Abscissa – Autism and Techno Blog

Greetings, time for another blog. Blogging has become difficult recently. Last couple of tries remain in drafts, unlikely to be finished. If you’re wandering what happened to part 1, there’s your answer.

Still trying though. Time alone at home is proving to be slim at the moment. Tonight is as much aboit getting away as much as anything else.

Plenty of pondering done these days. Sleepless nights spent ruminating over old shit.

The difference these days though, is that it’s remembering the pain rather than reliving it. Remembering the joy as well, feeling good.

Some tough times ahead, all change at work as the TUPE transfer goes ahead and besides, no other aspect of life looks like getting easier.

Actually most of my old work has been reallocated to colleagues which is nice but I’ll be starting on my new work. The notoriously horrendous book of business that will test my strength and skill.

It’s getting harder to tap into the vein of self-redlection and meaningful dialogue that I need. Harder and harder to face up to what I have planned.

Maybe I’m fine as I am and don’t need to look for further fixes. I’m not that unhappy at the moment. Things are going as well as can be expected.

The feeling is that I’m still on a dead-end path to nowhere and my life hasn’t changed in the way I wish. I wake up with the same everything everyday and it’s a little bit samey.

There has been plenty to talk about recently, times where I wished I was still on Facebook.  Where I thought about just doing it. But still not.

I’m trying to reach that point where I only share the stuff that’s golden, sure-fire to get good results. Only stuff that represents a meaningful win for having shared it.

Say stuff that’s truly unique because it’s the stuff no one else ever says. So onto the title of the blog. Tired of being fake.

I’m starting from this position precisely because no one would expect to hear it. And because it’s true. At least it was true when I originally tried to write about it.

Everyone gives the same advice, “just be yourself” until I get sick and tired of hearing it. Alas it is the salient point to discuss. Lots of excuses, lots of pleading for understanding. It is long past time that I learn how to do it.

Not caring what people think or feel, sounds horrible doesn’t it? But it is what I must do to find myself.

An example of the kind of hypocrisy that society tells you one thing but then hates you for doing it. Not caring means I’m not hostage to it anymore, I guess.

Well I remain as fixed as ever about wanting the fruits of my work judged well but not about being judged as a good person. I’m quite capable of being a good person, don’t need anyone else to tell me that. Not interested in people pleasing anymore and I don’t do things out of kindness but because they are the right things to do. Most of the time anyway, I’m not perfect.

It may seem like I’m still being the doormat, not saying no. But then that is a part of who I am. I don’t like saying no, don’t like being selfish and sulky. Only when necessary.

What I finally grew to dislike, more than that, had to address, was the tendency to suppress all that difficult stuff and constantly put on a false front.

Part of my journey was taking the opportunity to lash out occasionally and just flat out refuse. Tell people indirectly how deeply troubled I was becoming.

There are times when I’m just no good to anyone. No point in pretending otherwise.

Talking about autistic communication struggles, it’s taken 40 years and one personal disaster too many to finally loom myself in the face and find that need to express myself honestly.

And yet of course, it remains massively difficult for me to do so.

I question whether much I’ve blogged about for the last 3 years has been honest. Wasn’t I still trying to impress people with my writing? Did I say what just sounded good but wasn’t real?

I just wanted to finally be heard but there was no point in saying anything if it didn’t resonate somewhere.

Well actually there was a point to saying these things. Any likes or follows of this blog showed me that there was a point. Gave me a reason to publish.

That’s the thing about being fake. When it really matters all that pretending doesn’t resonate. No one saw or heard the real me, that miserable fucker was all alone when it counted.

I only understood when it was too late, how much I need people to trust me and yet how little reason I had given anyone to provide that trust.

More important than that though, that I trust myself. A strange concept that it’s pretty hard to deceive oneself, there are no secrets from oneself.  But one can indeed let oneself down.

It is in many ways just another disability, hidden disability that frustrates me and is something I have to learn to deal with.

Those personal demons that I talk about have always represented the real me trying to break free. They are not malevolent in intent but they can and have been quite frightening voices.

They are too agitated and angry to be let loose on an suspecting audience. But the more I hide them the angrier they get.

And hence the big fear that remains, for all the good work and progress that I’ve made, I’m still walking the path of self-fulfilling prophecy. Still suppressing.

I can sum up how many people in my life I have become closer to and how many are more distant. Most people it seems don’t know who I really am and have little interest in finding out.

Or perhaps have come to conclusions they don’t like. Either way I’ve given myself all the interest and attention that has been missing. Not that I can give myself everything I need though.

It should be obvious by now that I want to start my life again and come out of my shell, want to make friends and relationships again but I’m just so much more comfortable being alone now.

I’ve learned that I am quite the enabler for other people. This is because I’m quietly and subtly working to take people to who they really are.

Life is often a stress test. Haven’t been scoring particularly high in that regard.

Tonight is a night for getting fairly drunk to be honest. It’s been a good long while and I’m feeling the mood if not physically up for it. Just to let loose again, dance like a fool when no one is watching.

Gaining insight at the most unexpected times. An interesting interaction which I may explore in a future blog.

Justification perhaps for why I took things so badly. But an important lesson to learn, guidance for how to proceed.

That has thrown me off my game to some extent. There is more processing to be done so I’ll end the blog here.

Thanks for reading. Kindest regards to you.