Abscissa – Autism and Techno Blog

Greetings and hello again.

I’m out tonight. Not sure if it’s been all that long since I last blogged. Don’t really keep track of time these days.

Some stuff to write about. Freeform possibly as there’s no specific plan. True about so much. A general gist though of engaging in a bit more self-dialogue.

In terms of the journey I’ve been on, this is the hardest part. To begin to change regular behaviour patterns. Do things differently. Actually do stuff instead of just talking about it. But then that’s the way I like it.

There’s a club music night at Albert’s Shed so I’ve decided to give it another go. That being said, there remains an anxiety about being here on a busy saturday night. So I’ve come early to do some quiet drinking and see how it goes.

How have I been feeling in general lately? Some good some bad. Lots of extreme tiredness. Some old hobbies to keep me going, getting back into some sort of flow state.

Not enough sleep or too much. A growing sense of wanting to be by myself but still working towards putting myself out there.

Some stuff I have to reload and start over again but for some reason, just not doing so. Wanting to take my time and be patient. Make my own internal prison a more relaxing place to be. Not wanting needing to break free.

Not much of anything to serve as motivational. Not really caring about anything. I set out to stop caring about how people see me and began to stop caring full stop. Though it would be nice to finally put all the good work to the test.

So it was that I chose to put myself first and devote all my monomaniacal attention to just making my own life better. To make life tolerable, then comfortable, then pleasurable.

Also to make myself a better man, though some would say it’s not kind of me to keep saying I wasn’t a good man before. Well I never was very kind to myself and maybe I had to take responsibility for any difficulties I gave myself.

It’s been on my mind to talk about how I’ve been romantising the struggle and making some bold claims about the journey.

Yes, I tried to forge a new persona alongside the old one to give myself someone to talk to so that I wouldn’t ever feel lonely or excluded ever again. And it’s hard to shake the feeling that the new persona is exactly the same as the old one.

Well they can talk to each other and get along but it does little to assuage the need for something different.

This was also inspired by the observation I made that I feel everything that made me is now twice as powerful. Twice as anxious, twice as disconnected, twice as stubborn, twice as difficult, twice as fixated.

But then I feel twice as strong, twice as confident. Sounds like a bit of a stalemate.

I can’t help but feel about my autism diagnosis, that there was a problem that needed fixing. But then all the guidance says to stop seeing it as a problem, stop calling myself broken, learn to love myself and my autism and be proud of it.

So I’ve mostly been doing that. All the difficulties I had still remain and have gotten worse in some respects. And yet this is what the diagnosis did for me. Allowed me to dig in and say “this is who I am”.

I’ve been looking into the neurodivergent triad of ASD, ADHD and OCD. Going by the DSM-5 I could easily diagnose myself with all 3. Maybe there’s more. Maybe they’re all related under the same spectrum but a more nuanced examination is necessary.

What does it matter anyway? I’m not gonna seek any sort of treatment, just wear them all as one big badge. Maybe there’s people out there like me and I’ll still struggle to talk with them.

I can only be proud of how hard I’ve stayed sane and got through to this moment given how I really feel about my diagnosis.

It might upset people to know that I still view it in terms of it being equivalent to having severe childhood trauma akin to being a victim of abuse. And I know deep down that I never was.

If anything was traumatic, it was common stuff that most people experience that I simply couldn’t deal with.

And yet I have no further need of understanding and telling a sob story. Too busy trying to do what is right for me, trying to find the path that is mine to take.

Doing it all alone because that way I can be as self-interested and self-important as I need to be. Everyone always said it was up to me anyway and it’s my responsibility.

Life is more tiring than it’s ever been and I’m stuck on this path. All the mega addictions I’ve developed, I really do need them at the moment and I’ll only change when the options becomes easier than continuing.

I could always say it’s just who I am and what I’m fated to live with forever. I guess there’s still a need to justify myself so long as I have to live in the real world.

But in fact I have chosen this life as well. I have chosen to live it 100%. I chose not to change because I don’t like change. Sticking the middle finger up to anyone who would criticise.

I could argue that this is the only true victory I’ll ever achieve in life. I think we all know the world isn’t set up for people like me to succeed, only survive.

I’ve been through things enough recently, to be able to say that I still need to be seen as the coolest person in the world before I engage in public. And everytime I try, I just cringe at myself harder and harder.

Being myself just doesn’t seem like a viable option in social communication. Being myself has always meant shutting the world out.

