Balance, Anxiety and Talking Shit

Going to start the blog off by saying that I’ve fallen into the usual trap of writing stuff from one perspective and ending from another. It feels like much of what I wrote last time will soon be contradicted or at least come in to some sort of conflict.

But yeah it’s a been a difficult day. Been anxious from the moment I woke up though I have been able to calm down this afternoon. Sunday struggles have become routine. And Saturdays as well let’s be honest.

You look forward to the weekend all week because you’re free to do your own thing in your own time. It used to be a case of putting pressure on myself to do something that I love and then just not getting into gear. Not finding the motivation to do much if anything until I find a place where I’m at least engaged.

It still is the case to some extent but now I don’t really feel like doing anything. Anything I do enjoy I’ve already been doing too much. Getting bored. Wanting more. More variety. All while being too anxious to try anything new. Can’t think well enough to plan to do something that needs planning and coordination.

These are the conflicts that I feel with everyday. Too tired to do anything that requires preliminary work. Just want to get straight in feet first.

Having a full time job means we good chunk of my week isn’t free but under the conditions of having to do something without much choice.

Under pressure to meet more demands now that I’m in a position of having more responsibility.

Times to knuckle down and do the real world stuff. Times to lose yourself in escapism. Both if those represent a functional need. But they’re in conflict. I wrote a long time ago about needing to find more balance in my life which is hard because of my black and white binary nature.

I need time alone to strengthen myself but I also need time with friends to lessen the burden and maybe have someone to share my life with.

So I started the day with a bad dream. The kind that leaves you shaken and fearful. It’s a dream I’ve had before and it’s impact hasn’t lessened.

Once more I dreamed of her. She was different now and I tried to talk to her but she dismissed me as someone who she had written off out of her life.

It showed me that I still want to be friends again and that she can still hurt me emotionally. I still love her despite everything that happened.

The same anxiety about being hurt that stopped me from staying friends with her.

But I’ve applied the useful advice I’ve picked up. No matter how hard or how long it takes, I sat down and digged deep. What is the root of what I’m feeling? What is the cause? What is the problem that needs to be resolved. How can I try to resolve it?

How far am I willing to go to resolve it. What will happen if it can’t be resolved?

So what it is that’s so important to me cause such anxiety? If the worst case happens, what do I have to fall back on?

I’m willing to put myself out there again so long as it doesn’t derail what I’m doing now which is to forge the relationship I’m building with myself.

Balance again. Balance the demands of caring for others with caring for myself. Doing both at the same time. Any conflict that would prevent that is either overcome or it isn’t.

In this virtual age there are alternatives to IRL friends. Its not quite the same but it’s better than nothing. I reminded of the main reason I fell in love with the Mass Effect video games.

Your squad of loyal friends. Facing up to existential threats with people by your side. People from wildly diverse alien species who share a common bond. They are a family, much closer than the family your born with.

They get to know you and trust you. They believe in you and they would follow you into hell. No matter how much we trust in ourselves having those people in your life makes everything better.

All along I’ve been preparing myself for returning to friend-seeking because I don’t really want to live the rest of my life alone. But I’ve needed to find a place where I’m happy alone. I’ve needed to find some way to deal with loss and that has come from being able to live with myself again.

I’m basically trying to learn how not to be afraid and that has meant dealing with being afraid. So I guess I ask the question what is anxiety anyway?

When I get anxious I get shaky, very shaky. Its like being hungry. I don’t know whether it’s a similar physical issue or not but there’s a sense of being too weak to stay in control. My body just decides to shake and there’s nothing I can do about it.

When I started going to the autism hub I read plenty of related material and the first thing that truly struck me was the idea that may brain goes into fight/fright/freeze/fawn mode. It gets stuck there. A physiological response that is not supposed to happen but does.

For many reasons I frequently don’t feel safe because I don’t have the experience of dealing with whatever sets my triggers off. Coping strategies have been there when really needed but they alone don’t let you actually deal with anything in a way that counts.

Historically, your rational brain goes AWOL in the presence of danger but in my case it goes in the presence of change and doubt. Insecurities and worries.

