To be driven again

Busy, busy, busy. Keeping my mind tuned towards always working on some project. Haven’t switched off and rested for a while.

Gotta book some time off work soon. I’m in the very strange position of preferring to be at work rather than having time off.

Pretty tiring all in all. Haven’t taken time out to reflect on things. I know that really I’m just bored with life and am seeking out some thing to get my teeth into.

Making music while raw learning about sound design. Playing computer games rarely. I’m back into my old love of Fighting Fantasy gamebooks.

I’m treating everything as a puzzle that wants to be solved and I’ve always milked every ounce of joy I can where I can.

Until i get bored or more likely burned out.

This year I feel will be a long period of transition. Don’t really know where my life will take me or whether I will take control of where my life goes.

I only can and will focus on one thing at a time and these days… well it’s all about keeping the boredom at bay.

I’ve got an opportunity to catch up with some old friends but I’m still very apprehensive about putting myself back into a social environment.

It also means being in the same group as an ex which ended badly and I’m still very awkward and nervous about confronting it even after 15 years.

One thing I have to thank my autism for is that I never forget the strong emotions of the past. I don’t change over time. People I’ve met in the past will see me as if no time has past.

I’ve got so little out of life that I wanted to get so I’m never just able to move on with the times. I’ve always done what I believe will get me the most happiness but it just hasn’t happened yet and I’m still chasing things the same way as if time stays still.

The truth is I simply don’t know how to adjust to the changing of the times and I feel more comfortable now being by myself.

I’ve been attempting to create a world for myself so I don’t need anyone else in it. Trying to fill the gulf that was my old social life.

The only thing that matters to me now is being really good at whatever I do. I dream of being respected and admired for my work. Or failing that, just to produce something that I admire myself.

It feels good to be driven again. I’m proud of so much I’ve had to do and done to get where I am now.

I don’t know if I’ll ever attain what I need to feel totally secure and confident in myself. I don’t really plan on ever settling as there will always be something to work on.

This is the path I will always walk. Nothing will ever be quite the way I want it and I’ll always be driven to maximise the good and exorcise the bad.

Choosing the hardest path in life has always been my way of living a life to be proud of. Choosing the easy path of avoidance has always been a source of so much fear and anxiety.

Do I feel like I need to suffer to justify my existence? I think I need both the joy and the pain.

I know which I would prefer but it doesn’t matter at the end. As long as I can look myself in the mirror and say that I did my best and gave myself a reason to never give up.

I feel the urge to be myself yet I dream of burning like the brightest star. I will burn as bright as possibly can while I learn more and more of how to burn brighter than I ever have before.

If I can’t be the dazzling supernova then I don’t feel worthy of making the effort. This is why I’m so obsessed now with overcoming the limits I keep imposing on myself.

It felt so good to write this one for a change. Thank you as always for reading.

Jamie