Abscissa – Autism and Techno Blog

Time for another blog. This is one is more of a brief catch up tbh.

Did write a lengthy, passionate diatribe last friday. It’s still in draft form, 99% complete. Though I lost interest in completing it. Not really sure why, but it feels like a signpost for something.

I will probably publish it soon. But there was a point I was making. It was something I probably needed to tell myself more than anything. And without finishing what felt like a great set of statements, I’d written enough.

I’d written enough to break through the emotional wall, actually let myself cry a little. Finally stopped feeling the need to prove myself and come to terms with the fact life is not serving me well and I’m still very sad.

I can do little when there is constant pressure and little pleasure. All my recent attempts to create some cool artwork have not gone as well as I’d hoped. Motivation is hard enough even when it goes well.

And so to actually take some pressure off, I’ll probably just take an alternative approach and use something a bit simpler and easier for my tracks. An idea in mind of just having a cool quote or maybe even just steal some image.

The music is calling me. I want to make some new tracks and make something really good. Finally gotten round to fully downloading some sample loop stuff I bought with the aim of creating a better sound. Though it’s melodies that are truly what I feel.

It was once more in the cold light of sobriety that I felt at odds with the drunken release of revelation. The words which make me cry last friday now felt, what’s the word, cringy? Sadly pathetic? Loserish? Deeply uncool and desperate? Not desperate for people but desperate to just be cool. Everything I feel I’m missing in myself.

Does it really help me to make this point publically, even though it’s honest about where I am now which is still not where I want to be.

Still the inevitable result of drowning under the pressure, too much for me to handle alone. Give me some help to lift me out of this cycle of misery by actually offering friendship. Don’t expect me to ask for help if you leave me to struggle, alone and abandoned.

If I have to dig myself out of this hole, it’ll take literally every fibre of my being to be able to function and keep going. I don’t have any energy or will left to embrace my vulnerability.

Just as I’m writing this a couple of tipsy girls have come over to talk to me. I’m awkward as hell, rusty as hell. And yet I was able to talk and have a good conversation so I guess that’s progress. They told me they’re both neurodivergent and I felt some small connection.

I hope to see them again get to know them better and I would hope to be much less socially awkward. I’ll always be awkward around strangers, particularly attractive girls. But then I was much more comfortable talking to them than I would have thought.

With that being said I’m not in any rush to push for anything. No numbers exchanged and I may never see them again.

But you know, it was a fucking lift anyway. Made me feel like I was worth talking to. Not really entertaining any romantic plans or anything. The one girl was married anyway but she seemed cool to have as a friend.

They say you should always be yourself but it sucks so badly to be socially awkward. I can’t really hide my awkwardness anyway. The work goes on. To become genuinely unawkward without hiding my true thoughts and feelings.

It makes a change to mark the end of this post with some actual sign of social progress. A little glimmer of hope that I can be happy again.

A small hope that the world I knew and was raised in didn’t end. That I’m no longer defined by the past, haunted by the past. There may be a future after all.

Maybe I can show my face to those in the past, that they no longer have to be my present and future. All it took was a pretty new face to talk to me without pitying me for being alone.

That’s the sort of thing it takes and always did take for me to consider making the effort for me to actually live life, not just grudglingly exist.

Fuck it, let’s get on with living shall we?

Thanks as always for reading xx