On to masking. I usually only mask when I’m around others because it was the first coping strategy I learnt and because well… it worked. There are many things that I can’t hide from myself. Its usually when I’m in social mode that the mask goes on forcefully enough to fool myself.

Any anxiety I feel is the first thing I actually hide from others because it’s always been a source of shame. In terms of promoting awareness of autism I shouldn’t hide this stuff. If people don’t understand me it’s probably because of how well I’ve hid it all from everyone.

I think to start with, I don’t need to stop masking entirely. Find the balance. Masking has kept me sane and protected me from a lot but it created too many problems.

It was a wild ride when I took that mask off and began to unleash my personal demons on Facebook. No one expected it and no one reached out to me as they were probably too scared about making things worse.

At that time I really just needed someone to reach out to me. I was craving attention to be honest because I’d finally felt the impact of having hid my true feelings away for so long.

Finding the balance. I’ll keep on saying that. Mask sometimes when it’s beneficial. Be honest when it’s beneficial. Don’t make either so routine to lock yourself in.

Of course don’t bottle things up. Easier said than done.

I’ve gotten back into making music and a new track will be done soon. A new concept for my next concept album. The concept is building/forging/finding/strengthening/being/living/loving/ respecting yourself. Putting yourself first. All the work I’ve done has been in isolation but there comes a point when you need to check in with others and have friends to talk to.

To deny that is to fool yourself.

I’ve got a lot to talk about at the moment which will probably be left for another day. Political rants will be forthcoming. Interconnections between mental health and personal politics, particular the identity kind of politics. Not why I’m here tonight though.

Just trying to make myself feel better. Finding the balance again. Sitting in a quiet pub, sipping the third or fourth pint, letting my thoughts into print. I never feel anxiety doing this. Blogging feels like a victory.

Though I still hold my writing to absurdly high standards and wish to do so much more with it, the act of writing feels like the best thing I’m doing by far.

I should just blog for the sake of blogging, even if its talking shit, just talking shit. At least I’m talking. Taking shit, talking shit, talking shit. Here alone it seems I can talk without anxiety.

Fuck those absurdly high standards, wish I could just write and talk shit forever. Don’t forget the balance though, balance the high standards with just talking shit.

Thank you for reading as always and I balance my love for you with love for myself xx

Eyes opened again

Well to start off I should say that I have recorded a vlog which was illuminating but I’m not sure whether to post as I had a breakthrough and am starting to see the truth.

On the topic of healing my inner child by reforming my inner adult and bringing them together. I told myself something I needed to hear.

My inner adult just wasn’t good enough and he needed to do better. No more excuses. I made a promise to myself to actually parent myself because my anxiety probably stems from the fact that I cowardly hid away from taking responsibility for looking after myself.

Lo and behold, what actually happened after that? I began to accept some unpleasant truths that I had not yet faced up to. Regular readers may have spotted subtle references to this fact. I have been running away from the truth for some time.

First off I began to consider the unquestionable. That in fact I’m not who I thought I am and my real personality type is actually all that I had hated.

Yeah so I’m really an ISTJ, the exact opposite of what I thought. Although I should stress that my super/alter ego is an INFJ. This is where I go to when I mask and hide the truth.

I believed i was an INFJ and I think I’ve spent so much time in this state that I have lost track of which one is the good and the bad. The simple truth is that I’ve always been a boring robot but I have this dark side to me and I have grown more and more attached to the dark alter ego.

My life was simply too boring that my mind needed to escape into the fantasy role of this mystical genius, all-knowing safe who lives on another plane separate from reality.

What I’ve read about the super ego is that it wants to take control from the regular ego but it’s not really in control at all. Just thinks it is. Like the caretaker manager who takes over when the boss gets the sack. Except this one thinks it can do a better job.

And so here’s the full story of what happened. I fell in love with ISTJ autistic best friend. Sounds very narcissistic to say I fell in love with someone who basically is like me in every way.

But I had self-hated myself so much that I had flipped into my darker persona. So now we were the exact opposite.

I fell in love with her as a way of learning how to love myself but that never would have worked because I was splitting further away from my true self and I was living a lie, although I began to believe it more and more. Until it crumbled.

