Day by Day

Things become that little more clearer. I continue to feel so traumatised because of how vulnerable I am around other people. It feels likely that everyday I’ve tread lightly around other people that I was bullied away from myself.

Every time those who care about force help me they don’t allow me to do what I need to do to help myself. Which is to be alone to ground myself. And to do whatever I need to do to take the pain away.

It fair to say now that I don’t trust anyone. Family have always been the hardest people to talk to because of how close we are and how, likely the case all along, that I don’t feel safe with family.

And in the end it turned out to be the case that the closest friends who you choose as your family hurt you the most.

I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life. But there are no words to describe how much I hate this life where I stuck living at home.

I do live my mom and have done for some time. I’m sorry if you’re reading this although I don’t think you follow it that closely.

I need to move away and find my own place I know you love me and care so much for me but I can’t ever be happy living with you. We’ve tried to talk about being honest with each other.

I’ve tried to tell you that I need to be more independent. I’ve tried telling you that I need you to be less mothering. You always tell me that’s just who you are.

I realised now why I virtually refuse to look after myself when I’m at home is because I need my own routines, my own methods, my own time, my own space, to develop the confidence to make it part of my day by day.

I need to eat when I want to eat what I want to eat. I’ll never learn what is the best way for me to do things when you just insist on doing things for me even when I ask you not to.

My mind and my inner world is chaotic. A large part of me needs a messy environment because I feel less exposed.

Most of all I need you not to make me feel shameful for expressing my pain because you and anyone else felt worried.

I spend all my time at home avoiding you because I hate not be able to walk down the stairs without you asking me if I’m ok.

I have so much anxiety because you have so much anxiety. And I’m the first one you come to to unload all of your stresses. I can barely deal with my own let alone yours.

I love you very much I want to be as kind and helpful as you are. I don’t think you’ve ever been able to understand or accept how truly screwed up I was becoming.

When I can learn to be independent and actually have my own life, I’ll be able to talk to you more freely and will enjoy seeing you.

I’m trying to learn how to say what I feel and not be afraid to upset you. This has been a particularly deep well of discomfort and I needed to get this out.

Thanks as always for reading.

Painful Acceptances

Some good tidings to report today. Plentiful moments of both calm and anxiety. But the anxiety feels like the good old-fashioned, garden variety anxiety of being nervous. Not the black poison that has terrified me so much and driven me to the brink of despair.

While I’m still feeling sadness over everything that I lost, I’m seeing a future where can I gain so much. Allowing myself to be human, to be imperfect, a buffoon and let’s be honest, an intolerable arsehole.

So many denials. I was in denial of all that was hurtful. I denied the fact of how far I’d fallen and denied myself the right to protect myself. Denied the right to say I don’t want to do this anymore and walk away before getting hurt.

Denied myself the ability to take any action that might upset someone else in order to assert myself. Denied myself the giving or receiving of real love as opposed to a one-dimensional fantasy love.

I denied what was happening before my eyes, that I had built a prison around myself and was grasping for someone to share it with me.

I was looking for someone to make me whole because I couldn’t see, understand or believe that part of myself that was missing.

Yes I denied that I was truly autistic in the sense I denied that it would have a significant effect on my actions if I could fight it and overcome it.

Coming to terms with everything happened was only ever going to possible when I finally began to confront myself and stop hiding.

I’ve struggled to concentrate at work today because my mind is filled with manic activity. This happens when I feel on the cusp of a real breakthrough. I feel closer than ever now.

I need to finally send that letter. To tell her all the things I should have told her to put her mind at rest and help her understand.

To say thank you and sorry where I need to. To say what I wish I could have said long ago, that you are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known and I will always love you for everything you did for me. I always wanted you to be happy, safe, comfortable, cared for and loved. These are the same things I want for myself and I believed we could do these things for each other.

It is only now that I can say I want you to be free and independent. And most of all that you can love, respect, trust and believe in yourself. I’ve learned the hard way what happens when you don’t.

I couldn’t live with the man I became around you and that’s why I couldn’t stay friends with you. I don’t want to stay trapped in an endless debacle of trying to win you back. I only want to move on from the past and become a new man. I’m not doing it for you now, I’m doing it for me. I need to protect myself by moving away from the traumas of the past and I want to be completely alone, without friends or family, so that I have a space to be myself where I can be totally uninhibited.

The only love I’m looking for now is to love myself and I think I need to be alone for a long time to find it. And I’m truly not afraid to be alone anymore because I’ll finally be free.

Thanks for reading and the kindest regards

Just feeling lonely again

Through it all. Through all the hard work and progress that I make, I still don’t fully trust myself to open myself up and engage when the opportunity arises. It feels like I don’t see any sign of meeting someone who will really see me for who I am and invest themselves into me out of anything other than pity and feeling sorry for me.

I hesitate to share any positivity in my life as it evokes the sense of manipulation. I want to share the good energy and receive the same but there’s no feeling of connection. I don’t want to spend my energy trying to attract affection to end up hurt again.

All because of the same insecurity that digs claws into my spine. That were all just a bunch of selfish creatures milking each other for what we can get and I’ll be left alone to shovel my broken heart back into place.

I think now that I will share all in the world in the world that brings me joy if only to find those who would share in my joy.

I would give my heart 100% to those who would choose to spend their lives with me.

I’ve always despised the arrogance of those who love themselves but I think we all need to love ourselves in order to function healthily.

So how the hell do I do that? The first step is relearn how to feel love again.