Feeling very anxious today after a very nice Xmas day. I think it’s now about taking the next few big steps to begin to move on and take my life in a new direction.
Writing this blog is about learning that I don’t need to be afraid of expressing myself. I haven’t really found my true voice yet as I’m still trying to explain things that I don’t necessarily want to express.
I want to meet new people and so far I’m mostly talking to people I already know. Still very anxious about going out into the world on my own.
For a long time now I’ve been looking for a family of my own. Family implies pressures and also expectations.
I’ve always struggled with meeting the expectations of the family I grew up with when I feel so different and I never learnt to set boundaries to protect myself.
I made the best friends I’ve ever had and felt for the first time like I had a family where I felt accepted and wanted.
The friendships were based around understanding and that we never pressured each other into doing something that made us uncomfortable.
Feeling like we were a family I still carried expectations with me and I became too demanding. It was hardest blow to lose that feeling of belonging and I still grieve the loss to this day.
I was under so much pressure myself. So much pressure I put on myself to get what I need out of life.
At this point I want to address the 2 years of covid measures. I don’t fear germs and never have. I also don’t believe that hiding from germs was ever beneficial to public health.
All I’ve felt that these 2 years is the crushing pressure of having other people’s fears forced on me and the constant demand to conform and comply.
I’m not ashamed to say that I questioned whether life was worth living when I was told I didn’t have a choice.
I am so proud now of how far I’ve come and how much work I’ve done to turn my life around after so much trauma.
Planning on doing something more positive next blog post.
In the meantime thanks and kind regards for reading. Wishing you all the best for the new year ahead.