MBTI INFJ

Well I’ve rather gotten myself hooked on this. Been thinking about constantly. And this classification actually gives a good explanation as to why.

It’s a fascinating system to model how the brain works and what it does best. With that being said I’m not of a fan of those who wield it for mechanically explaining everyone’s type. Typing is what they call it.

But it popped up one day thanks to the YT algorithm and I gave it a look. Straight away I was introduced to the INFJ. Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging. It sounded like me from the get go and every vid I watched described me perfectly.

To understand what it means you have to dig deep into the definitions and the hierarchy it represents.

Cognitive functions and their place in the hierarchy. That has been really engaging and has really fired up my brain.

The first slot is where your ego begins in the conscious mind. They call it the hero and it’s the goto function of choice. The big man.

Next is the auxiliary support function. Often called the parent function, this gives your hero back up like a sidekick. It is also completely different to the hero function.

Next is the tertiary child function which is the innocent vulnerable part of you. It exists as another tool in your belt when you need to rest and play.

Next is the most interesting. The weak inferior function. It exists to give you a weakness to improve and actually gives you drive and motivation. What is also does is complete the set and if used well can get you your wildest dreams. It’s potentially a superhero function but it can be also be your fears and insecurities. If not used well it will be the biggest bane of your mind. Well maybe not quite the worst.

For this represents your conscious ego, there is the shadow side which I think represents your unconscious personality. The complete opposite of your conscious.

This has the same order but all the functions face the opposite direction. The theory is that all the darkness and pain that you avoid is pushed into the lazy unconscious mind and thus poisons the unconscious. It may be that we have this in order to defend ourselves against the forces of stress.

The hero becomes the villain, the support becomes the critical punisher. The child becomes the mischievous prankster. The motivator becomes the poisonous saboteur. Most terrible of all known as the demon function.

So here’s what I look like under this system;

Hero – introverted intuition

Supporter – extroverted feeling

Playful child – introverted thinking

Dreamer – extroverted sensing

Villain – extroverted intuition

Punisher – introverted feeling

Manipulator – extroverted thinking

Demon – introverted sensing.

Ni Fe Ti Se – Ne Fi Te Si. These are my two personalities. It’s important to make clear that this about how I deal with the world in terms of cognitive functions. It says nothing about the content of my character.

But to make a start with my Ni Hero, this is really when I’m at my best. How I interpret this (ironically through my Ni) is that I perceive the world through what I intrinsically know already. It can mean that I maintain fixed assumptions and rarely question them.

So I didn’t actually take the MBTI test, I have essentially typed myself based on the fact that it was telling me what I already knew deep down.

But it gives me a ready made framework to hang these ideas on and hopefully a complete understanding of who I really am.

The issues I’ve had to face this last year and a half, they did break me well and truly. I see a bigger picture of why I’ve tried to become someone else. Because all of my strongest cognitive functions broke and I was left with only malicious demons guiding me.

I needed to reverse the directions to undo the damage. I’ve been cautiously exploring the demons in a more healthy, beneficial manner and that has helped. Because these demons can be angels if used willingly and for the good.

Writing this blog helps me because I use Ne to externalise the internal. It’s good to get that expressive creativity. To bring new ideas to the table.

To give my overworked and over tired hero a break.

It’s not good for me, or anyone for that matter, to spend too much time internalizing. You need an outlet. Spending time with family helps to bring in new sensory information and it really changes my perspective.

So what is what the conscious ego actually for? Do I work to rebuild my ego functions or to cleanse my shadow functions? I feel like I’m becoming a different person in some areas but it’s tiring using your shadow functions and I’m just permanently tired these days.

Some life advice I’ve received is that I really need to sort out my Si Demon because this is what seems to undermine me at every time. This is the part of me that wants to fail and I am still failing at the end of the day.

Depending on the definition of introverted sensing, this is probably related to self care. Looking after myself and getting physically healthy. The good news is that I don’t need to go overboard, dont need to become Charles Atlas.

Just a little here and there to show the demon I’m not afraid and that will boost my Se Dreamer.

I’ve got so much to say about all this and I will continue in my quest to refine the model to regain my ego.

I plan to make my next blog a vlog. Tried about a year ago but got frustrated with the video editor and gave up. I felt very alien and uncomfortable watching myself talk.

Planned to do it last Monday during the day off not grieving the loss of the royal parasite. Felt like shit the whole weekend. Didn’t go out for a drink or anything. Didn’t do anything worthwhile. Lots of plans that didn’t work out.

Talk will be more about this stuff but I want to connect it to my autism as well because I have lots of hypotheses about how it affects my cognitive functions. I still need to be alone to film myself and it may take a while to put it together. This is a promise I will keep. Hopefully.

Thanks as always for reading xx

Restless

Been a while since my last proper blog. Plenty going on in the meantime. So much so that I had for a while taken my mind off the usual issues. Had some more stuff to take my mind off things.

Hard house night last Friday was funnish. Got off my face and danced a lot. It’s true though, hard house isn’t quite my thing these days and I was praying for some more techno stuff.

The best part of the evening was the 2hr walk home at 5 in the morning. Nice and quiet and peaceful. I let the remaining hyper energy slowly dissipate as the sun rose.

All day hangover Saturday, family party on Sunday which was a nice time though I kept myself in the quiet area.

Cinema Monday to see a secret horror film which was recently good. MOT Tuesday and then tiredness through the rest of the week.

Getting back into things I used to for fun. Started watching HotD which rekindled my love of the game of thrones books.

