Restless

Been a while since my last proper blog. Plenty going on in the meantime. So much so that I had for a while taken my mind off the usual issues. Had some more stuff to take my mind off things.

Hard house night last Friday was funnish. Got off my face and danced a lot. It’s true though, hard house isn’t quite my thing these days and I was praying for some more techno stuff.

The best part of the evening was the 2hr walk home at 5 in the morning. Nice and quiet and peaceful. I let the remaining hyper energy slowly dissipate as the sun rose.

All day hangover Saturday, family party on Sunday which was a nice time though I kept myself in the quiet area.

Cinema Monday to see a secret horror film which was recently good. MOT Tuesday and then tiredness through the rest of the week.

Getting back into things I used to for fun. Started watching HotD which rekindled my love of the game of thrones books.

Pushed away the darkness for a while and felt like I was doing stuff for myself again. Relearning to actually do things I enjoyed.

Somewhat distant from all that there’s been some reflection on how I’ve changed since everything that happened.

My lifelong shyness has become more focused now. I think now that I find it harder than ever to be myself around other people.

Or actually instead of that, I’m much more myself but life has become so much harder. Trying to be more social but I’m just less connected to people and more of a lone wolf doing whatever I do.

Trying to be my unashamed and true self really meant that I’m just completely closed around new people and I’m not charismatic enough to actually attract anyone inside the walls.

The more time I spend alone the more I realise how deeply I just want the right people in my life. I get so bored and restless on my own because it’s just not much fun to be in my head.

I spent so much of my life masking and repressing myself exactly because it was better than the alternative. Better to have fake friends than no friends at all.

It’s been an important step to find my old self again but I don’t feel I can get any sort of life back until I reinvent myself. I’m still looking to do that but I don’t really believe that I will manage it.

Who I am deep down is the real me and I’m not going to change without outside help. From someone or something else that forces me to change. And even then I’ll stubbornly resist.

Emotional time at work this week. Part of my job is calculating death payments for life insurance. I’m pretty detached from the thought of death and generally most claims are from natural causes.

This week however I had my first claim for a murder victim. And the circumstances were pretty shocking. And so this person wasn’t a faceless name and a policy number but a known person.

Hadn’t had time off for a while and probably won’t get any soon. Still waiting for authorisation for my birthday week as we are losing another 3 members of the team.

The lad I’m training at work has got an accreditation, so maybe my training has been quite effective.

I feel a little isolated at work sometimes. I sit alongside some colleagues but don’t quite feel like I belong in the circle. I feel sad when I feel I’m not being fully included. Times like these I wish to shut myself off to take control and preempt being alone.

Haven’t felt very creative recently. Probably just too tired.

What’s my plan for tonight? Drinking but probably not too much. The weekend? Fuck knows.

Spent time with my younger brother recently, we might it a regular thing, walking up the Wrekin. Impressed that we did it in half an hour with it needing a rest.

It was great to talk honestly about what I really needed to talk about but had kept quiet about. My bro is a great listener. I’ll let him talk more next time.

So it’s doing me good to aim for, and do stuff. To choose to do something and do it. Just do it however I can and not let any anxiety stop me.

I’ve not magically become fearless or anything but I’m not beating myself up about anything.

I don’t know if I can ever achieve what I really want in life and am still plagued by many doubts and fears but I’m feeling more like I’m in control of myself and more patient with myself.

Events have left me in the nasty position of needing people around me while I’ve stopped trusting people in general. But I keep on. Keep going.

Continuing to work on myself and to keep connected to people as much as I can.

It’s time to kick start the process of loving myself by actually looking after myself and reparenting myself. Doing stuff that’s good for me. Looking after my physical and mental health.

Muster up the energy to properly tidy myself up. That’s something they teach in CBT. I struggle to do things because I don’t have a tidy personal space. I feel oppressed by the mess I’ve made of myself.

It’s no good dreaming of doing stuff when I’m trapped by my own personal clutter.

Does the messy mind cause a messy room or vice versa? The environment I create to keep people out is unfriendly to myself as well. I keep people out more when I don’t feel good about myself. So why do I do things that make me feel bad about myself? To keep people away.

A vicious circle if ever there was one. Also it gives a rare sense of control to actively sabotage yourself. The funny thing is that I kind of enjoyed not being in control because life felt more interesting that way. Not good though when things go badly.

Life will be a long, perpetual quest to find things to do that I actually like doing. And to perfect the art of keeping myself safe while I throw myself into whatever comes along.

It really sucks to be me sometimes, but I do it as well as I can and I don’t think anyone else could ever be me and keep their soul like I do.

Thanks as always for reading.

PS I’m not shedding any tears for the royal parasite. The only reason I’m not celebrating is because the new king is far worse. I’ll dance a jig when they’re all removed from this Earth.