Game of Thrones/ASOIAF – Some spoilers included

It’s about time I started talking about something other than myself. So without further ados, yes I’m a big fan of GRRM’s work in particular.

I got into the show first after season 6 aired. Bought the first 5 series on DVD, then read all the books before series 6 came out on DVD. It’s fair to say that books (source material) is the key to it’s success.

The books are magnificent and the first few series were magnificent when they were faithful to the books.

When the source ran dry it became increasingly clear that the showrunners had given up on plotting a coherent story and just gave towards spectacle and writing for their favourite actors to look cool.

It’s been 11 years since the last book was published, the same year the show first aired. I live for the next book because I’m desperate to see how the proper story develops.

The original pilot was dogshit by all accounts. It is plain that Benioff and Weiss were charlatans who conned GRRM into believing that they knew what they were doing.

I’d recommend Dragon Demands YT channel for an expert expose on the showrunners and their shallow, narcissistic approach to writing.

They totally subverted the real message of the work and besmirched the arcs of many beloved characters.

Prime example being the case of Arya Stark. She’s a big fan favourite because of her strength of will and determination. Also a real rebellious tomboy streak who dreams of becoming a fierce warrior.

Her story in the books is of horrific trauma for a young child to face and she falls under the influence of other traumatised, violent people.

There is huge potential for her story to develop as   she has the most potential for redemption.

What did show do? Turned her into smirking killer who does everything badass. Everyone cheered when she took her revenge and there were no consequences whatsoever. No follow through. No logic at all.

The show which killed several important characters through a single infected wound had Arya survive several stab wounds to the stomach and a swim through a canal, then to perform superhuman feats of endurance and kill her more experienced trainer.

Arya’s series 6 arc has to be the most nonsensical thing I’ve ever seen. Benioff and Weiss showed their true colours by casting Ed Sheeran as present to Maisie Williams. And because she’s a fan favourite everything she does is brilliant and has no bad consequences.

She murders villains in a room full of important characters purely to conclude a plot with no further consequences. Oh and of course she kills the Night King out of nowhere despite having no connection to the whole White Walker/Long Night storyline.

The way the Long Night was concluded was a total copout. It should have been the finale and the actual resolution of the whole story. Alas they weren’t the real bad guys after all and they were defeated by the most ridiculous ex-machina.

The show writers love to “subvert expectations” and the cheap, lazy way to do that is to descend into nonsense.

Needless to say they’ve cut so many things from the books that will ensure the books play out very differently. It’s not clear how much GRRM told Benioff and Weiss about how the books will end but I’m betting that it will be so much more interesting and rewarding.

I’m hopeful that the 6th book will get published maybe in a year or two but I’m not going to stake my life on it. The 7th and final book may very well never reach the shelves.

GRRM’s writing has always seeked to highlight the terrible consequences of war and the folly of revenge and how self-destructive it is to turn to violence. The big difference in the show is how the violence is often glorified. The spectacle is the big draw and the show fans love the big battles.

Of course we all love the drama and the high stakes, but in the show the hindsight always reveals the stakes weren’t that high because the consequences are of no value.

I recently watched a YT reactor watch the whole series and all the real emotions are genuinely earned. It’s funny how during the final 2 series there was just… “wtf that makes no sense”

Truly by the end the emotional payoffs are not earned. The series descends to a series of stupid plot points, unconnected in any way that makes logical sense.

And let’s not forget we have a character who can time travel who can see any event in history but seems to do nothing about it and is then crowned King for no reason despite consistently saying he couldn’t be a ruler.

In fact all the time travel scenes are only to reveal the biggest mystery of the series, the real identity of Jon Snow, which has no meaning in the end.

That’s what really annoys me. You build something up in order for it to pay off in a meaningful way. It has to mean something doesn’t it? Has to be important. Has to be relevant to determining the outcome of an important event.

Like so much in the show it’s there to create the sense of importance but is just abandoned basically.

I put this down to the fact that Benioff and Weiss were given the keys to part of the Star Wars franchise and they completely checked out, stopped caring about the show (if they ever really did) and insulted the intelligence of every show watcher.

It heartens me to know that their Stars Wars project has been shelved and I think people are more aware of how crap they are.

I won’t say too much about the new prequel series which is midway through airing but I’m enjoying it. Some of it falls into the same trap as there are many time jumps that feel disconnected but on the whole the new showrunners obviously care a lot more about it.

To sum up the show squandered so much potential. The books have so much going on and I’m confident that every chapter will be immensely satisfying.

My own writing aspirations have been heavily influenced to create a full, immersive world where every action has meaningful consequences whereby the true drama of human life is explored and and ultimately I want to create something that is truly meaningful.

I’d love to write something that is a metaphor for me my autistic struggles. Something that is unabashedly honest but can be a form of inspiration.

I’ve had to find that inspiration from within myself and I haven’t found it yet but I should make this my next objective.

This would be me finally escaping my own head and start to externalise again in a way that makes me feel good about myself.

I’ve started to reorganize and tidy my environment to help tidy my mind one step at a time. Time to pursue the meaning of my life and stop letting things hold me back.

Thanks for reading and kindest regards.