Restless

Been a while since my last proper blog. Plenty going on in the meantime. So much so that I had for a while taken my mind off the usual issues. Had some more stuff to take my mind off things.

Hard house night last Friday was funnish. Got off my face and danced a lot. It’s true though, hard house isn’t quite my thing these days and I was praying for some more techno stuff.

The best part of the evening was the 2hr walk home at 5 in the morning. Nice and quiet and peaceful. I let the remaining hyper energy slowly dissipate as the sun rose.

All day hangover Saturday, family party on Sunday which was a nice time though I kept myself in the quiet area.

Cinema Monday to see a secret horror film which was recently good. MOT Tuesday and then tiredness through the rest of the week.

Getting back into things I used to for fun. Started watching HotD which rekindled my love of the game of thrones books.

Pushed away the darkness for a while and felt like I was doing stuff for myself again. Relearning to actually do things I enjoyed.

Somewhat distant from all that there’s been some reflection on how I’ve changed since everything that happened.

My lifelong shyness has become more focused now. I think now that I find it harder than ever to be myself around other people.

Or actually instead of that, I’m much more myself but life has become so much harder. Trying to be more social but I’m just less connected to people and more of a lone wolf doing whatever I do.

Trying to be my unashamed and true self really meant that I’m just completely closed around new people and I’m not charismatic enough to actually attract anyone inside the walls.

The more time I spend alone the more I realise how deeply I just want the right people in my life. I get so bored and restless on my own because it’s just not much fun to be in my head.

I spent so much of my life masking and repressing myself exactly because it was better than the alternative. Better to have fake friends than no friends at all.

It’s been an important step to find my old self again but I don’t feel I can get any sort of life back until I reinvent myself. I’m still looking to do that but I don’t really believe that I will manage it.

Who I am deep down is the real me and I’m not going to change without outside help. From someone or something else that forces me to change. And even then I’ll stubbornly resist.

Emotional time at work this week. Part of my job is calculating death payments for life insurance. I’m pretty detached from the thought of death and generally most claims are from natural causes.

This week however I had my first claim for a murder victim. And the circumstances were pretty shocking. And so this person wasn’t a faceless name and a policy number but a known person.

Hadn’t had time off for a while and probably won’t get any soon. Still waiting for authorisation for my birthday week as we are losing another 3 members of the team.

The lad I’m training at work has got an accreditation, so maybe my training has been quite effective.

I feel a little isolated at work sometimes. I sit alongside some colleagues but don’t quite feel like I belong in the circle. I feel sad when I feel I’m not being fully included. Times like these I wish to shut myself off to take control and preempt being alone.

Haven’t felt very creative recently. Probably just too tired.

What’s my plan for tonight? Drinking but probably not too much. The weekend? Fuck knows.

Spent time with my younger brother recently, we might it a regular thing, walking up the Wrekin. Impressed that we did it in half an hour with it needing a rest.

It was great to talk honestly about what I really needed to talk about but had kept quiet about. My bro is a great listener. I’ll let him talk more next time.

So it’s doing me good to aim for, and do stuff. To choose to do something and do it. Just do it however I can and not let any anxiety stop me.

I’ve not magically become fearless or anything but I’m not beating myself up about anything.

I don’t know if I can ever achieve what I really want in life and am still plagued by many doubts and fears but I’m feeling more like I’m in control of myself and more patient with myself.

Events have left me in the nasty position of needing people around me while I’ve stopped trusting people in general. But I keep on. Keep going.

Continuing to work on myself and to keep connected to people as much as I can.

It’s time to kick start the process of loving myself by actually looking after myself and reparenting myself. Doing stuff that’s good for me. Looking after my physical and mental health.

Muster up the energy to properly tidy myself up. That’s something they teach in CBT. I struggle to do things because I don’t have a tidy personal space. I feel oppressed by the mess I’ve made of myself.

It’s no good dreaming of doing stuff when I’m trapped by my own personal clutter.

Does the messy mind cause a messy room or vice versa? The environment I create to keep people out is unfriendly to myself as well. I keep people out more when I don’t feel good about myself. So why do I do things that make me feel bad about myself? To keep people away.

A vicious circle if ever there was one. Also it gives a rare sense of control to actively sabotage yourself. The funny thing is that I kind of enjoyed not being in control because life felt more interesting that way. Not good though when things go badly.

Life will be a long, perpetual quest to find things to do that I actually like doing. And to perfect the art of keeping myself safe while I throw myself into whatever comes along.

It really sucks to be me sometimes, but I do it as well as I can and I don’t think anyone else could ever be me and keep their soul like I do.

Thanks as always for reading.

PS I’m not shedding any tears for the royal parasite. The only reason I’m not celebrating is because the new king is far worse. I’ll dance a jig when they’re all removed from this Earth.

