Quickly sharing my track, really enjoying listening to it.
Something strange yesterday. Had a rare feeling of contentment, pride and a sense of self-assuredness.
The ongoing project is to feel totally at ease with being myself, whatever that may be.
I feel a growing sense of being fundamentally proud of myself. Despite the fact that I will still be uncomfortable in some situations, I feel more secure and more fiercely myself.
As someone who sees the world as very black and white, I always imagined that learning to love myself would mean I had embraced an inner narcissism.
But the truth is I would be much better off that way than to continue living the opposite. A life devoid of self-esteem and self-worth.
My desire is to be both, all and anywhere in between. Because that would be so much more interesting than the maddening control of trying to hold on to who I am.
As for the innate desire to be social again and have a colourful life of friends and social activity, will being more secure make me more comfortable and ease the nasty social anxiety?
It may very well do so but more likely is that I will do better on my own.
Is the key to defeating loneliness having friends or being your own friend, the only friend you need?
My biggest autistic trigger has been when I felt excluded from social groups. All of it combined; rejection, abandonment, humiliation, not belonging among the liked and respected.
All the best memories I have are when I felt part of a social group. When I had a group of friends where I felt I belonged.
I ask myself now, how can I give myself the same feeling so I don’t feel so fearful of being excluded?
By pursuing everything that makes life worth living on my own terms.
I still hold on to the dream of producing something that brings me not just validation but respect and that is valued and desired by others.
That way I will feel that I am valued in the world, not just because of abstract caring but because I earned it.
But yet the only person I need such validation from is myself. I can maintain the high standards I expect from myself only as long as I interest myself.
At this time I am benefiting from having space to grow and expand my sense of self to a bigger feeling of self-empowerment. I still miss my friends deeply but the journey I take now is one which hopefully make me such a better version of myself.
I feel more comfortable admitting now that overcoming every hurdle I put in front of myself is what truly interests me now.
I say this because I’ve been to the very bottom and this is what I have to do to make a life worth living.
I surrendered so much of myself to be a social animal that I felt robbed when I was pushed away. It was the most painful experience ever because I needed to feel cared about, but at the same time I was building my own prison around both myself and those whose affection I needed.
My time spent with autistic friends taught me that we need to be free to be ourselves. We need a lot in life to feel safe, comfortable and happy.
As human beings we all need certain things, as for us neurodivergents, some small amount of normalcy applies. But ultimately we respond differently to life.
I understand that I am deeply affected by addictive needs and as long as they give my life a purpose, I will happily march to their beat. And I shouldn’t be ashamed or let anyone else tell me what is good or bad for me.
It’s taken me a year of hell to reach this point and I’ve needed this hell to finally understand what it actually means for me to be autistic.
We can often feel strangled by the neurotypical world. It’s up to us to make a world for ourselves and for that we need to understand ourselves and be empowered to be ourselves.
I’ve spent a great deal of time wrestling with the conundrum that I don’t feel any connection to anyone of any neurotype. Well now I’m feeling making the most difficult connection I know.
The scariest and most alien, but the most rewarding connection.
To emphasise I’ll use the biggest and boldest letters. MYSELF.
The monumental task of keeping myself interested doesn’t seem quite so scary anymore. Because I know what makes me feel free to be myself.
The Great Work doesn’t feel so onorous anymore. In fact it is simply the function of self-satisfaction writ large.
Thank you for reading. I feel so much stronger now. Never surrender.
Kindest Regards to you whoever you are and whatever battle you face in private x