Work, Rest & Play

Good evening, I’m back for another blog.

Quick note on what I’ve been up to. Working on the music, it going pretty well. I’ve gone back to my earlier track and hacked and rebuilt it and it is in better much shape now.

I can say now that I’m actually working on two songs at the same time and this week I’ll start on the artwork and be working on three parts of the project. I’ve decided to hold off on putting myself back out into the world until at least getting the songs and artwork published. Some pressure to get it done asap but it’ll take as long as it takes to make it good enough.

Some thoughts this week to chew on. It’s a good sign of the progress I’ve made that digging into the my deepest, darkest skeletons doesn’t fill me with dread anymore. In fact it’s been a source of deep profundity. I only normally get this insomniac obsessiveness over a train of thought when I’m anticipating some profound wisdom about something that has a deep logical beauty.

Like a beautiful mathematical concept that has so many facets.

I should say at this point that there has been a eureka moment where I understand the autism related factors and how they made me who I am in conjunction with external factors outside of my control. The deep burning shame I felt about things that weren’t my fault.

It is what it is and will continue to be. What I see differently now is the logical consequences of being forced to grow up too fast and how it left me playing catch up, playing a game I couldn’t possibly win.

Playing is completely the wrong word to use there. Quite the opposite in fact.

I had to work when I just wanted to play.

Even now, all I want to do is play. Even when needing a rest, just want to play. We humans grow up so we can look after ourselves and become independent, become productive and contribute.

Become responsible.

We become agents in the world and perform actions to achieve things. To do something with our lives. I don’t think I was ever prepared for adult life.

The first time I was told that when I grow up, I’ll have to get a job and work for a living, that may very well have been the first traumatic shock.

And I feel like an imposter in any job. I’m not ready for this and I don’t belong here. Only a matter of time until I’m exposed and punished.

At 40 years if age now, I’m still looking for adults to tell me what to do and how to do it. But asking for help is just so embarrassing. It was embarrassing when I was a child let alone now.

Why don’t people understand I’m still a child in an adults body. Why do they think I’m going to do the responsible adult thing? Well I do a good job of pretending.

I’ve heard it said that us autistics like role play and it’s the case for me too. That’s the real difference between work and play. Play is freedom.

The freedom to do what doesn’t need to be done. The freedom from demand and outcome in the real world. To act in the imagined world where reality can be simulated with no real danger, no real consequences for losing.

I was a fairly bad loser as a kid because of how seriously I took play time. Even when playing, you sometimes lose and experience outcomes you don’t want. It’s almost like meaning nothing objectively in reality means everything subjectively.

So why have I not yet followed my own blog-writing advice? I’ve been a hypocrite criticising everyone else’s childishness when I’m far more childish than most.

As I keep telling myself “I’m not ready”. And I don’t know if I ever will be. But I’m no longer ashamed of it. Not willing to beat myself up anymore.

This is something I would never have said before my autism diagnosis. I hear it a lot that autism shouldn’t be seen as disability but as a set of superabilities. It isn’t how I see it.

Now I have a diagnosed medical condition that resulted in a developmental delay that keeps me in a child like state without having fully matured. And it’s me that has to live with it, has to try and function as adult. And has to struggle day after day.

I don’t much look forward to having all my skeletons exposed to the world but it’s probably going to help me to finally get over a lifetime of hurt if I just go fuck it and spill the beans. Wash away all the muck from my inner self and have nothing left to hide.

Other than hiding my naive, vulnerable, sensitive soul from would be predators and exploiters that is.

It’s a test of how truly I can defeat the shame and be at peace with who I am and hence others too.

I’m only going to do that if I decide I want to do it and it doesn’t feel too much like work. And I don’t pressure myself either way. Treat it like role play.

In this regard it’s probably best to just write that in the journal rather than publish on the blog. Maybe publish if it actually succeeds in bleaching the demons and makes me sound cool in a dont-give-a-fuck way.

Anything that helps me shed the rotting corpse of who I was and allows me to finally be reborn is welcome.

Why should I continue to be afraid of public shaming when is stop shaming myself? A gentle reminder perhaps, something to always keep in mind, is that everyone has their own weaknesses and insecurities.

Anyone who would shame me for my weakness is more than likely projecting and deflecting. It would give me great pleasure to dispense justice and twist the knife.

But alas I’ve already been that person who hurts people I care about to deflect. And I’ve been hurt to the point that I don’t ever want to be hurt again. This is why I still believe mental health issues make us all worse people than we could otherwise be.

I don’t wish to stigmatize or demonize mental health struggles but I know more than most that it is a poison that spreads and does so much damage. The moral of the story is that we all seek happiness and fulfilment. We shouldn’t ever hide away from what we do to sabotage ourselves and why.

Use what we do have within ourselves to make our lives better. Work when we can. Rest when we can’t. Play when we can.

It’s your life and you are the boss, whatever happens. If you’re not the boss, rebel against your master.

Thanks for reading. Kindest Regards as always x

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The Destruction of Reason

Been working on getting back in touch with my moral compass and developing the framework of how to approach moral life.

Currently reading this meaty tome. An exposition of the background and causes of the rise of fascism in 20th century Germany. The central role of what is referred to as irrationalism and how reason, reality and history are erased in favour of romanticism and fantasy of myth and mystery.

