Delving

Blogging about something today. Stuff to get off my chest. What do I feel like delving into?

I’m in the process of processing the on going trauma of the last year.

I wanted companionship. I wanted more than companionship, a family where I belonged with people like me.

The deepest friendship I’ve ever had that I never wanted to end. Because nothing else gave my life any meaning. Nothing else gave me a reason to get out of bed every day.

I never could deal with loss very well. I still hold on to the past. I still don’t really see a future where I’m happy.

I’m still wishing I wasn’t so autistic. That I could just move on and will myself into being positive. It’s just in my nature to be at peace.

I have so much anger buried away that I can’t get out. I won’t let myself.

The path in taking now is finally to respect myself enough to walk away and finally let go. I understand that I needed to do what’s best for me as my friends did for themselves and protect myself.

I don’t think I want people in my life anymore. At least not until I’ve dealt with all the trauma that I’m saddled with.

I wanted to rise above and be able to do the right thing and be the person people needed me to be.

I don’t know any other way to be but to reciprocate how others treat me. In that effect I think I was a mirror to others. To understand that your actions have an effect on those around you.

In this age of germ panic I wanted people to understand how devastating it is to be treated as a vector of sickness and disease. In my case it touched on my deepest and strongest insecurities.

We used to talk about how many relationships had ended during the mandated covid terror. It forced us all to confront some fundamental conflicts.

I regret not standing up for myself. I needed my friends support so much but I suspected all along that our friendship would end.

I blamed them for shutting the door on me when I needed them the most. In actual fact it was me who shut the door for all intents and purposes.

I can’t be that person who stays positive and can forgive. I don’t think I want friends anymore. It’s time for me to be the friend I always needed.

I always did wear a mask around people. The mask of friendliness. The thing I really need people to understand about me is that I’m highly vulnerable to feeling other people’s emotions and I’m not in control of myself and how i feel when I’m around others.

I know now that I can’t deal with fears. Not just my own but particularly other people’s. I block it out and can’t accept it or face it.

This is why I can’t really deal with boundary issues. Again both my own and others. I know how wonderful life can be without fear.

I love my autistic friends very deeply but at the same time I hate them for succumbing to their fears and accepting their fate.

As I learn to be more accepting of my autism I find myself walking the same path they did and I’m now protecting myself by shutting myself away.

We were so scared of hurting each other that we couldn’t overcome the conflict that came between us and couldn’t be friends anymore.

They had other friends to tell them they were fine as they were and shouldn’t ever compromise themselves.

I had no friends to tell me I was in the right because I was the one who was visibly suffering and that if I wanted to be happy I should be more selfless and more considerate of others.

I’ve seen the discourse around autistic mental health and I don’t find it empowering or inspiring. I’m not inspired by anyone’s positivity but I am inspired by those who fearlessly call out inane bullshit wherever they see it.

I know deep down the person I want to be is not afraid to call a spade a “f**king c**t” and doesn’t give a solitary shit.

I hope those reading can understand why.

Thanks again and kind regards x

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