Getting out the house for this Good Friday. Finally booked plenty of time off work.
It’s been a good few days I guess. In particular there’s been a couple of dreams that helped me process how I am.
The first of which was a way of confronting my biggest insecurity. It helped me to accept on some level why I acted the way I did.
The second was just raw processing dialogue. The exact nature of it faded with awakening but I was left with memory of asking myself what do I actually want?
Every question was answered with a resounding no. I don’t want A. I don’t want B. I don’t want C…
So many things my body and mind were telling that I wanted. That I had to aim for and hope for to make me happy.
And yet there was so much that I just didn’t want to do because there was so much discomfort and stress.
It was all worth it. Until it wasn’t.
What I’ve always was to experience love and to love the people and world around me. Being autistic means that I rarely have the luxury of choosing how to react and choosing to be positive.
They say that you can’t control the external in this world, you can only choose how you act. You can’t control how you feel but you can control how you act.
Being autistic has meant that actually I have little control over how I react. The brain is hardwired to act upon such extreme emotions.
The key for me I think will be when I stop obeying the rigid logic of my predictable reactions and when I can begin to finally open myself to a new way of looking at things.
I haven’t truly liked myself for a long time. Always needed someone else to like me. Always needed to be loved before I could love.
I no longer want to stubbornly cling on to this sense of self identity as it always bring me to the same loneliness. Now I just want to fundamentally erase the same old anxieties and insecurities.
It would essentially mean being able to choose to act differently and I would be free to love again.
I remain cynical of the cliched truisms of self help and toxic positivity. Is gratitude something that I can possibly feel when things become awful.
Only if I assume that life is crap by default and that any joy is a bonus.
I don’t really like who I have become as I coped with the most painful loss of my life in the only way I knew how. By shutting down my humanity and becoming the worst version of myself.
I wish to become the best, or at least better version of myself. Except I could only be that person when I had somebody who actually showed me that they would choose to spend their time with me.
The real reason i am the way i am is because there’s a life out there that I desperately want but I can’t find the balance of being happy and comfortable without becoming dependent and insecure.
I realised that I was so totally in love because we were both kids at heart who just wanted to play games and watch films and have fun without the pressures of adulthood and relationships.
And yet I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her and just couldn’t deal with how things changed.
There were and still are demons inside me that turned me into a distant and hateful figure.
At times like these when I feel such strong insecurity, the only way I’m ever going to overcome them is to be brutally honest and open about them. So that way I can finally learn that I ought not to fear myself.
I bitterly regret that I let my deepest fears and insecurities rule me and hence ruin the first real love I’ve ever felt.
I may very well follow this up tonight or over the Easter weekend. Thanks for reading and the kindest regards as ever.