Venting some darkness

I think this blog is going to become mainly about finding a safe space to explore and release some of my deepest demons. It’s where my journey is going.

I’m more convinced than ever that I want to draw a line between the old world and the new. To be well enough to defeat the depression I need to distance myself from everything that reminds me of my biggest psychological defeat.

I’ve binned my last post as I’m not ready to talk publicly about it and I still need to work on it. But in thinking more clearly and with a little advice I’ve had to admit that I did what I did because I needed to finally put up the hardest boundary around myself.

That it was about protecting myself. And it was the right thing to do.

The beliefs we hold about are what truly makes us what we are. I hold such terminally abhorrent beliefs about myself for certain reasons.

One factor I could never consider before was that that it is part of my hidden disabilties. I can’t fundamentally see myself well enough to actually recognise.

I can only see myself through the eyes of others. Even strangers have this effect on me. To pull my mind away from itself and force it outwards.

Everyone always tells me I should believe in myself but I just don’t, and why would I?

I can’t stop myself from masking because there is no true face to present. Only a mental construction designed to please others.

The real reason I’m dependent on others to make me feel good is because the only voice in my head is the mechanical explainer, telling me exactly why I’m alone in darkness.

It’s time to admit how deeply different I see the world compared to the empty individualist culture I live in.

My autistic sensitivity is exactly the full crushing weight of the effects others have on me. It’s because of this I understand we live in a deeply shared and connected world where we are shaped and made by each other.

Although I am much more connected than anyone else. And it because of this that I am so unutterably decimated by the rejection and exclusion of experiencing the lives of others.

And the truth is that nobody understands the massive effect they have on me. People still expect me to accept that bad things happen and that I should always accept my losses and look elsewhere.

What makes so special and unique in this world is that I can look so sharply into someone’s heart to see the humanity and the lack of humanity.

I hold a mirror up to the world so that it can see itself. Truly the society we live in is defined by lies and selfish hypocracy.

I’ve wanted to get round to the Autism research of Simon Baron Cohen. He who has identified that autistic children tend to be slower to develop the “skill” of not blaming people for unintended harms caused. He calls this “skill” empathy.

Isn’t funny how autistic people are bad people for not being empathetic to the inadequacies of others while those who don’t understand the harm they cause should be understood?

Who are the real empathetic heroes amongst us?

Is it those who struggle with communication but are sensitive to others or is it those who can communicate but are insensitive.

Theory of Mind, it is called. Baron Cohen himself appears to be quite poor at this judging by the reaction of the Autistic community to his project of harvesting Autistic DNA.

In my experience it doesn’t matter who you are, the culture is driving us to hate each other and isolate ourselves from each other. To fear each other.

I’m not strong enough to fight it because I was the most vulnerable to it. I needed so much more from those around me to stay with me but in the ends everyone else’s needs came before mine.

I can’t hide anymore from the fact that I need to become stronger in myself. That I need to be better so that the people around me become better. I’m never going lose sight of what I need to make life worth living.

There is an art to believing in yourself. For truly who we are to ourselves is just a narrative. Walking the path alone requires some extraordinary bravery.

The story I tell myself now is how to keep myself going. That I don’t care for the pointless pursuit of shallow self-validation and virtue-signalling acceptance. “Be kind” is the motto of those who only care only hiding themselves from being challenged or critcised.

I would love anyone who actually sat down, read my words, and called out any bullshit I espouse. Because that would mean they cared enough about me to see my faults and engage with me to improve me. And teach me something.

I can’t remember anyone ever doing this since I was at school. Or maybe a blazing drunken fall out with an old drinking buddy.

I don’t see myself as a human being because people don’t treat me like one. People treat me like a child. Maybe I needed to treated as an adult in order to become one.

Maybe treating me like a child is what stopped me from growing up.

I don’t want to blame all of my problems on others, but I see so clearly how my development as a person was determined by all my interactions with other people.

I can’t stress enough that the culture we live in demands every person is his or her own boss, master of destiny and responsible for everything they do.

When horrible things happens to you it’s all your own fault because you are an individual God of your own existence. Everything that happens to you is your own fault and your responsibility to deal with.

And everything you call evil is a projection of your own evil.

It is not hard for me to understand why our culture tells us this. Because they take everything everything they can from us and tell us to blame ourselves.

I’ll end this post on a cheery note. I’d happily see these people burnt to death.

This has been liberating.

Thanks for reading. Kindest Regards as ever x

Anhedonic

Had a fairly tiring week at work today but some good news today. I’m now fully accredited across the whole book of business just as I finally sorted a tech issue that I’d been putting off for a while.

My mood remains entrenched at the low end for a number of reasons. I’m still not feeling any easier socially. Have been back to my old pub quiz team that I was a regular at around the time of my diagnoses.

