Abscissa – Autism and Techno Blog

Hello again, time for another blog post. Some very difficult stuff to talk about.

Lots on my mind. Unhappy times. Trying to process my emotions, in an analytical way I always do. With little end result. It turns out that I’m very sad at the moment and want to cry. And I have an inkling as to why.

Just the same old feeling that no one cared enough about how I’m actually feeling to invest enough time in actually supporting me emotionally.

I have been diagnosed with a neurodevelopmental condition, which means I’m still a child in many respects. Since the diagnosis, I can’t really say much has changed in the way people see me and treat me.

Do I have to remind people at regular intervals that I have an underdeveloped brain? Should people know by now, that I have disabilities regarding communication?

Can anyone actually get to know me and make accomodations for my disability? Because, and many people have this experience, we are accused of making excuses just to be selfish.

Always criticised for not considering other peoples feelings when no one else considers our feelings.

I did put a boundary up the other day which caused a late reorganisation to a planned family event. I knew it would cause problems so I nearly didn’t say anything.

But to remind myself that, I wasn’t asked if I could, just assumed that I would. And people might well assume I would because I usually just say yes, even though it costs me autonomy.

It makes me sad now, more than anything. Once more that my true autistic is never seen or heard. And that might be mostly because I can’t communicate it. It’s buried deep inside behind a thousand masks.

Ultimately, the same feelings have taken me back to revisiting old wounds. Back to the same old traumas. There are horrible feelings that go far beyond the mere sadness. Deep horrors that I haven’t managed to fully deal with.

It was all supposed to be about finally understanding and accepting myself but there remains a need to be around people again in a way that is happy and safe.

I do keep asking myself what it is that makes me feel unsafe. There’s the loss of people I love that still haunts me, even if it seems I’m not actually close with anyone anymore.

The idea that there is nothing certain in life, that anything you love and need one minute is gone the next. For any random or ridiculous reason.

And there’s the simple psychological crutches and dependencies that I’m living with on a daily basis.

I find I need to have my earphones in now as music is my armour. I listen to music to protect myself and feel safe. And the harder the beat, the tougher the armour feels.

I need emotive music as well, to allow myself to feel emotions harder.

Time spent with family has been good recently. Being around people again, actually talking to them. Having a new found common interest with my niece. Having someone who understands what I’m going through.

It’s wonderful being able to talk with someone you trust and are able to be open with.

Alas, the thought remains that I’ll only ever upset people if I open up fully. It’s on my mind now that I don’t want to talk about this painful stuff anymore, I just want to go away by myself and cry.

Whenever I do go out and socialise in a good way, I have to come back home alone and answer to my addictive demons, put the armour on again, wall myself away from the world.

It only becomes too much when the tide starts turning, mistrust rears it’s ugly head. Dark isolation soon follows, such can only be faced with my substances of choice.

Everything I do now is just to keep myself sane and I’ve done it reasonably well. But I am still an addict, trapped in battle.

I think any solutions, if there are any, are to understand what it is that actually makes me feel unsafe and then to work towards putting any sort of practise in place. It is within myself or outside?

Is it internalised? What actually is the threat to my wellbeing? Perhaps it’s the demands the world places on me to be an adult. And I keep hiding from it but I still place those demands on myself.

Everything I ever wanted in life seems to be dependent on not being autistic. So what is actually left to achieve?

There are deep fears to be overcome, not least the fear of telling people to go fuck themselves. I know I’m only ever going to be capable of being close to people if I trust them to be understanding and supportive. I’ll still care about those who are there for me.

I’ve felt the ultimate pain of being abandoned, rejected and excluded by those I love. Coupled with being left alone by those who believe I’m okay being alone.

Perhaps the changes are finally coming. I’m not happy being alone. At all. I do it to feel safe but the truth is it’s no longer enough.

As is always the case, it’s up to me to solve all of my problems and make the effort to come out of my shell. I’m divided now between the hopeful dreamer addict and the defeated loner addict.

One barrier to overcome is my own hateful, unforgiving nature. That will only happen when I regain control of my own deficiencies and start to support myself.

I keep saying that demons exist for a reason. Sometimes they just want someone to pay attention.

I don’t always want to listen anymore than anyone else would. They have become part of my armour in a way. That only really serves to keep people away and keep myself isolated.

Here’s to them though, anyway.

Thanks for reading xx