Everything happens for a reason and those reasons are cause and effect. It’s becoming common today to see people demanding the world accept their irrational and ideological calls for change while simultaneously not giving a shit about how other people are affected.

It is common knowledge that the devastating economic effects of WWI led to the rise of Hitler. It less well spoken of that Germany was late to develop economically and had not been through the same cultural revolutions that prepared the way for democratisation.

Germany was also late to develop a national identity and it’s culture was still heavily influenced by irrational superstitions, believing that moral authority was the product of otherworldly supermen.

A loose collection of diverse small statelets whose commonality was found in being left out and bypassed from the economic expansions of the time. They came together looking for identity and above all, looking for an ancestry, a history.

Dependence on their “betters” was the overwhelming philosophy of the era thanks largely to the ruling classes entrenching their ill-gotten wealth.

Same old story eh? Of course Russia was even less developed than Germany but they skipped the bourgeoisie revolution in favour of the proletarian revolution.

Just to be clear I don’t call myself a Marxist or communist but my political leanings have always been influenced by humanism and equality. I’ve always been in favour of that which benefits people in reality.

I’ve seen and experienced the way fear twists a persons mind away from reality. In the micro my own fears came from the fact that I became totally dependent on being valued and wanted. The fear of being rejected caused the worst feelings I have ever felt.

I’ve made sufficient progress to be able to talk about it honestly. But yes, the way I felt meant that I was becoming a possessive, bitter jealous loser. I have no doubt that if I did ask her out and started a proper exclusive relationship with her, then I would have been intolerable. I think I always knew this so I never asked her out but when I was struggling I opened up and told her how badly I’ve coped with heartbreak in the past.

How many things I said and did that ultimately gave away what I hid for so long. That I was completely infatuated with her but it was always going to end up in a messy and destructive self-loathing.

The sheer desperation I felt at my worst and hurt that came from even innocent things that made me insanely jealous, that made me feel like a terminal loser. That feeling is something I never want to experience ever again. I just can’t go through that again.

And I slowly begin to accept that the girl I fell for didn’t really exist. The girl who made me insanely¬† desperate for affection didn’t really exist. I know that the fantasy version of her I fell in love with was who I thought I was in a relationship with.

Its difficult to fully come to terms with how far from reason I had chosen to go in favour of an irrational desire to be irrationally in love. It was thrilling, exilerating and life-affirming. Until it wasn’t.

But the hope came from believing that in some small way the fantasy might meet reality. Everything changed when I had to face a reality where my deep irrational fantasy was quashed.

I never wanted to become dependent on her and I never wanted her to be dependent on me. I always wanted her to choose me. But I know there were times when I wanted to be the only one she looked to for company. I guess I wasn’t a very good friend to her and I don’t expect she would ever want to be friends again.

All of that is why I’m dedicating my energy to becoming fully independent so I never become that desperate again. Most of my life has been without friends and I think I at least feel independent and free to do what I want albeit lonely and sad.

Lesson learning time. I guess I never really learned how to deal with true heartbreak as I never risked it. Well I finally met someone who I liked enough to fall in love with. I learned so much from her but only when we stopped being friends did I learn how to say “never again”.

I don’t plan on chasing a romantic relationship and not sure I even want friends in my life until I’m in a place where I feel bulletproof, that no one can ever make me feel inferior. And for that I’ve had to readjust my hopes and dreams.

I don’t ever want to do stuff I don’t enjoy for the sake of spending time with someone. I don’t know if I really want to enjoy anything to the point of depending on it to be happy. I want to learn how to be able to do anything and not need to do it to be happy.

Ultimately the desire to appear normal and enjoy the social life that everyone else enjoys was a big part of why I became so dependent on her. What am I trying to do now? How can I be both happy and independent?

By forging my own path through life and living in accordance with my values above anyone else’s.

In some ways I value reason above anything else. My way of understanding the world and the people in it is to look for the cause that explains the effect.

I’ve learned that I shouldn’t take to too much stock of other people judging me. The only criticism I would entertain now would be those who can accurately link the harmful outcomes of my behaviour to a specific cause and offer a better way. It seems like this is something I’ll have to do for myself and I prefer it that way now.

In the hunt for the secret of how to provide something good for my fellow humans, what I have to offer may be just teaching the wisdom of reason and advocating independence and sharing the benefits of living life by owns own rules. And forever warning against the dehumanizing effects of fascism.

Contradictions are what drive social evolution and I’ve only evolved when forced to overcome the real contradictions of life. There are happy times when we don’t want things to change but they must and they will.

Changes are underway at work but I’ll probably write about that another time. In short a lot of my colleagues are losing their jobs and my own job status long term is uncertain but probably safe for a couple of years at least.

I’m thinking positively and if the worst happens it’s an opportunity for change and I’ll try to make the most of it.

But for now I’m just getting on with things, avoiding other things, just doing what needs to be done. Taking my time, not knee-jerking, not chasing fantasy but following my head and not giving a shit.

Thanks as always for reading xx

Row, row, row your boat

Returning to the blog for a little ramble. It’s nice to be back into it. Taking a rest from blogging in the pub has been good because I feel some things have changed sufficiently for me not to feel bogged down in my struggles.

Been on call for jury service this week though I wasn’t needed in the end. It was rough going day after day being told that I’m still on call. Glad it’s over and glad I didn’t have to go in and attend.

Things have settled now to some extent but I’ve been feeling the usual pressure building up to get off my head drunk and lose the inhibitions.

