Abscissa – Autism and Techno Blog

Well hello and greetings.

New year, new phone. We’ll see how well I can adapt to it.

Long time since I last posted. Mostly due to old phone issues. There are a couple of unposted blogs still sat in drafts saved to the old phone.

May find some way to transfer them over. But for now, I’m going through some stuff, a period of uncertainty. Lots of stuff to talk about.

Well actually what’s going through my mind at the moment is how little I feel like saying anything. Not to others anyway. This blog is a place for me to talk to myself and share it online for anyone who wants to read.

It’s the words at the end of the day. Feels less and less like they mean anything. Here one minute, gone the next.

Going up to the new year, just after Xmas, I was doing great, honestly. Happy in myself. Calm and collected.

Preparing the way back, or should that be forward. Being back on FB has brought up some of the old anxieties. Chief among them being the old habit of speaking not from the heart any deep truth but trying to present an image of myself.

Also being exposed to lots of stuff from the Algorithm that makes me despair to some extent. All the memes and the postivity/motivational garbage.

Your truths, so the saying goes. Feels like there’s no such thing. Just ideas and words.

Tried so hard to find the real me, but there is comfort in coming to terms and accepting there are many faces, many voices.

It’s a theme of rebirth through self-destruction. There is no more hauntingly beautiful sight to see such painful self-images shattered into a thousand pieces. A thousand new stars glittering with light from the old fire among the void.

That said, I came to a point where I finally stood up to the fact that there is still a dark stain on my soul that needs to be scrubbed away.

And there isn’t really any worth in talking this through with anyone else. Something I still have to do alone. And so who am I really? Where will I go from here? What will I practise and what will I preach?

Can’t really begin again without cleansing myself of what really stays rotting away. Perhaps though it’s something I may never get over and maybe I will have to carry it with me. Talking about it honestly and being open is the healthy approach to take.

An idea that came to mind recently. To strip away all the learned behaviours and historical experiences, there are two things that remain at the core.

The purest spirit and will to love, and the purest extreme discomfort. The amount of love I feel is proportional to how much discomfort can be taken away, but also how much someone can actually make me feel good.

Well they might say it’s no one else’s job to make me happy, I need to be doing it myself. That is the approach I’ve taken. Throughout much of my life, I had to do it myself anyway. With little success it has to be said.

My latest track will be dropping this weekend. All the creative work is done, just need to make the video and come up with a great name to match.

If you don’t mind me blowing my own trumpet here, I will be saying from now on that, whatever happens in life, I have created at least one masterpiece.

It’s my best track to date, deepest, darkest ecstatic cry. In some ways I’d like to think it represents what dystopia cyberpunk Neon lights would sound like if they were music.

And you know, there is no better feeling than the ecstatic cry when you finally start listening to yourself, when you finally start to care about and listen to yourself.

Yet it remains a thorn in the side that sticks in the throat.  I’m not happy about having to do it this way. Don’t want to stay like this forever. Don’t want to recommend anyone do what I’m doing now.

It remains the case that what makes me uncomfortable is within me, first and foremost. Whatever hopes and dreams or values were held in the past needed to be revaluated in the light of accepting what lies within.

So, really, what can I do to address what I do to myself before what anyone else does to me? Perhaps the fact that I’m constantly tired means I’m doing the work of reparenting myself, slowly but surely, as much as I’m capable of doing.

I could call it discipline, though there are two sides to that. To say you should be doing something or you should not be doing something.

Needless to say, I spend my entire life saying I shouldn’t do this or that. Almost never tell myself I should do something. Lots of important work that could have been done but wasn’t.

There was a point that I wanted to make which I’ve only just now remembered. When we talk about darkness around mental health.

This darkness we talk about, it’s not the metaphorical demons but the distinct lack of humanity. This is the one thing that has always been part of my moral framework. To have inner darkness is to have lost a part of humanity within.

The crimes against humanity committed by some always betray a dehumanisation. I don’t believe that inner darkness should ever be celebrated or glorified. It’s easy to understand  as dehumanisation of the self.

This is why I don’t think you can just tell someone to be kind to themselves. You have to understand and deal with something that has been lost.

This has been good for me tonight, the empathy is flowing again. Reminding myself that it’s good to be human.

You may very well ask to what extent my autism robs my humanity. Well it makes me less tolerant of much of the outside world. But it never stopped me from actually being a human being.

Many, many lessons have been sent my way these last few years. A test of my humanity if you like. Time for me to heal and begin the long, long, long journey towards turning my life around and, perhaps, becoming a force for good in the world.

But let’s not get carried away. I’ll settle for just feeling like a human being right now. But by all means, let’s cut out all the bullshit mysticism and recognise who we are, whoever the fuck we are.

I don’t regret what I’ve done and I don’t feel any shame remembering who I was because I could not have been or done anything different. But now is the time to know I have grown and continue to grow.

Shaped by forces outside of my control, reshaped and sculpted by whatever of life I have allowed. And I’ve allowed an awful lot.

Yes, the path of the future is very uncertain. That shattering of the self I mentioned earlier. To relinquish so much of my former self to save my soul, or more accurately, to demolish the walls of self-definition to free myself from myself.

Without past or future…

Without rhyme or reason…

Without order or chaos…

Without faith or fear…

Without angel or demon…

Without optimism or pessimism…

Without light or dark…

Only love and discomfort.

Thanks as always for reading x