It was the connection that I needed more than anything. Because without I simply stop caring.
There was a reason I simply couldn’t stay friends. I distinctly felt that we could no longer give each other anything but anxiety and fear.
I’m not ashamed about how I became consumed with negativity throughout the 2 years of covid measures and I’m proud of how hard I fought to stay connected.
But I always knew deep down that I had a become a source of fear for her.
And that I was desperately dragging her down into my own personal hell. It’s true what they say about misery loving company.
I want to be a force for good in anyone’s life. But in her case I wanted to be so much more than that.
The world is such a relentlessly horrible place to focus on. I want now to escape it for a while so I can be free from anxiety and pain.
My favourite Twitter account recently posted something which I’ll share at some point. We all need friends, I don’t care what anyone says.
It would help me now to have friends and maybe without the hyperfocus I usually bring. I don’t blame my old friends for being distant while I’ve been craving attention.
I can maybe be more casual if I’m feeling good about myself and can be grateful for the company.
But I’m looking for someone who will break through the walls I build around myself and make me feel connected again.
I think I was always looking for something truly worth fighting for. The most unlikely love story that only only a maniac like myself would ever pursue. And I can honestly say I simply wasn’t interested in anything else.
Ultimately the story would only ever have a happy ending in the realms of fantasy.
There’s maybe a lesson there about turning fantasy into reality. It’s lost on me, I’m afraid.
I guess this weeks unsolvable conflict is that I need to be inspired before I can inspire anyone else but no-one can inspire me until I inspire them.
All I can do is try to inspire myself by pushing against the anxiety and slowly changing myself into someone bolder and braver.
My final point here is how I really need to stop viewing the world through such an unforgiving moral lens.
I’m never going to be happy until I can be at peace with those who I still associate with so much hurt.
It’s the people around me who define so much of my world. I just hope that people can me joy again.
Thank you for reading. I hope it’s of benefit.