The next thing to worry about is that I’ll be training a new colleague at work and it will be full training from scratch. It means I won’t have much time alone to work by myself at my own pace.

Work has been stressful recently as we’ve had to rush things in preparation for my jury absence which never happened in the end.

I’ve been taking the pressure off by succumbing to tiredness and lack and motivation to do the usual stuff to keep my mind busy. Spending more time just lazing watching new stuff online.

Still wrestling over the same issues but I think I’m seeing things more clearly and am less conflicted. It’s about time that I restart digging deeper and confronting the emotional pain I still hold.

Ive got a plan now at least. Might not work in any way but it’s a tactic at least. From watch have learned from mental health advice, I am going to have to begin to be my own shoulder to cry on.

I’m going to have to parent myself and offer the support and acceptance and validation and love that I can’t get from anyone else now.

And I need to get a consistent code of behaviour that I can get fully behind. A guide to direct me in my decision making. A system that governs me and is in line with my true values and my conscience.

Recent news that has become a hot topic for debate, with a lot of emotion behind it. Touching on the unwritten rules of public morality or more pertinently, a complete upending of reality in favour of dodgy, narcissistic ideology.

My heart goes out to those who speak the truth at huge personal cost in the face of foul abuse and it’s inspired in me a desire to walk the path of authenticity. To never again hide myself away from social judgement.

Because I’m more aware now of how intolerant and unaccepting people are towards those who say no. Those who rightly refuse to bow down to ideology and rightly defend themselves against increasingly predatory demands.

And to the painful thought that I became very selfish, very narcissistic, very demanding at my worst. I’ve made many excuses, used my autism as an excuse, demanded people understand that I had no choice because of my inability to deal with loss and change. I was never very good at not getting what I want. So most of the time I just don’t ask for anything.

And I’ve never been very good at dealing with criticism. And I absolutely cannot deal with the thought that someone might find me unlikable.

Its a been long, slow process to finally think differently. To begin believing that I’m actually better off being alone than try to desperately please someone who just doesn’t like me.

I guess I’ve had to face up to the fact that I had gone from someone deserved support as an innocent victim of a traumatic neurodivergence into someone who was just perpetuating a cycle of traumatic abuse.

Always much easier to see it in others than to see it in myself. Much harder to take responsibility and admit it.

It was all the trauma’s fault but I wanted other people to be traumatised with me instead of working to heal it and overcome it.

I find it easier to be told no, now I’ve started saying it myself. But of course I’ve been humbled by the experiences of others who face horrors worse than my own. Those who face the worst kind of abuse just for saying no.

It’s no secret that my recent experiences have left me feeling disconnected if not oppositional and adversarial to other people. Times like these I feel like it just might be the wise decision.

I am ultimately using this lonely time to rebuild myself and forge myself anew as someone who can finally stop pretending to be someone I’m not and be unafraid to be myself. It may be the case that I’ll never truly be able to do that around anyone I really care about and want to spend time with.

My own wellbeing should be more important than anyone else’s for the simple reason that I’m the one who has to live myself and I’m the one who is responsible for what I do.

Right now I don’t feel like putting myself out for anyone else. I’m not yet ready to do it for myself let alone anyone else.

We’re all in the same boat but some of us feel the crashing waves affect us more. I’ve taken the path of rowing my own boat in calmer waters but I’ve had to row it alone. To stretch the metaphor I’ve been rowing in the opposite direction to everyone else so it feels like I’m a hindrance while I’ve been going backwards.

But at least I can say that I’m rowing in the right direction and I should only choose to row with those who are aiming in the same direction.

That’s an issue I think a lot about. We’re all told that we should embrace what’s different and we shouldn’t judge those who are different by own standards.

I can sum up now why I struggle with people who are different. Because I don’t really feel like I’ve ever had enough people in my life who were rowing in the same direction.

I always have clinged on to anyone who I thought was similar to me and yet I always end up feeling abandoned to row alone, to face the currents of life without help and with only one rickety oar that might just break at any moment.

And well fuck it, at least I get to decide where I’m going now.

But to get back on track I need to overcome that source of pain that keeps me afraid to row because I can’t see any further than the choppy waters.

Stretching the metaphor to breaking point I need to learn how to actually enjoy rowing enough to get back in the boat.

It’s usually my fellow rowers who make the journey worth taking, who make the rough waters tolerable.

I’m a social creature by nature but I don’t know how to row the boat the way other people do it. Do you know what? I never wanted to be like anyone else. But I don’t know how to navigate life and the only thing I’ve learned is how to pretend I know just by copying what everyone else does.

And yet I can’t help but note that maybe no one else knows either. The real reason that we humans look for company because everyone needs a co-pilot at times.

Spend too much time listening to your co-pilot and all of a sudden people start to ask why they put any faith in you and start to look to the one who actually has an idea of where to turn.

Social life is all about letting people into your boat and them letting you into theirs. On the rare occasion that I got invited to someone else’s boat I always chose to set my own boat on fire and then cry over being thrown overboard.

To take the metaphor to its conclusion, it’s taken nearly 2 years to build myself a new boat and to gingerly test the waters again. I’d give nearly anything to have my co-pilot back but I like my own boat now and it needs more time and energy to maintain before I ever leave it again.

The obvious social advice is that I should be proud of my boat no matter what and that not everyone will like being in my boat and that’s fine.

