Abscissa – Autism and Techno Blog

Time for a new blog tonight, the usual pub and write. Possibly just a dear diary sort of thing rather than any sort of blog project.

A quick note that today was the first time I’ve actually showered in a long time. Not really concerned about coming across as a filthy slob anymore. No longer bothered about other people finding me a disgusting creep.

I’m going through metaphorical shit right now and the motivation to properly wash was there today.

Had an early night last night so was up early today. It didn’t help that due to some changes occuring at home, I was woken up by the sort of noises that trigger stress. And I’ve been fairly stressed most of the day.

As per usual the only motivation is just to get away for a bit. I haven’t spoke about it for a while but I still wish to move out and find my own place. Without feeling comfortable asking for help (and there are a fee people who know I need help) that I just don’t have the energy or motivation to make it happen.

There’s quite a lot I don’t have the energy or motivation to make happen. I wish people would understand about me that I find things so much harder to deal with but I absolutely don’t ever want to go cap in hand asking for help.

I don’t want help, I want support for certain things. But ultimately I want to do everything myself, whatever energy or motivation I have left after just getting through the day.

Work is getting better, there are still a few jobs I put off, but things are getting under control and I’m feeling more secure again. My TL gave a public thank you for my hard work at the last team meeting which made me feel good.

I think he understands that I’m working under difficult circumstances while we are a little understaffed. We have 10 new starters due soon, one of whom I will be working with which will ease my workload.

I’m expected to be signed off on my latest bit of training. That was a less-than-welcome extra demand I was given with barely a half-hours worth of training. But I’ve had help and feedback and I’m more confident doing it now.

Even managed to get round to booking some time off.

I still have grave doubts about my ability to live independently. To deal with bills and repairs and assorted maintenance issues. To organise life so that everything gets done.

I feel comfortable and safe at home and I don’t have to do too much. But I’m not happy being there, it’s not where I want to be and I’m under pressure to do things I hate, that I’m just not good or comfortable at.

Therein lies the big issue, that I simply don’t feel like I belong, here or anywhere. I did feel like a belonged somewhere once, where I was happy. It came to an end and I reflect on how I didn’t belong there in truth. For if I belonged, I wouldn’t have hid so much of myself to try to fit in.

It is my guess that for this reason, I stopped caring about anyone else but myself. Put myself out plenty when I felt like I belonged, was part of something. Invested. That’s the word.

This uber-rational reasoning seems common today. We all invest ourselves in something or other but you want to get something out of it or it just becomes a burden. And yet I see it now for widescale manipulation.

What I stopped doing was investing myself in others. Got nothing left to invest in all likelihood.

And I’ve refused anyone investing themselves in me because I don’t have anything left to give.

Whisper it quietly but I like this new version of myself better than the old one. Still not happy in general and still stuck in a vicious circle of misery but at least regaining a modicum of control and self-respect.

There’s a famous quote attributed to Sartre along the lines of “those who don’t like being alone are in bad company when they are alone”. This is what I’ve tried to address and I’ve been “enjoying” my own company to some extent for over 2 years now.

I’m more aware now of how much of society is based on this fundamental human need to not be alone. I can’t help but smirk when I think about how desperate everyone else is for companionship while I sit here and chill by myself.

But alas, I’m still insanely jealous of those who have relationships. I’m still, and always have, been grieving the lack of relationships with others. Having said that I’m grieving the social part of me that is missing. That I was seemingly born without.

Yes I feel out and out hostility to those who have what I want but can’t have. The hatred I feel is for how they flaunt their social success to anyone who will listen.

These are the people who I’d like to imagine can’t be by themselves, who truly need other people to make themselves look good. I became that person but I hated myself for it.

For the sake of being a full and complete human, I wished to experience a meaningful and loving relationship. Still do in truth, I am still a human animal.

The hard lesson to learn is that the only relationships worth having are those built on truth, a mutual love and respect for all of who you really are, not some ideal that can be promised but can’t be delivered.

If there’s no one who will ever feel that way about me, I’ll fucking learn to love myself and everyone else can fuck off. Of course I’ll never know if I don’t present the full unedited real me.

That’s something I don’t particular feel like doing, not least until I heal from all of my traumas. Take responsibility for all the shitty things I’ve done to protect myself from getting hurt. All the shitty things I’ve done that caused me to get hurt at the end of the day.

Just noticed while writing this, I’m talking about my problems again rather than escaping into fantasy ideas. This is me saying I can face up to them again. Work on myself again. Some normality is being restored.

I genuinely don’t need to escape into drunken theatre tonight, don’t really even feel like getting drunk. Just here for some space to write, think about myself in reality.

Perhaps even solve some of my problems? Unlikely. But let’s at least make some progress.

There is something there to grab onto though. I realise just how much I’ve been resisting any external attempt to manipulate my emotions and feelings.

I both want and need to feel emotions, some more than others. But to master one’s own emotions is to recognise what is truly mine. It’s obvious when I make music, the only feeling I look to hit is the intense blue sadness and longing in the Vangelis-esque electronic melodies.

They serve the purpose of actually allowing myself to feel sad, that it’s ok to be sad. It’s right to be sad. It’s human to be sad and it empowers to be human.

Not that I wish to be sad for ever but there’s a reason why my brain makes me feel sad. It’s my ego that won’t let me accept being sad and won’t let me grieve properly. That never let me give up hope.

I’d like to make a point here of patting myself on the back and saying how proud I am of the progress I’ve made. How much work I’ve done to better myself without anyone understanding me well enough to help me.

It may very well be the stupidity of pride in doing it all alone. I think it’s the only way I can and besides, everyone I looked to for help told me they couldn’t help me.

Even the professionals I spoke to offered little more than having someone to talk to.

If I can go through life without needing to talk, I think I’d choose that now and never talk to anyone except myself.

Roll on the day that I actually want to talk to someone, it’s been a while.

To roll back to the time I was diagnosed with ASD, it was about getting some form of help at a time I was struggling. Do you know what though? No one really considered what it would mean for me. At the time the diagnosis changed nothing.

But look at me now and who I have become. What I’ve been through since making and losing friends. A fatalistic, angry soul who lost even more of myself.

But something feels different today. I don’t feel the demons pulling me towards darkness, don’t need to escape myself or reality, don’t need to prove anything or impress anyone.

Fuck knows why but I’ll take it.

Thank you for reading xx