Pushed away the darkness for a while and felt like I was doing stuff for myself again. Relearning to actually do things I enjoyed.

Somewhat distant from all that there’s been some reflection on how I’ve changed since everything that happened.

My lifelong shyness has become more focused now. I think now that I find it harder than ever to be myself around other people.

Or actually instead of that, I’m much more myself but life has become so much harder. Trying to be more social but I’m just less connected to people and more of a lone wolf doing whatever I do.

Trying to be my unashamed and true self really meant that I’m just completely closed around new people and I’m not charismatic enough to actually attract anyone inside the walls.

The more time I spend alone the more I realise how deeply I just want the right people in my life. I get so bored and restless on my own because it’s just not much fun to be in my head.

I spent so much of my life masking and repressing myself exactly because it was better than the alternative. Better to have fake friends than no friends at all.

It’s been an important step to find my old self again but I don’t feel I can get any sort of life back until I reinvent myself. I’m still looking to do that but I don’t really believe that I will manage it.

Who I am deep down is the real me and I’m not going to change without outside help. From someone or something else that forces me to change. And even then I’ll stubbornly resist.

Emotional time at work this week. Part of my job is calculating death payments for life insurance. I’m pretty detached from the thought of death and generally most claims are from natural causes.

This week however I had my first claim for a murder victim. And the circumstances were pretty shocking. And so this person wasn’t a faceless name and a policy number but a known person.

Hadn’t had time off for a while and probably won’t get any soon. Still waiting for authorisation for my birthday week as we are losing another 3 members of the team.

The lad I’m training at work has got an accreditation, so maybe my training has been quite effective.

I feel a little isolated at work sometimes. I sit alongside some colleagues but don’t quite feel like I belong in the circle. I feel sad when I feel I’m not being fully included. Times like these I wish to shut myself off to take control and preempt being alone.

Haven’t felt very creative recently. Probably just too tired.

What’s my plan for tonight? Drinking but probably not too much. The weekend? Fuck knows.

Spent time with my younger brother recently, we might it a regular thing, walking up the Wrekin. Impressed that we did it in half an hour with it needing a rest.

It was great to talk honestly about what I really needed to talk about but had kept quiet about. My bro is a great listener. I’ll let him talk more next time.

So it’s doing me good to aim for, and do stuff. To choose to do something and do it. Just do it however I can and not let any anxiety stop me.

I’ve not magically become fearless or anything but I’m not beating myself up about anything.

I don’t know if I can ever achieve what I really want in life and am still plagued by many doubts and fears but I’m feeling more like I’m in control of myself and more patient with myself.

Events have left me in the nasty position of needing people around me while I’ve stopped trusting people in general. But I keep on. Keep going.

Continuing to work on myself and to keep connected to people as much as I can.

It’s time to kick start the process of loving myself by actually looking after myself and reparenting myself. Doing stuff that’s good for me. Looking after my physical and mental health.

Muster up the energy to properly tidy myself up. That’s something they teach in CBT. I struggle to do things because I don’t have a tidy personal space. I feel oppressed by the mess I’ve made of myself.

It’s no good dreaming of doing stuff when I’m trapped by my own personal clutter.

Does the messy mind cause a messy room or vice versa? The environment I create to keep people out is unfriendly to myself as well. I keep people out more when I don’t feel good about myself. So why do I do things that make me feel bad about myself? To keep people away.

A vicious circle if ever there was one. Also it gives a rare sense of control to actively sabotage yourself. The funny thing is that I kind of enjoyed not being in control because life felt more interesting that way. Not good though when things go badly.

Life will be a long, perpetual quest to find things to do that I actually like doing. And to perfect the art of keeping myself safe while I throw myself into whatever comes along.

It really sucks to be me sometimes, but I do it as well as I can and I don’t think anyone else could ever be me and keep their soul like I do.

Thanks as always for reading.

PS I’m not shedding any tears for the royal parasite. The only reason I’m not celebrating is because the new king is far worse. I’ll dance a jig when they’re all removed from this Earth.

Getting back

There’s no denying or escaping the fact that I’m feeling increasingly lonely at the moment. I’ve no desire to spend the rest of my life alone. This isolating was with the aim to be more secure around people by being more comfortable alone.

The place I’m in now is not a good place to be alone. I do need someone to talk to and offer a distraction.

So tonight I’m back out for drinks. It’s a been while but probably not that long really.

I’ve been through something taxing today and I probably should be resting but I committed myself to getting fairly drunk and felt like staying open to some company.

Had a first at work. The first time I’d had to report a breach due to a policy being incorrectly administered.

It was nerve wracking because it’s the sort of thing I don’t like dealing with and to be honest after 3 years I was worried there might be questions asked as to why I haven’t done one before.

But yeah I asked for and got help and it’s something I know I can deal with now.

We’re a regulated industry and our breaches must be reported within 72 hrs. There was no putting off until Monday.

That didn’t happen until mid afternoon so I took my extra half hour dinner break and popped in to my local autism hub.

I was hoping to be a bit more social again and it was nice to see an old friend who I haven’t seen for ages. We had a quick catch up and I’m pleased to see she’s doing well.

I got to ask how the others are doing which put my mind to rest a little.

I mentioned that I’ve been spending too much time alone as I learn to be myself. It got me thinking again about how the real me is so difficult to find.

The real me is someone who is friendly but at the same time I’m doing it because I need other people around me to feel human. Without company, what exists deep inside doesn’t really feel very human.

It is totally part of who I really am that I don’t feel safe alone because if I have to isolate to protect myself I’m already trapped in a place where I don’t feel safe.

