Abscissa – Autism and Techno Blog

Greetings, a new blog post tonight. For no other reason than to get out the house and sink a few pints. Dig deep for something interesting to write about.

Have finally uploaded my own 2 new tracks to youtube. Had a struggle getting my usual video editor to work. It had stopped importing any files. Reinstalled it fresh and still needed a workaround to import the music file.

This weekend I may give a polish up to 2 favourite old tracks and republish them. Just don’t want to mess them up and leave them unworkable.

I made a compromise with the artwork. Took a recent photo and found an online picture editor, whacked a few filters on it, it looks cool I think.

Will share them on here later, probably when I get home. Considering how long I spent on them, they’re not the masterpieces I was hoping for but I’m still proud of them.

All in all it’s been a hard, tiring week at work. I got a lot of nasty stuff cleared when my colleague was back in work to help me. There’s still plenty to do and not enough time to do everything.

But I’ve learned what I previously didn’t know and I’m more confident going forward. One thing I need to do now is actually book some time off. Will cheekily ask for next Friday off, maybe a couple of days here and there. Book a full week off next month.

My TL has emphasised that the new starter I’ll be working with soon will give me some much needed help with the the workload I’m currently doing all on my own.

But outside work it’s the usual story of doing the same old shit, too tired to do anything new. I’m not feeling especially physically healthy at the moment. Still not looking after myself. Sleeping ok after a hard days work, pulling all-nighters at the weekend playing. Sacrificing sleep here and there.

Summer is well and truly over it seems. Feels more like the winter solstice than the autumn equinox. Went out wearing 4 layers tonight and still feel a chill.

One thing to reflect on in the vein if “if there’s one thing you need to know about me”, that is if I can remember it. Bear with me, I’m sure it’ll comeback to me at some point.

Ugh, memory like a sieve these days. Which is ironic because I was just thinking about how much of my past I carry with me. 1000 eyes staring backward not forward.

I thought I would share some ideas I’ve been floating around for my planned FF gamebook. A spin on the theme “You are the hero”. How about you are the hero and the villain.

A romp through time in which you become the very evil you set out defeat. Fighting yourself in the first half of the book, then to circle back and fight yourself in the past. Plotting the game mechanics for such an idea will be a challenge.

To steal an idea from the tv show Lost. An item looped in time, without temporal cause. Seemingly handed from the future to the past. In this case it could be some form of black mask. Masks are a fascinating concept of course.

The chief purpose of which is to obscure someone’s identity. These days where we are hurtling towards a totalitarian system of surveillance, masks maybe more important than ever.

But for dramatic purposes masks are a simple solution to hide someones true identity until a pivotal reveal. That mysterious man in the mask tou fought earlier? That was future you, don’t you know.

Maybe a bit hackneyed and cliched but I still enjoy it anyway. The mask itself can be source of other powers. I could be talking metaphorically about my own autistic masking of course. Perhaps my own problems with identity.

A nice power fantasy to entertain but without any sort of real world application it seems of little worth. I’ve been searching for another identity for a long time now. An alter ego. Something a bit more substantial than a pair of spectacles and changing clothes in a phone booth.

I sat here and pondered, if I was to go out with a mask on to hide my visible identity, would I be any less afraid of expressing myself in public. If no one knew who I was could I do what can’t be done around people who know me?

Any changes I’m working on have to be done alone because those who know me in reality will always be an inhibition.

And yet I was taking the mask off, trying to just be myself. Every moment in life that is part of my identity is saddled around these deep social inhibitions as if every decision made will determine an identity known to others.

I don’t want people to know who I really am, don’t think I want to know myself either. A lifetime spent escaping from the eyes of those who perceive.

It’s much easier now for me to pledge and allegiances and worship to something I know isn’t really there but who I can pretend exists.

They are entities or identities that I have created and can only be imagined. But they can behave any way I like. It would be nice to break down the walls of skepticism and not let their lack of existence become a problem.

I think that one thing people need to know about me is that my mind operates on fixed logic, my own subjective logic admittedly, but logic nonetheless. As unyielding as steel, my mind’s logic is untouchable.

Putting any mental health struggles aside, losing my mind was never an option. I’m far too sane if anything. But I don’t do real life very well because real life is a mess.

When I talk about the black mask, of course black is the colour I see on the inside. The fun thing is the outside of the mask could be anything, depending on the situation and circumstances. But black on the inside though. No distinguishing features to construct an identity there, no light exists inside to illuminate.

What is the moral of my tale? To break the wheel of destiny? To preserve the flow of events? To win by losing? To admit and love the darkness within oneself? To kill your past self to save yourself?

To make a moral point about something or just fuck about with metaphysical tomfoolery? Build some sort of plot device that’s clever without it being an obvious plot device.

Darkness represents freedom. I can write something that’s total garbage and yet and if no one reads it, I need never fear being seen as garbage.

Though I still have to meet my own unforgiving standards of course. But why not just fucking write?

Trying to develop the concepts further before I commit. Isn’t that always the way? It takes so much mental energy that I just never have enough. Why does it take so much energy? Because applying myself to something new goes against my brain’s wiring.

This blog has been fun to write and I hope there’s more to come but for now, I’m fucking tired and need some rest.

Thanks as always for reading if anyone does but I’d be happy if no one does. It’s all for me anyway x