Anhedonic

Had a fairly tiring week at work today but some good news today. I’m now fully accredited across the whole book of business just as I finally sorted a tech issue that I’d been putting off for a while.

My mood remains entrenched at the low end for a number of reasons. I’m still not feeling any easier socially. Have been back to my old pub quiz team that I was a regular at around the time of my diagnoses.

I didn’t really feel that comfortable and it was a reminder that it wasn’t what I wanted, more just something else to fill the time and break the loneliness.

Got a couple of other issues that I need to sort out this weekend as well as having a long overdue clean up.

Some time off work is much needed to recharge my batteries. Went to my quiet local pub for a drink and there’s a large family party here so I doubt I’ll stay here long.

Haven’t had a proper walk for a while. Might go for a walk in the dark through the town park.

Getting a distinct sense that I’m reaching anhedonia again. I realised today just how much I’ve needed to mask and become someone else to have friends and have fun and feel safe around people.

Which would also keep me going when I spend too much time alone.

I think I crossed over the red line. I haven’t really forgiven or forgotten and now I don’t want to mask anymore.

I could handle spending the rest of my life alone if I found things that can give my life some meaning and keep me interested.

Still everything is just a means to keep surviving and keep the madness at bay.

Observing the social world online and it’s various cliques and cultures. We live in a memeified world whereby everyone wants the world to reflect only what’s going on inside their own head.

Only communicating with signs and symbols and slogans the cult demands. Only sharing a very narrow spectrum of experience that the cult demands.

There’s a widescale proliferation of devoted worship and following of those who share nothing but their own reactions, their own beliefs, values and emotions.

“Wow, I felt the exact same way you did.” Of course I blame social technologies for this.

The great philosophical question of what it means to be human lives on. Society today continually codifies our shared existence as one of mutual simultaneous reaction to and deification of ones own inner feelings.

Is it me or does everyone “live life” only as a means to achieve adulation from virtual friends on computer screens.

Dressed up in the deceptive language of inclusivity and community, the technosocial world is a shallow set of cabals and cults. A poor shadow of humanity.

Thanks and kindest regards