Greetings
Got a week off work this week. As you can imagine I’ve done little worth talking about so far. The best thing I can say is that I went for a walk this afternoon for some small overdue exercise.
Today being the day I got round to my only planned activity of walking and going to the pub knowing I don’t have to get up for work in the morning.
Some possible notion that I might try to organise doing something other than staying at home doing nothing productive.
Resting has always been the main aim anyway as I have my first booked annual leave since before Xmas. Not being able to sleep early always leads to writing the next day off as just resting.
Well I’m here again, blogging to keep myself busy in the pub except I don’t really have much to talk about at all.
My latest distraction has been returning to an old live from my teens. Something I was wildly into once upon a time slowly grew out of.
Yeah so I’m back into the old professional wrestling sports entertainment behemoth now known as the WWE. Been watching some old classic footage and have been catching up with where it is now.
Also interested in reliving the history of the business, the feuds, the stars, from the early days through the periods I originally stopped watching. The business as a concept has always been compelling for one reason or another.
The fictional world of the WWE has a peculiar logic of its own and it’s something I think about studying and recording as an aid to seeing how things unfold.
It becomes a strange macrocosm of a fantasy world that mirrors so much of humanity, especially the dark extremes.
There’s much to hate about it and I don’t know how much time and money I’m willing to invest in it but for now, my YouTube homepage is being dominated with wrestling thanks to the all powerful algorithm.
What the whole thing has reminded me of is how much excitement I’m missing at the moment. The business is fake of course but so long as you actually buy into it, it can be a rollercoaster.
The business was protected for so long but recent changes in the social media age means they’ve dropped much of the pretence and everyone knows now but it doesn’t really matter. Pretty much any wrestler of note has a podcast filled with secret spilling.
You buy into it to get what you want out of it. The melding of reality and fantasy is now just as compelling as anything else.
It’s been a long time since I bought into anything. The old problem remains, losing myself in the process of seeking excitement.
The conflict between emotional stability and excitement of the unpredictable. What I’m doing now is more about regaining the stability so I’m not really buying into anything.
Not sure what is actually worth buying into. Just keeping myself distracted enough to make the days worthwhile.
There comes a time when you realise that the only thing you ever need to buy into is yourself. Whatever it is you do. Invest yourself, your time and energy. Perhaps even your money.
Whatever can be said about my neurodivergence, a big problem has always been that I seem unable to invest myself in myself. To actually buy into and believe in anything I actually do.
Well I know I’m just crap at many things, particular anything that involves performance. I always did like and respect people who can do things I can’t.
But I guess it does nothing to compare myself in this way. Nothing helpful. Just an escape. It could be argued that I create the excitement I feel internally but it comes from something created by someone else.
This is the dependence I have on others. Left to myself I don’t feel much excitement at all. It’s probably true of all of us that we can’t feel excited by our own mental worlds because we can’t really be surprised when we just be by ourselves.
We know only what we know and change doesn’t come from our assumptions. Possibilities and hopes come from something outside of ourselves.
It’s hard to describe but the very idea of performing anything causes such paralyzing fear in me and I think it comes from the idea that I have to go against my very nature to express something artificial. I have a hard enough time expressing anything that’s true let alone fake.
I kind of know this is the reason why i struggle with creativity. My brain doesnt do artifice. I can do routine, predictability, patterns, orders, sets, categories, expectations, etc. Not so good at anything that uses new ideas, such as spontaneity, flexibility or hope.
Why am I writing this blog again? To talk to myself for a bit because I already know it’s helpful but I’m not going to actually achieve anything with it or change anything.
I would like life to be exciting again but I’m not really built to provide any excitement or variety. I’ll just keep on doing what I do regardless. The forces of change have always been other people.
As I learn to be more self-assured and secure and independent, I’m no longer willing to sacrifice myself for other people. But hot damn, I’ll need to gamble at some point.
It doesn’t feel like I’ve reached that point yet so I’ll keep on being me in the meantime. Going AWOL in the face of anything that should or needs to be done and just taking the pressure off.
Yeah I’m still not ready. And still no one has reached out to make things easier. No one to lighten the load. No one to build the bridge I can’t build. No one to offer what I can’t provide for myself.
It’s no longer a pity party for me but it is a justification for why I stopped caring. Every interaction is a two-way street and yet it is one I continue to travel alone. Told at every turn it is a road I have to travel when no one else bothers to meet me half way.
I still need to make the journey but it should be no surprise that I seek to shut the borders and declare independence. The very moment I can be self-sufficient and meet my own needs, I’m gone and you will never see me again.
We humans aren’t like that though and I will always need people around me for various reasons. Variety makes life so exciting.
Thank you as always for reading xx
Jamie's Blog 