Did begin writing a blog post a couple of nights ago. In the end I was too drunk to post it but it was a pretty self-pitying and angry piece and I’m glad I didn’t post it.
I’m a big believer in everything happens for a reason and by that I mean everything has a direct cause or causes.
I get joy from play like anyone else. But through the darker times of full blown depression, it’s easy to lose the ability to feel happiness. Playing with others who liked the same things I like was truly what lifts me up.
The world can be a dark place when you are on your own.
I do struggle to live in the real world sometimes. I pushed myself towards life when I had what was, ultimately, when my psychological needs were being met.
When they aren’t, that’s when I ultimately take the escapism route towards fantasy.
I ask myself if that’s what life is for most people. That everything people do for fun is to escape the meaninglessness of existence by distracting themselves with some flight of fantasy.
Of course I can’t ever truly escape myself.
I recently started watching some videos of famous Zen Buddhism guru Alan Watts. Literally a couple of hours later his name came up when I was reading about occultism and it’s relationship to early transhumanist movements.
The core concept that shines through is the unpalatable idea that humans are bad, weak creatures who should be “improved” in some way or “uplifted”.
I’ve felt for a long time that mental health issues require help, not to be defined or redefined, characterised, categorised or labelled.
It feels like the stigma is attached and we are exploited to suit an agenda of those believe they provide a “solution” to any human ills.
I’ve no doubt that I’ve been heavily influenced by the same ideology as I’ve lacked healthy relationships with other people.
It’s the biggest source of conflict now that the escapism of fantasy contradicts my deepest held values but I find it hard to hold onto my humanity.
Essentialism, if I’m using the term correctly, I think it means to treat something or someone as if they are defined only in terms of an “essential” characteristic.
To give an example, how a negative person can be seen as only ever to be negative without the possibility of change. Without the possibility of being anything else.
Only those who give themselves totally to positivity are to supported and anyone who doesn’t is the enemy of positivity.
I sense in this case, what has been termed “toxic positivity”, and this is what some are faced with when what we need is support and acceptance.
I’ll know if I ever truly beat the depression that I will genuinely love my fellows humans while acknowledging that I may not like some people, that it will always be better to give help and support rather than bitter recrimination.
But I’ve got so much healing to do yet. I don’t want to be scared anymore and I don’t to be angry either. Feeling angry made me a little less scared and it was justifiable anger and I could not have reacted any other way.
But at the same time I understand how scary it can be for others and the truth is I get scared when other people are angry.
I can do as much i can to be more positive, but really I see so much wrong with the world today. I felt truly abandoned and betrayed when the caring, loving, society told me that it couldn’t help me. And it’s actions told me that they were not even on my side.
Because society is itself suffering a mental health crisis and I believe hatred of humanity and selfish escapism fantasy have always underpinned the culture pumped out daily.
Everyone sees the cruel exploitation under the cover but no-one is prepared to fundamentally challenge the established order.
In order for me to finally begin to be myself and take charge of my own life I’ve needed to separate from a society that I had become too attached to. And it remains a painful experience.
The more time I spend isolating myself, the lonelier I get, and the greater my need is for escapism.
I think I will end up needing to move on and leave my old life behind to fully heal and become mentally healthy. But I still want my old life back, next time hopefully it will be a better version of my old life.
There is a lot I have to be grateful for. I’m more financially secure than ever before and still have so much freedom.
Life is all work and no play. The hardest part is still to come, to take those real steps to actually stand up and take ownership of my life.
I’m actually doing really well as I’ve had a week off work to rest and recuperate, though I’ve procrastinated on making that first step towards moving on.
Times like these I reflect on how much progress I’ve made. I’m truly proud of how I hold on to my humanity despite the nagging negativity.
I’m probably right now the calmest and most confident and open that I’ve ever been. It stills hurts that no-one ever reaches out and asks me out, that no-one actually chooses to interact with me except only to worry.
I’m learning that I never again want to prostrate myself and beg for attention and affection off anyone because it is absolutely soul-crushing to do so.
My time is so precious to me that I’m not interested in proving anything to anyone and I’m not interested in anyone who has surrendered to a protective bubble of intolerance.
A little more off my chest. Thanks for reading as ever. Kindest Regards.