Abscissa – Autism and Techno Blog

Greetings, another blog to come. We’ll see how this goes. It is time, I guess. I keep saying that, don’t I? Hopefully, it might be true this time.

The true culmination of everything I’ve been writing about. Or at least one major part of it. I prepare to take the next step.

I should probably not put so much pressure on myself, but it needs to be done. Done too much work to stop now. That might sound like sunk cost fallacy, but it was it is. I’m less concerned with fallacy now, it’s ok not to perfect.

But to build myself up to it, a little time to further reflect and refine. Internalise some more and synthesise the new.

I have moved the MBTI work on to full blown socionics. Wish me luck.

It’s a further developed form of the same idea. More refined and better defined. Although there is a little pain to translating over. Not yet integrated.

It is, I guess, a systematic method of psychoanalysing in somewhat general terms. Really, it’s just the way I’ve chosen to classify who I am.

Helping to understand who I’m supposed to be and how to grow and develop. Alas, similar issues remain, namely that I’m still cycling through all the variations without holding to any conclusions. That in itself can possibly be explained by what I’m trying to do with it.

It’s all about ideas. Everything abstract, everything a sign or symbol of something. There’s a fun idea in socionics that intuition means time, sensing means space, feeling means energy, and thinking means matter for some reason which doesn’t make that much sense to me.

Although you have to think deeply to speculate that thinking is always about things in the world, some would say an abstraction of objectivity relating to objects in the world. Although it tends to be people we think about and, of course, the thought of treating people like objects is utter horror. More to the point we tend to have feelings for other people.

People are dynamic like energy, whereas static objects are more correctly treated as matter. This is in some ways, just like the old dichotomy of head versus heart.

So socionics orders the mental functions or information metabolisms as such;

Leader and Creator

Role and Vulnerability

Suggestive and Mobilisation

Limiting and Demonstrative

That last one is somewhat confusing and hard to understand as it’s a strong but undervalued function, taken alongside the good Leader function to be the darker side of the core of a persons worldview, mainly to be used for opposition in my opinion.

There are apparently up to 15 different dichotomies which create an interesting blend to the way the functions work.

Input and Output. Contact and Inert. Evaluation and Situation. Flexible and Stubborn. Mental and Vital. Important and Casual.

It may all be rubbish anyway, but I approach it as a metaphorical jigsaw of psychology. Do I want the picture to be pleasing or accurate? I don’t know, but I do want it to be complete.

With this typology, I see myself as an intellectual storyteller. Long time readers of my blog might well see how that has worked out. It reminds me of how. when I graduated from Uni, I had ideas of writing about mathematics, how I would love to empathise the crazy ideas and the possible meanings.

Buried underneath all of that is the extremely sensitive and immaturely loving, needy soul who wants a quiet life of simple but intense pleasure.

Speculating on how my autism would affect my psychology, it seems like a case of being stuck in my overactive Id and masking with my Superego. Not being able to thrive but always having to survive. At the mercy of alarm signals and fearful avoidance.

So now it is time to put things right. Long time readers will possibly understand what I’m talking about. To embrace uncertainty, imperfection, to forgive past hurt and to risk living again.

Over the 42 years of my life, I’ve read and pondered what feels like every possible way of life, every story, felt every emotion, I’ve seen the most heroic and the most evil acts. Every story now seems the same. What else is there left to life that is new?

The answer has always been, just to actually experience everything in the real world. To actually live as a human being and do human things. It’s the only thing left that I haven’t truly felt, and that is to actually do all the things I’ve been too afraid to do.

That is now what means anything to me and what matters. Escaping the mental prison I have made for myself and to use a metaphor, destroy my own self-image to create a new one.

Rewrite the stories that I tell myself. It might have to be drastic, I may fail hard and fall flat, I may have to push myself too hard and I may suffer all over again. Is it really any worse than this turgid stagnation?

Thanks as always for reading xx