Our friendship was based on the fact that I had taken control by giving it away. I was completely narcissistic in intent but my body surrendered and I put her needs before my own every time.

As ISTJs we both need honesty, autheticity and trust. We both need to know who the other person is in reality to protect ourselves from getting emotionally hurt. And to a degree I think we both protected each other’s feelings at the expense of our own while hiding the truth.

And so a relationship between us would never have worked because we were too similar. Had the same strengths and weaknesses. It’s painful because I still love her and I still want to spend the rest of my life with her but it would mean both of us settling for similarity and not pursuing more complimentary relationships.

I think I’ve developed this dual identity because of how unfathomly lonely I’ve become but I guess I can call on the more mysterious persona to provide a bit of excitement.

It feels too late now for me to ditch the demonic mystic persona, I think it’ll be a part of me forever. But the way forward is to make sure they work together and don’t hate each other as they have done.

I will probably need to make one of them the master. Probably better to concentrate on regaining my ISTJ ego and making it the boss. This means looking to find a new or old routine that makes me happy and comfortable.

In a similar way I need to recombine my inner adult and child because they too have grown to hate each other but they can make amends.

I’ve already started to apply a method of meditation that helps the inner child and adult to reconnect. When I feel the deep anxiety in my chest I place my hand and feel the anxiety as a physical sensation through my hand.

I can feel that anxiety turn from a knot of tension into a blaze of heat energy that feels positively affirming.

This is my way of letting the inner adult take the pain away from the inner child. Not that I’ve produced an instant cure for anxiety or anything but I genuinely feel less afraid.

I went to the autism hub today and my old friends were there including she. We didn’t talk or even acknowledge each other’s presence but some mutual friends came up to me and asked how I was and were pleased to see me and invited me out.

I was nervous and I felt it would be good practise to put some boundaries in place by not jumping in feet first. I wasn’t quite ready as I didn’t want to chase the first offer available and desperately grab on to the old bonds with them.

I’m unsure about pursuing any new or old friendship until I’m completely healed and can say that I’m complete secure.

I said earlier that I was nervous, that was an understatement. What I felt was the pull of the masking alter ego. I felt like my identity was being ripped away and I was left as an unprotected and vulnerable child. It felt and still feels as though I’m about to experience the same horrific pain all over again.

And so I’m putting some boundaries up just to prove that I can. I have to respect myself. That is how I can parent myself.

It’s true what they say about compassion. We have vulnerabilities precisely because they engender compassion and here is where you’ll find it. However the world has more than it’s fair share of psychos who see people’s vulnerabilities as something to exploit for their own gain.

Needless to say that I think these are the people who are truly mentally unhealthy. They are unable to address their own insecurities and hence they take from others what they cannot give themselves.

And yes I admit I have done this. I have been the villain in my own play. I fell in love with my friend for the wrong reason. Because I needed to take from her what I could not give myself.

My inner child has been my moral core and he stood so strong despite being neglected. I’ve been so zealous in fixing my mental health issues because I just knew that they made me the villain I became.

Selfishness comes from need and need comes from insecurity. We can become secure as long as we learn how to parent and protect ourselves. I can perhaps now approach the issues by simply being there to hold my own hand instead of ruthlessly analysing every move.

Talking to myself. Getting used to hearing myself speak my own truths. It’s ok to feel hurt so long as you tell yourself you are hurt and you listen to how and why. If we repress all the hurt to avoid being vulnerable we carry that hurt through life.

Getting hurt is how we grow as people. I think I pursued love in such a way that I was looking to get hurt, looking to fail, because I needed to learn how to deal with getting hurt.

And yet I took things too far, got too hurt to deal with. Why am I still obsessed with this? Because I’m having to learn the hardest way possible. My issues are so deeply embedded and complex and I always knew it would take a long, long time to sort out.

Because like everything, I’m having to do it all alone. Doing it this way though, my victory will be all the greater and complete. If it ever comes.

Is all this rambling going to help me become confident and secure? It’s helping in a small way. I’ve got to learn to deal with getting hurt and I need to forever be honest about who I am and be honest about what I want and don’t want.