To sum up, I’ve never really let onto my real boat. It sails the darker waters and goes only where I know.

Thanks for reading and excuse the heavy handed metaphor throughout but I felt it was working xx

Eyes opened again

Well to start off I should say that I have recorded a vlog which was illuminating but I’m not sure whether to post as I had a breakthrough and am starting to see the truth.

On the topic of healing my inner child by reforming my inner adult and bringing them together. I told myself something I needed to hear.

My inner adult just wasn’t good enough and he needed to do better. No more excuses. I made a promise to myself to actually parent myself because my anxiety probably stems from the fact that I cowardly hid away from taking responsibility for looking after myself.

Lo and behold, what actually happened after that? I began to accept some unpleasant truths that I had not yet faced up to. Regular readers may have spotted subtle references to this fact. I have been running away from the truth for some time.

First off I began to consider the unquestionable. That in fact I’m not who I thought I am and my real personality type is actually all that I had hated.

Yeah so I’m really an ISTJ, the exact opposite of what I thought. Although I should stress that my super/alter ego is an INFJ. This is where I go to when I mask and hide the truth.

I believed i was an INFJ and I think I’ve spent so much time in this state that I have lost track of which one is the good and the bad. The simple truth is that I’ve always been a boring robot but I have this dark side to me and I have grown more and more attached to the dark alter ego.

My life was simply too boring that my mind needed to escape into the fantasy role of this mystical genius, all-knowing safe who lives on another plane separate from reality.

What I’ve read about the super ego is that it wants to take control from the regular ego but it’s not really in control at all. Just thinks it is. Like the caretaker manager who takes over when the boss gets the sack. Except this one thinks it can do a better job.

And so here’s the full story of what happened. I fell in love with ISTJ autistic best friend. Sounds very narcissistic to say I fell in love with someone who basically is like me in every way.

But I had self-hated myself so much that I had flipped into my darker persona. So now we were the exact opposite.

I fell in love with her as a way of learning how to love myself but that never would have worked because I was splitting further away from my true self and I was living a lie, although I began to believe it more and more. Until it crumbled.

Our friendship was based on the fact that I had taken control by giving it away. I was completely narcissistic in intent but my body surrendered and I put her needs before my own every time.

As ISTJs we both need honesty, autheticity and trust. We both need to know who the other person is in reality to protect ourselves from getting emotionally hurt. And to a degree I think we both protected each other’s feelings at the expense of our own while hiding the truth.

And so a relationship between us would never have worked because we were too similar. Had the same strengths and weaknesses. It’s painful because I still love her and I still want to spend the rest of my life with her but it would mean both of us settling for similarity and not pursuing more complimentary relationships.

I think I’ve developed this dual identity because of how unfathomly lonely I’ve become but I guess I can call on the more mysterious persona to provide a bit of excitement.

It feels too late now for me to ditch the demonic mystic persona, I think it’ll be a part of me forever. But the way forward is to make sure they work together and don’t hate each other as they have done.

I will probably need to make one of them the master. Probably better to concentrate on regaining my ISTJ ego and making it the boss. This means looking to find a new or old routine that makes me happy and comfortable.

In a similar way I need to recombine my inner adult and child because they too have grown to hate each other but they can make amends.

I’ve already started to apply a method of meditation that helps the inner child and adult to reconnect. When I feel the deep anxiety in my chest I place my hand and feel the anxiety as a physical sensation through my hand.

I can feel that anxiety turn from a knot of tension into a blaze of heat energy that feels positively affirming.

This is my way of letting the inner adult take the pain away from the inner child. Not that I’ve produced an instant cure for anxiety or anything but I genuinely feel less afraid.

I went to the autism hub today and my old friends were there including she. We didn’t talk or even acknowledge each other’s presence but some mutual friends came up to me and asked how I was and were pleased to see me and invited me out.

I was nervous and I felt it would be good practise to put some boundaries in place by not jumping in feet first. I wasn’t quite ready as I didn’t want to chase the first offer available and desperately grab on to the old bonds with them.

I’m unsure about pursuing any new or old friendship until I’m completely healed and can say that I’m complete secure.

I said earlier that I was nervous, that was an understatement. What I felt was the pull of the masking alter ego. I felt like my identity was being ripped away and I was left as an unprotected and vulnerable child. It felt and still feels as though I’m about to experience the same horrific pain all over again.

And so I’m putting some boundaries up just to prove that I can. I have to respect myself. That is how I can parent myself.

It’s true what they say about compassion. We have vulnerabilities precisely because they engender compassion and here is where you’ll find it. However the world has more than it’s fair share of psychos who see people’s vulnerabilities as something to exploit for their own gain.

Needless to say that I think these are the people who are truly mentally unhealthy. They are unable to address their own insecurities and hence they take from others what they cannot give themselves.

And yes I admit I have done this. I have been the villain in my own play. I fell in love with my friend for the wrong reason. Because I needed to take from her what I could not give myself.

My inner child has been my moral core and he stood so strong despite being neglected. I’ve been so zealous in fixing my mental health issues because I just knew that they made me the villain I became.

Selfishness comes from need and need comes from insecurity. We can become secure as long as we learn how to parent and protect ourselves. I can perhaps now approach the issues by simply being there to hold my own hand instead of ruthlessly analysing every move.

