Some good tidings to report today. Plentiful moments of both calm and anxiety. But the anxiety feels like the good old-fashioned, garden variety anxiety of being nervous. Not the black poison that has terrified me so much and driven me to the brink of despair.
While I’m still feeling sadness over everything that I lost, I’m seeing a future where can I gain so much. Allowing myself to be human, to be imperfect, a buffoon and let’s be honest, an intolerable arsehole.
So many denials. I was in denial of all that was hurtful. I denied the fact of how far I’d fallen and denied myself the right to protect myself. Denied the right to say I don’t want to do this anymore and walk away before getting hurt.
Denied myself the ability to take any action that might upset someone else in order to assert myself. Denied myself the giving or receiving of real love as opposed to a one-dimensional fantasy love.
I denied what was happening before my eyes, that I had built a prison around myself and was grasping for someone to share it with me.
I was looking for someone to make me whole because I couldn’t see, understand or believe that part of myself that was missing.
Yes I denied that I was truly autistic in the sense I denied that it would have a significant effect on my actions if I could fight it and overcome it.
Coming to terms with everything happened was only ever going to possible when I finally began to confront myself and stop hiding.
I’ve struggled to concentrate at work today because my mind is filled with manic activity. This happens when I feel on the cusp of a real breakthrough. I feel closer than ever now.
I need to finally send that letter. To tell her all the things I should have told her to put her mind at rest and help her understand.
To say thank you and sorry where I need to. To say what I wish I could have said long ago, that you are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known and I will always love you for everything you did for me. I always wanted you to be happy, safe, comfortable, cared for and loved. These are the same things I want for myself and I believed we could do these things for each other.
It is only now that I can say I want you to be free and independent. And most of all that you can love, respect, trust and believe in yourself. I’ve learned the hard way what happens when you don’t.
I couldn’t live with the man I became around you and that’s why I couldn’t stay friends with you. I don’t want to stay trapped in an endless debacle of trying to win you back. I only want to move on from the past and become a new man. I’m not doing it for you now, I’m doing it for me. I need to protect myself by moving away from the traumas of the past and I want to be completely alone, without friends or family, so that I have a space to be myself where I can be totally uninhibited.
The only love I’m looking for now is to love myself and I think I need to be alone for a long time to find it. And I’m truly not afraid to be alone anymore because I’ll finally be free.
Thanks for reading and the kindest regards