There’s a wonderful line from The Expanse TV show. “The only choice we really have in this world is to walk away” It was the right thing to do for me and her both to walk away.

Respect is everything for us and I only began to respect her when she stood up for herself and walked away. Earning my own respect has been extremely difficult. How could I possible do it until I addressed my own self-abandonment and become more assertive.

Yes, it’s about damn time that I respect myself.

Why am I so socially anxious? People can and will hurt me but I refused to acknowledge the hurt and refused to defend myself, thinking that I deserved it. After all, everyone else is normal and I’m the defective one?

Alas no, everyone is defective to some extent. I can be better than they are because of the journey I’ve been on. I’m so damn self-aware that I can see all of my faults, it’s time to stop getting hung up over them and just be.

It’s time to dig out that empathy and understanding. Be aware of who is willing to learn and who is stacking all of their problems on something else.

I should probably put a long read warning on this one but what the hell, take it as it comes.

Thank you so much reading, anyone who does. I love you very much on my own way

Jamie xx

I should probably put a

Got some stuff to work through tonight. Been feeling low for quite some time and don’t really know where to turn.

I’ve some progress with regards to knowing that I need to lay some ghosts to rest. Some deeply held pain keeps me stuck and I need to work it back into focus. I don’t think I can just get out of my system.

But yes my self-esteem is still shattered by the way things happened. Particularly the way it felt like all my friends one day woke up and told themselves that I was a threat to them and they could just drop me from their lives as if I was just a piece of trash stuck to their shoe.

I understand that I had a lot of negativity and it was probably for the best. And I’ve got my own way of looking at the world and my own expectations. I did feel betrayed and humiliated by those who dropped me when I had put so much of myself into friendship.

I only ever demanded loyalty when I was feeling abandoned and I’d stopped feeling that life was worth living.

And yet of course people are who they are and I couldn’t control the feelings and intentions of others.

And thus I needed some form of assurance and predictability in order to overcome my anxiety. I have to understand the minds and wills of others otherwise I will do what I ended up doing which was to hollow myself out and be left with nothing but hurt.

So to learn the lesson of the last two years. I know that I need to find some way around my anxiety and take back some control of myself.

It’s difficult now to admit that I can’t surround myself with people like them anymore. I don’t feel like I can ever be comfortable around someone if they have any fears at all.

I am and always have been inspired only by the most fearless individuals and yet everyone has these deep insecurities. Ultimately I will find myself at the mercy of anyone who has anxieties. I will wish to help them so dearly and they will never like how deeply I will look into their soul.

At this horrible time where everything is doom and gloom people look to solidarity and support and no one seems to ever be able to help me when I need it.

It saddens to me say but I don’t feel like I can look my old autistic friends in the eye and say I care about them anymore. I was never cut out to be friends unless I felt cared about and I always people to put their words into action.

I don’t really want to share my autism anymore because it feels distinctly like I’m hollowing myself out again for others benefit. Ever since I got diagnosed I’ve been paddling further and further into the chaotic flow of how my brain works.

It’s gotten me nowhere. I just want to forget about everything and let myself go.

The lesson I’ve been struggling so painfully with is that it’s ok to stop caring about someone if they’re not willing and able. And if someone stops caring about me I shouldn’t take it personally and I should have realised that I wasn’t willing to learn the lesson that came my way.

It might help me to deal with social anxiety if I knew that most people aren’t really worth investing in. I’ve no desire to be normal to fit in and I never really cared about anyone who doesn’t see things with the same intensity.

What do I want to do with my time that feels like is of sufficient worth. That maybe doesn’t cause me any anxiety, that feels safe to engage in but can satisfy my mind?

That isn’t tainted with the present depression? That is new and exciting and fulfilling?

Doing things that I had previously felt would make me look bad in the eyes of others. Realising now that I don’t care for the judgements of those who have already shown me they’re not on my side.

Finding out who out of anyone is on my side can only be done by breaking the chains of inhibition and showing my true self.