I didn’t really feel that comfortable and it was a reminder that it wasn’t what I wanted, more just something else to fill the time and break the loneliness.

Got a couple of other issues that I need to sort out this weekend as well as having a long overdue clean up.

Some time off work is much needed to recharge my batteries. Went to my quiet local pub for a drink and there’s a large family party here so I doubt I’ll stay here long.

Haven’t had a proper walk for a while. Might go for a walk in the dark through the town park.

Getting a distinct sense that I’m reaching anhedonia again. I realised today just how much I’ve needed to mask and become someone else to have friends and have fun and feel safe around people.

Which would also keep me going when I spend too much time alone.

I think I crossed over the red line. I haven’t really forgiven or forgotten and now I don’t want to mask anymore.

I could handle spending the rest of my life alone if I found things that can give my life some meaning and keep me interested.

Still everything is just a means to keep surviving and keep the madness at bay.

Observing the social world online and it’s various cliques and cultures. We live in a memeified world whereby everyone wants the world to reflect only what’s going on inside their own head.

Only communicating with signs and symbols and slogans the cult demands. Only sharing a very narrow spectrum of experience that the cult demands.

There’s a widescale proliferation of devoted worship and following of those who share nothing but their own reactions, their own beliefs, values and emotions.

“Wow, I felt the exact same way you did.” Of course I blame social technologies for this.

The great philosophical question of what it means to be human lives on. Society today continually codifies our shared existence as one of mutual simultaneous reaction to and deification of ones own inner feelings.

Is it me or does everyone “live life” only as a means to achieve adulation from virtual friends on computer screens.

Dressed up in the deceptive language of inclusivity and community, the technosocial world is a shallow set of cabals and cults. A poor shadow of humanity.

Thanks and kindest regards

Delving

Blogging about something today. Stuff to get off my chest. What do I feel like delving into?

I’m in the process of processing the on going trauma of the last year.

I wanted companionship. I wanted more than companionship, a family where I belonged with people like me.

The deepest friendship I’ve ever had that I never wanted to end. Because nothing else gave my life any meaning. Nothing else gave me a reason to get out of bed every day.

I never could deal with loss very well. I still hold on to the past. I still don’t really see a future where I’m happy.

I’m still wishing I wasn’t so autistic. That I could just move on and will myself into being positive. It’s just in my nature to be at peace.

I have so much anger buried away that I can’t get out. I won’t let myself.

The path in taking now is finally to respect myself enough to walk away and finally let go. I understand that I needed to do what’s best for me as my friends did for themselves and protect myself.

I don’t think I want people in my life anymore. At least not until I’ve dealt with all the trauma that I’m saddled with.

I wanted to rise above and be able to do the right thing and be the person people needed me to be.

I don’t know any other way to be but to reciprocate how others treat me. In that effect I think I was a mirror to others. To understand that your actions have an effect on those around you.

In this age of germ panic I wanted people to understand how devastating it is to be treated as a vector of sickness and disease. In my case it touched on my deepest and strongest insecurities.

We used to talk about how many relationships had ended during the mandated covid terror. It forced us all to confront some fundamental conflicts.

I regret not standing up for myself. I needed my friends support so much but I suspected all along that our friendship would end.

I blamed them for shutting the door on me when I needed them the most. In actual fact it was me who shut the door for all intents and purposes.

I can’t be that person who stays positive and can forgive. I don’t think I want friends anymore. It’s time for me to be the friend I always needed.

I always did wear a mask around people. The mask of friendliness. The thing I really need people to understand about me is that I’m highly vulnerable to feeling other people’s emotions and I’m not in control of myself and how i feel when I’m around others.

I know now that I can’t deal with fears. Not just my own but particularly other people’s. I block it out and can’t accept it or face it.

This is why I can’t really deal with boundary issues. Again both my own and others. I know how wonderful life can be without fear.

I love my autistic friends very deeply but at the same time I hate them for succumbing to their fears and accepting their fate.

As I learn to be more accepting of my autism I find myself walking the same path they did and I’m now protecting myself by shutting myself away.

We were so scared of hurting each other that we couldn’t overcome the conflict that came between us and couldn’t be friends anymore.

They had other friends to tell them they were fine as they were and shouldn’t ever compromise themselves.

I had no friends to tell me I was in the right because I was the one who was visibly suffering and that if I wanted to be happy I should be more selfless and more considerate of others.

I’ve seen the discourse around autistic mental health and I don’t find it empowering or inspiring. I’m not inspired by anyone’s positivity but I am inspired by those who fearlessly call out inane bullshit wherever they see it.

I know deep down the person I want to be is not afraid to call a spade a “f**king c**t” and doesn’t give a solitary shit.

I hope those reading can understand why.

Thanks again and kind regards x