Celebrating more

Blog time, I’ve been meaning to blog more. Got a few small hobbies keeping me entertained.

Celebrated the Man United Carabao cup win. Genuine feel good stuff from the players which has made me fall in love with football again.

I thought to myself, it’s the way the players celebrate every win like it’s the World Cup. Particular Lisandro Martinez who actually won the World Cup just 3 months ago.

Yeah, it’s something I heard a while back as part of mental health advice. Celebrate your wins. Celebrate taking part. Celebrate the lessons from losing.

All the good times in my life have been a celebration of taking part in social occasions. I was never good at the other side though. Dealing with the painful side of human existence.

I wanted to say a sincere thank you to those who subscribe and like my blog posts because it does make me feel good and that’s part of what I wanted to get from blogging.

The good feeling is the reward for having made a positive impact from writing about the stuff I write about. And so I’ll celebrate it as a win every time.

I’ve always wanted to be a respected voice for the autistic community but I don’t know if I’ve really managed to take things in that direction.

Still have many doubts about whether my diagnosis really says much about me. I’ve mostly just been sharing my perspective regardless of how my autism affects me.

Communication has always been my biggest weakness and and I don’t really know how to communicate in such a way as to describe how my autism manifests.

I watched several prominent autism/adhd Youtubers and I get the feeling that they don’t have the same communication problems that I have. For how could they when they successfully carve out a large audience for their sharing of autistic content.

It doesn’t really matter whether it’s verbal or written. I struggle to find the words that really speak clearly.

I was actually taken to a speech therapist in my first year of secondary school at age 12 as my PT was worried about why I didn’t ever ask or answer any questions in class. I just didn’t really want to or need to.

I suspect though that my mouth muscles didn’t develop properly due to lack of use and I just never felt like I was any good at talking. Mumbling and stumbling over words.

Looked into Hyperlexia because I learnt to read at a young age but I always thought I was just skim reading and I didn’t properly take in or absorb much information.

I got a good skill for learning the meaning of words through the context of how they’re used and I can quickly figure out how to use a new word. But I was never able to find the right word to use when talking about myself or when other people talk about themselves.

Communicating in a normal social way? Don’t do that well. But I don’t think I’ve really wanted to be normal so I talk in a way that makes things harder to understand. If I communicate something that needs to be said I’ll do it in a simple snappy way that doesn’t really encourage further debate.

I don’t think I lack social imagination. Quite the opposite in fact. Overwhelming is how I find social ideas and activities. But the filters are on hard. I don’t find normality all that interesting but I find it extremely hard to share my interests with others.

Too many words. Too many concepts. Too many implications. Too many possibilities. Too many choices. When I’m bored and need something new where all they all? Hidden away behind some dark veil I can’t explain.

I dont like change because my brain likes to understand how things are and routines make me feel comfortable because I can predict what will happen. Changes disturb all of that. Literally disturbing they are.

When my brain resettles and adjusts it begins to feel exciting and interesting but there is always a period of anxiety.

When i was with friends who i connected with it was addictive and I didnt ever want to stop. Sinve things fell apart i had to readjust and learn how to be happy on my own again. Now I’ve basically done that I don’t want to push myself back into socialising because I’ve gotten used to the freedom that comes with being only focused on making myself happy. I’m happy to be own my own now and I don’t want that to change.

Only one subject of focus at any time. Anything else just disturbs the peace.

Its time to get back into music making. I’ve been listening to one of my own tracks, the one I’m most proud of and like listening to. The glimmer of inspiration has been calling. It will be nice to take break from what I’m doing now. My spreadsheet projects.

Blogging is good for me because I feel more empowered when I do communicate something personal. Working a full time job, I now look forward to logging off at the end of the day so I can be free by myself to do what I want to do by myself.

And in that space I don’t need to talk to anyone or struggle with personal insecurities. Blogging for me now, is the best way for me to meet social needs. To get stuff off my chest and communicate without having to worry about anything. I’d still like to achieve a wider reach and get more likes.

Its doubtful whether the blog will ever be professional enough and I absolutely don’t want to sell it to anyone with the usual bells and trinkets. I just want to perfect the writing and let it speak for itself.

With my long term job security now not quite iron-clad, it may be a real option to seriously consider what I can do within the autism community.

What can I actually do for the autistic community. Dunno. Just be myself probably. Be a voice for advocacy and support but above all be honest.

If course I sank into a very dark place over the last 2 years. I simply wasn’t able to offer any kindness, gratitude, any positivity at all. There was simply no option but to react in the way I did and always have done. Only in a much deeper way than I ever had before.

Are you in a bad place? Why don’t you try being in a good place?

Eff off, it took so much time and work to turn my life around. I wish I had the words to explain and describe the process but it didn’t come from anything that can be put into words. Just a 40 year old man slowly plucking up the courage to stop being ashamed of himself and stop caring about what people think of him for the first time in his life.

One small step at a time. One boundary put in place here and there. And all of this without having conquered any of the biggest fears. They still remain. Still avoiding many things.

Some things that will always be a source of anxiety and I’ve reevaluated the wisdom of actually avoiding environments where I don’t deal with things very well. I’ve let go of silly fantasies of magically fixing myself.

Letting go of any notion that I should meet expectations that aren’t reasonable for a man with my condition.

No less than altering the fundamental approach to life to finally reflect who I really am and what capable or incapable of.

I hesitate to say it but it’s been on my mind. I think I might actually be mentally healthy now. I can appreciate and show those things I listed above. To show gratitude. To now celebrate everything I’ve done that has got me to this point.

It may always be fragile in the end.

Never far away from having the peace disturbed. Have I just learned how best to avoid and not actually learned how to deal with any conflict?

It’s no longer of any importance to. I don’t feel any urge to change who I am anymore. Or to learn or to grow. That will come anyway, I don’t need to force it.

Maintaining the desire to be great at anything I do without letting it destroy me.

Ultimately I’ll always be highly sensitive to how others see me. I’ll always be hyper-self-conscious around other people.

I’ll probably never be what is commonly thought of as “cool”.

But in my isolation I now see myself as cool enough. Can I hold onto that? Will reconnecting with friends destroy that feeling? I’d rather not risk it right now.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I think I was always more scared of myself than I was scared of other people. In some ways it amounts to the same thing. I react to other people, they are the trigger but I’m the one who fears.

And how I always wished it wasn’t the case. But wishing doesn’t get you anything does it?

Something weird happened. I actually began to love myself despite all my faults. The really important thing I did was merely to put myself first. To finally recognise that I’m only in control of my own wellbeing and to fight for others wellbeing but never at the cost of my own.

So let’s celebrate this victory for what it is. A love denied for so long has now been earned and given.

Thank you for reading and anything beyond that I love you very much.

Jamie xx


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