Talking to myself. Getting used to hearing myself speak my own truths. It’s ok to feel hurt so long as you tell yourself you are hurt and you listen to how and why. If we repress all the hurt to avoid being vulnerable we carry that hurt through life.

Getting hurt is how we grow as people. I think I pursued love in such a way that I was looking to get hurt, looking to fail, because I needed to learn how to deal with getting hurt.

And yet I took things too far, got too hurt to deal with. Why am I still obsessed with this? Because I’m having to learn the hardest way possible. My issues are so deeply embedded and complex and I always knew it would take a long, long time to sort out.

Because like everything, I’m having to do it all alone. Doing it this way though, my victory will be all the greater and complete. If it ever comes.

Is all this rambling going to help me become confident and secure? It’s helping in a small way. I’ve got to learn to deal with getting hurt and I need to forever be honest about who I am and be honest about what I want and don’t want.

There’s a wonderful line from The Expanse TV show. “The only choice we really have in this world is to walk away” It was the right thing to do for me and her both to walk away.

Respect is everything for us and I only began to respect her when she stood up for herself and walked away. Earning my own respect has been extremely difficult. How could I possible do it until I addressed my own self-abandonment and become more assertive.

Yes, it’s about damn time that I respect myself.

Why am I so socially anxious? People can and will hurt me but I refused to acknowledge the hurt and refused to defend myself, thinking that I deserved it. After all, everyone else is normal and I’m the defective one?

Alas no, everyone is defective to some extent. I can be better than they are because of the journey I’ve been on. I’m so damn self-aware that I can see all of my faults, it’s time to stop getting hung up over them and just be.

It’s time to dig out that empathy and understanding. Be aware of who is willing to learn and who is stacking all of their problems on something else.

I should probably put a long read warning on this one but what the hell, take it as it comes.

Thank you so much reading, anyone who does. I love you very much on my own way

Jamie xx

I should probably put a

Alexithymia

Thinking about this topic today. Something I can work on.

The trigger for this was that I’ve currently got the house to myself for 3 or 4 days. When I first learnt this I got a feeling of positivity. I was genuinely looking forward to it, having some good quality alone time.

2 days into it and what have I been doing? Not a lot really, not much at all.

So what have I been looking for all along to make me feel good? What can I do to feel good when I’m alone? I know how good I felt when I was with close friends, people I trusted and felt comfortable to be around.

How does happiness work?

I start from a point where I’m unhappy as standard. By default. I’m at my happiest when I’m getting outside of my own head. Overanalysing everything is not much fun.

So it’s for this reason I think that I never really embrace and appreciate the feelings and emotions of the moment. My happiness is tied to a projection into the future whereby I’m either living a life I like or I’m not.

What really drove me was a sense of hope and optimism with a degree of expectation, that life would continue to go well and give me what I craved. Fulfilling my psychological needs for security and freedom. And when I say crave of course, the addiction to these feelings is a measure of how strongly I feel them.

I associate these feelings with a black and white definition of good and bad and hence why they are so strongly positive and negative emotions. I don’t feel like I’ve ever struggled to identify the different emotions but I think that I have misunderstood the nature of them and how what they really mean.

And of course I’ve never got the hang of how to deal with them in a healthy manner.

I tend to think of them now as the spectrum between love and hate. These are the pure feelings of the moment and sometimes I can just let myself feel them. But only when I’m in a calm place whereby I can switch my mind off.

Love is a feeling that represents the force of attraction, hate represents the force of repulsion. Love is addictive and is harder to appreciate and to express. Hate is easier to express but less tolerable to feel.

And so what were the emotions that guide the motions?

I think in my case that confidence causes love and fear causes hate. And yet I’m not really in control of the confidence or the fear. Precisely because I’m not in control of my own future. More than ever, the world is becoming gradually evermore insecure.

The complexity of my emotions stem from the fact that they’re not governed by the moment, but the implications and the hypothetical consequences to be derived.

What should have been joyful memories of a wonderful past full of hope now become a bitter stain on the present without a hopeful future.

Anxiety is really the expression of doubt and uncertainty feeding back into the fear response.

What of sadness and grief? They emerge after loss, but I think they represent something much deeper. These are emotions that I hate feeling because I hate the fact I’ve lost. Moreover, the feeling is of profound hopelessness that I can never regain what I’ve lost. That I’m doomed to have lost forever.

Thinking about this now, I see a deeper connection between emotions and the fundamental insecurities I have about life in general. I can see the real reasons why I can’t get over some things, why I can’t forgive and forget, why I usually break contact, why I can’t deal with conflicts.

The best thing to do now is to spend more time learning to be in the moment and not to saddle myself with the full force of expectations that every moment will determine my fate forever.

Easier said than done though. I asked myself what is the best way to make the most of being home alone. Is it to seek maximal pleasure at all times? Of course not.

I still don’t know what I can do by myself that will make me happy but I set out to prove to myself that I’ll have more freedom and safety. That I’ll be more confident and less restrained, less inhibited.

What I actually want to do with my temporary free time and space is to do things that build my confidence and give myself a platform to feel love again. To do so in a way that doesn’t put too much pressure on myself.

Last night I ended up falling into the same addictive trap by staying up all night watching youtube vids. Needless to say that I felt like crap today and struggled badly with work.

Tomorrow will be a day for doing better things hopefully. Find a good balance between activity and rest. I like to be creative but I’ve been having nagging doubts recently that my artwork and music aren’t really providing what I need to be confident. I’m doing it for myself but ultimately I’d want to share it with the world and I don’t yet feel it’s good enough.

