Balance, Anxiety and Talking Shit

Going to start the blog off by saying that I’ve fallen into the usual trap of writing stuff from one perspective and ending from another. It feels like much of what I wrote last time will soon be contradicted or at least come in to some sort of conflict.

But yeah it’s a been a difficult day. Been anxious from the moment I woke up though I have been able to calm down this afternoon. Sunday struggles have become routine. And Saturdays as well let’s be honest.

You look forward to the weekend all week because you’re free to do your own thing in your own time. It used to be a case of putting pressure on myself to do something that I love and then just not getting into gear. Not finding the motivation to do much if anything until I find a place where I’m at least engaged.

It still is the case to some extent but now I don’t really feel like doing anything. Anything I do enjoy I’ve already been doing too much. Getting bored. Wanting more. More variety. All while being too anxious to try anything new. Can’t think well enough to plan to do something that needs planning and coordination.

These are the conflicts that I feel with everyday. Too tired to do anything that requires preliminary work. Just want to get straight in feet first.

Having a full time job means we good chunk of my week isn’t free but under the conditions of having to do something without much choice.

Under pressure to meet more demands now that I’m in a position of having more responsibility.

Times to knuckle down and do the real world stuff. Times to lose yourself in escapism. Both if those represent a functional need. But they’re in conflict. I wrote a long time ago about needing to find more balance in my life which is hard because of my black and white binary nature.

I need time alone to strengthen myself but I also need time with friends to lessen the burden and maybe have someone to share my life with.

So I started the day with a bad dream. The kind that leaves you shaken and fearful. It’s a dream I’ve had before and it’s impact hasn’t lessened.

Once more I dreamed of her. She was different now and I tried to talk to her but she dismissed me as someone who she had written off out of her life.

It showed me that I still want to be friends again and that she can still hurt me emotionally. I still love her despite everything that happened.

The same anxiety about being hurt that stopped me from staying friends with her.

But I’ve applied the useful advice I’ve picked up. No matter how hard or how long it takes, I sat down and digged deep. What is the root of what I’m feeling? What is the cause? What is the problem that needs to be resolved. How can I try to resolve it?

How far am I willing to go to resolve it. What will happen if it can’t be resolved?

So what it is that’s so important to me cause such anxiety? If the worst case happens, what do I have to fall back on?

I’m willing to put myself out there again so long as it doesn’t derail what I’m doing now which is to forge the relationship I’m building with myself.

Balance again. Balance the demands of caring for others with caring for myself. Doing both at the same time. Any conflict that would prevent that is either overcome or it isn’t.

In this virtual age there are alternatives to IRL friends. Its not quite the same but it’s better than nothing. I reminded of the main reason I fell in love with the Mass Effect video games.

Your squad of loyal friends. Facing up to existential threats with people by your side. People from wildly diverse alien species who share a common bond. They are a family, much closer than the family your born with.

They get to know you and trust you. They believe in you and they would follow you into hell. No matter how much we trust in ourselves having those people in your life makes everything better.

All along I’ve been preparing myself for returning to friend-seeking because I don’t really want to live the rest of my life alone. But I’ve needed to find a place where I’m happy alone. I’ve needed to find some way to deal with loss and that has come from being able to live with myself again.

I’m basically trying to learn how not to be afraid and that has meant dealing with being afraid. So I guess I ask the question what is anxiety anyway?

When I get anxious I get shaky, very shaky. Its like being hungry. I don’t know whether it’s a similar physical issue or not but there’s a sense of being too weak to stay in control. My body just decides to shake and there’s nothing I can do about it.

When I started going to the autism hub I read plenty of related material and the first thing that truly struck me was the idea that may brain goes into fight/fright/freeze/fawn mode. It gets stuck there. A physiological response that is not supposed to happen but does.

For many reasons I frequently don’t feel safe because I don’t have the experience of dealing with whatever sets my triggers off. Coping strategies have been there when really needed but they alone don’t let you actually deal with anything in a way that counts.

Historically, your rational brain goes AWOL in the presence of danger but in my case it goes in the presence of change and doubt. Insecurities and worries.

On to masking. I usually only mask when I’m around others because it was the first coping strategy I learnt and because well… it worked. There are many things that I can’t hide from myself. Its usually when I’m in social mode that the mask goes on forcefully enough to fool myself.

Any anxiety I feel is the first thing I actually hide from others because it’s always been a source of shame. In terms of promoting awareness of autism I shouldn’t hide this stuff. If people don’t understand me it’s probably because of how well I’ve hid it all from everyone.

I think to start with, I don’t need to stop masking entirely. Find the balance. Masking has kept me sane and protected me from a lot but it created too many problems.

It was a wild ride when I took that mask off and began to unleash my personal demons on Facebook. No one expected it and no one reached out to me as they were probably too scared about making things worse.

At that time I really just needed someone to reach out to me. I was craving attention to be honest because I’d finally felt the impact of having hid my true feelings away for so long.

Finding the balance. I’ll keep on saying that. Mask sometimes when it’s beneficial. Be honest when it’s beneficial. Don’t make either so routine to lock yourself in.

Of course don’t bottle things up. Easier said than done.

I’ve gotten back into making music and a new track will be done soon. A new concept for my next concept album. The concept is building/forging/finding/strengthening/being/living/loving/ respecting yourself. Putting yourself first. All the work I’ve done has been in isolation but there comes a point when you need to check in with others and have friends to talk to.

To deny that is to fool yourself.

I’ve got a lot to talk about at the moment which will probably be left for another day. Political rants will be forthcoming. Interconnections between mental health and personal politics, particular the identity kind of politics. Not why I’m here tonight though.

Just trying to make myself feel better. Finding the balance again. Sitting in a quiet pub, sipping the third or fourth pint, letting my thoughts into print. I never feel anxiety doing this. Blogging feels like a victory.

Though I still hold my writing to absurdly high standards and wish to do so much more with it, the act of writing feels like the best thing I’m doing by far.

I should just blog for the sake of blogging, even if its talking shit, just talking shit. At least I’m talking. Taking shit, talking shit, talking shit. Here alone it seems I can talk without anxiety.

Fuck those absurdly high standards, wish I could just write and talk shit forever. Don’t forget the balance though, balance the high standards with just talking shit.

Thank you for reading as always and I balance my love for you with love for myself xx

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s