Abscissa – Autism and Techno Blog

Greetings time for another blog. I have a plan for tonight actually. First time in a long time, a big televised event that only happens once a year.

Yes I’ll be watching this years WWE Royal Rumble. Signed up for their network, if only for tonight. Been looking forward to it.

Pre show doesn’t start til midnight my time so a few pints tonight beforehand.

To briefly continue with last weekends blog, I realised the real reason I came and restarted blogging. I was starting to feel over the last few weekends a growing feeling that I shouldn’t be staying in on these precious weekends.

Playing on the PS4 or doing my puzzle books, or just monging in bed watching vids. It does feel and more like it’s time to kick start my life again.

It was always the case of missing the excitement of happier times. What made me happy was the same thing that made me feel excited.

Excited without the crippling fears and anxieties. I could argue all day how such fears are a massive part of myself and I’ll always have to live with them. I don’t ever chose to be anxious, only how I deal with it, and even then it’s little choice.

Running out of things that trigger anything other than stress. To find something or someone that triggers the good kind of excitement is rare indeed.

It’s all very well saying this is who I am, what I am, but I don’t want to define myself so completely. No desire to restrict myself any more than necessary. Nor do I want to be too complex or too simple.

I do think that I will always be chasing some addiction or other and I will never be happy enough.

I’m surprised to think now how far I am away from the desperate scrabble for any kind of self-help. Any conventional wisdom or social norm. I just kept on shutting everyone out and retreating further and further away from society.

There remains the constant desire to keep myself safe and stable but always present is the desire to rattle the old cage and remember I’m alive.

There is no doubt in my mind that I lead a selfish and shallow life now. Writing this blog is my attempt to find something deeper, something profound within myself.

How much I would love to my next blog to reveal that I’ve found the solution to the mystery of life or sold my novel to a publisher for millions or ended the genocide in Gaza or seduced thousands of beautiful women or discovered time travel or spoke to a God and convinced them to end all death or got Pete Tong to make my track his Track of the Week or…

Maybe something more plausible like quitting smoking or finding my own place and moving out.

Nah, same shit everyday. Getting through each day is the only victory. Anything else is too much. Finding a support network and maintaining it takes work.

The external world is too much and the internal world is not enough.

Such is the contradiction that drives my inner conflict.

Taught and raised that selfishness is bad and selflessness is good. Part of the moral framework. I needed to be selfish at times so I did what I could to not burden anyone else with my problems.

It was and is within me to be a reckless soul who will take and take. Perhaps even to the point of abusive and manipulative behaviours. But then I always punished myself for any and every transgression. No, I fought against myself to be an absolute angel to everyone.

An angel in standing but truthfully never doing anything that wasn’t asked for or expected.

I live to pursue something that cannot be understood or controlled but yet I could not pursue without understanding or control.

When confronted with this truth, there was nothing left but to walk away. The day I have to put someone else’s interests before my own is the day I stop protecting myself.

I think I would rather be a demon to others than an angel, don’t trust angels anymore. For it is better to be a demon than nothing at all.

There are many ways to justify the shitty things I did and many more ways to avoid taking responsibility and owning the shitty things I did.

I’m not gonna change myself without a good reason. Doubt that a good reason is sufficient even then. I’m still an addict and I’d rather it not be a problem.

Thanks for reading as ever x