I’m not sure how long I’ll stay here, it’s getting busy and I’m already feeling bellyache. Some good looking people here now that I won’t talk to until I become totally don’t-give-a-shit drunk.

That and the fact that I’m only here because of the energy drinks and the nicotine have kept from lying down in bed for another lazy evening doing nothing.

And I do feel like shit at the moment in all honesty. Don’t worry, I’m sure I’ll start looking after myself soon, maybe next week or the week after. It’s coming, I can feel it. Not yet though, not when I can stop giving a shit for another night.

For as long as my mind and body hold up, I’ll still be here in spirit, trying to have fun again.

I am sat here, trying to find the words to say to myself, to avoid facing up to being in a social space. Because if anyone were to talk to me, they would probably ask what the fuck I’m doing here.

Or they’ll just have their fun and leave me to myself. And I’ll ask myself why I’m here until the reason becomes undeniable. I’m here to find myself before taking a break from myself and melting the inhibitions.

Almost multitasking, this is. A bit of me work or a bit of drunken escapism. At this stage it’s too early and too quiet to escape the awkwardness, and there are more than enough people to feel awkward around. Not dark and cramped enough to be invisible.

But at least I haven’t yet had to kowtow to the strict rules that are in place on busy saturday nights. It’s the classic binary quandary I found myself living in.

Soon the nightclub becomes manifest and I find out if I’m up for it all.

Will it be heaven or hell? Will I stay long enough to find out? Will I ever stop rambling on about this? Will this blogpost be any good?

Will I learn anything from tonight apart from whether I want to keep coming here? Only time will tell. This feels important to me. Well it had to, otherwise I wouldn’t be here.

To what extent will I be thinking about leaving this side of me in the past and moving onto a new chapter? I mean what does this offer me except for the minor hope of social engagement and/or enjoyment.

Or is this just somewhere different to go and write the blog. Ooh, the lights have been dimmed. I am such a sucker for this sort of thing.

Whisper it quietly, but coming here early, I haven’t had to queue and pay to get in, I was worried they’d enforce it at some point, their strict new policies. They still might.

I wish I could put the phone away and relax, you know. But it is what it is. I’ll do what I need to escape.

I dunno, turning around and walking away is a healthy option. A mark of self-respect, I always say. It’s possible that I’ve always considered myself as being above the hoi polloi or riff raff. I’m not all that, though. That’s the problem.

But no one else on this Earth comes to these sort of places by themselves, not unless they plan on drinking themselves into oblivion. I’m not like anyone else, I keep telling myself.

Don’t need to talk to anyone to have a good time, or should that be meaningful existence. Though it would be so much better if I did. But only on the precise terms I need to function.

I’ll say it again, the hardest part of the journey. It’s like going abroad, driving most of the way there, then finding out you need to actually swim the last 1000 miles or so. And you don’t know how to swim but apparently you’ve just gotta man up and throw yourself into it.

It’s time. I mean the they’re opening the DJ booth and the bouncers are here. It’s time I stopped rambling, ffs. Game faces on.

Wish me luck xx

Well the music has amped up and I’m liking it so far. But then the full clubbing herd are still in some other bar getting squiffy and the strict measures haven’t applied yet. And I’m still tired. And I’m still hiding away on the phone. Blogging when I should be getting some sort of groove on.

I’m kinda getting squiffy myself so, we’ll see. Time will still tell xx

One more update, it looks like I’ve got in for free, which is nice. Still hasn’t gotten busy yet.   The music is ok but nothing to write home about. Not quite peak. Still feels like the pre-drinks period. But I’m feeling ok. Drinking what my stomach can manage.

Aha, I remember tbis tune, haven’t heard it in along time. Gadjo – So Many Times. Tune from back in my wild days. My hope has always been that they’ll play music I like and that I’ll  be squiffy enough to dance, or at least bop by myself in whatever dark corner I sit.

That I will feel this is where I want to be. And good lord, I have missed the old clubbing nights so much. Never really been able to say goodbye. I think I am possibly too old and uncool for it now. But the only thing that matters is that I’m happy.

Uugh, don’t like this song. I believe the actual event proper hasn’t started yet. This is still the house DJ playing a generic dance CD or modern equivalent.

I sit here and drink patiently waiting for the good stuff. Hiding away on my phone so I don’t have to talk to anyone. You know, these other people can talk to me if they want, I’m not stopping them. Does it just look weird for a guy like me to be sitting on his own in a bar, playing with his phone?

I don’t honestly care what they think anymore, unless they express any sort of interest. Then I might be able to put the phone away.

Still, time will tell xx