Abscissa – Autism and Techno Blog

Greetings again, time for another blog.

Well it’s been quite the rollercoaster these last few weeks. A lot to talk about but will probably be left unspoken. Don’t have the energy to write about all of it and besides, the moment has passed and I’ve knuckled down to get through it.

To follow on from the last blog, that perfect night I was having? It soon came to ruin as an implosion of personal disaster.

Vowed to quit drinking. Never again. Lasted about 3 weeks and I’m back out tonight. Just my usual self-reflection evening supping on a few pints.

The football’s over thank heavens. Now the Olympics are here. Watching with a healthy level of interest. Got to see Team GB’s first couple of medals.

Lots of change happening. Lots of adjusting. Several tasks mounting up. A couple of the big ones done and dealt with. Busy, busy, busy. Work, work, work.

Plus my secret FB account (that is to say the account I have with no friends and few posts that I have been preparing to relaunch but haven’t tild anyone about) has been discovered thanks to FB suggestions.

Now I have a few family members making friend requests. Not before I’m ready. Anyway I only plan on sharing my music, only going to post to blow my own trumpet, so to speak.

Most of my life will only be shared here if I need to talk or write about something. And even here I feel less inclined to vent about the bad stuff.

One step at a time. Keep saying it. Though it may seem to risk not being able to keep track and having more than one thing added on to the list of things to stress about.

All in all, I’m doing quite well at the moment. Feeling mentally as strong as I’ve ever felt. After a shaky couple of weeks I’m putting myself out there again, always something to do with my time.

Working on the music. This latest track is my favourite so far by miles. Special because until 2 days ago it was sounding crap. Nothing was working together.

A complete fluke but cycling through the various sounds I found something that blew my mind. It wasn’t supposed to sound as good as it did. It’s just noise. But the Midi arrangement just happened to create something special.

That’s what all my previous tracks have missed. A rhythmic hook that just sounds so cool. I’ve said it before that I struggle to recreate the type of techno groove that delivers the desire to move.

Totally addicted to how it sounds. Moreover, the sound quality is the best I’ve ever made. Don’t know that’s happened. Just got to implement the track arrangement, some ideas in the mix already. Won’t be pissing around trying to make it sound better and then ruining it.

The other thing to note is that the music makes me feel something unfamiliar. Not the melodic heartache I usually respond to. This is something new and I don’t yet know how to describe it.

Is this what success feels like? I wouldn’t know. Whatever, it just feels like something completely new.

Since that last night out, a revitalised sense of just doing things by myself. Not looking to others for something. That’s the same old story, wanting the same thing and not getting it. It’s what turned me into a spiteful devil.

I’ve begun to get back into Physics and have been watching videos to lift myself back into a higher state. Have them on when I go to sleep.

There remains a deep regret that I didn’t get into and pursue mathematical physics when I was at school. For some reason Physics was my weakest science at school. I ended up doing A-level Chemistry and Biology.

Chemistry at school/college level was fine. I was never too keen on the practical, experimental side of science. Chem had the most theoretical maths. I did Chem the first time I went to Uni. It was a disaster because at that level it’s all practical.

No, Physics. Why didn’t I know? Why did no one tell me? Some of Physics is just all maths.

Like Sheldon over Leonard, I can do the maths. Fuck the practicals. Why was school Physics all about electrical circuits and types of energy?

Give me the Schrodinger equation. Give me eigenvectors and eigenvalues.

Give me Planck’s constant and dimensional analysis. Give me Quantum Mechanical fuckery. Give me philosophy and logic.

It’s been a topic of debate thanks to the experimental and practical science that the Big Bang theory (the actual theory, not the TV show) may need rewriting.

Our best science on the subject has had problems for a good long while actually.

Classical Physics and Quantum Physics don’t sit very well together. They can’t both be right despite both being backed up by experiment.

Our models are based on assumptions at those key points where we have no direct experiment. How old is the universe? Well based on inflation etc…

I’ve always loved the idea that our “Big Bang” creation is just the other side of someone elses Black Hole. There are no verifiable answers to these questions but I would always choose the answer that has the most logic behind it.

For all the stress of the last few weeks, a sharpened focus that has helped me find a path to joy again. The same things bring joy but now I can provide it for myself. Seeing the joy before the misery.

What even is the misery? An alien concept. Doubtlessly the alcohol I’m drinking tonight will bring it back. Unless there are no unrealistic expectations, no foolish distractions to just chilling out and releasing.

Tonight as ever is about releasing tension. The music has created a big, fat shot of energy and I just want to release it. Whether my body will allow me to is another matter.

Tension, like anxiety, is sonething that I seek to avoid but yet is something I can’t fundamentally live without because I simply can’t imagine life without it.

Too much and not enough, forever.

Releasing that tension or anxiety, it’s what I live for and yet, only horror awaits as the reward is to go through the cycle again. And again. And again.

Why pursue something new when the same cycle dominates? Is the cycle going to break if I do something different? If so, why am I so scared of it?

There’s my character defect. I continue to put myself on the high pedestal above the horrific cycle. Continue to be afraid of it. And well I might as maybe there is no othet way for me to be.

I’m still an addict, a complete fucking junkie. Addicted to higher fucking cause as always. I just made myself higher than everyone else.

Some would say “Twas ever thus”. But no. I’m a different person now. Since being diagnosed I have battled with the concept of this being who I am now. What does it even mean? Only that I have had to learn who I am and how to be me.

Forgive me for saying this is as complex as the grand questions of Physics and Philosophy. Drinking helps simplify things. Feeling good is all that matters.

All that truly matters is somehow not enough to quench this existential crises. Only the demons remain to lift me above meaning itself.

Only I can lift myself further even above these demons lofty ambitions.

Thanks always for reading. I love you for doing so.