Abscissa – Autism and Techno Blog

New blog today, stresses and struggles this week. A reminder of stuff that needs doing and extra demands. Some health scares to worry about.

Just lots of stuff to worry about. Lots of headaches.

So just a day after I did my works health and safety self-assessment and reported that I don’t need to see an optician, I had a full blown migraine come on. A dazzling light that swims in vision, blurring my sight.

That was tuesday and I judged I had sat to close to the monitor. Wednesday brought another. This time I just turned the brightness down. Both times I took some Ibuprofen which returned my vision to normal but then the headaches followed. Although they weren’t that bad, I was able to carry on working.

Still getting the usual headaches as well, waking up at the wrong time and just feeling eye-strained.

My mom has also been to hospital yesterday due to some nasty back pain. She was there all night only to be told they don’t know what’s causing it.

And then there’s my nan. She’s in a home receiving 24hr care. Has been for some time. They think now her body is giving up the fight and we don’t know how much time she has left.

I will try to spend some time with her soon, but I’ve not felt comfortable around the care home. Plenty of guilt about how I’ve avoided the home for the last few years. It’ll be sad but at the same time there will be some relief that she won’t be in any pain or distress any longer.

I’m not doing a very good job of coping with all of it. Hence the pub tonight. Planned to go yesterday but headaches changed that. As well as staying sober in case I was needed to drive Mom back from the hospital.

It’s bank holiday tomorrow which means a day off work. It’s still synonymous with painful memories of friendships falling apart. I’ve been lonely as hell recently and each day has me feeling more and more the desire to have friends again.

What’s happened to the planned clearing away of any stress and anxiety? Getting snowed under again under it all.

Had a small panic today when I tried to renew my car tax, couldn’t find the letter, no emails sent as an alternative. It’s ok if you have your V5 logbook, you can use that. Except I can’t find that either. Tax is due in literally 3 or 4 days.

Well I found the letter and thank fuck for that, actually kissed it when I found it.

It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve had a panic due to lost important documents. I kind of hoped I’d left those days behind.

It was fucking horrible searching through my large stash of papers. All of the miserable struggles against life, still there in paper form.

It’s time to sort through it and just throw so much shit away.

I will need to order a new V5 logbook but there’s no rush at all for that. Next up is the MOT which I really can’t be bothered to deal with yet. Got 3 weeks to get that done.

This weekend should have been the time to get drunk, listen to music and have a good old cry but I’m still too tense. Tomorrow should be a day for cleaning and maintaining, taking care of myself. But it probably won’t be, just keeping my head above water as usual.

There may be a hangover which destroys any motivation. Or I might just take it easy and not drink too much. Keep it quiet.

Thinking about the whole way of life, I live it this way because it’s familiar and comfortable. I don’t think I want to tidy, organised, in control, calm. I prefer to do it the other way.

Times like these, my arse is well and truly kicked because of it and I wish deeply to change and be better at life.

But it just isn’t any fun. Not my way. And besides, I didn’t ask for life to be this hard to manage.

I had the house to myself last week which is always nice. I’m beginning to accept that it was a big indicator of how my life would be if I finally do get my own place.

I would always struggle to sleep out of an abundance of freedom. I wouldn’t really think about taking care of myself, just obsessively spend every moment trying to fill the void.

Not that different from how I am now, but without anyone keeping me grounded.

I’m reflecting on how I’ve become more and more autistic over the last two years since I started to accept it. More distant and disconnected than ever before.

It’s been important to be more assertive and put my needs above anyone else’s. Not just to be selfish but because I’m the one who has to live with this condition. I’m the one who has to take authority over what I do.

I’m the only one who can judge myself. So why do I still feel such terror at the judgement of others? Because I still need people around me when life becomes a painful trial by combat.

I’d much rather not need anyone and live life purely on my own terms. That wouldn’t be a shallow, self-serving life.

A gentle reminder that the aut… prefix in autism is the same as automatic, automata. Meaning the self, something that just runs according to it’s internal programming without a mind of it’s own.

As much as I desperately want to change things, I don’t believe I ever can or will. The world can change around me, but I cannot, will not change with it.

Any external change feels like an external violation. Any internal change feels like a death.

Any loss feels terminal, a fundamental theft that cannot ever be replaced.

I don’t feel truly human because I lack the ability to choose to make changes. I’ve been growing more and more resentful of those who can. And I’m trusting people less and less every day.

Time was that those who represent powers beyond our own were worshipped. Nope, not for me, never been one to worship powers. Dreamed of having of those powers myself? Absolutely.

What would make us all more powerful? Being neurologically healthy maybe. And that’s the point I’d like to make. I’ve never been neurologically healthy. People always say I’m smart and they wish they were as smart as me. My brain isn’t healthy enough to function most of thr time. That’s why I sought getting diagnosed with autism in the first place.

People say it’s either there’s something wrong with you or they say there’s nothing wrong with you and you’re just different. I say now my brain isn’t healthy and may never be.

But I give it my all anyway and do the best I can. And do you know who has to do all the work to get and keep my brain as healthy as needed? Without even knowing how to do it?

Human truths are the most guarded secrets on Earth. Lies are given away for free at every opportunity. Glamorised and sanitised sales pitches at the front and centre of everything human.

Thank you as always for reading. This one was a release of negativity, stuff that needed to be said. Albeit fairly mild compared to what I’m capable of.

Jamie xx