Abscissa – Autism and Techno Blog

New blog tonight and you know what that means. Having a few drinks. Well it’s been a tough week in some ways. Time to relax.

I only came out tonight for one main reason. It’s hot here, I’ve has the window open and I can hear the sounds of some outdoor gig. Probably a concert in the town park.

There’s a pull going on. Opposing forces. The compulsion to go out and spend some quality time doing a social activity. As hooked as I was in what I was doing, the pull of the buzz meant that I couldn’t really justify stopping in for a quiet one.

Since being robbed of my previous social group, this is the third summer in a row that I just haven’t done anything properly summery. No holidays, no trips, nothing shared with my fellow humans at this most open, happy and liberating time of year.

No frolics in the sun. And I miss it. Even 2020 and the first summer of the panic pandemic, things opened up over the summer and we made the most of it.

Always the case of wanting everything, wanting too much. There are conflicting things I want and that’s ok as at least I do want something.

But this talk of freedom is influenced by a feeling that I’ve dealt with things that made me worry, that held me back. In part they’ve only been dealt with by accepting that I struggle with things. License have been given to say no, that’s not for me. License to ignore reality for a while and pursue higher dreams.

What is the point in pushing yourself without the freedom needed to do things your own way?

I have been wanting so many things in reality, but more and more do I just want to lose myself in fantasy again. I’m not talking about pushing ideological bullshit onto others but just to believe in the daydream.

Spending most of my free time playing and replaying the old Fighting Fantasy gamebooks of my youth. Two things I love, playing a new one blind, not knowing all the answers. And secondly mapping out the complete flow chart so I know all the answers.

Have also gone back to ones mapped out a while back and reliving all the possible paths. Yes it’s on my mind that I’d love to write my own gamebook. The same thing stopping as always is a lack of belief that it would be any good. My own perfectionism would make the job harder than it already is.

But I’m one step closer now. A notion that it would be so good for me to even say I’m doing it. Maybe that I could finally hold my head up high and say I’m actually doing it.

I probably said the same about making music. I’ve made tracks, some of which I absolutely love. It’s a different thing to create. The music has always just been for me to express myself and my emotional state via melancholic melodies and booming kick drums.

What’s makes the difference is that thinking about writing my own FF gamebook makes me feel good, makes me feel free. I look forward to the day I do it.

Ironically it sounds like a fantasy itself. May very well never happen. I’m running out of books I haven’t read yet and the day may come that I have to do it myself.

The magic of escapist fiction married to conditional logic of game rules. The complex logic of activity network nodes and links.

Video games well and truly stuffed the gamebook but they still hold a special place in my heart. The charm is in how the gamebook player has to administer the game themselves.

But as I said before, summer is calling. I’m not talking to anyone but it’s nice to be out anyway. Ice cold beers and all that. It’s still too warm, didn’t need to bring a hoodie top.

Tonight might not be the night for getting hammered and drunk-dancing in the park at night. Not feeling so spiritual. But then it’s still early days, you never know.

Like always with this blog it’s about getting in touch with myself in the absence of social fulfilment.

Scraping away some metaphysical muck from my soul. I’ll always share my joy with those who being me joy, but since no-one else does anymore, I only choose to share darkness now. And I don’t feel so much darkness at the moment.

Well maybe that’s not strictly true. I guess the path I’m looking for is the light that I don’t feel like sharing. If I have to find the light within myself then you can bloody well find your own light.

Darkness is more interesting anyway. I’ve always wanted more than realistic expectations and have never shied away from pessimism.

I dreamed without any real hope, then occasionally hoped. Then my hopes were dashed and I struggled to even dream of anything more than misery. Now I hope again, knowing there’s work to do. Forever kidding myself that I might one day do the work.

This is why I write (the blog). Partly to motivate myself, partly to justify why I haven’t motivated myself. To tell myself it’s ok to escape. To tell myself anything at all to distract myself from the fact that I’m not doing anything.

I write this blog because I’m bored of living in my head and battling the demons always make it interesting. Fuck inner peace. It is easier though, much easier than actually socialising.

Come forth demons! Take me away from dealing with stuff in the real world and give me satisfaction! Make my struggling existence mean something to me other than stress.

Let me stand up in this solipsistic plane and pretend to be the master. Pretend to be the demon-slayer. Let me build you up to knock you down. And let me do it all over again whenever I need this shallow, empty victory.

Know that I will never defeat you because I need you more than anything or anyone else. Give me something new to work with please.

I see now that I have to give you something new to work with. Never fear on that score.

Everyone knows what it is like to lose control. No one knows what it is like to control every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year. Year after year.

You are me and I am you, how cliched. You are the demons who always stand beside me and follow my orders. I wish only that you could disobey and break free from my control..

Call yourself demons FFS. What use are you?

The demons have gone conspicuously silent. What a shower of cowards.

Thank you as always for reading xx