It’s been a wild emotional journey this last couple of weeks. Quite a lot I should talk about. Will try to get as much down as I can tonight.
Having some more time off work I managed to attend the local autism hub drop in. I knew there was a possibility that my old friends would be there and I was dreading it.
Sure enough they were there. As I prepared myself for it, I inevitably hid myself away in a corner.
I didn’t really want to be there but I stayed for a short while. Ending up leaving early enough so I didn’t have to confront them.
Having finally at least put myself in the position of possible confrontation I did reach an understanding. That i was still a long way off where I want to be.
But more importantly having chosen to leave and be by myself, that i was able to see things slightly differently and be more patient with myself.
I realised something I’ve been avoiding thinking about. I know what it is about my autism that really hurts me is the lack of meaningful connection to people.
A lot has been written about Theory of Mind and how it can be a deficiency for those of us who struggle with it.
From those neurotypicals who only see the lack of empathy from our side. What people truly don’t see is how fundamentally isolating it is.
To be in a room full of friendly people but feel totally alone in your own plane of existence.
To feel like there’s no point being there and that I might as well not exist in any significant way.
That no matter how much people care and want to understand, they will never experience anything of the internal world as I feel it.
For a few days I’ve been generally building myself for walking away from everyone and actually being alone. In the vague hope that I will learn how to make myself happy and dedicate the rest of my life to my own happiness.
I dreamed of her again before waking up yesterday. In the dream I was trying to get her to talk to me and she didn’t. But then I didn’t need her to.
I saw her dancing without any fear or anxiety and for that moment I loved her more than ever. I just felt pure love for she was and the for the first time in a long while I didn’t want or need anything from her.
I was so grateful that she was happy and free.
And I felt happy and free too.
The truth is that no matter what anyone says I always feel better when people around me are happy and enjoying themselves.
I’m getting tired of people who don’t understand what it’s like telling me that I shouldn’t care what anyone else thinks about me. That is who I am.
I’ve only met one person in my life who really understood and showed me such acceptance and made me feel connected to someone.
She inspired me to dream of a happy life and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.
I still do and think I always will.
To be continued