I need so much time, space and energy to create something in a way that truly feels worthwhile. I want to be more balanced in my approach which would mean I can’t pursue things so single-mindedly. But then again, I’ve learned that I have to take things one step at a time so it’s just more natural to me to work on something until I’m happy with it, then move on to something else.

Organisational skills I really lack and this is something I should work on. Taking control of my life means actually managing my life. Being the boss, making decisions. There’s little worse than having a crap boss who doesn’t know what he’s doing. So why do I tolerate the crap job I do running my own life?

If I’m ever going to achieve the dream of being independent, I’d better make sure I can do it well.

Thanks as always for reading

Fond Regards,

Jamie

Day by Day

Things become that little more clearer. I continue to feel so traumatised because of how vulnerable I am around other people. It feels likely that everyday I’ve tread lightly around other people that I was bullied away from myself.

Every time those who care about force help me they don’t allow me to do what I need to do to help myself. Which is to be alone to ground myself. And to do whatever I need to do to take the pain away.

It fair to say now that I don’t trust anyone. Family have always been the hardest people to talk to because of how close we are and how, likely the case all along, that I don’t feel safe with family.

And in the end it turned out to be the case that the closest friends who you choose as your family hurt you the most.

I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life. But there are no words to describe how much I hate this life where I stuck living at home.

I do live my mom and have done for some time. I’m sorry if you’re reading this although I don’t think you follow it that closely.

I need to move away and find my own place I know you love me and care so much for me but I can’t ever be happy living with you. We’ve tried to talk about being honest with each other.

I’ve tried to tell you that I need to be more independent. I’ve tried telling you that I need you to be less mothering. You always tell me that’s just who you are.

I realised now why I virtually refuse to look after myself when I’m at home is because I need my own routines, my own methods, my own time, my own space, to develop the confidence to make it part of my day by day.

I need to eat when I want to eat what I want to eat. I’ll never learn what is the best way for me to do things when you just insist on doing things for me even when I ask you not to.

My mind and my inner world is chaotic. A large part of me needs a messy environment because I feel less exposed.

Most of all I need you not to make me feel shameful for expressing my pain because you and anyone else felt worried.

I spend all my time at home avoiding you because I hate not be able to walk down the stairs without you asking me if I’m ok.

I have so much anxiety because you have so much anxiety. And I’m the first one you come to to unload all of your stresses. I can barely deal with my own let alone yours.

I love you very much I want to be as kind and helpful as you are. I don’t think you’ve ever been able to understand or accept how truly screwed up I was becoming.

When I can learn to be independent and actually have my own life, I’ll be able to talk to you more freely and will enjoy seeing you.

I’m trying to learn how to say what I feel and not be afraid to upset you. This has been a particularly deep well of discomfort and I needed to get this out.

Thanks as always for reading.

Venting more darkness

I felt good letting the darkness out last time. Had an epiphany that helped me come to terms with things. It came from the fact that I was being myself and that I wasn’t denying myself.

My mood dropped again today as there’s new doubts and fears leaking up into my mind.

To that effect, I want to dig very deep into my core anxiety. Share deeply personal stuff that I’ve never been able to share before.

A common stigma that affect Asperger men like myself. I am a sad, insecure, jealous, controlling, coward in relationships. A bitter loser who can’t handle not getting what I want. And I’ve always known this so I always walk away when things rather than stand up for myself.

I also know the causes, that I repress myself so much because it’s tied up with my autistic social anxiety and sensitivity.

All the romantic relationships I’ve had have imploded very quickly and I don’t trust myself not to ruin everything.

I’ve known for decades that women are attracted to confidence and humility. Men who are desired know they are desired and consequently can strut through any room knowing they don’t ever have to struggle to attract attention.

I read that women feel more secure about a man when other women are competing for the man’s attention. They feel safer chasing when others are doing it.

It’s a different world I live in whereby I must reek of desperation. I may try to hide it and that of course is a fools errand.

I’ve only opened my heart truly to one person but the way things happened ensured that I was destroyed mentally.

It feels like I’m in a permanent state of autistic distress because my anxieties keep exploding. I had to confront what I had become but I needed closure to be able to move on.

I see now that the way I was brought up had a massive impact on how I developed. My mom kicked my dad out when I was 8 years old. I was a happy kid then but one day everything changed. I’m sure it affected my brothers in different ways but I had more in common with my dad.

We look at our own family experiences when we engage in relationships. I think for this reason I didn’t trust that I could maintain a healthy relationship. I don’t trust women not to reject me or ditch me.

My mom ending up raising me and my brothers single handedly so I was left somewhat alone and I didn’t have anyone to teach me how to be in a romantic relationship.

There were opportunities when I was younger but I was too self-conscious, too scared of being embarrassed.

I’ve never been able to face up to and conquer those demons, but that is who I am. I’m a man who loves hard and doesn’t let go. Everyone has told me that I should move on, let go, because it’s unhealthy and it’s bad.

So the end result is that I’m not allowed to be myself. Not allowed to feel what I feel. Guess what? I have to repress myself further.

I know deep down the truth that I need to learn how to love myself before I can ever love someone else in a healthy way. Everyone in my life will tell me how much they care about me and how lovely I am. But I need to be able to unleash the real me which is something I can’t do around people who I care deeply about.