I’ve noticed of course that I am drawn to and attracted to people who are different because they have strengths where I have weakness. I’ve come to hate those weaknesses in myself and now I’ve come to hate those qualities in others.

Therein lies the key to the mystery. I’ve always hated and feared and repressed my own dark side and nowadays I see it everywhere. It’s ok to have a dark side but everyone seems to hide theirs.

I can begin to control it by engaging it and recognising that I need not be afraid of it because I’m no longer invested in protecting those who seek to avoid the dark side of the human mind.

The truth that I’ve always understand but never been able to apply is that I need to be secure enough to be myself before I can be secure in any sort of relationship so I can appreciate and love what is different.

I want to be unafraid of being provocative and bold. Challenging people around me to be more interesting. I want to fully regain my perchance for subversion.

I don’t want to waste any more of my life analysing what went wrong. I don’t want to spend another minute thinking other people are better than me and that I should defer to their way.

Turning 40 next weekend. I’m conserving my energy until my week off work when I can really begin to activate. My birthday is the least important thing going on in my life and yet everyone seems to think I should make a big deal out if it.

Being able to communicate who I really am will help people to understand just how neurodiverse I really am and I hope I can inspire something in people, even if it’s only to confirm or deny whether anyone thinks I’m a good person or not.

Everyone who knows me says I’m a lovely person but I’ve had to put that mask on. People are just very cautious around me now that I’ve sporadically let my demons out. No one knows who I really am because I’ve locked so much darkness inside.

It’s not my nature to go out deliberately hurting people but it’s not to make people feel good either. The mission is to not to become someone else but to stop being afraid of becoming who I always should have been.

I’m not someone who learns lessons easily. Learn by doing. But some things I just can’t feel comfortable doing. The same stubbornness that has kept me miserable is the same that has kept me going and will keep me on the path to self-betterment and self-empowerment.

Embracing new ideas feels like surrender but I feel a demonic energy behind them and I like dancing with demons.

Much of what I’ve written recently has just been words. Time for action. It’s going to take all of my willpower but I won’t give up.

Thanks for reading. Warm regards.

Restless

Been a while since my last proper blog. Plenty going on in the meantime. So much so that I had for a while taken my mind off the usual issues. Had some more stuff to take my mind off things.

Hard house night last Friday was funnish. Got off my face and danced a lot. It’s true though, hard house isn’t quite my thing these days and I was praying for some more techno stuff.

The best part of the evening was the 2hr walk home at 5 in the morning. Nice and quiet and peaceful. I let the remaining hyper energy slowly dissipate as the sun rose.

All day hangover Saturday, family party on Sunday which was a nice time though I kept myself in the quiet area.

Cinema Monday to see a secret horror film which was recently good. MOT Tuesday and then tiredness through the rest of the week.

Getting back into things I used to for fun. Started watching HotD which rekindled my love of the game of thrones books.

Pushed away the darkness for a while and felt like I was doing stuff for myself again. Relearning to actually do things I enjoyed.

Somewhat distant from all that there’s been some reflection on how I’ve changed since everything that happened.

My lifelong shyness has become more focused now. I think now that I find it harder than ever to be myself around other people.

Or actually instead of that, I’m much more myself but life has become so much harder. Trying to be more social but I’m just less connected to people and more of a lone wolf doing whatever I do.

Trying to be my unashamed and true self really meant that I’m just completely closed around new people and I’m not charismatic enough to actually attract anyone inside the walls.

The more time I spend alone the more I realise how deeply I just want the right people in my life. I get so bored and restless on my own because it’s just not much fun to be in my head.

I spent so much of my life masking and repressing myself exactly because it was better than the alternative. Better to have fake friends than no friends at all.

It’s been an important step to find my old self again but I don’t feel I can get any sort of life back until I reinvent myself. I’m still looking to do that but I don’t really believe that I will manage it.

Who I am deep down is the real me and I’m not going to change without outside help. From someone or something else that forces me to change. And even then I’ll stubbornly resist.

Emotional time at work this week. Part of my job is calculating death payments for life insurance. I’m pretty detached from the thought of death and generally most claims are from natural causes.

