Abscissa – Autism and Techno Blog

And one more blog to finish the volume. I wish I was writing it under better circumstances, but here we are.

Within 3 days of writing part 2 and declaring to all on FB and my boss at work that I have made a breakthrough and am now finally happy, it all came crashing down.

A brand new anxiety attack, something never experienced before. And the subsequent experience of dealing with it. This new anxiety is itself an expression of how my brain has completely changed.

A side of my autism that I have simply buried deep away all my life that is finally catching up and having it’s way.

A terrible double bind that destroys my soul and kills any hope.

But also, to try and find the hidden wisdom in it, a tough warning of what’s to come if I am to survive. A clear sense of the consequences of connecting mind and body. A sign that I have simply rode the lonely path too hard and now need to seek the humanity of others.

It is probably my brain struggling to keep up with so much change, of course it would be too much too soon. Patience is needed, but also to quietly plug away when I can to make the changes necessary.

And after all this time, I just want to be healthy and functional again. I may have to revaluate everything I’m doing and I may need to change nearly everything. It’s not going to be easy or quick.

And after 4 years, I’m just too tired to go through it all again. Some small changes have been made, and they make a small difference.  When I can just stop obsessing about myself and escape all the stress and pain I’m feeling.

So a tactical retreat from the scary new world back into the old. The aim is still to fully healed and fully cured of what currently ails me. A balance to be struck to ease the transition.

It’s true that I don’t want to talk or write about myself if it means thinking about myself. The journey now is to begin to do new things, or even some old things, as long as I’m doing something to stay out of my head.

Is this how it’s going to be forever? Is this what I have to accept as a fact of life as long as I live? Is it any wonder I hid away from it and denied it for so long?

Everything in the world that heals me is something I will become dependent on and grasp onto for as long as I can. And in terms of other people, they have lives of their own and I can’t control them.

The true sickness remains ready to destroy me at any given moment. I don’t want to go into details here and I won’t. Suffice to say the only option is to learn how to live independently and be able to heal myself. Learn every way of protecting myself. But also to be prepared to reach out and connect with people, ask for help, build trusting relationships again.

I’m back in the usual pub, a couple of drinks to relax and write. I may even join others if invited. And writing this is helping to calm myself down.

I think what needs to be done is to externalise some conclusions that I’ve come to in the hope that it helps push them forward. Always with patience, not too much too soon.

I’ve reached out the Autism Hub for specialist support, however there is a 3 month waiting list, so I really do have to be patient. Plans are at the idea stage at the moment, nothing really concrete yet.

I question every day whether my life is worth living if I have to manage a lifelong condition such as this. If it means I can’t work to earn enough money for a good life, the type of life I wish to live.

The highest standards needed and demanded have become such a terrible burden. But I need to be realistic and live a life that is tolerable.

I’m hoping this difficult time is just a struggle to adapt but that it will come again. But there are so many changes still to be made. Oh, what a fearful mess I’ve made of my very existence.

And how was I to know what would happen? I obsessed my whole life when I knew absolutely nothing. At this time, I’ll just do whatever I can, whatever it takes.

The missing piece is hope, and probably trust. It’s important to be able to fail in order to learn, but how can you try when you don’t see any hope? When you don’t trust in other people?

So, to make changes, to face up to old fears. It is my wish to put the last 4 years behind me and finally move on. I will finally draw a line under this part of my life and start a new chapter, if I’m able to.

I will share these last 3 blogs and be reborn. If I’m honest, part of me wants to just delete the whole lot and be done with it. However, I will probably leave it up as a cautionary tale of warning.

It dawns on me just how stupid I have been to keep doing this for so long. To withdraw further and further into myself until I have completely trapped myself in anguished terror.

The human mind is truly beautiful but it should never, ever, look at itself this deeply. That way is true madness. The mirror that reflects itself is infinite anathema, infinite death.

Well, this has been good actually. Just taking a break and getting out for a couple of hours. Not going mad tonight, just a couple of nice pints and an interesting chat with an old face, someone who recognised me from a previous encounter that I can’t remember.

Not sure if I want to follow up, probably too much too soon, baby steps are needed. Although it might be good for me, not sure if I’m ready in myself. But then, these are the anxieties that I probably need to overcome.

With this sort of situation, knowing the path is calming in of itself. But if I don’t or can’t walk the path, the same internal horror keeps manifesting.

As far as I see that my condition is a medical one, an excess flooding of stress hormones perhaps, there exists a basis for medical treatment and that sort of knowledge is out of my hands. It’s where I have to seek professional expert help.

There’s only so far I can go by thinking alone. Researching it is fraught with peril, to be honest. I don’t have the answers.

Should the day come that answer presents itself, I will regret so much pointless folly and lament the loss of so much wasted life. But at least I would be free.

A final thank you for reading. I don’t know what the future holds. My own subconscious tried telling me but I couldn’t accept it. I’ll always be obsessive about trying to know everything. It’s scary putting my life and fate in someone else’s hands.

I haven’t ever given up, not even through the darkest of times. I hope this series of blogs offers something to anyone who reads.

It’s time xx