The same person I always used to be

Back to the blog tonight. Start with sharing some good news. Having spent many hours looking for the name of this track, it was in my head for a while and I just had to listen to it again.

My memory. I tried every trick I could think of to trigger it. Nothing worked. Driving myself mad. But then I tried looking for the old archive of tracklists for Pete Tong’s old Radio 1 show.

Here’s where a rare bit of fortune went my way. The archive was available as far back as April 2002 and do you know where I found it? The second week of April 2002.

I spotted the name and knew it was the one I wanted. That was my whole tactic. It was just a matter of seeing the name and clicking.

It’s not even that I spend all my time listening to it but to have it in my memory and now to have it downloaded on iTunes. It’s there whenever I fancy it.

I have been making slow progress on my own music. Working on two tracks at a time to try and shake things up. Although what happened was that I got stuck on the first and haven’t worked on that one since.

I’m putting a lot of time and effort into the new one and it sounds good to me but I’m always trying to make it better. I haven’t settled on the sounds I want yet so haven’t started the arranging. Not yet putting the pieces together to make the song.

But I discovered a new technique, using the Delay and Chorus plugin. It’s just more finely crafted this time.

I may have another go with the first track but that needs quite a bit of untangling to get into shape.

It’s gonna be a new “album” or tranche of tracks and they need a new piece of artwork to go with them. That’ll be for the near future.

I’m thinking of creating a new playlist dedicated to the music I loved in 2002. It was when i really became a regular listener to all of Radio 1s dance and club shows.

All of the oldest tracks I remember them playing were all around that same time. It was an intense period of my life. I dropped out of uni that month and the music was my real obsession at that time.

I was growing into a whole new subculture of genre having been raised as a metalhead. Just discovered my love of clubbing which was the love and getting drunk and dancing to electronic music.

Won’t find many autistics who like night clubs and I wouldn’t like them either if it wasn’t for the alcohol.

It feels like in general I’m slowly becoming my old self again. Miserable old sold he was. Fondly reminiscing over a period of my life when I was still young and energetic. Happiness came in intense bursts and the lows were just as intense. But back then I still had my future ahead of me.

I find it harder than ever to find something that holds my interest for a sustainable time. Everything now I just monomaniacally fixate on until I burn myself out fairly quickly.

This despite the ongoing attempt to slow everything down to stay calm. But I’m just very bored again. It’s a familiar place to be and so it feels more natural and comfortable but I’m still bored.

Another long weekend thanks to coronation. Another Monday off. Time to get out and catch up with people I haven’t seen for a while. Something different to do.

I’ll celebrate the royal assassination anytime but I’m not paying any attention to the ridiculous charade.

Bought myself a new pair of trainers last week. Not terribly comfortable at the moment. The hard plastic at the back is digging into my heel. I thought they were too big when I tried them on but having already asked to try another size I didn’t want keep pushing it.

I’m now wondering whether they’re actually too small so they’re not breaking in very well. Don’t know but the soreness is giving me a distraction at least. I can cope with physical discomfort better than mental discomfort.

Things feel more stable now.

Thinking of how I used to be before I was diagnosed. Despite what everyone says it still doesn’t feel like things are better now. Family treat me mostly the same although we’re less close now.

A steady mix of masking my difficulties and completely coming out of my shell when things are going well, that was my way.

I never made excuses. I lived as much as my condition allowed me to. I walked away and buried myself when things become too difficult. I always did just enough to survive.

The most important thing I read about autism while I was on the waiting list to be diagnosed, was how my brain always tell me something isn’t right. It felt a relief to know that it was just inside my head.

But that doesn’t change how I still see the world as something that isn’t right. Always something that needs fixing. Always something that feels not ok.

In my case the diagnosis with nothing else but the curse of knowledge. The curse of self-awareness. Never been on any medication for it. Never had any counselling designed with autism in my mind. More of the same.

How is the long term goal of gaining self-confidence and security going? I care less what people think of me but then I just care less about people full stop.

It hasn’t really changed much at all has it? I’m no more or less autistic than I used to be but now I just live more autistically if that makes sense.

Bored. Nervous. Nervous. Bored. Ad infinitum.

Tired. Wired. Wired. Tired.

Such is life I guess. On to the next whatever. One day at a time and all that.

What is next? Fuck knows but I’ll find an excuse to write a blog about it.

But yeah, a door was opened into all the darkness I keep hidden away and I’m unable to wash it all off. Or just unwilling.

Having to come to terms who I really am, well it’s a full journey into the dark heart with no quick way out. People don’t tell you that there are reasons to mask and they don’t appreciate why.

It’s worth asking the question if my masking is an inseparable part of who I am, if it is in fact a part of my autism? As weird as that sounds but I face situations I don’t know how to deal with and my mind just goes blank. My face just adopts a non-threatening expression precisely because I’m trying to take some control.

I wish for a world where I don’t have to but that’s not the world we live in.

But I’m slowly starting to remember which version of myself I like best. The man who says what he believes and doesn’t pretend to be something he isn’t. But also the man who cares enough about people to take part and show people that I care about them.

It’s no coincidence that long depressions occur when I have to put myself first and shut myself off. How then, to stay strong enough? To walk the tightrope between socialising and shutdown?

I don’t have any answers, if anyone else does, answers on a postcard please.

To offer myself some suggestions, let’s find that special something that will help me like myself again. And for that I should throw off the shackles and put myself back out there. But to do it properly I should allow myself to do what I haven’t done for so long.

To forget that I’m autistic for a while and allow myself to be the same person I always used to be.

Thanks for reading as always. The journey continues as will the blog. I hope to find the path that can help anyone going through the same.

Some would say the journey is more important than the destination. It is the journey that I share xx