This week however I had my first claim for a murder victim. And the circumstances were pretty shocking. And so this person wasn’t a faceless name and a policy number but a known person.

Hadn’t had time off for a while and probably won’t get any soon. Still waiting for authorisation for my birthday week as we are losing another 3 members of the team.

The lad I’m training at work has got an accreditation, so maybe my training has been quite effective.

I feel a little isolated at work sometimes. I sit alongside some colleagues but don’t quite feel like I belong in the circle. I feel sad when I feel I’m not being fully included. Times like these I wish to shut myself off to take control and preempt being alone.

Haven’t felt very creative recently. Probably just too tired.

What’s my plan for tonight? Drinking but probably not too much. The weekend? Fuck knows.

Spent time with my younger brother recently, we might it a regular thing, walking up the Wrekin. Impressed that we did it in half an hour with it needing a rest.

It was great to talk honestly about what I really needed to talk about but had kept quiet about. My bro is a great listener. I’ll let him talk more next time.

So it’s doing me good to aim for, and do stuff. To choose to do something and do it. Just do it however I can and not let any anxiety stop me.

I’ve not magically become fearless or anything but I’m not beating myself up about anything.

I don’t know if I can ever achieve what I really want in life and am still plagued by many doubts and fears but I’m feeling more like I’m in control of myself and more patient with myself.

Events have left me in the nasty position of needing people around me while I’ve stopped trusting people in general. But I keep on. Keep going.

Continuing to work on myself and to keep connected to people as much as I can.

It’s time to kick start the process of loving myself by actually looking after myself and reparenting myself. Doing stuff that’s good for me. Looking after my physical and mental health.

Muster up the energy to properly tidy myself up. That’s something they teach in CBT. I struggle to do things because I don’t have a tidy personal space. I feel oppressed by the mess I’ve made of myself.

It’s no good dreaming of doing stuff when I’m trapped by my own personal clutter.

Does the messy mind cause a messy room or vice versa? The environment I create to keep people out is unfriendly to myself as well. I keep people out more when I don’t feel good about myself. So why do I do things that make me feel bad about myself? To keep people away.

A vicious circle if ever there was one. Also it gives a rare sense of control to actively sabotage yourself. The funny thing is that I kind of enjoyed not being in control because life felt more interesting that way. Not good though when things go badly.

Life will be a long, perpetual quest to find things to do that I actually like doing. And to perfect the art of keeping myself safe while I throw myself into whatever comes along.

It really sucks to be me sometimes, but I do it as well as I can and I don’t think anyone else could ever be me and keep their soul like I do.

Thanks as always for reading.

PS I’m not shedding any tears for the royal parasite. The only reason I’m not celebrating is because the new king is far worse. I’ll dance a jig when they’re all removed from this Earth.

Venting some darkness

I think this blog is going to become mainly about finding a safe space to explore and release some of my deepest demons. It’s where my journey is going.

I’m more convinced than ever that I want to draw a line between the old world and the new. To be well enough to defeat the depression I need to distance myself from everything that reminds me of my biggest psychological defeat.

I’ve binned my last post as I’m not ready to talk publicly about it and I still need to work on it. But in thinking more clearly and with a little advice I’ve had to admit that I did what I did because I needed to finally put up the hardest boundary around myself.

That it was about protecting myself. And it was the right thing to do.

The beliefs we hold about are what truly makes us what we are. I hold such terminally abhorrent beliefs about myself for certain reasons.

One factor I could never consider before was that that it is part of my hidden disabilties. I can’t fundamentally see myself well enough to actually recognise.

I can only see myself through the eyes of others. Even strangers have this effect on me. To pull my mind away from itself and force it outwards.

Everyone always tells me I should believe in myself but I just don’t, and why would I?

I can’t stop myself from masking because there is no true face to present. Only a mental construction designed to please others.

The real reason I’m dependent on others to make me feel good is because the only voice in my head is the mechanical explainer, telling me exactly why I’m alone in darkness.

It’s time to admit how deeply different I see the world compared to the empty individualist culture I live in.