I don’t think I am the person others think I am. I don’t know if the real me is the angry hate-filled person I am now or if that’s just because of the trauma I’m going through.

The real me doesn’t want to be around anyone anymore because I see how unable or unwilling people are to see the world my way.

The real me wants to just not give a shit about anybody. Who am I now is a compensation for all the times I put others first and got nothing in return.

When it comes down to it everyone says they are who are they are and I can’t change them. When I tell people I need something from them to accommodate my autism I’m not allowed to ask something that will mean others changing their ways.

If I finally become who I truly am, it will mean big changes for me and for those closest to me.

I never liked change and to be honest part of the reason I cling on is because I need to appear consistent in my behaviours. What I’ve gone through were changes that were demanded by others that I didn’t want and couldn’t deal with.

I stuck the course because I believed strongly that I was doing the right thing and because I was at my happiest point. It wasn’t me that forced my fears on others.

There are no words to express how utterly betrayed I felt by those who supported the lockdown and mask mandates when I pleaded with them that it was torture for me.

My plan for tonight is to get drunk and take my iPod for a dance around the Town Park. This is when I feel most connected to myself. I like going crazy drunk. I feel powerful yet enlightened in a way comes from dissolving my inhibitions.

It’s always been my way of coping with being alone. I drink to be alone actually. It’s always been the main way I can escape myself.

I can say full well that all of my unhappiness is my own creation. What goes in my head is my own brain.

But it’s my sensitivity to others and how their actions affect me that are the triggers for so much pain. All anyone has to offer me now is very selfish advice which sums up as I should stop being autistic.

Just maybe this is why I denied myself and my autism for so long. If people really knew how badly it affected me they’d soon stop caring quite so much.

I know how badly I need to get away from everyone that holds me back. Can’t get away from myself obviously, but I’m telling myself how much I need to be free and I’m responding with kindness.

A lot of people will tell you how the demons in your head that tell you bad things about yourself need to be vanquished. In my case the demons are the only ones who understood that I wasn’t providing myself with the life I crave. They were the only ones who told me the truth that I couldn’t face up to.

That my life truly wasn’t worth living if I continue to let fear rule my existence. If I let myself be taken hostage to the forces of others.

I don’t know what I love now. I feel now that I only love the demonic side of myself. But it doesn’t feel like there’s anything concrete left for me to pursue. Only overcoming myself.

Since I’m trying to become more confident without losing who I am, what is it that I can anchor myself to and aim towards?

Because everything in my life has felt like an escape from nihilistic emptiness. I want to do something that truly makes a difference to someone. So at some point I will want to re-enter the social world equipped with bravery and competence.

Most of all I want to feel free to enjoy life. It’s become impossible for me to do this while I’m stuck in grief and denial.

For 18 months or so I’ve only been happy by getting drunk and letting the demons take over my soul, rising above petty humanity and becoming something closer to pure darkness of not giving a flying fuck.

It would be so wonderful if I can get this feeling while sober. That is the aim.

I need to be unique. To be like nobody else. Who I am now is a deviation from the moral norms and expectations of a society I’ve come to despise.

It truly feels like I have nothing to offer anyone. Nothing about me to inspire anyone. Just a waste of space. All I can do is be honest about my struggles.

I’ll be honest and say that I’ve been nothing more than a warning to others. A case study in mental health. Pay attention to my story if you want to know what happens when someone loses everything that makes them human.

Im looking elsewhere now. I don’t believe in any Deity and I don’t believe in humanity any more. I believe in myself now but not yet enough.

Thanks as ever for reading. You are why I’m still here.

Jamie x

Venting some darkness

I think this blog is going to become mainly about finding a safe space to explore and release some of my deepest demons. It’s where my journey is going.

I’m more convinced than ever that I want to draw a line between the old world and the new. To be well enough to defeat the depression I need to distance myself from everything that reminds me of my biggest psychological defeat.

I’ve binned my last post as I’m not ready to talk publicly about it and I still need to work on it. But in thinking more clearly and with a little advice I’ve had to admit that I did what I did because I needed to finally put up the hardest boundary around myself.

That it was about protecting myself. And it was the right thing to do.

The beliefs we hold about are what truly makes us what we are. I hold such terminally abhorrent beliefs about myself for certain reasons.

One factor I could never consider before was that that it is part of my hidden disabilties. I can’t fundamentally see myself well enough to actually recognise.

I can only see myself through the eyes of others. Even strangers have this effect on me. To pull my mind away from itself and force it outwards.

Everyone always tells me I should believe in myself but I just don’t, and why would I?

I can’t stop myself from masking because there is no true face to present. Only a mental construction designed to please others.

The real reason I’m dependent on others to make me feel good is because the only voice in my head is the mechanical explainer, telling me exactly why I’m alone in darkness.

It’s time to admit how deeply different I see the world compared to the empty individualist culture I live in.

My autistic sensitivity is exactly the full crushing weight of the effects others have on me. It’s because of this I understand we live in a deeply shared and connected world where we are shaped and made by each other.

Although I am much more connected than anyone else. And it because of this that I am so unutterably decimated by the rejection and exclusion of experiencing the lives of others.

And the truth is that nobody understands the massive effect they have on me. People still expect me to accept that bad things happen and that I should always accept my losses and look elsewhere.

What makes so special and unique in this world is that I can look so sharply into someone’s heart to see the humanity and the lack of humanity.