I am such a different person when I’m around people who make me feel good. The 2 sides of me don’t recognise each other.

That’s the reason I have pursued the Jungian ideal of integrating my 2 selves. To become a balanced person.

During the bad times I had unfriended my old friend which i immediately regretted and fully expected she wouldn’t want to talk to me. But she did.

It made me think that she was so casual that she didn’t even notice I had disappeared which kind of sucked in a way but I was ultimately really glad that she was still friendly.

I’m going to continue pursuing building bridges to being friends again with the old group but I also want to just keep going to new places and begin to meet new people.

Perhaps now I’m becoming more like my old friends by staying open while not really doing anything to cement friendships into demanding relationships.

I still want to pursue relationships of course because I find it easier to trust people when I know they’ll stand by me and stick with me.

It’ll help to spend time around people again but at some point I’ll want more and become unhappy again. But better to be unhappy than to repeat the experiences of the last 18 months.

And so the burgeoning creative inside me really wants to start writing something. To create a world that I can lose myself in and hopefully provide me some alternative to the loneliness.

It’s a big deal and I’m still so hesitant to give it a proper go. I can tell myself that it will be some thing worthwhile that I can be proud of. Maybe it can be what I dedicate my life to instead of seeking out the company of real people.

One fear is that it will make the isolation worse and I’ll ultimately get lost in the dark forest again. But it might be the sort of thing I need to give myself the belief that I’ll be ok.

At this time I can reveal that I finally deleted my Facebook and it’s too late to reclaim it now. I’m already plotting how to relaunch myself by creating a brand new account but only in order that I might have better control over how much I share of myself.

I’m returning to some good advice, to take things one at a time and make slow but steady progress. Trying to rebuild myself but it has to be done right. And it needs good foundations.

I think that I need to apply myself in such a way that I can win one small victory at a time while making sure that I get as much rest and healing as possible.

It’s truly a great feeling when you finally deal with something big but there’s an energy cost and things don’t sink in until you’ve rested and recovered. Feel that weight lifted from your shoulders.

Getting in touch with a better self-image now. I’ve been trying to hold onto the various schema that exists inside myself.

The demons who are covered in spikes to hurt people who get too close. The harsh taskmaster who demands I do better. The child who always want to play and won’t listen to anyone else.

There was even a brief dalliance with the archetype of cool. The unbeatable aloofness of the smirking figure who is above everything but whose eyes smoulder with the fire of warm charisma.

I know I’ve needed this tonight. To take a break from worrying and engage with the part of myself that is free to imagine something better.

So it feeling I’m getting my humanity back again. It feels like connecting with other people helped me connect with my better self again. That was probably always the case.

It’s no accident that all of my friends were autistic and it’s no surprise that I seek to keep them in my life and spend all of my time with them. It’s no surprise that I reacted so badly to losing that connection nor why I feel so bad for the way I reacted.

But tonight is a night for allowing myself to feel good again simply because I’ve reconnected with a part of myself that I love and have shut off the voice that tells me I need to be someone else to feel that love.

The pub is quiet but not too quiet and they’re playing some good music. I can sit by myself and blog or I can join some people I know.

What would the archetype of cool do? He’d do whatever the fuck he wanted.

Thanks as always for reading

Kindest Regards to those who do xx

Pathological Demand Avoidance

Having some tough times this week but feeling a bit better today. My research into autism and trauma has taken round to the subject of this blog post.

This is definitely something that affects me to a degree and I’m thinking about what it means.

Identifying myself as avoidant and have done for a while, certainly there is a struggle with meeting demands. Tying in to social anxiety very much, it’s about being put in a position where you don’t feel confident or comfortable. Taken to it’s furthest degree, perhaps not even feeling safe.

It harks back to what I’ve said before about not being in control. You might ask yourself “how does this benefit me to meet a demand?”, particular if it’s from someone else and it’s to benefit someone else.

There is an inherent good in doing unselfish acts to benefit someone else but at what cost to yourself?

I can and do demand things of myself and for myself. Probably too much at times. There’s also a lot of stuff I don’t demand of myself where I perhaps should.

It all comes under the same umbrella as pressure, expectations and such. I think the real crux of the issue is whether the person who makes demands of you actually understands you and if you trust them.

We all had the ultimate test forced on us back in March 2020. The demands were utterly unhuman but no one understood just how abhorrent it is to demand people quarantine themselves and treat themselves and each other as lepers.

And I sure as hell didn’t trust anyone who insisted they were trying to protect me from something I don’t believe in at the expense of everything that makes life worth living.

The trauma of the last 2 and a half years remains stubborn and hard to get over because I just lost trust in everyone and don’t feel like it’s worth trying to restart my life.

We in the UK haven’t had covid restrictions for quite a while now but the world just seems a total void empty of humanity. The memory remains but it feels somewhat like it is in the past now but the world was changed not for the better.

Got the house to myself for a few days again but this time I didn’t feel any sort of anticipation towards it. I am struggling by myself again and probably need to get out once more.

Yesterday after work was a dark time, ruminating over all the darkness. Reliving the pain of the past as I try to find the words to make amends. It hit me like a brick that I can’t move on until I’ve made peace with those I cared about and loved the most. Those who I stopped caring about when I was so deeply lost in the darkness and miss them dearly now I feel like I’ve lost them forever.

I can’t make peace until I can finally say that I’m free of all the deep fears I’ve developed over that time and exorcised a few demons. I know that I want to have friends again and I don’t want to live the rest of my life on my own, yet I also know that I need time alone away from the world to recover from the demands of life.