My autistic sensitivity is exactly the full crushing weight of the effects others have on me. It’s because of this I understand we live in a deeply shared and connected world where we are shaped and made by each other.

Although I am much more connected than anyone else. And it because of this that I am so unutterably decimated by the rejection and exclusion of experiencing the lives of others.

And the truth is that nobody understands the massive effect they have on me. People still expect me to accept that bad things happen and that I should always accept my losses and look elsewhere.

What makes so special and unique in this world is that I can look so sharply into someone’s heart to see the humanity and the lack of humanity.

I hold a mirror up to the world so that it can see itself. Truly the society we live in is defined by lies and selfish hypocracy.

I’ve wanted to get round to the Autism research of Simon Baron Cohen. He who has identified that autistic children tend to be slower to develop the “skill” of not blaming people for unintended harms caused. He calls this “skill” empathy.

Isn’t funny how autistic people are bad people for not being empathetic to the inadequacies of others while those who don’t understand the harm they cause should be understood?

Who are the real empathetic heroes amongst us?

Is it those who struggle with communication but are sensitive to others or is it those who can communicate but are insensitive.

Theory of Mind, it is called. Baron Cohen himself appears to be quite poor at this judging by the reaction of the Autistic community to his project of harvesting Autistic DNA.

In my experience it doesn’t matter who you are, the culture is driving us to hate each other and isolate ourselves from each other. To fear each other.

I’m not strong enough to fight it because I was the most vulnerable to it. I needed so much more from those around me to stay with me but in the ends everyone else’s needs came before mine.

I can’t hide anymore from the fact that I need to become stronger in myself. That I need to be better so that the people around me become better. I’m never going lose sight of what I need to make life worth living.

There is an art to believing in yourself. For truly who we are to ourselves is just a narrative. Walking the path alone requires some extraordinary bravery.

The story I tell myself now is how to keep myself going. That I don’t care for the pointless pursuit of shallow self-validation and virtue-signalling acceptance. “Be kind” is the motto of those who only care only hiding themselves from being challenged or critcised.

I would love anyone who actually sat down, read my words, and called out any bullshit I espouse. Because that would mean they cared enough about me to see my faults and engage with me to improve me. And teach me something.

I can’t remember anyone ever doing this since I was at school. Or maybe a blazing drunken fall out with an old drinking buddy.

I don’t see myself as a human being because people don’t treat me like one. People treat me like a child. Maybe I needed to treated as an adult in order to become one.

Maybe treating me like a child is what stopped me from growing up.

I don’t want to blame all of my problems on others, but I see so clearly how my development as a person was determined by all my interactions with other people.

I can’t stress enough that the culture we live in demands every person is his or her own boss, master of destiny and responsible for everything they do.

When horrible things happens to you it’s all your own fault because you are an individual God of your own existence. Everything that happens to you is your own fault and your responsibility to deal with.

And everything you call evil is a projection of your own evil.

It is not hard for me to understand why our culture tells us this. Because they take everything everything they can from us and tell us to blame ourselves.

I’ll end this post on a cheery note. I’d happily see these people burnt to death.

This has been liberating.

Thanks for reading. Kindest Regards as ever x

Anhedonic

Had a fairly tiring week at work today but some good news today. I’m now fully accredited across the whole book of business just as I finally sorted a tech issue that I’d been putting off for a while.

My mood remains entrenched at the low end for a number of reasons. I’m still not feeling any easier socially. Have been back to my old pub quiz team that I was a regular at around the time of my diagnoses.

I didn’t really feel that comfortable and it was a reminder that it wasn’t what I wanted, more just something else to fill the time and break the loneliness.

Got a couple of other issues that I need to sort out this weekend as well as having a long overdue clean up.

Some time off work is much needed to recharge my batteries. Went to my quiet local pub for a drink and there’s a large family party here so I doubt I’ll stay here long.

Haven’t had a proper walk for a while. Might go for a walk in the dark through the town park.

Getting a distinct sense that I’m reaching anhedonia again. I realised today just how much I’ve needed to mask and become someone else to have friends and have fun and feel safe around people.

Which would also keep me going when I spend too much time alone.

