Posting some thoughts tonight. Plenty of inner turmoil at the moment, lots of introspection.
I’ve currently switched obsession so now I’m reading a fascinating blog by David Livingstone. Oreo Ab Chao it’s called. I hesitate to post a link as I can’t really recommend anyone else read it unless they really want to.
The central topic is the long history of occultism through Western religions and particularly it’s exponents of the European monarchies that survives today in the form of White Supremacy.
And let’s be honest it always was about that.
The development of science, maths and enlightenment is paved over countless corpses.
As I began to absorb the details I couldn’t help but recognise the fact I identify with those who gloried in subversion of moral norms and those who pursued higher esoteric knowledge.
And yet they are associated with so much horror.
The more I think about it now, the reason why I dont surround myself with people like me is because I don’t actually like those people.
It’s perhaps not difficult to conclude that I don’t like myself deep down. And drifting further towards that which I really don’t like.
I like what’s different. And yet I can’t myself be different to myself.
It’s coming up to a year since the day when I lost the friendship of the one person who made life worth living. She who’s affection I needed to bring out my good side.
I plan to start living again and will probably use the anniversary as jumping point. Some preliminary work to do before then.
Too much escapism is the problem. It seems to me that escapism in fact the strongest of prisons. Escaping the drudgery of reality is exactly what anchors the human spirit deeper and deeper. A self-defeating abberation.
I think I’ve finally found a path forward. Who I am is someone who just wants to be free to walk the path. I am both the light that leads the way and the darkness that hides the way.
I’m less afraid of the path now that I know that the light and dark are not at war with each other but are in fact and have always been a team.
It always was the guiding principle that I want to be a force for good in the lives of others. Now I know that I can do this without being subject to my own internal warfare.
I am not at war with myself anymore.
Thank you for reading. I hope it was as good for you as it was me for me.