I hold a mirror up to the world so that it can see itself. Truly the society we live in is defined by lies and selfish hypocracy.

I’ve wanted to get round to the Autism research of Simon Baron Cohen. He who has identified that autistic children tend to be slower to develop the “skill” of not blaming people for unintended harms caused. He calls this “skill” empathy.

Isn’t funny how autistic people are bad people for not being empathetic to the inadequacies of others while those who don’t understand the harm they cause should be understood?

Who are the real empathetic heroes amongst us?

Is it those who struggle with communication but are sensitive to others or is it those who can communicate but are insensitive.

Theory of Mind, it is called. Baron Cohen himself appears to be quite poor at this judging by the reaction of the Autistic community to his project of harvesting Autistic DNA.

In my experience it doesn’t matter who you are, the culture is driving us to hate each other and isolate ourselves from each other. To fear each other.

I’m not strong enough to fight it because I was the most vulnerable to it. I needed so much more from those around me to stay with me but in the ends everyone else’s needs came before mine.

I can’t hide anymore from the fact that I need to become stronger in myself. That I need to be better so that the people around me become better. I’m never going lose sight of what I need to make life worth living.

There is an art to believing in yourself. For truly who we are to ourselves is just a narrative. Walking the path alone requires some extraordinary bravery.

The story I tell myself now is how to keep myself going. That I don’t care for the pointless pursuit of shallow self-validation and virtue-signalling acceptance. “Be kind” is the motto of those who only care only hiding themselves from being challenged or critcised.

I would love anyone who actually sat down, read my words, and called out any bullshit I espouse. Because that would mean they cared enough about me to see my faults and engage with me to improve me. And teach me something.

I can’t remember anyone ever doing this since I was at school. Or maybe a blazing drunken fall out with an old drinking buddy.

I don’t see myself as a human being because people don’t treat me like one. People treat me like a child. Maybe I needed to treated as an adult in order to become one.

Maybe treating me like a child is what stopped me from growing up.

I don’t want to blame all of my problems on others, but I see so clearly how my development as a person was determined by all my interactions with other people.

I can’t stress enough that the culture we live in demands every person is his or her own boss, master of destiny and responsible for everything they do.

When horrible things happens to you it’s all your own fault because you are an individual God of your own existence. Everything that happens to you is your own fault and your responsibility to deal with.

And everything you call evil is a projection of your own evil.

It is not hard for me to understand why our culture tells us this. Because they take everything everything they can from us and tell us to blame ourselves.

I’ll end this post on a cheery note. I’d happily see these people burnt to death.

This has been liberating.

Thanks for reading. Kindest Regards as ever x

Overcoming Insecurity

Getting out the house for this Good Friday. Finally booked plenty of time off work.

It’s been a good few days I guess. In particular there’s been a couple of dreams that helped me process how I am.

The first of which was a way of confronting my biggest insecurity. It helped me to accept on some level why I acted the way I did.

The second was just raw processing dialogue. The exact nature of it faded with awakening but I was left with memory of asking myself what do I actually want?

Every question was answered with a resounding no. I don’t want A. I don’t want B. I don’t want C…

So many things my body and mind were telling that I wanted. That I had to aim for and hope for to make me happy.

And yet there was so much that I just didn’t want to do because there was so much discomfort and stress.

It was all worth it. Until it wasn’t.

What I’ve always was to experience love and to love the people and world around me. Being autistic means that I rarely have the luxury of choosing how to react and choosing to be positive.

They say that you can’t control the external in this world, you can only choose how you act. You can’t control how you feel but you can control how you act.

Being autistic has meant that actually I have little control over how I react. The brain is hardwired to act upon such extreme emotions.

The key for me I think will be when I stop obeying the rigid logic of my predictable reactions and when I can begin to finally open myself to a new way of looking at things.

I haven’t truly liked myself for a long time. Always needed someone else to like me. Always needed to be loved before I could love.

I no longer want to stubbornly cling on to this sense of self identity as it always bring me to the same loneliness. Now I just want to fundamentally erase the same old anxieties and insecurities.

It would essentially mean being able to choose to act differently and I would be free to love again.

I remain cynical of the cliched truisms of self help and toxic positivity. Is gratitude something that I can possibly feel when things become awful.

Only if I assume that life is crap by default and that any joy is a bonus.

I don’t really like who I have become as I coped with the most painful loss of my life in the only way I knew how. By shutting down my humanity and becoming the worst version of myself.

I wish to become the best, or at least better version of myself. Except I could only be that person when I had somebody who actually showed me that they would choose to spend their time with me.

The real reason i am the way i am is because there’s a life out there that I desperately want but I can’t find the balance of being happy and comfortable without becoming dependent and insecure.

I realised that I was so totally in love because we were both kids at heart who just wanted to play games and watch films and have fun without the pressures of adulthood and relationships.

And yet I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her and just couldn’t deal with how things changed.

There were and still are demons inside me that turned me into a distant and hateful figure.

At times like these when I feel such strong insecurity, the only way I’m ever going to overcome them is to be brutally honest and open about them. So that way I can finally learn that I ought not to fear myself.

I bitterly regret that I let my deepest fears and insecurities rule me and hence ruin the first real love I’ve ever felt.

I may very well follow this up tonight or over the Easter weekend. Thanks for reading and the kindest regards as ever.

Jamie