Abscissa – Autism and Techno Blog

Very warm greetings for a very warm day. It’s summer and I’m feeling good. Much better than I have been for some time.

My mood has been particularly high this week. It doesn’t feel like any one particular thing has me feeling good but a combination of all the things I’m doing to get myself better mentally.

Things are just going well at the moment. I’m happy with life and I’m happy to keep doing what I’m doing. That is to say that I’m doing what I like to do and that feeling is conquering the darkness nicely.

Last weekend was where it started I think. As usual I was too tired to do anything Sunday but my head was filled with thoughtful activity. It was in the flow state though, whereby the thoughts were just coming naturally and weren’t being forced.

Nor did they compel any sort of pain to emerge, I had finally engaged the thought process free of any deep fear or anxiety. Calmly following the thought train in a gentle manner. I did it all day and it kept me going through the day.

Maybe that’s how to overcome trauma. Dig deep into the black wall of darkness within, get it out into the open until it can no longer hurt you. In my case I had to reach into the internal void to pull myself out of it and give myself what I had always looked to others to provide.

It was Wednesday night, 2am in the morning. I didn’t want to go sleep because I was in such a good mood, so happy with myself. It was the first time I truly loved being by myself as much I loved hanging out with the her.

Have been staying up late every day this week. I was tired in the morning and kind of regretted staying up too late but I just shrugged and said I’ll try to be more sensible. Before now I would just struggle and beat myself up. Not anymore.

I don’t think I’ve even felt that tired in all honesty. I’m engaged and motivated again and life doesn’t feel like a struggle anymore.

I have a video game to thank. Horizon Zero Dawn. Fantastic game. Absurd how much I love it. Plays very much like the recent Tomb Raider games with an intriguing mix of sci fi and post apocalyptic mystery.

Big, big open world game. 24hrs spent so far and lots more come. Probable 200hrs at least and then there’s the sequel to play.

I don’t know how I’ll cope when I finish and lose interest. Probably just buy another game.

I always gamed alone before. Playing video games with my crush at her place was what I loved the most because I could finally share my love of games with someone who I felt completely bonded to.

It’s taken this long for me to finally let go of that attachment and provide for myself what I felt I needed from her.

It was a decision to go out and blog tonight rather than stay in playing all night. Just to give myself a little rest and balance my activities. To actually give myself a choice and choose makes me that much freer.

It’s worth noting at this point that everything in life that will ever matter to me will be in my head, my beliefs and narratives. My emotions, my experiences. My comfort or lack thereof. I have to live independently now in mind and spirit because of how I struggle with the real world. Struggle with other people.

I have criticised subjective ideologies and solipsistic delusions from others because they tend to be forced on others, demands made to accept without question.

I live in my own subjective world and have never really been comfortable sharing with others. Never wanted to force my ideas on to anyone.

Life is so much more fuller with other people but I have always needed to be alone to protect myself. I never really learned how be happy and thrive on my own, it always felt like a need but was never actually what I wanted. Never an actual choice because it’s drummed into us by those who are different and don’t understand.

I needed to be alone, now I want to be alone. I’d rather be alone. I choose to be alone until such a point comes where I can enjoy company again.

I’m doing what I want to do but crucially, I’m doing what I choose to do because I’m not letting anyone or anything compel me. That is to say that I’m not demanding anything of myself or others. I’m not exposing myself to things I can’t handle.

Yes there’s lots of stuff I’m avoiding still but that is how I have regained control of my life. The emotional pain I felt couldn’t be controlled or avoided. I just had to survive until I could confront it.

The world I live in is the world I make for myself.

I don’t know where this blog post is actually going or what im trying to say anymore. What I’m trying to communicate goes beyond words like so much else. I can’t come to a conclusion without sounding very cliched self-help.

It’s probably a good sign though because I don’t actually need to communicate anything right now. Still wanted to write something brilliant but I guess I’m just basking in feeling good.

I don’t think I need to blog anymore but I choose to do so, even if the quality declines.

Fuck it, it’s my blog and I’ll do what i like.

Thanks as always for reading xx