I went out for my regular routine of going to the pub for a relaxing pint and blog post last night. Didn’t quite work out that way in the end. I was working on a post explaining how I was coming to the conclusion that I don’t really to go out so much anymore. Planning now to spend more time relaxing at home being by myself and taking a break from being around other people.
In what feels like one final fling before settling down, I was open to talking and socialising and got involved. It was quite a rollercoaster of emotions in the end.
It started off with the news that the pub kitchen was closed so I would be drinking on an empty stomach. I didn’t think I would stop out long or drink too much.
A friendly bloke I met a couple of weeks ago, always keen to get me involved, invited me to play pool. The table has been recently restored and is quite popular. So I got my pound coin out and put on the table, winner stays on style.
Only this bloke decided to go outside for a smoke and I was left waiting at the table while several others began to put their money on the table and they eventually took over it.
So I went outside for a smoke and chat for about an hour. Met a friend of this bloke and talked a lot about music. We were sharing the stuff we’ve made as he’s a local DJ/producer and he said my stuff wasn’t bad, which was nice. Watching his youtube vids on my phone completely drained the battery and without my phone I did feel a bit naked.
I got myself psyched up to play pool and I went over to ask if my pound was still on the table, which it wasn’t of course. But I spoke to the right people and someone put a pound back on for me and gave me the next turn on the table.
Played a couple of games and won both against a guy who was probably a bit of hustler. Halfway through the second game he started playing properly as if by magic he had remembered how to play. But then he sank the white and I was able to clear up.
Apparently no one had ever won 2 games in a row against him. I didn’t know the guy and I was a bit awkward trying to be social.
By now though I was locked into the idea that I was having a good night so I stayed for more drink. Back outside smoking with the blokes and we got chatting.
Talking with this bloke can be quite intense and I had to do a lot of listening. It’s the type of situation where I should be more assertive but I tend to let people go on rather than seem rude.
We got talking about politics which is always interesting. I was more comfortable being myself so I got a few points across, though it’s true I struggle to make arguments to support my beliefs and usually end up conceding.
When I am in full on argue mode I can say things that piss people off. I distinctly remember saying “you should” at one point which got an immediate reaction. I wasn’t really thinking about what I was saying but I was still sensitive to how it was being received.
I think at this point I was feeling a bit too open and sensitive. Should have taken more time to myself.
Things took a turn when the blokes went back in for another drink and I ordered one myself while I was still sat smoking away outside. Another bloke who I didn’t know sat outside listening to our conversation earlier. It was just us two and he said something that really touched a nerve. I got very defensive. Things might have gotten heated and I wonder now whether I might have got the shit kicked out of me if I hadn’t tried to calm myself down. I admitted I was being defensive and when the bar staff shouted me to collect my drink I finally gave myself time alone.
What turned out to be fifth and final pint of the night was drunk alone, in a far corner of the pub hiding behind a pillar, sulking. I drank as quick as I could and left without saying goodbye.
And I probably won’t go back for a while now, it gives me an excuse to do something or go somewhere different.
Maybe I’ve been striving all along to push myself to the limit to understand where my limit is and let myself experience what it’s like to actually be autistic instead of denying it and escaping it. I had put my Ipod on for the walk home and listened to some melancholic music and I had a good cry, sat in front of the garage smoking my last cigarette before going in.
In that moment I felt like I finally understood that, yes, I am very autistic and very prone to burnout. I finally began to empathise with who I fell in love and what she goes through and why it’s so important to protect ourselves. It was liberating in a way to connect with my autism rather than my mental health issues.
It feels like I’m finally accepting that I can’t fight my autism and that I can’t demand others fight theirs. A moment of triumph perhaps, that I can begin to respect the struggles of others and I can be kind where I wasn’t kind before.
I went to bed listening to some of my own music, the two tracks that I really like. And I began to imagine happiness again. To indulge in some old fantasies in a new way. There was a feeling of euphoria, having reached a good state after experiencing and releasing such tension.
That is kind of what I’ve been searching for and why I still push my forward. But I’ve reached a point now where I realise that being kind to myself means giving myself a break. And by that I mean actively stopping myself from overworking. I want to be calm and composed and it is within my power to keep out of harms way. To choose a gentler way of being.
If anyone is wandering what was actually said that triggered me, that’s a topic for another day. But suffice to say that there’s a deep wound that has always been a source of discomfort that I’ve never been able to accept and deal with but it’s not something I should really be ashamed of.
It’s something else that has made me unkind because the hurt has always been deeply repressed and just maybe it’s a whole new dimension of me if I wasn’t so damn scared of it.
Truly I think that being kind to myself will mean I will be kinder to everyone else without needing to please. It’s their inside me and besides, I’m just not cut out for fighting against the world.
And so there it is. Time to stop chasing the demons, time to stop punishing myself, time to stop analysing every mistake, time to stop digging through the darkness.
It’s time to feel and show profound love for myself while simultaneously acknowledging and accepting my many flaws and weaknesses. Humble confidence is the aim of the game.
Thanks as always for reading
Kindest Regards
Jamie's Blog 