Just going to add a little bit more here but I’m reminded now that everytime I write on here, it clarifies the feelings I have. All I want, regardless of how it happens, is just to be happy again.
Just to stop feeling the way I do now.
There are so many memories that evoke feelings of sadness. Some of these frequently feel such a strong impulse that they are associated with deep fear. They are to be avoided at all cost.
I’m long overdue for a good cry. Last time I had a good cry I posted on facebook how it was a victory.
This is often the way I am but when I stop feeling angry and bitter, the feeling is just replaced by pure sadness, longing for what’s missing.
It’s the most firmly held belief I have, that has been the iron-clad centre of my being for all 39 and half years of my life, that I need to feel loved by someone else to be truly happy. All the advice I’ve had received seems to suggest that I simply choose to be happy.
The thing about true beliefs are that you can’t just simply choose what to believe in. The real appeal of fantasy seems to be that you can choose to believe anything you want, the rules of reality no longer seem to matter.
I’d very much like to take a break from reality and reengage with fantasy again. I’ve been reading the old Fighting Fantasy gamebooks that I was obsessed with as a kid and I have a desire now to create my own. It’s an interesting avenue for me to properly launch my long-held creative writing ambitions.
Thank you so much again for reading.
If you defeat the evil wizard, turn to 400.