Abscissa – Autism and Techno Blog

Time for another blog if my phone permits.

Very much rocking with a new look to the blog, obviously. It is a template originally crafted by someone else but I like it. Some teething issues of course.

I would probably like to develop my own if I can manage it. But it was time to pay it some attention and show it some care. This is effectively my website for the world to see.

How are things going at the moment? Ok I suppose. Had to get out the house as I’m not getting any time alone at home.

Have been spending a bit more time with big bro which has been good. We invited little bro out but he didn’t fancy it. His loss though.

We are similar in many ways but the biggest difference between us is how we manage to be on our own vs around other people. What can I say but that I’ve been growing to actually like myself more and more.

There are still plenty of struggles but I don’t hold them against me. It’s not so much even being kind to myself but easy on myself.

An understanding of what makes me me and developing an awareness of the driving forces.

It remains difficult to find the words which convey it best. Quite simply there is a part of me that wants things. Always did. Wants the same things everyone else wants. But wants them more.

This is from a position of 40 years of being unable or unwilling. Denied by myself if not reality. A lifetime of falling behind and feeling desperate to catch up.

Wanton is a good word I’ve always liked. As in “wanton destruction”. The meaning or implication of the word in context seemed to be doing something because you want or because you can do something. Particularly doing something without a care for anything else.

Wantonly wanting things but never actually wantonly doing things. That’s me.

The inner beast within is and always has been caged very tightly. The more comfortable and happy other people make me, the more freedom the wanton beast has. These last 3 years have seen the beast well and truly jailed again.

And it hasn’t stopped howling since. But, but, but, what’s happening now? Because it feels like I’m actually working with it instead of shutting it away. Still controlling it but not by fighting it.

All a metaphor of course for what should be a straightforward idea of getting my opposing sides to work together for a change.

Doing some good work on the music front. My current project is sounding pretty good, coming along nicely.

One thing that is different about this track compared with the others? It’s noticeable now that this one is grooving more along the lines of a deep, dark banger, excelling more in groove than melody.

What inevitably happens with every track at some point is an element that starts to sound crap the more I hear it. Start to get sick of it and cut it completely. That’s happening with the emotive melodies now, not with the overall groove.

What does this mean? That my brain doesn’t produce those sad sounds and it doesn’t respond to it. Pleasure now comes from what might be considered “boss energy”. The music therapy is motivating movement rather than emotional sadness and grief.

All sounds very psychologically healthy, doesn’t it.

I think that I had walled myself away until I was confident about presenting myself in a great light, until I would be happy my own skin. Be like “I’m happy and enjoying my life, I don’t need or even want anyone else to make me happy”.

Surprisingly, I feel tantalisingly close to actually achieving it. So much so that I don’t want the same things I used to and have finally stopped grieving.

Have I tamed the beast? Not really, there is no taming the beast. We must work together forever.

I’m no longer a tortured soul but merely someone who has been granted permission to want and know wanting is not alien to my nature and wellbeing.

Writing this blog has been the beacon of therapy so I come to it with a renewed sense of purpose and desire. The truth is I’d rather spend an evening blogging than talk to anyone in the pub.

It is an escape from the world when I need self-time. It is not and has never been an escape from myself. Getting drunk is an escape from myself and I haven’t needed that for a good while.

While redesigning the blog home page I noticed that self-compassion did not appear in the navigation menu despite having it as a blog category. When checking the link I noticed I only ever used it twice. A testament perhaps, how little compassion I ever really needed. I did need some, but only a little.

My big bro told me how he admires the ability to be alone and how he sees it as a sign of mental strength.  It wasn’t always voluntary and I struggled the hardest having lost the closest friendship. 

To have loved and lost, that is to say, to have teased the beast with false freedom, was quite simply the most important lesson life ever taught me. And I’m a slow but stubborn learner.

What I learned was…

Well I’m still trying to figure that out, trying to put it into words. Perhaps what I mean to say is that loving yourself is the only love that really matters.

Not to say we shouldn’t seek love with others but imagine if you gave yourself all the love and support you ever needed such that any external love is a bonus.

And besides I’ve said it many times before, loving someone else without loving yourself isn’t the kind of love that works out well. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to fall in love again. That kind of love wasn’t true love but the howling of the beast.

But the beast just needs to be understood and listened to, respected as an important and authentic voice.

I can’t give the beast everything it wants but the least I can do is to give it something.  The beast is me and we want something.  Nobody gives a shit about those who don’t.

I’ve got one more bitch for how the world was against me from the start. Life has taught me that nobody will invest themselves in someone who denies themselves whatever reasons and whatever excuses. I’ve already died on that hill of unfairness.

It was and still is a long process of being reborn in the glory of self-love and self-worth. Because let’s be honest, I don’t want anything normal and easy.

This will be the first in a new category of blog which I will call Good F**king News because this is the most positive shit I’ve ever blogged.

It’s working. I was as stunned as anyone else but it is working. Whatever I’m doing now.

The next step is what I’ve been talking about for years now, relaunching myself in the social sphere. Giving it the big “I am” and not giving a shit what anyone says or does but just being myself and being proud to be myself and… all those million things I need to feel comfortable in public.

Resilience is a popular word these days. Again taking it’s meaning in context, it means how well you get back up after being knocked down. I understand that I’ve been unwilling to get back up until I can guarantee I won’t be knocked back down.

So what’s behind resilience? I rather suspect this is where most people rely on support. To support yourself is so important and it’s something so few can appreciate these days. Something so important for us on the spectrum.

Difficulties and struggles can’t be managed without resilience. Don’t take that away from me.

I’ve rambled enough though it’s been great. Thanks as always for reading xx