Yesterday I needed badly to shut myself off to rest and heal. I’m experimenting with Night Nurse and having took a couple to help me sleep early, I feel a lot better today because of it.

Also I came across another youtube vid helping to heal from trauma. The motto is “Be Kind, Rewind” which some may have heard before. The practise is to reverse the process of processing traumatic memories. Traumatic memories are the ones that leap into your conscious mind and take control of you as if you’re literally reliving the past.

Processing them properly so they stay in the past is what it’s all about. The idea is that memories are stored in the hippocampus rather than the amygdala, the fear centre of the brain.

It seems like an easy concept to grasp but it’s strange to think about in practise. Whether you’re actively travelling further back in time past the traumatic event to a happier place, or whether you just choose to look at the past in a backward way, I don’t know. It seems like zipping up a bag to close it rather than unzipping it open.

What I’m talking about it is trying to put the past behind me and close it off but I still wish things could back to they were before the trauma. Back to a time when we did what we wanted to without any fear or pressure of demand.

I think I know myself so much better than I used to and can defend myself better and I’m slowly learning the value of being kind to myself which will make me kinder to others again.

It’s got to be damn impossible for me not to have learned any lessons from all the pain I’ve experienced. Though truth is I like to push myself when it comes to something I really want, I’m not ever going to want to throw myself way over the limit again.

Feeling calm and safe is an oasis in a desert of pain but I’ll get bored of being calm and safe. Not going to give up looking for happiness and excitement.

They say that PDA is a form of control for those of us struggle to control ourselves. The burnouts and meltdowns are a reminder of what happens when we do lose control. Also I heard another motto. “Depressed => Deep Rest”. It’s hard for others to understand how often and how much we are harmed by the world and need time to heal.

I should have given myself more time to heal instead of aggressively pursuing something to escape the pain.

What I can say now is that I lost interest in everything and found joy in nothing for so long, all because I was constantly on a knife-edge, always seeking some sort of fix. My brain was crying out for a break and I just couldn’t listen. The blackness of trauma was spilling over everything I did because of the pressure I put myself under to keep fighting.

My obsessive, overthinking nature has seldom served me well and I think I’ll get mentally healthy when I can reign it in. It feels like I’ve had to stop caring and stop worrying to be able to deal with things. There are only a few people I care about enough to put myself out for and I always would do anything for them, only because I want, and in some cases need them to be happy.

The most hurtful time was when I felt my friends didn’t care about me enough to try to keep me in their lives yet, at that time I was becoming more demanding of them so I can’t blame them for giving up on me. In the end I didn’t have much choice but stop caring about them and shut myself away.

Ultimately I need them to understand that it’s taken so much time for me to come to terms with who I was and to build myself up again. I want to be friends again but I need them to be able to trust me and be comfortable around me and I can’t demand it from them. And I can’t be friends again if they don’t understand why I couldn’t stay friends at the time because I was so badly hurt.

It’s completely up to them if want to be friends again but I’m not going to pour my heart and soul into winning them back. No matter how badly I might want them back.

So here’s another reason why I don’t want to meet new people and make new friends. I’m just unwilling to care about anyone else, don’t think I have it in me anymore. It’s just too much to care about someone when they’ve got others in their lives who they care about more.

Caring is demanding. Except when it isn’t.

You can show you care for someone by doing things for them, if you understand someone so that you just do things without them needing to demand it. Is this really the key to it? I think it might just be.

Everything is a demand when no one understands.

Thanks for reading as ever

Kindest regards

Jamie

Trauma and Low Self-Esteem revisited

Some more on this topic that I’ve been chewing over recently. But first a brief mention that I am hoping to get a position where I don’t need to talk about autism and mental health. It’s probably a large part of why I find it hard to escape the issues. It doesn’t really do much good to constantly obsess over all my faults. But then it’s the only thing that I care about enough to get my teeth into.

With that being said there’s slow but definite progress being made and I look forward to the day when I can say that I’m happy and fine and everything’s great.

Watched another YT vid about trauma and this one really clicked with me. It’s not good to think you know everything and close yourself off to learning but it is a great feeling to be vindicated.

From a psychotherapist point of view, understanding how to treat someone with trauma. Not just that but any sort of painful experience. Words alone don’t matter. They can’t do anything. They can’t heal someone who has been harmed.

I’ve had negligible self-esteem pretty much my entire adult life, probably starting somewhere in childhood. Naturally the question arises as to what causes low self-esteem. The answer I suspect lies in trauma. How can any rational human being think so low of themselves and how can they be their own worst enemy. How can anyone hate themselves so much that they’re willing to hurt themselves.

There is danger in the world and people get hurt, sometimes badly, sometimes consistently. Trauma has always been the deep feeling of terror over the fact that I was powerless to protect myself and that I had no control over myself.

It’s important to note that the harmful beliefs we hold due to unhealed trauma correspond to an internal truth. These truths become self-fulfilling prophecies but they begin with a kernel of absolute truth. I was vulnerable and there was nothing I could do protect myself. I was at the mercy of something or someone else. No one is around to protect me or help me.

I don’t feel safe here and may never will.

And yet to go through life I will inevitably face a situation where I have to put myself at risk of getting hurt again. I can’t go through that again. I already know I will fail because I can’t even face up to the prospect of even trying. That big old wound just never heals.

The meat of the argument of how you can actually treat trauma is simply that the antidote is exactly the reverse of the traumatic events. To those who have suffered abuse at the hands of malicious evil, the antidote is true kindness. To those who have lost, the antidote is to gain. To those who are abandoned, the antidote is to be welcomed.

