I felt good letting the darkness out last time. Had an epiphany that helped me come to terms with things. It came from the fact that I was being myself and that I wasn’t denying myself.
My mood dropped again today as there’s new doubts and fears leaking up into my mind.
To that effect, I want to dig very deep into my core anxiety. Share deeply personal stuff that I’ve never been able to share before.
A common stigma that affect Asperger men like myself. I am a sad, insecure, jealous, controlling, coward in relationships. A bitter loser who can’t handle not getting what I want. And I’ve always known this so I always walk away when things rather than stand up for myself.
I also know the causes, that I repress myself so much because it’s tied up with my autistic social anxiety and sensitivity.
All the romantic relationships I’ve had have imploded very quickly and I don’t trust myself not to ruin everything.
I’ve known for decades that women are attracted to confidence and humility. Men who are desired know they are desired and consequently can strut through any room knowing they don’t ever have to struggle to attract attention.
I read that women feel more secure about a man when other women are competing for the man’s attention. They feel safer chasing when others are doing it.
It’s a different world I live in whereby I must reek of desperation. I may try to hide it and that of course is a fools errand.
I’ve only opened my heart truly to one person but the way things happened ensured that I was destroyed mentally.
It feels like I’m in a permanent state of autistic distress because my anxieties keep exploding. I had to confront what I had become but I needed closure to be able to move on.
I see now that the way I was brought up had a massive impact on how I developed. My mom kicked my dad out when I was 8 years old. I was a happy kid then but one day everything changed. I’m sure it affected my brothers in different ways but I had more in common with my dad.
We look at our own family experiences when we engage in relationships. I think for this reason I didn’t trust that I could maintain a healthy relationship. I don’t trust women not to reject me or ditch me.
My mom ending up raising me and my brothers single handedly so I was left somewhat alone and I didn’t have anyone to teach me how to be in a romantic relationship.
There were opportunities when I was younger but I was too self-conscious, too scared of being embarrassed.
I’ve never been able to face up to and conquer those demons, but that is who I am. I’m a man who loves hard and doesn’t let go. Everyone has told me that I should move on, let go, because it’s unhealthy and it’s bad.
So the end result is that I’m not allowed to be myself. Not allowed to feel what I feel. Guess what? I have to repress myself further.
I know deep down the truth that I need to learn how to love myself before I can ever love someone else in a healthy way. Everyone in my life will tell me how much they care about me and how lovely I am. But I need to be able to unleash the real me which is something I can’t do around people who I care deeply about.
I don’t think I am the person others think I am. I don’t know if the real me is the angry hate-filled person I am now or if that’s just because of the trauma I’m going through.
The real me doesn’t want to be around anyone anymore because I see how unable or unwilling people are to see the world my way.
The real me wants to just not give a shit about anybody. Who am I now is a compensation for all the times I put others first and got nothing in return.
When it comes down to it everyone says they are who are they are and I can’t change them. When I tell people I need something from them to accommodate my autism I’m not allowed to ask something that will mean others changing their ways.
If I finally become who I truly am, it will mean big changes for me and for those closest to me.
I never liked change and to be honest part of the reason I cling on is because I need to appear consistent in my behaviours. What I’ve gone through were changes that were demanded by others that I didn’t want and couldn’t deal with.
I stuck the course because I believed strongly that I was doing the right thing and because I was at my happiest point. It wasn’t me that forced my fears on others.
There are no words to express how utterly betrayed I felt by those who supported the lockdown and mask mandates when I pleaded with them that it was torture for me.
My plan for tonight is to get drunk and take my iPod for a dance around the Town Park. This is when I feel most connected to myself. I like going crazy drunk. I feel powerful yet enlightened in a way comes from dissolving my inhibitions.
It’s always been my way of coping with being alone. I drink to be alone actually. It’s always been the main way I can escape myself.
I can say full well that all of my unhappiness is my own creation. What goes in my head is my own brain.
But it’s my sensitivity to others and how their actions affect me that are the triggers for so much pain. All anyone has to offer me now is very selfish advice which sums up as I should stop being autistic.
Just maybe this is why I denied myself and my autism for so long. If people really knew how badly it affected me they’d soon stop caring quite so much.
I know how badly I need to get away from everyone that holds me back. Can’t get away from myself obviously, but I’m telling myself how much I need to be free and I’m responding with kindness.
A lot of people will tell you how the demons in your head that tell you bad things about yourself need to be vanquished. In my case the demons are the only ones who understood that I wasn’t providing myself with the life I crave. They were the only ones who told me the truth that I couldn’t face up to.
That my life truly wasn’t worth living if I continue to let fear rule my existence. If I let myself be taken hostage to the forces of others.
I don’t know what I love now. I feel now that I only love the demonic side of myself. But it doesn’t feel like there’s anything concrete left for me to pursue. Only overcoming myself.
Since I’m trying to become more confident without losing who I am, what is it that I can anchor myself to and aim towards?
Because everything in my life has felt like an escape from nihilistic emptiness. I want to do something that truly makes a difference to someone. So at some point I will want to re-enter the social world equipped with bravery and competence.
Most of all I want to feel free to enjoy life. It’s become impossible for me to do this while I’m stuck in grief and denial.
For 18 months or so I’ve only been happy by getting drunk and letting the demons take over my soul, rising above petty humanity and becoming something closer to pure darkness of not giving a flying fuck.
It would be so wonderful if I can get this feeling while sober. That is the aim.
I need to be unique. To be like nobody else. Who I am now is a deviation from the moral norms and expectations of a society I’ve come to despise.
It truly feels like I have nothing to offer anyone. Nothing about me to inspire anyone. Just a waste of space. All I can do is be honest about my struggles.
I’ll be honest and say that I’ve been nothing more than a warning to others. A case study in mental health. Pay attention to my story if you want to know what happens when someone loses everything that makes them human.
Im looking elsewhere now. I don’t believe in any Deity and I don’t believe in humanity any more. I believe in myself now but not yet enough.
Thanks as ever for reading. You are why I’m still here.
Jamie x
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