Abscissa – Autism and Techno Blog

So, to continue what I’m wondering might by the end of this volume of the blog.

To begin with, I can report that I woke saturday morning with a feeling that I had finally solved the puzzle of me. Something must have clicked in part 1.

I woke with no pain, no shame, no fear, and dare I say, no social anxiety.  None.  A geeling that I had finally escaped the prison of my mind and reconnected with my body. Yes I felt what I was doing physically.

To maximise the effect I am doing something slightly different tonight. No drinking alcohol alone with my thoughts. I’ve spent time with family, reached out to an old friend, gone for a walk on a light pleasant evening, I have gone to safe, familiar pub for a nice soft drink to quench my thirst.

I’ve gone to the same safe place to write alone but the whole situation feels different.

I simply mustgo back and revisit some things I said in part 1. Because a critical debate within my mind has now been settled.

The mind and body work together when they are one. My autism I should have called a physical neurological illness, that hit me in a way that caused mental illness later in life.

The degree to which I call it a sickness can be graded on a scale of severity. I do regret calling it a defect now. But I simply had to address it, confront it and face it because the degree had become pretty severe to me.

I had to state it and externalise it. There was something wrong me physically that translated into mentally, being as the brain is both. The society that treats people like me as morally inferior, had filled my heart with such darkness.

There never should have been the conflation between my condition and my character. It hurt everytime my struggles were dismissed and I was criticised for being me.

Yes, people have got it right in that respect. There is no shame in me being me. Only now have I fully connected with statement, the shame disappeared, the darkness, the hate, the fear, all disappeared.

I woke up, not as new man but a free man. I am the same man I always was. My heart remains the same. I still want the same things.

To what extent will I still not do the things I was too afraid to do before? Ultimately I’m still shy and cautious about things and I may just not want to do them anymore now that I’ve stopped obsessing.

Will I begin to actually show the world that I’ve changed and grown? Will people notice any change in my behaviour? Will I actually take up any new hobbies? Will I overcome any fears and push on with living life?

If so, that will form the basis for Volume 2.

Aye, the journey will continue. If I don’t really change now, I never will. At that point I wouldn’t see much point in continuing to write as my journey would end up pointless.

Oh wow, another fun fact. When I was typing the word “write”, my subconscious wrote the word “rewrite”.

My subconscious is having it’s say. I think it shows how much better my brain is connecting. I should listen to it and contemplate what it is saying.

Perhaps it’s a sign that I’m just not ready to grow yet. but it is the right path to take. My deepest yearnings have always been to overcome my deep limitations, but I need to respect them.

And that is what I have in mind. To not actually post this until I’m better equipped to stand by my words. (If you are reading this, then of course that means I have taken the decision).

Caution, patience, time. I have always needed more. That’s one need I’m not ashamed of.

Lol, another fun fact. When I typed “I’m not ashamed of” my subconscious typed “I’m not ashamed.”

The stuggle with self-identity remains. To separate and delineate myself from others.

To fail. To make mistakes. “Don’t keep telling yourself you’ve failed, don’t keep calling yourself a failure.” To learn, you have to fail. Unless you’re perfect. Which no one is.

I think I have diverged (no pun intended) from the neurodivergent community over the perceived infantilisation of discouraging personal growth.

It is the dream of mine, to find and share the meaning of the sentient human mind and experience, to apply it to the world and perhaps change the world by opening and expanding people’s minds.

And in that respect, that is where my autism has the hurt the most, because my own mind is bombed on a regular basis while other minds remain stubbornly set in a concrete world.

There is a conflict arising in how I have to keep better control of my mind while I have to relinquish control to interact in the physical world.

It’s time to stop simulating and start stimulating.

Meeting other autistics and becoming firm friends was the most wonderful time of life because they healed me by choosing me.

Behind that though was a deep trauma that remained at the back of mind that couldn’t be healed by anyone else but me.

What I have achieved now is so much more than I ever thought possible. A twist of neuroplasticity that flicked the right switch after 4 years of obsessing.

I hope I could help others achieve the same, but I need to respect the fact that people can only help themselves in this way.

It’s not my place or my responsibility to expect anyone to follow my lead. I can only show people the way. If it is the way. I may have to fail and fail again some more.

Rewrite and rewrite if and when things don’t work.

Thank you as always for reading. This is the end of Volume 1. Time for Volume 2. If you ever see me blogging morbid psychoanalysis again, feel free to stop reading, or better yet, tell me to get back out of my head xx