To those who have been betrayed, the antidote is loyalty. To those who have been rejected, the antidote is to be accepted.

Those of us who have hidden disabilities know how important it is to have our disabilities understood and acknowledged because those who don’t understand us truly aren’t talking to the real us. They are talking to some idea or false persona of someone that isn’t really there.

Words don’t mean a thing to someone who holds onto strong self-beliefs because they are inevitably bound up in real past experiences.

Someone who truly thinks they are unlovable will simply not believe the words “I love you”

But the antidote is still love. It’s very much show not tell. It has to be real and it has to be lived and it has to be unwavering. It has to be praxis not slogans. It’s all about trust, the type of trust that comes from consistent behaviour over time.

I do think that my own traumas are a long, consistent series of vulnerabilities that form a large, interconnected complex. Not that I’m really looking to diagnose myself with C-PTSD or anything, just trying to pin down where I can help myself.

There are obvious difficulties in growing up with undiagnosed autism. I was brought up in a world that didn’t recognise or make any concessions for my special needs, and instead insisted there was something wrong with me when I was struggling to fit in.

It’s clear as daylight to me now that much of who I am and everything I do is to overcome or avoid the feelings associated with trauma, why did it take so long for me to even understand?

Well that’s because I couldn’t see or accept my own hidden disabilities, felt like I had to be perfect. Had to hide my truest self away lest I be exposed as the loser I’ve always been.

Vicious circles all the way down.

If I’m really going to learn how to believe in myself I need a real reason for doing so. Being honest with myself has done so much work towards this, I feel like I’m ready, prepared to begin the next leg of the journey.

There’s only 2 things holding me back now, 2 things that hold the old wounds open.

Under the cover of repressing painful memories, that darkest part of yourself feels like it’s being controlled. But of course it’s not. When the trigger comes it leaves you in a state you have no control of whatsoever.

I would say at this point that trauma represents all of the horror of internalised experience that cannot be controlled, only repressed. It can’t be bargained or negotiated with, can’t be tamed, can’t be persuaded. Only when we begin to understand it and respect it can we begin to control it.

And so the real antidote to trauma is control. You have to know yourself to effectively take charge of yourself. Know what is truly good for you and bad for you. Know which voice in your head is truly yours and is taking your lived experience into account. Know what you want and who is on your side.

It seems that once you believe in yourself, trusting yourself will follow. But trust takes time and has to be earned. I always used to believe that deep down inside, underneath the mask, that I was a bad person. All the hurtful stuff was directed inwards to stop me from hurting others but I did so much harm to myself, it’s no wonder I didn’t trust myself.

The sad fact was that I was afraid of the darkness inside. I’ve been more scared of myself than anyone else.

Ultimately the trauma was simply too much for me to ever face up to. But I eventually found myself in a situation where I had no choice but to face up to it. And I’m so glad that I did now.

The heart and the head are in union once more.

Thanks for reading

Kind Regards

Alexithymia

Thinking about this topic today. Something I can work on.

The trigger for this was that I’ve currently got the house to myself for 3 or 4 days. When I first learnt this I got a feeling of positivity. I was genuinely looking forward to it, having some good quality alone time.

2 days into it and what have I been doing? Not a lot really, not much at all.

So what have I been looking for all along to make me feel good? What can I do to feel good when I’m alone? I know how good I felt when I was with close friends, people I trusted and felt comfortable to be around.

How does happiness work?

I start from a point where I’m unhappy as standard. By default. I’m at my happiest when I’m getting outside of my own head. Overanalysing everything is not much fun.

So it’s for this reason I think that I never really embrace and appreciate the feelings and emotions of the moment. My happiness is tied to a projection into the future whereby I’m either living a life I like or I’m not.

What really drove me was a sense of hope and optimism with a degree of expectation, that life would continue to go well and give me what I craved. Fulfilling my psychological needs for security and freedom. And when I say crave of course, the addiction to these feelings is a measure of how strongly I feel them.

I associate these feelings with a black and white definition of good and bad and hence why they are so strongly positive and negative emotions. I don’t feel like I’ve ever struggled to identify the different emotions but I think that I have misunderstood the nature of them and how what they really mean.

And of course I’ve never got the hang of how to deal with them in a healthy manner.

I tend to think of them now as the spectrum between love and hate. These are the pure feelings of the moment and sometimes I can just let myself feel them. But only when I’m in a calm place whereby I can switch my mind off.

Love is a feeling that represents the force of attraction, hate represents the force of repulsion. Love is addictive and is harder to appreciate and to express. Hate is easier to express but less tolerable to feel.

And so what were the emotions that guide the motions?

I think in my case that confidence causes love and fear causes hate. And yet I’m not really in control of the confidence or the fear. Precisely because I’m not in control of my own future. More than ever, the world is becoming gradually evermore insecure.

The complexity of my emotions stem from the fact that they’re not governed by the moment, but the implications and the hypothetical consequences to be derived.

What should have been joyful memories of a wonderful past full of hope now become a bitter stain on the present without a hopeful future.

Anxiety is really the expression of doubt and uncertainty feeding back into the fear response.

What of sadness and grief? They emerge after loss, but I think they represent something much deeper. These are emotions that I hate feeling because I hate the fact I’ve lost. Moreover, the feeling is of profound hopelessness that I can never regain what I’ve lost. That I’m doomed to have lost forever.

Thinking about this now, I see a deeper connection between emotions and the fundamental insecurities I have about life in general. I can see the real reasons why I can’t get over some things, why I can’t forgive and forget, why I usually break contact, why I can’t deal with conflicts.

