Abscissa – Autism and Techno Blog

Greetings time for another blog.

To start off with I wanted to get something off my chest. A small explainer to clarify something. I made the decision not to go the Autism Show at the NEC.

Not that I really need to explain my decision although it is a habit. But yeah it didn’t seem particularly the kind of thing that I was looking for or felt comfortable being at. It takes me back to the old thought process that a lot of content geared to help autistic people doesn’t really help with what matters.

First off attempting to book a ticket caused a bit of consternation. Autistic adults were categorised as concession tickets but the website suggested we would have to prove our concessions. Not comfortable at all with that.

Im not in a position where I need concessions on ticket prices. Though the tickets were a little too expensive. Concessions also included those on PIP and ESA benefits and yet the tickets were still £18. Full adult tickets were £25. More expensive still if you pay on the door.

According to a reply to someones question, I would have to book as a professional to get a full adult ticket but why? I’m not a professional. Just a man who wanted to go to a convention and maybe listen to people speak and see like-minded people.

Moreover the rub was that it is a thing created by parents of autistic children looking for help. Memories of Autism Speaks and their hatred of autism.

The event itself says it’s autism friendly with lowered stimuli and headphones available for all panels. We generally don’t like being in large groups of people anyway so an autistic convention may not look worthwhile for any of us.

I know at this moment I didn’t want to be exposed to such a degree and I would have been there alone, trying my hardest not to look out of place. Getting there and back would have been too stressful as well.

What actually wanted was to do something different with my saturday. Have an excuse to do something different. Try to push myself outside my comfort zone. But it was all too awkward and anxiety-inducing.

And let’s not forget the corporate sponsors and everyone who’s there to sell the latest solution to the ills of autistic family life.

I’m in the process of learning and accepting who I am and there’s many personal issues to sort out but I don’t really feel I need any sort of concession made. In fact the truth is I want to just forget about everything and live free from any situation that causes issues.

My autism never was that severe tbh. I didnt need people around me to make a big deal of my issues, quite capable of making a big deal all by myself without any help.

I use autistic tags so my posts can reach people who are looking for autistic content but I kinda feel I’ve talked enough about it. I am much more than my autism and I want my life to be lived without it being an issue.

Usually just end up talking about my struggles anyway which is good but I don’t wish to be defined by struggles.

Without those struggles I wouldn’t have much to talk about full stop and I’d be happy not talking to anyone if it meant that I was comfortable and content.

A couple of things that have been in the news and topics of debate on social media, I could do a full blog about them on their own but I don’t really feel like it at the moment. But I do like to think about them and build an argument and address some points.

There comes a point where you stop caring enough about things enough to feel like commenting. Why devote time and energy into something when it changes nothing. Why talk when nothing comes of it?

When I wrote last time that I wanted to be alone, there were 2 levels to it. For all the hurt and ill feeling and mistrust, I wanted to be alone to grieve and sulk. For the trauma I don’t want to be around people.

Without all that, without the pain and fear, do I want to be alone? No not really. It’s not my dream to live like a hermit for the rest of my life. The bad dreams I still have involve me trying to regain the old friendships and being turned away and rejected.

It still eats away in the background. The final frontier, the final obstacle to overcome. It will suck if my worst fears keep coming true but actually confronting them will change something. I’ll finally let go and move on or I’ll let myself be a friend again.

Got this week off work which means the usual struggle to justify slobbing away and the usual regret over not doing something useful.

Everytime I use work as an excuse for not doing things, no excuse for not doing them this week.

Except I just don’t want to do anything stressful, don’t want to expose myself to struggling again.

In the spirit of learning that it’s ok when things don’t work out, that it’s ok to make mistakes as long as you’re upfront and honest about it. I can’t  expect to make amends without fully taking responsibility for what I did and stop trying to be some perfectly wonderful Mary-Sue.

There are explanations and excuses for my behaviour but they don’t mean anything in the cold light of day.

If I was honest with myself and with others I would have known the right thing to do and would have saved myself and others a lot of pain and anguish. The situation I found myself in, the person who I was back then, I couldn’t do those things and the best thing to do would have been to admit I couldn’t and not try to be someone I couldn’t be.

And will I ever be able to communicate how I feel with unashamed honesty? In words?

I make music to express how I feel in a way that makes me feel stronger when I listen back to it.

Not all of my tracks have that effect but some do. It’s telling that I don’t ever reread my blogs but I do relisten to those tracks. But then those tracks really represent my own soul in a way that words cannot.

Naturally I hope to finish my latest tracks and get them uploaded this week. Been at them for months now and they need to put out there at some point.

Could always reread the old blogs and give them a proper reorganising which I’ve been meaning to do for ages.

Not making any promises though, I’ll just do whatever feels good.

Thanks as ever for reading. Kindest regards xx