Abscissa – Autism and Techno Blog

Quick trip to the pub tonight and that means time for a new blog. What am I going to write about? I’m sure I’ll meander my way to a point about something.

A couple of rough days at work this week where my brain just felt overwhelmed and everything felt like it took thrice as long to do as it should have. My TL has given me a polite and respectful kick up the arse which I probably needed.

Left to my own devices I’ll just end up dithering and getting lost inside my head. The new work I’m doing is apparently an easy book where higher volumes of productivity are to be expected. It doesn’t feel that way at the moment although there are plenty of quick wins.

There are a number of things that slow me down but sometimes my brain is just overworked.

All my time at work is spent on a computer working and all my free time is spent on a computer playing. They both involve mental work and drain energy.

I’m quite literally doing nothing other than playing Horizon Forbidden West. I cannot stop. Well rarely I can as I have today. It’s lurking in the back of the mind that everything else is fading away or starting to rot and I should probably start to make changes.

I haven’t been looking after myself in any way. Just depriving myself of more and more sleep while losing tolerance doing anything else.

Not far off coming to the end of the game, at least the point where I’ll have done everything I want to do with the game. So thoughts turn to what I’ll do next. Find another game to play? Not sure what can live up to fun I’ve had with this game.

Thinking about getting back into horror. Download a horror specialist streaming service and look for the most disturbing, nastiest stuff out there. I used to love watching horror with friends but after the fall out I had to distance myself from it and lost interest.

Listening to some proper dark techno at the moment. Deep kick drums that feel like an apocalyptic boom every beat, even at 160+ bpm.

My own artistic endeavours have been paused as I don’t have the real desire to work on them at the moment. It may be time to finally unleash the creative writer and express myself in ways I’m probably a bit freer to work in. Pure imagination with only words required.

I’ve said that a million times and I don’t expect to do it straight away but ideas have been developing again.

Despite misgivings about going back to the old self-psychoanalysis, I’ve been revisiting the old MBTI from a fresh perspective and have to come to a brand new conclusion. That I’m possibly an ENTJ. The personality type that stereotypically describes commanders, leaders and CEOs.

Of course I’m not anything like that stereotype but it got me thinking about how that’s who I would’ve could’ve been if I hadn’t had it drummed out of me by life.

Maybe I need to be that commander to live my best life and stop holding myself back. It does though demonstrate how little merit the MBTI system has in actually describing someone’s personality.

But then it only really generalises certain potential strengths and weaknesses as the brain’s preferred modes.

I think the search has always been for who I could have been and can still be if could ever ditch the crippling inhibitions and to understand how life can be better by being myself.

2 years ago, when the pain started, the first thing I shared on social media addressing it, I said I just wanted to break free of the prison that is my own mind. Added to that is the fear of swinging from one unbalanced extreme to another.

Do I really believe that life will be better even if I could break free?

Do what I’m good at doing while respecting the desire to walk the darker path and explore the dreams of the “other self”.

I’ve kind of stopped thinking about what I should be doing and no longer have any real goals to target. Guessing that has made me somewhat calmer now and more philosophical. It doesn’t seem like freedom or empowerment right now but it’s a million miles away from where I was not long ago.

The one thing I don’t want is to get bogged down again in despair. Of course it’s difficult to let things go. Difficult to give up and admit defeat.

My whole life has been a search for mental stimulation. It usually comes externally but the bright flames of obsession come from within and this who I will always be.

“I will burn like the brightest star!”

“You’re gonna burn, alright”

xx