The best thing to do now is to spend more time learning to be in the moment and not to saddle myself with the full force of expectations that every moment will determine my fate forever.

Easier said than done though. I asked myself what is the best way to make the most of being home alone. Is it to seek maximal pleasure at all times? Of course not.

I still don’t know what I can do by myself that will make me happy but I set out to prove to myself that I’ll have more freedom and safety. That I’ll be more confident and less restrained, less inhibited.

What I actually want to do with my temporary free time and space is to do things that build my confidence and give myself a platform to feel love again. To do so in a way that doesn’t put too much pressure on myself.

Last night I ended up falling into the same addictive trap by staying up all night watching youtube vids. Needless to say that I felt like crap today and struggled badly with work.

Tomorrow will be a day for doing better things hopefully. Find a good balance between activity and rest. I like to be creative but I’ve been having nagging doubts recently that my artwork and music aren’t really providing what I need to be confident. I’m doing it for myself but ultimately I’d want to share it with the world and I don’t yet feel it’s good enough.

I need so much time, space and energy to create something in a way that truly feels worthwhile. I want to be more balanced in my approach which would mean I can’t pursue things so single-mindedly. But then again, I’ve learned that I have to take things one step at a time so it’s just more natural to me to work on something until I’m happy with it, then move on to something else.

Organisational skills I really lack and this is something I should work on. Taking control of my life means actually managing my life. Being the boss, making decisions. There’s little worse than having a crap boss who doesn’t know what he’s doing. So why do I tolerate the crap job I do running my own life?

If I’m ever going to achieve the dream of being independent, I’d better make sure I can do it well.

Thanks as always for reading

Fond Regards,

Jamie

Day by Day

Things become that little more clearer. I continue to feel so traumatised because of how vulnerable I am around other people. It feels likely that everyday I’ve tread lightly around other people that I was bullied away from myself.

Every time those who care about force help me they don’t allow me to do what I need to do to help myself. Which is to be alone to ground myself. And to do whatever I need to do to take the pain away.

It fair to say now that I don’t trust anyone. Family have always been the hardest people to talk to because of how close we are and how, likely the case all along, that I don’t feel safe with family.

And in the end it turned out to be the case that the closest friends who you choose as your family hurt you the most.

I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life. But there are no words to describe how much I hate this life where I stuck living at home.

I do live my mom and have done for some time. I’m sorry if you’re reading this although I don’t think you follow it that closely.

I need to move away and find my own place I know you love me and care so much for me but I can’t ever be happy living with you. We’ve tried to talk about being honest with each other.

I’ve tried to tell you that I need to be more independent. I’ve tried telling you that I need you to be less mothering. You always tell me that’s just who you are.

I realised now why I virtually refuse to look after myself when I’m at home is because I need my own routines, my own methods, my own time, my own space, to develop the confidence to make it part of my day by day.

I need to eat when I want to eat what I want to eat. I’ll never learn what is the best way for me to do things when you just insist on doing things for me even when I ask you not to.

My mind and my inner world is chaotic. A large part of me needs a messy environment because I feel less exposed.

Most of all I need you not to make me feel shameful for expressing my pain because you and anyone else felt worried.

I spend all my time at home avoiding you because I hate not be able to walk down the stairs without you asking me if I’m ok.

I have so much anxiety because you have so much anxiety. And I’m the first one you come to to unload all of your stresses. I can barely deal with my own let alone yours.

I love you very much I want to be as kind and helpful as you are. I don’t think you’ve ever been able to understand or accept how truly screwed up I was becoming.

When I can learn to be independent and actually have my own life, I’ll be able to talk to you more freely and will enjoy seeing you.

I’m trying to learn how to say what I feel and not be afraid to upset you. This has been a particularly deep well of discomfort and I needed to get this out.

Thanks as always for reading.

Venting more darkness

I felt good letting the darkness out last time. Had an epiphany that helped me come to terms with things. It came from the fact that I was being myself and that I wasn’t denying myself.

My mood dropped again today as there’s new doubts and fears leaking up into my mind.

To that effect, I want to dig very deep into my core anxiety. Share deeply personal stuff that I’ve never been able to share before.

A common stigma that affect Asperger men like myself. I am a sad, insecure, jealous, controlling, coward in relationships. A bitter loser who can’t handle not getting what I want. And I’ve always known this so I always walk away when things rather than stand up for myself.

I also know the causes, that I repress myself so much because it’s tied up with my autistic social anxiety and sensitivity.

All the romantic relationships I’ve had have imploded very quickly and I don’t trust myself not to ruin everything.

I’ve known for decades that women are attracted to confidence and humility. Men who are desired know they are desired and consequently can strut through any room knowing they don’t ever have to struggle to attract attention.

I read that women feel more secure about a man when other women are competing for the man’s attention. They feel safer chasing when others are doing it.

It’s a different world I live in whereby I must reek of desperation. I may try to hide it and that of course is a fools errand.

I’ve only opened my heart truly to one person but the way things happened ensured that I was destroyed mentally.

It feels like I’m in a permanent state of autistic distress because my anxieties keep exploding. I had to confront what I had become but I needed closure to be able to move on.

I see now that the way I was brought up had a massive impact on how I developed. My mom kicked my dad out when I was 8 years old. I was a happy kid then but one day everything changed. I’m sure it affected my brothers in different ways but I had more in common with my dad.

We look at our own family experiences when we engage in relationships. I think for this reason I didn’t trust that I could maintain a healthy relationship. I don’t trust women not to reject me or ditch me.

