Abscissa – Autism and Techno Blog

Hello again, it’s time for a new blog. It’s going to be one of those, I’m afraid. An important one, a painful one.

It’s time, not time for what I was trying to do, but time to fo something else, finally admit everything I’ve been doing is just taking me towards oblivion. I’m still feeling my way through, but it’s just causing more suffering.

I’m now stuck in an old trauma response, and everything I do just makes things worse. I know and have always known that I need to get away from everything to heal. And yet I remain stranded in the same old freeze response, afraid to do sleep, afraid to breathe.

Thinking about the profound link between hypervigilance and procrastination that has coloured my existence from a very young age.  It’s always been there and I can’t solve it, can’t figure it out. I’m trying everything I can right now in fits of desperation to calm myself down.

Vagus nerve exercises and such like. Trying to reset the nervous system to calm down. Why would it help when I’m surrounded by triggers at every turn?

I don’t feel my physical safety threatened from the outside, it’s all within me and my own stupid body. This is something I need to tell people. I am and have been very stupid. Everyone seems to think I’m super intelligent but it is a gift that has given me nothing.

It is a curse that has destroyed me time and time again.

I realise how important it is for mental health to not talk about oneself like that. But every day teaches me that it is undeniably true. I could quite easily blame the society around me for putting those thoughts in my head. I was never strong enough to maintain my own sense of self worth.

Everything I’ve ever seen tells me that people need each other and will always need each other. And yet no one can accommodate my needs, possibly they can’t know unless I say something. And when I did?

Times like these are when I need someone to put an arm around me and tell me things will be ok, but even then I wouldn’t believe them. Because I’ve been thoroughly trained since day one to suppress and repress.

I no longer trust anyone to be authentically autistic around them. Don’t know if I ever did to be honest.

I’m writing this blog again because it’s one of the few escapes from physical discomfort and the impending health anxiety.

If I’m being honest I just want to burn it all down and start again.I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now, but I know I’m not going to give up willingly.

This is the agonising wait for any kind of mental health treatment while trying my best to look after myself and try to self-care. It’s so fucking hard at this time. And yet the best path seems to be to release and let go of everything.

I don’t want to plan, always hated planning. Just want to be free again. How about next time, when I have the time and the motivation, to systematically destroy and recreate my own personal environment? Maybe then I’ll finally find myself.

I can’t do it alone, that much is painfully obvious. I can’t solve all my problems by thinking and thinking and thinking. And yet I can’t really sit still either.

Yes, this is a time of emotional volatility. I need to express just how insanely irrational I am and how vulnerable my mind is. How obsessively self-consciousness I am. I just want to be free and unafraid. I’ve already come too far to turn back now.

What does this mean for my autism? Am I forever chained to an inherently turbulent nervous system? Or is that just acquired trauma? Can I be healed? Do I have to accept it? Do I have to learn to manage it my whole life?

At this point, I consider this time to be the crux of my own autistic self-discovery. I have been and still am completely inimical to it. Hostile and antagonistic. Not much of an ally or advocate, it seems.

But I have tried to be as authentic as I can in sharing my experiences, thoughts, and feelings. Well it’s my journey, and it will take as long as it takes. It will take the rest of my life in all honesty.

I would recommend any reading at this stage to not walk the path I have. It’s fucking horrible. It’s fucking terrible. I’m not willing to martyr myself for this cause.

The world keeps telling me it’s ok to be autistic but it keeps showing me that it isn’t ok.

From where can I find the courage to allow myself to become my true self? Accepting and understanding people for sure, until they stop accepting and understanding.

It’s more apparent to me just how deeply selfish I’ve become these days. Constantly obsessing about myself, not truly giving a shit about anyone else. Keep telling myself it’s the trauma. I need to be selfish, need to put all my effort into myself.

The feeling is that I only care about other people if they accept me for who I am, a common sentiment I suppose. Of course, if I could just accept myself, then that all might not be necessary.

That was the assumption that began it all. I’ve come to confront just how fucking difficult that has been, how I need to learn how to manage myself before I can accept myself. And I have not been doing a very good job so far.

I did actually have one of my better nights sleep last night. Hard to explain, but it might be some early signs of recovery. Not sure how I’ll sleep tonight. But I’m confronting things instead of avoiding. A scary time indeed.

These last few weeks have been the scariest I’ve ever faced. But so much of the work I’ve done, it has to pay off at some point. Still room to try new things. Lots of physical exercise to improve my physical health.

I hear cold showers are good for calming down. I might even try to quit smoking for good! Though that will surely be the hardest thing imaginable. Lots of prep required for that.

There is a lesson, though, at some point I will actually have to stop, rest, and recover, take the pressure off.

Yes, I’ve given myself another headache, so I will call it an early tonight.

Thanks for reading as always xx