Abscissa – Autism and Techno Blog

Time for another blog this evening. A quick summary of my week off work. I’ve done what I expected which was nothing of any real significance.

Actually what I’ve done is spend the week just doing what I feel comfortable doing, just doing what i feel like doing. Mostly that has been staying in playing Horizon Zero Dawn. Clocked up over 100 hrs so far. Nearing the end now but still plenty left to do.

To talk about it is to say how I much I’ve loved playing it. The story had been great and the general gameplay has been fun and enjoyable.

Like all entertainment media, I’ve been hooked by the moral philosophy going on within the story. Stuff that makes you think and offers a deeper subtext than what appears on the face.

Without actively spoiling the story for anyone, a couple of things have struck a chord with me.

It feels like an old, well-worn conclusion I already had but seeing it in a slightly new format. How I’ve compartmentalized all the different aspects of myself to the extent that they can’t see each other as anything but mutual enemies to be defeated.

The familiar dichotomy of good and evil, light and dark. You can’t really have one without the other of course since they are 2 sides of the same coin.

You may ask if and how these connected opposites are supposed to work together in tandem. Like how death itself is necessary for life as part of a life cycle. Not that everything is truly cyclical or would simply repeat infinitely. All is change at the end of the day.

I think we can understand that life with good and evil is better than life with neither. With nothing.

I used to be a moral crusader, in theory if not in practise. It beggared belief that people could see bad in the world and say that’s just the way the world is. It felt like moral cowardice.

I think now I envy what is probably the healthy attitude which is not to let the bad in the world affect you from being who you are.

I still remain determined to do what I believe to be good as that gives me the structure of who I am.

Talking about narcissism again because it’s relevant once more. It’s hard to avoid the notion that I have more than my fair share of it. And yet I can see it in others and it still repels me.

In HZD there is a character who displays a classic sign of it, a sign I wouldn’t have noticed if not for the analysis of others. Committing a gross act of evil because he couldn’t imagine or accept anyone else succeeding where he failed.

Convinced that the fate of events were defined forever from his actions, while simultaneously denying responsibility for his actions because they were destined to fail. The narcissist projects his own failings onto others, assuming everyone else is just as narcissistic because he can’t imagine anyone else being and doing different.

And so the modern-day, present-day social movements that demand tolerance, revealing themselves to be among the most intolerant. Any support or allyship is dependent upon toeing the line. You must accept, tolerate and love everyone and if you don’t you won’t be accepted, tolerated or loved in return.

This is how I was and how I used to think. And I’ve got to be honest, I’m struggling to change that.

It seemed like justice, the only true justice. An equal reciprocal reaction for your action. I see it for what it is now. A total nullification of what is actually good.

Within me is both the narcissist and the empath. But they are compartmentalized and they hate each other. They work against each other instead of working together as parts of a whole. I dunno, maybe they are supposed to be at war but it would help to actually understand how the war can be of benefit.

To the new formulation of the realisation of the compartmentalisation. All of the hope, love, empathy, happiness, positivity, social functioning, caring, humanising came through the girl I fell in love with and the first moment she really pushed me away, that compartment died. Or perhaps more accurately, I set it on fire and watched it burn.

And why wouldn’t I because that felt like the just thing to do. Not the wise, good, right or helpful thing to do but the narcissistically just.

My life is a long list of unhappy grievances but it was still me living my way and if I’m being honest I miss it terribly. My next bit of time off work I’ll plan to revisit times I miss where I was my most myself at my most freest.

I can’t hide from how much the world of others entices and seduces me, even if I exist inside an impenetrable shell of my own mind.

Oh wow, it’s been a while since writing the blog actually unlocked something in my heart and allowed me to cry.

So much I want from life but won’t let myself to even ask. Why not? All the socially anxious boundaries self-imposed to what end? There are people in life who I want to be there with me as I try to live, it’s ok to just ask and if they say no, I’ll do it alone if it means that much to me.

I say this now after a few pints and when I have to sober up those anxious boundaries will doubtlessly resurface. But I finally reconnected with the desire to reconnect with people again.

I’ve needed all this time alone to finally understand and accept how deeply I long for and miss doing what I love with other people. The anxiety that imprisons me should be always be respected but it should be fought against because it’s not what will make me happy.

I’m always going to project myself onto others. It would be fantastic if I can finally pursue that which will actually make me happy and project happinesss onto others.

What I love can be seen as fairly narrow and rigidly subversive. Well that is me and it’s no longer a failure on my part so long as I hold onto the love.

I’m not actually here for any deep reason other than my parents decided to procreate for a second time. I became a middle child before my first birthday because my parents procreated again. It’s my fucking life now. I’m 40 years old FFS.

Apparently I was born autistic as well. Doesn’t that suck a little bit? Matters little now apparently. I’m still a human being with human needs.

Look at me as human being because that is what I am. I didn’t choose anything that made me who I am. Only what I do.

At some point sentience has to make its voice heard and take control of itself. Whatever form it takes.

The only advice I really feel up to giving is the foundational importance of taking control of your life and actually owning yourself.

They can’t ever know and they most certainly can’t dictate.

Thank you for reading. Those who do demonstrate their humanity xxx