My mom ending up raising me and my brothers single handedly so I was left somewhat alone and I didn’t have anyone to teach me how to be in a romantic relationship.

There were opportunities when I was younger but I was too self-conscious, too scared of being embarrassed.

I’ve never been able to face up to and conquer those demons, but that is who I am. I’m a man who loves hard and doesn’t let go. Everyone has told me that I should move on, let go, because it’s unhealthy and it’s bad.

So the end result is that I’m not allowed to be myself. Not allowed to feel what I feel. Guess what? I have to repress myself further.

I know deep down the truth that I need to learn how to love myself before I can ever love someone else in a healthy way. Everyone in my life will tell me how much they care about me and how lovely I am. But I need to be able to unleash the real me which is something I can’t do around people who I care deeply about.

I don’t think I am the person others think I am. I don’t know if the real me is the angry hate-filled person I am now or if that’s just because of the trauma I’m going through.

The real me doesn’t want to be around anyone anymore because I see how unable or unwilling people are to see the world my way.

The real me wants to just not give a shit about anybody. Who am I now is a compensation for all the times I put others first and got nothing in return.

When it comes down to it everyone says they are who are they are and I can’t change them. When I tell people I need something from them to accommodate my autism I’m not allowed to ask something that will mean others changing their ways.

If I finally become who I truly am, it will mean big changes for me and for those closest to me.

I never liked change and to be honest part of the reason I cling on is because I need to appear consistent in my behaviours. What I’ve gone through were changes that were demanded by others that I didn’t want and couldn’t deal with.

I stuck the course because I believed strongly that I was doing the right thing and because I was at my happiest point. It wasn’t me that forced my fears on others.

There are no words to express how utterly betrayed I felt by those who supported the lockdown and mask mandates when I pleaded with them that it was torture for me.

My plan for tonight is to get drunk and take my iPod for a dance around the Town Park. This is when I feel most connected to myself. I like going crazy drunk. I feel powerful yet enlightened in a way comes from dissolving my inhibitions.

It’s always been my way of coping with being alone. I drink to be alone actually. It’s always been the main way I can escape myself.

I can say full well that all of my unhappiness is my own creation. What goes in my head is my own brain.

But it’s my sensitivity to others and how their actions affect me that are the triggers for so much pain. All anyone has to offer me now is very selfish advice which sums up as I should stop being autistic.

Just maybe this is why I denied myself and my autism for so long. If people really knew how badly it affected me they’d soon stop caring quite so much.

I know how badly I need to get away from everyone that holds me back. Can’t get away from myself obviously, but I’m telling myself how much I need to be free and I’m responding with kindness.

A lot of people will tell you how the demons in your head that tell you bad things about yourself need to be vanquished. In my case the demons are the only ones who understood that I wasn’t providing myself with the life I crave. They were the only ones who told me the truth that I couldn’t face up to.

That my life truly wasn’t worth living if I continue to let fear rule my existence. If I let myself be taken hostage to the forces of others.

I don’t know what I love now. I feel now that I only love the demonic side of myself. But it doesn’t feel like there’s anything concrete left for me to pursue. Only overcoming myself.

Since I’m trying to become more confident without losing who I am, what is it that I can anchor myself to and aim towards?

Because everything in my life has felt like an escape from nihilistic emptiness. I want to do something that truly makes a difference to someone. So at some point I will want to re-enter the social world equipped with bravery and competence.

Most of all I want to feel free to enjoy life. It’s become impossible for me to do this while I’m stuck in grief and denial.

For 18 months or so I’ve only been happy by getting drunk and letting the demons take over my soul, rising above petty humanity and becoming something closer to pure darkness of not giving a flying fuck.

It would be so wonderful if I can get this feeling while sober. That is the aim.

I need to be unique. To be like nobody else. Who I am now is a deviation from the moral norms and expectations of a society I’ve come to despise.

It truly feels like I have nothing to offer anyone. Nothing about me to inspire anyone. Just a waste of space. All I can do is be honest about my struggles.

I’ll be honest and say that I’ve been nothing more than a warning to others. A case study in mental health. Pay attention to my story if you want to know what happens when someone loses everything that makes them human.

Im looking elsewhere now. I don’t believe in any Deity and I don’t believe in humanity any more. I believe in myself now but not yet enough.

Thanks as ever for reading. You are why I’m still here.

Jamie x

Venting some darkness

I think this blog is going to become mainly about finding a safe space to explore and release some of my deepest demons. It’s where my journey is going.

I’m more convinced than ever that I want to draw a line between the old world and the new. To be well enough to defeat the depression I need to distance myself from everything that reminds me of my biggest psychological defeat.

I’ve binned my last post as I’m not ready to talk publicly about it and I still need to work on it. But in thinking more clearly and with a little advice I’ve had to admit that I did what I did because I needed to finally put up the hardest boundary around myself.

That it was about protecting myself. And it was the right thing to do.

The beliefs we hold about are what truly makes us what we are. I hold such terminally abhorrent beliefs about myself for certain reasons.

One factor I could never consider before was that that it is part of my hidden disabilties. I can’t fundamentally see myself well enough to actually recognise.

I can only see myself through the eyes of others. Even strangers have this effect on me. To pull my mind away from itself and force it outwards.

Everyone always tells me I should believe in myself but I just don’t, and why would I?

I can’t stop myself from masking because there is no true face to present. Only a mental construction designed to please others.

The real reason I’m dependent on others to make me feel good is because the only voice in my head is the mechanical explainer, telling me exactly why I’m alone in darkness.

It’s time to admit how deeply different I see the world compared to the empty individualist culture I live in.

