Abscissa – Autism and Techno Blog

Greetings, about time for another blog. Quick update on what I’ve been up to as it’s been a while. And when I say quick I mean it won’t take long.

Because little has changed in all honesty. Nothing new to report, still the same old same old.

Work’s going ok. New girl has completed her training and she’s doing most of the work I used to do. Another lad is leaving and so I’m in training for another book of business.

Some good news to come out is that it looks like I’ll still have a job when the company transfers over to new owners. Despite my workload easing I’m still busy and struggling a little to keep up with all the different tasks.

My brother had a bad day at work and said he didn’t want to talk to anyone. It struck me of course that is how I feel everyday. Things never really go the way I want and I feel under such pressure to do things I’m not good at.

Always feeling that things will turn out horrible and just not wanting to try. Not wanting to bother. Not wanting to risk and put my head on the chopping block.

I have of course been isolating myself further and further, very rarely giving time to people. Had taken a break from blogging as well because I’ve been more hesitant to post stuff. Gone to the pub without my phone on one occasion. That was tough but I at least had my Ipod until that battery died.

Plenty of hobbies and projects to do at home. Generally been doing ok by myself. Don’t really need to talk to myself or get demons off my chest.

At a point in life where I can see the person I am now will be who I always will be and I’m not really sad or scared about that anymore. Taking time away from other people does ease any ill feelings over seeing other people flaunt what they have and I can’t have.

I haven’t wanted to be like anyone else for quite some time now. Proud of who I am and what I’ve had to overcome. Doesn’t mean I am happy with life and wouldn’t help me to become sociable again.

Not really sure what motivated me to go out and blog tonight. Possibly that I have just missed it, or that I have done nothing all weekend to contribute to living life. Maybe even just to see if I’ve still “got it”.

I look forward to weekends now because I’ll always treasure free time without any pressure, just to do whatever I want and feel like doing. Going to bed when I want, getting up when I want, not caring about anything but being able to be free.

I may not be able to do what I really, deeply want to but I am free. It’s my me time. I quite like the job I do and sometimes work over, but I’ll always prefer play over work. Always liked playing, it’s where I feel I belong.

I’ve always been pushed and encouraged to make friends because that seems like the healthy, “normal” thing to do. Spending time alone in my room playing games was seen as unhealthy and life-wasting.

What did I do when I had friends? Played games of course. Had fun, enjoyed life. Felt free to do what I wanted to do. Wasn’t wasting my life then, was I?

At what point does having friends stop becoming fun and become work? When it stops being freedom to play and causes pressures and expectations that are impossible to meet.

I could probably recount the short list of people who I genuinely called friends, everyone else was just an acquaintance of some sort. Being friends meant that I liked them and wanted to spend time with them. And if it made me happy then I would quickly grow attached, wanting to keep doing the same things that made me happy.

Pushing me away directly or indirectly by moving on, well friendships become work, stop being fun and ultimately leave me grieving the loss.

I don’t feel abandoned anymore though, I’m more free than I’ve ever been now that I’m on my own. If I have to be alone to play then I’d rather do that.

I would also say now that I’m not really in conflict with myself anymore either. I can want mutually exclusive things and take my time to decide. There isn’t enough time in life, I get through by denying this and ignoring it.

Was thinking the other day about whether my thoughts about autism have changed now. I do probably think differently about it now that I’ve gone through this experience. Well right now I don’t actually have much to say at all.

I guess it was good to take a break from it but like anything, it’s hard to get back into it after letting it go.

The truth seems to be that I needed to understand and accept it so I could finally be a friend to myself first and foremost. For all the kindness and affection I gave to others, for the times I felt like I was playing the part of a wonderful human being, I had and still have very little real understanding and forgiveness for others. Very little trust in people.

All stemming from those deep insecurities and issues unresolved, unconquered.

I think being a perpetual hyperchild left me believing I already knew everything at an early age and left nowhere to actually grow and learn into adulthood. My belief systems are the same now as they were then. My morals and politics have varied depending on external influences but the core values never ever changed.

Eating a bit of humble pie to say I don’t know much at all and that I have to study to learn. Assuming I want to actually do the work. But some things can only be learned through painful trial and error.

Reflecting on stuff is good. Ruminating less so perhaps. But then that’s just a measure of how my brain is more occupied with other stuff now. Always looking for something to keep it busy with stimulation.

Something to play with.

Thanks for reading xx