I think I crossed over the red line. I haven’t really forgiven or forgotten and now I don’t want to mask anymore.

I could handle spending the rest of my life alone if I found things that can give my life some meaning and keep me interested.

Still everything is just a means to keep surviving and keep the madness at bay.

Observing the social world online and it’s various cliques and cultures. We live in a memeified world whereby everyone wants the world to reflect only what’s going on inside their own head.

Only communicating with signs and symbols and slogans the cult demands. Only sharing a very narrow spectrum of experience that the cult demands.

There’s a widescale proliferation of devoted worship and following of those who share nothing but their own reactions, their own beliefs, values and emotions.

“Wow, I felt the exact same way you did.” Of course I blame social technologies for this.

The great philosophical question of what it means to be human lives on. Society today continually codifies our shared existence as one of mutual simultaneous reaction to and deification of ones own inner feelings.

Is it me or does everyone “live life” only as a means to achieve adulation from virtual friends on computer screens.

Dressed up in the deceptive language of inclusivity and community, the technosocial world is a shallow set of cabals and cults. A poor shadow of humanity.

Thanks and kindest regards

Delving

Blogging about something today. Stuff to get off my chest. What do I feel like delving into?

I’m in the process of processing the on going trauma of the last year.

I wanted companionship. I wanted more than companionship, a family where I belonged with people like me.

The deepest friendship I’ve ever had that I never wanted to end. Because nothing else gave my life any meaning. Nothing else gave me a reason to get out of bed every day.

I never could deal with loss very well. I still hold on to the past. I still don’t really see a future where I’m happy.

I’m still wishing I wasn’t so autistic. That I could just move on and will myself into being positive. It’s just in my nature to be at peace.

I have so much anger buried away that I can’t get out. I won’t let myself.

The path in taking now is finally to respect myself enough to walk away and finally let go. I understand that I needed to do what’s best for me as my friends did for themselves and protect myself.

I don’t think I want people in my life anymore. At least not until I’ve dealt with all the trauma that I’m saddled with.

I wanted to rise above and be able to do the right thing and be the person people needed me to be.

I don’t know any other way to be but to reciprocate how others treat me. In that effect I think I was a mirror to others. To understand that your actions have an effect on those around you.

In this age of germ panic I wanted people to understand how devastating it is to be treated as a vector of sickness and disease. In my case it touched on my deepest and strongest insecurities.

We used to talk about how many relationships had ended during the mandated covid terror. It forced us all to confront some fundamental conflicts.

I regret not standing up for myself. I needed my friends support so much but I suspected all along that our friendship would end.

I blamed them for shutting the door on me when I needed them the most. In actual fact it was me who shut the door for all intents and purposes.

I can’t be that person who stays positive and can forgive. I don’t think I want friends anymore. It’s time for me to be the friend I always needed.

I always did wear a mask around people. The mask of friendliness. The thing I really need people to understand about me is that I’m highly vulnerable to feeling other people’s emotions and I’m not in control of myself and how i feel when I’m around others.

I know now that I can’t deal with fears. Not just my own but particularly other people’s. I block it out and can’t accept it or face it.

This is why I can’t really deal with boundary issues. Again both my own and others. I know how wonderful life can be without fear.

I love my autistic friends very deeply but at the same time I hate them for succumbing to their fears and accepting their fate.

As I learn to be more accepting of my autism I find myself walking the same path they did and I’m now protecting myself by shutting myself away.

We were so scared of hurting each other that we couldn’t overcome the conflict that came between us and couldn’t be friends anymore.

They had other friends to tell them they were fine as they were and shouldn’t ever compromise themselves.

I had no friends to tell me I was in the right because I was the one who was visibly suffering and that if I wanted to be happy I should be more selfless and more considerate of others.

I’ve seen the discourse around autistic mental health and I don’t find it empowering or inspiring. I’m not inspired by anyone’s positivity but I am inspired by those who fearlessly call out inane bullshit wherever they see it.

I know deep down the person I want to be is not afraid to call a spade a “f**king c**t” and doesn’t give a solitary shit.

I hope those reading can understand why.

Thanks again and kind regards x