My autistic sensitivity is exactly the full crushing weight of the effects others have on me. It’s because of this I understand we live in a deeply shared and connected world where we are shaped and made by each other.

Although I am much more connected than anyone else. And it because of this that I am so unutterably decimated by the rejection and exclusion of experiencing the lives of others.

And the truth is that nobody understands the massive effect they have on me. People still expect me to accept that bad things happen and that I should always accept my losses and look elsewhere.

What makes so special and unique in this world is that I can look so sharply into someone’s heart to see the humanity and the lack of humanity.

I hold a mirror up to the world so that it can see itself. Truly the society we live in is defined by lies and selfish hypocracy.

I’ve wanted to get round to the Autism research of Simon Baron Cohen. He who has identified that autistic children tend to be slower to develop the “skill” of not blaming people for unintended harms caused. He calls this “skill” empathy.

Isn’t funny how autistic people are bad people for not being empathetic to the inadequacies of others while those who don’t understand the harm they cause should be understood?

Who are the real empathetic heroes amongst us?

Is it those who struggle with communication but are sensitive to others or is it those who can communicate but are insensitive.

Theory of Mind, it is called. Baron Cohen himself appears to be quite poor at this judging by the reaction of the Autistic community to his project of harvesting Autistic DNA.

In my experience it doesn’t matter who you are, the culture is driving us to hate each other and isolate ourselves from each other. To fear each other.

I’m not strong enough to fight it because I was the most vulnerable to it. I needed so much more from those around me to stay with me but in the ends everyone else’s needs came before mine.

I can’t hide anymore from the fact that I need to become stronger in myself. That I need to be better so that the people around me become better. I’m never going lose sight of what I need to make life worth living.

There is an art to believing in yourself. For truly who we are to ourselves is just a narrative. Walking the path alone requires some extraordinary bravery.

The story I tell myself now is how to keep myself going. That I don’t care for the pointless pursuit of shallow self-validation and virtue-signalling acceptance. “Be kind” is the motto of those who only care only hiding themselves from being challenged or critcised.

I would love anyone who actually sat down, read my words, and called out any bullshit I espouse. Because that would mean they cared enough about me to see my faults and engage with me to improve me. And teach me something.

I can’t remember anyone ever doing this since I was at school. Or maybe a blazing drunken fall out with an old drinking buddy.

I don’t see myself as a human being because people don’t treat me like one. People treat me like a child. Maybe I needed to treated as an adult in order to become one.

Maybe treating me like a child is what stopped me from growing up.

I don’t want to blame all of my problems on others, but I see so clearly how my development as a person was determined by all my interactions with other people.

I can’t stress enough that the culture we live in demands every person is his or her own boss, master of destiny and responsible for everything they do.

When horrible things happens to you it’s all your own fault because you are an individual God of your own existence. Everything that happens to you is your own fault and your responsibility to deal with.

And everything you call evil is a projection of your own evil.

It is not hard for me to understand why our culture tells us this. Because they take everything everything they can from us and tell us to blame ourselves.

I’ll end this post on a cheery note. I’d happily see these people burnt to death.

This has been liberating.

Thanks for reading. Kindest Regards as ever x

Heart grows calmer but colder

Having a catch up with the blog tonight. Hard to describe what I’ve been going through the last few weeks. Some good but mostly very low.

Had a nice couple of evenings out. One with the work colleagues for a leaving do and a family birthday.

Both made me feel good for a while but it leaves me wanting to be social again. And I struggle to really fit in and feel like I’ll never get the true feelings of belonging that I once had.

Went to the pub Tuesday and was once accosted by someone who was determined to make sure I wasn’t alone.

I can see the good intentions but it’s honestly making me so much more like an a social freak. It’s paradoxically making me feel all the more like a complete reject.

In the darkest times I truly feel such deep jealous hatred for those who have friends so easy and natural.

I am still in a state of subtle but deep depression where there doesn’t seem any point to doing anything.

Spending so much time now just lying down with a video on. My mental strength only stretches so far and I’ve been stress testing it to see how much I can tolerate. And I’m tolerating less and less.

It feels now that I can no longer dig deep into the psychoanalysis without actually feeling nauseous dread.

I feel what I was feeling a year ago, that I need to burn my old life away, cut out the part of me that died and restart my life completely from scratch.

It’s been a long time since I could release my negative emotions. And the truth is I never did get any of the anger out of my system. Just dragging it along as it weighs down my spirit.

Giving some serious consideration to joining a boxing gym and taking up the gloves.

I’ve talked with my sister in law about doing something to get the anger out, but it’s something I have a fundamental block around. Just can’t express myself that way around other people.

I had a lightbulb moment earlier today. Thinking about how truly strongly I am affected by others. I’ve learned the hard way just how damaging it is for me to put myself out into the world.

I’ve earned the right to protect myself now that I know how badly I can get hurt. For the time being I want to be alone again and I want to distance myself from others and just forget about them until it stops hurting.

Shut myself away from the world again because every time I open up I end up feeling the same old betrayals and abandonments.

I need my own space now to be truly free within myself and to be able to unleash the dark energy that decimates my mind.

I’m slowly learning of the full extent of how my psychological make up is so detrimental to mental health and despite how hard I cling to it, my edges are beginning to soften.

I’m not fighting myself so much now to conquer every enemy but instead slowly putting myself back together and recognising that I have limitations that should be respected.

Life may not be so exciting for the time being but I no longer feel things are worth pursuing with the same old manic addiction.

Thanks for reading and kindest regards as ever.