I’m compelled to continue on with this topic for a third part as events of last week have brought some things into focus.
The more time I spend alone, distancing myself from everyone, the harder it is to actually deal with unpleasant situations that arise in the real world outside.
This was the kind of thing I’ve been talking about this whole time. Learning how to actually deal with things instead of hiding away. The time spent by myself, the work of trying to improve myself. It was meant to make me more secure and confident.
Of course I get less confident to be out in the real world day by day. I had another opportunity to confront the past and make amends and once more I bottled it.
I was faced with the biggest decision a while back, to choose to progress outwards or to shrink further into myself and live the rest of my life isolated and alone. I chose the former but my actions scream the latter.
What really have I achieved travelling this lonely road? Just feels like a sheltered existence that is neither fun nor open to the new.
I had my latest 1-to-1 with my team leader at work. It was discussed how I had to pick a personal goal to work on this year and even now doubts are creeping about whether I will realistically make any progress towards it.
I had aimed to become an SME, a trusted team member who is the point of call for the book if business I work on. It was also suggested that I produce a full training manual and establish new processes with one of the senior analysts.
Now that our work is being transferred to a new company next year, it doesn’t really feel like there’s much point now. But I think I was always too scared of the responsibility and I just like working my own way anyway.
Part of my personality involves just being good at my job and i feel somewhat pressured to have to always be growing my professional development.
If I don’t show evidence of professional growth this year, will I be told I’m no longer wanted?
This part of me is looking out for betrayal and abandonment. I’m not sure I would want to work for a company that forces me to do something uncomfortable and would ditch me if I don’t.
This is one of the reasons why I still don’t truly invest myself in anything. How long until I get shafted?
How long until I just give up because things get too difficult?
I’m not happy with life at the moment but at least I’m safe to some extent.
With that being said I still feel lots of anxiety because there’s so much going on that can go wrong at any minute. So much doubt that things will be ok.
So much on the horizon that I wouldn’t be able to deal with. Bad things happen but they can be dealt with in such a way as to help you keep going and carry on, perhaps come out of it a little wiser and stronger.
For all I try to calculate and overthink, I just don’t know or can’t predict the outcomes of decisions to be made. This is where life experience comes in handy and experience can only ever be gained by doing, never by avoiding.
In order for me to do anything difficult, I need to know a few things. How much time and effort? How likely am I to achieve the desired result. What possible scenarios may arise? How can I escape if there is trouble?
When you spend your whole life avoiding such things, knowledge becomes impossible.
Is there anyone who can and will make compromises and accommodations for me or do I have to do all the compromising?
There is much I have to do by myself but how far can I take things if I refuse and choose to isolate further and live by my own rules?
Always the fear in my mind is that I’ll end up somewhere without help and without the means of survival. That I’ll find myself in deep trouble and end up ruining my life.
I haven’t talked about it much on here but it’s an old idea that, sub-consciously, I want to fail. Want to be proved right to be negative. Want to fuck things up. Want to destroy anything good.
In complete opposition to my conscious which wants everything to be good. Wants to be happy. Wants to succeed.
A compartmentalisation of the two sides of my psyche. Still to this day I lump the autism in with the dark side. The mind is good and happy when I can overcome the usual difficulties I have and hence why I continue to see my autism as all that is bad in my life.
And it’s impossible for me to just be positive when my judgements have always been based on outcomes in reality.
Long time readers will know that I frequently express horror at the ableist attitudes of others who don’t understand what it’s like, but I live in my head 24/7. I know it’s not a good place to be.
We’re all subjective beings but other people are the gateway to an objective reality as perceived by subjective beings. Science operates by other people recreating experiments to ensure results are reproduced in agreement.
The truth about me is that my beliefs are heavily influenced by others and my actions mirror the actions of others because that way lies consensus and a shared reality.
Few people can really understand what it truly means to be alone enough to lose grip on objective reality and be consumed by their own subjective ideology.
I’ve always been heavily critical of subjective ideology and the truth is I don’t want to become that type of person that believes all of their own bullshit. I can’t really judge because I’m not above my fellow humans in this regard.
Maybe I have such issues with confidence because I can’t let myself be subjective. And I couldn’t respect anyone else’s subjectivity.
Maybe this is why I struggle with social anxiety because everyone, myself included, has to be objective and right all the fucking time.
And everyone has to be in agreement otherwise were all just egos believing our own bullshit.
Conflict? Someone must be wrong. Objective reality is breaking down and someone must be wrong to save it. That someone is usually me.
Yes, masking. It’s so much more tolerable to just be like everyone else rather than create a schism by being different and feeling like the only one who believes.
And yet I love when I’m confident enough to be different and subversive. Being unique is what makes you interesting.
I guess the take home message is that I’m too self-conscious of being too different. Standing out not in a good way but feeling like a freak to point adult and laugh at.
I mask to stop feeling like a solipsistic freak basically. To ground myself in a human reality and to feel part of something.
The truth of spending too much time alone is that it feels like there is nothing else out there except what goes on in the subjective experience. But at least there remains a modicum of control.
There is safety and predictability in knowing you are going to fail so why bother trying. But that is so not a good way to live your life.
My brain is still stuck in safety mode but the longer it stays there, the less safe it actually feels.
To escape is to merely switch off the safe mode and take a risk. Best bet though is to be cautious and take things one small step at a time.
There is another way to touch base with reality and that is to experiment. Just do. Something. Anything. Jot down the results and take note of what works.
Thank you as always for reading. It would be good if it helps someone but they are just ideas at the end of the day xx
Jamie's Blog 